Last Chance

by Lauren Runow

  "He's not?" Robin asks in disbelief.

  "I promise you he's not. Why did you think he was?" I ask, still trying to calm my laughter.

  "Because he's never hit on any of us, and we've never seen a girl at his place, so they think he's gay. I didn't believe it. I swear I saw him checking me out one day, but they said it was my imagination," Katy says.

  "He told us you're like a sister to him. Are you sure he's not just keeping a secret from his family? You're best friends with his little sister, right?" Chantel asks, reaching for anything that will make her win their bet.

  "Believe me, I know he's not gay."

  "Ah! She's fucked him!" Katy yells, reaching over to high-five me.

  I do, then cover my face to hide the blush I'm sure is creeping up.

  "Aw, man." The other two throw up their hands in defeat.

  "Ha, ha, I was right. Give me twenty bucks!" Katy celebrates as each one reaches in her purse to hand her the money.

  "Please tell me you're still doing him? God, he's hot in the spiciest way," Chantel states, plopping back down on the couch, sulking.

  "We'll see. It was only supposed to be the one time—well, two-time—thing, but he is moving me into his building. That's a good sign, right?" I’m excited to finally able to talk out loud about Connor and me.

  "Girrrll, hell yeah, it is. If a guy didn’t want to do you again, he would not be trying to find you a place to live anywhere near him. And listen to me, he laid it on thick with reasons why you were perfect to live here."

  My smile feels like it's so big, it will burst right off my face. Yet another entry for my journal tonight.

  I spend the next few hours getting to know my new roommates and discussing the details of our rent and when I will move in. Guilt runs through me as I learn little things about each one of them but purposefully not tell them everything about me.

  Chantel is from San Diego. She’s already graduated and found a job as an entry-level accountant at some big firm. Robin is the oldest and is a tech assistant for a promising startup company while Katy is still in school, studying to be a physical therapist.

  “What about you?” Katy asks. “Connor said you’re taking some time off of school. What brings you to San Francisco?”

  I’ve told this lie before but to people who wouldn’t know the difference. I want them to like me, to trust me, but I’m starting off our relationship with a lie. I contemplate spilling my guts but cut off the thought quickly, remembering why I want to keep it a secret and hoping our carefree meeting stays that way, at least for now.

  I sigh, acting like life is too hard to handle. Ha! I wish I could go back to worrying about finals and the paper I have to write instead of the more serious things running through my head.

  “I just needed a break, you know?” They nod in acknowledgment. “School was getting to be too much, and with only one year left, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to be out in the real world. So I decided to take a year off, live somewhere fun before entering the workforce.”

  My gut churns when I say that last part. I keep thinking things will get easier, but they don’t. Lying about my life isn’t helping either.

  6

  Dear Diary,

  I feel like I'm in a dream. I’m trying hard to pretend it’s my reality, but that isn’t going to fix everything, no matter how much I wish it would. A few nights ago, Connor gave me the absolute best night of my life and now he’s helping me move into his apartment building. How did I get here? Why are my dreams coming true when everything else is falling apart? I know it’s not the best thing to do, but I don’t want to dwell on what’s going on. I will live the life I want to live, explore the feelings I want to explore, and be as happy as possible. Wish me luck!

  Mackenzie

  Mackenzie

  I’m pulling up to my place in the U-Haul when I get a text from Connor. He's checked in every day, making sure everything is lined up for the move. It's silly how he's not texting to chat but rather to share information.

  The first day he texted the bus lines and BART routes. The second day he texted his favorite places to eat. The third was to let me know who he considered the only acceptable Uber drivers in the city. Last night, he wondered if I needed help today. I told him I didn't have much, and my parents were helping me, so he said he'd come down to help my father unload.

  When I showed the girls his messages, they all squealed like we tended to do at age thirteen when we were excited over a boy. Funny how some things never change.

  Within seconds, Connor is at the door after I text him that we arrived. The lost puppy look I see in his eyes melts my heart. He seems nervous, out of place, as he waits to be invited in, even though the door is wide open.

  Katy leans over to whisper in my ear, "I already love you living here, even if I just get to stare at your man candy."

  I laugh, smacking her arm and going over to welcome him.

  "Come in," I say. "Thanks to you, this is my new place."

  "I only put in a good word for you. The credit goes to you for winning these girls over." he responds.

  "Nope, that was all you. We had to meet her to make sure she was real after how much you talked her up," Robin states nonchalantly as she walks by.

  I smile at Connor, and if I'm not mistaken, I see a rare blush touch his cheeks, like he's embarrassed he got caught.

  "Okay, show me the way," Dad announces as he enters the room with the first box.

  "Hey, Michael, let me help you with that," Connor says, but my dad refuses.

  "There's plenty more where that came from. Go get yourself a load."

  Connor leaves, opting for the stairs instead of the elevator, since the place is on the second floor.

  Between my parents, the girls, Connor, and me we're finished in half an hour. Mom helps me set up the bed while Connor and Dad leave to get beer from the corner store.

  "That's great Connor is living so close. He's always been such a nice boy," Mom says. "I’m more comfortable seeing you here with him to watch over you."

  I smile, feeling the same way. Not in my wildest dreams did I think this would be happening right now, yet here I am. I should add a box just so I can check it off.

  "Jean," Dad says when he returns. "Did you know Connor is a criminal defense attorney at a big law firm?"

  "I didn't know that. Honey, why didn't you tell us?" Mom asks me.

  I shrug, "When would I have? I mean, you knew he was in law school years ago."

  "Either way, Connor. That's really amazing, I'm sure your parents are very proud. Our Kenzie here…." She pauses and tears make her eyes shine.

  It kills me to see that look on her face. The look of the unknown, the same worries I’ve tried to push so far down it’s invisible to the world around me. Whenever I see my mom like this though I can’t hold back and all the feelings emerge.

  I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, cutting off the subject before it goes any further. "Connor, where did you say was a good pizza place? We can all order in."

  When I turn to Connor, I can tell he’s a little surprised at the emotions he just witnessed and I pray he thinks we’re only sad because I’m moving here.

  "It's okay, dear. We'll get out of your hair. I think you're all settled. We should head back before the Sunday night traffic hits. These freeways are a mess in the summer, as you know."

  "Yes, good call, Jean." Dad goes to where Connor's sitting on a barstool. "Thanks for all your help today. I appreciate you looking after our little girl."

  "Anytime, Michael."

  They shake hands, and Mom gives me a hug and whispers in my ear, "He sure turned into a handsome young man."

  "Mom," I huff, not wanting to discuss my obvious obsession with her.

  She holds her hands playfully. "Just saying." She sighs, tucking my hair behind an ear. "We want this time to be the best for you." She blinks rapidly, taking a deep breath in as if she’s trying to stop the emotions flooding her suddenly.

  I hu
g her tightly, hoping to provide comfort with our embrace. I can’t help but choke up when I whisper, "I know, Mom. It will. I know it."

  Before the door closes from my parents departure, Connor says he's leaving too. I timidly walk up to him having no clue what to say or how to act. Even though we've been messaging back and forth, that's been it. I'm hoping for more, but he's shown no interest in that direction.

  Standing at the front door, we awkwardly fidget like we’re twelve year olds.

  "Thank you for your help today," I say, threading my fingers in the belt loops of my jeans, rocking back and forth on my heels like a silly teenage girl.

  He nods. "Of course. I'm upstairs if you need anything. Just, you know, send a text or something." He holds up his phone, shaking it back and forth slightly.

  "Will do."

  We stare for a second before he opens his arms, giving me a hug. The sound of him taking a deep breath surprises me, and he quickly pulls away, mumbling, “Bye.”

  I let out a big sigh and turn to see the three girls, standing in the kitchen, watching us like we're a movie. The only thing missing is the popcorn.

  "Dammit," Robin blurts.

  "Yup, that's twice. Money, money, money, mon-ey," Katy sings, beating her hand against the countertop likes it's a drum before continuing to belt out, "Mon-ey!"

  I look at them, confused. Chantel takes a folded twenty out of her pocket, and hands it to Katy before Robin does the same.

  "What was the bet this time?" I ask when I finally catch on to their shenanigans.

  "Jury was still out whether you were telling the truth about sleeping with him, but yeah"—she smacks her lips—"there's no doubt after watching that train wreck of a goodbye. You both had this, yeah we've seen each other naked, what do we do now vibe going on. It was hilarious to witness, but I know from experience it’s not so fun to live through."

  "Ugh." I drop down on the couch. "What do I do?"

  "Give it some time," Chantel responds, sitting across from me. "Going from friends to lovers can be a difficult transition. Only time will tell if you head back down the friend road or straight into a relationship."

  I roll over in bed, looking around my new room as morning light floods through my curtains. I didn't sleep that great. Even though I'm in my own bed, with my own things, everything still felt foreign, the noises around me being the cherry on top.

  I thought New York City was known as the city that never sleeps. I think that title should officially go to San Francisco. All night I heard people talking, doors slamming, and the beeping from the Muni bus stopping across the street.

  "Morning!" Robin sings as I walk out to the living room.

  I smile but it's short-lived.

  "Rough night? Want some coffee?" she asks, holding the pot out to me after she fills her own cup.

  "Yes, please.” I respond, craving the liquid energy will bring me back to life. “How come nobody informed me how loud it is here at night?"

  She chuckles. "You'll get used to it. I hardly notice it anymore.”

  She hands me my cup of blissful delight. I was never a coffee drinker until I had to take college finals. You learn the power of the dark colored bean real quick.

  "Any plans today?" she asks as she retrieves her purse, ready to head out for the day.

  "I'll probably finish unpacking, then I have a job interview later."

  "Great. Where?"

  "Oh, a clothing store in Union Square. I forget which one," I lie, which plants a knot in my gut. I hate lying.

  "Well, good luck. Chantel and Katy already left, so you have the place to yourself. See you later," she says before leaving me alone.

  I hop in the shower and take my time, letting the warm water wash over me. Once I'm out I notice an alert on my phone. I grin when I see it's from Connor.

  How'd your first night go?

  I text back: Loud.

  He sends laughing emojis, then types: You'll get used to it. I only have twenty minutes at lunch today, but want to meet at the deli near my work?

  I type back an overwhelming: Sure!!!!!! before thinking twice and erasing it. Sounds good. What time?

  12:30. See you then.

  Twelve-thirty can’t come soon enough. I spend my morning searching for the perfect outfit before settling on a pair of jeans and a tank top. Connor's only seen me dressed like this, and since I have no clue where we stand or what he wants, I don't want to look like I'm trying too hard.

  I run into the deli, shocked at how cold it is outside. I mean, it's July for christ’s sake. I shiver at the door, letting the wind protected area warm me before I can do anything else.

  Connor laughs behind me, wrapping his suit coat around my shoulders and sending a second blast of heat through me.

  "Thank you." I hug it to me.

  He tilts his head to a corner table. "I was able to sneak out early, so I texted Tracy and asked what I should order for you."

  "You told Tracy we were meeting for lunch?" I ask, kind of shocked by his admission.

  "Well, yeah, it’s just lunch." He winks, but it’s so fast, I’d have missed it if I wasn’t paying attention.

  I sit down to my favorite meal, an egg salad sandwich and an iced tea.

  "I would have gotten you hot tea if I knew you were going to be so cold."

  "This is fine—perfect actually—but tell me, is it always this cold here? It's July. You know, July. One hundred degree plus days back home, only a few miles down the road."

  He laughs, covering his mouth with the napkin on his lap. "Summers here are brutal. Wait till the fog rolls in."

  "It gets worse?" I ask, flabbergasted.

  "At least it's sunny today. Enjoy it."

  “How can you enjoy it when you're being blown away?"

  He laughs some more. "Keep the jacket then. I'll pick it up on my way home tonight."

  I pull it tighter around me. "Thank you."

  "You didn't know about the noise, and you didn't know about the weather, so tell me, why did you move here?"

  I contemplate telling him the truth, but the impulse passes and I settle on the same story I tell everyone.

  "I just want a year off, to do as I want before I hit the grind of the real world." It's a believable lie, and I've gotten really good at telling it.

  He nods, accepting my answer before moving on. "What's your plan?"

  "I have a job interview today. I have enough money saved up to pay rent and such, so I only need something small to cover the bills." I lie some more.

  "Good luck then. I'm sure you'll do great."

  His support nearly melts my heart, and I almost feel bad lying to him. "Are you working on a big case?" I ask, happy to put the focus on him.

  Sitting back in his chair, he sighs. "A huge one. They have me running all over. That's why I only have time for a quick bite." He looks to his watch, keeping a close eye on the time, worry showing in his brow.

  "Well, thank you for including me in your plans."

  He looks up, almost like realization just washed over him.

  He pauses for a moment then smiles, shrugging his comment off when he replies, "Just wanted to make sure you were settled on your first day here."

  And there it is. He tells me he's having a busy day, yet he still thought about me, giving me hope we’re heading down the path I’ve always wanted to be on.

  Connor

  “Please don’t tell me I saw you at the deli with some chick?” Nick asks when I walk back in to the office. “You better have gotten a blow job in the bathroom to make it worth leaving my ass with all this paperwork to go through.”

  I chuckle under my breath. “Yes to the chick, no to the blow job.”

  “Really fucker? I was lucky I didn’t starve to death due to being practically chained to this desk and you take a leisure lunch with this girl?”

  “Obviously you were able to leave if you saw me there, so quit your bitchin.”

  I try to play down his anger but he’s right. I really
shouldn’t have left him, today especially with the trial starting tomorrow. All morning I couldn’t help but wonder how her night went or how she was doing on her first day here so I set everything up and snuck away at the first chance I had.

  “You better be gettin some at least. If only one of us gets to have a life it better be worth it.”

  My eyebrows raise in acknowledgment making him laugh.

  “Who is she?”

  “Does it matter?”

  “Um, yeah, it does because my social life is so far down a hole I’ll be searching for my cock with a bucket and rope here before long. So yeah, I want details. Is she good?”

  Nick and I have spoken many times about the girls we’ve hooked up with but for some reason I don’t want to tell him about Mackenzie. She isn’t some chick I hooked up with.

  When I don’t respond he says, “Shut up. You mean you actually like this chick?”

  “No, it’s not like that. She’s my sister’s best friend.”

  “But you’ve hit it?” My eyes meet with his. “Does your sister know?”

  “Nope, and it’s going to stay that way. It was only a one-time thing. She moved here last night so I just wanted to make sure she was settled okay.”

  “Uh huh, and beg to smell her panties to give you the high you need to make it through this fucking day. I know the game you play.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  He throws a folder my way. “Just fucking read lover boy. We both know there’s no time in this world for anything more than a quick fuck and a thank you, come again.”

  I snatch the folder off the desk, angry he’s right. I never do stuff like this. I’m a workaholic. Lunch is normally what I can grab to eat at my desk. I can’t remember the last time I had lunch with anyone.

  I don’t know why I called her today. I don’t know why I snuck away from Nick instead of telling him where I was going. All I know is I can’t get the image of her out of my head.

  7

  Dear Diary,

  Here I am again, writing to you like you’re a person, when all you are is a book full of pages where I spill my guts. Why is it that lately all my secrets, and all I wish to accomplish are written on paper? There’s so much finality in putting things in ink only to have them stare back at you. But I don't want finality. I want reality and meaning.