Last Chance

by Lauren Runow

  His head drops to his chest. "Fuck. I was really hoping you weren’t gonna say that."

  "That bad, huh?" I ask, rubbing my eyes.

  He nods, grabbing his phone to look up more info on her diagnosis. "How long?"

  "They say a year to fifteen months." I look off into nothing, afraid if I see his face, my emotions will get the best of me.

  He touches my shoulder. "They must have caught it pretty early, because that’s a good time frame for something so serious. I’ve heard people can go in mere months. I'm really sorry, Connor."

  He researches some more before filling me in on her cancer and the prognosis. Every word he says fills me with more dread and hopelessness. This is truly turning into the worst day of my life.

  My heart aches, and I envision her having to live through this, knowing her time is limited. My chest tightens when I picture her face and the way she bites her lip when she’s thinking, but mainly I recall the way her smile lights up my world.

  “How long have you been seeing her?” he asks.

  “A month or so,” I sip my whiskey. The beer I started with wasn’t nearly enough to calm my shaky nerves.

  “I don't want you to be that guy, but are you sure this is worth it? You could walk away. It hasn’t been that long.”

  I’m flabbergasted by his suggestion, especially coming from him. “I can’t believe—”

  He places a hand on my shoulder. “I was testing you. I wanted to see what your initial reaction would be.”

  I drop my chin to my chest.

  “I’m still in shock to hear you not only have a girlfriend, but you’re willing to deal with all of this. You’re fucked.” He laughs, and I want to flip him off. “Do you finally get why I was a mess over Amy?”

  I let out a small laugh. “Did I ever apologize for that?” I ask in shame.

  “Yeah. It’s all good. That’s in the past. I’m glad I can be here for you now.”

  We chat for an hour or so and I leave the bar completely broken, not sure what I'll do but knowing I have to do something. I’ve spent my life looking for what my parents found in each other, that life partner who’s there through the good and bad. The one person you know will hold your hand no matter what.

  I thought I’d found it with my ex from high school, but that was just young love. Not something that is long-lasting and soul-gripping.

  Not like with Mackenzie.

  How do I go on, knowing she’s not my forever? But how do I walk away? I can’t. I’m in the worst place possible and don’t have a clue how to make it better.

  13

  Dear Diary,

  This secret is eating away at me. I can’t bring myself to tell him but I’m terrified I’m going to hurt him. Then I get even more scared when I think it’s too late and he’s going to get hurt no matter what. Why was I so selfish going after him? Why did I let this go further than that one night? I’m the one that’s going to hurt him. I’m not sure how I can live with myself if I do. Being stuck between a rock and a hard place never made as much sense as it does right now.

  Mackenzie

  Connor

  I stare at my phone much longer than I should. She didn't want me to know for a reason, and I should respect that, but how do I talk to her and not tell her I know? I can't pretend my life didn't just get put through a shredder.

  One thing is for sure. I've fallen hard for her. There's no going back, and I need to figure out how to move forward.

  I bring up her name in my contacts, moving it to my favorites list but not hitting the call button. Instead, I hit the message icon under her name and freeze, having no clue what to type.

  I jump when the phone vibrates in my hand, deciding for me if I'm going to talk to her or not.

  I take a deep breath, closing my eyes when I answer. "There she is." I try to sound cheerful.

  "Hi. How was your day?"

  I wish I could tell her the truth, but this isn't a conversation I want to have over the phone. "Can you come over?"

  "Um, sure. Is everything okay?"

  “Yeah, sorry. Just want to see you is all,” I lie.

  “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  We hang up, and my stomach turns. I pour myself a shot of whiskey, trying to calm my nerves before she gets here. When she knocks, I wish I had taken a few more.

  The moment I see her, everything goes haywire in my head. I kiss her with an intensity that makes her gasp in surprise. She doesn’t protest when I lead her to my room, but she resists when I start to undress her. I need to have her under me, I need to feel she’s still here and help to calm the storm brewing inside me.

  “Connor, wait, please.” She pushes me, and I press back. “Connor, my god, what’s going on? Are you okay? What happened today? You’re scaring me.” She forces me to meet her eyes. “Shit,” she grunts in frustration. “Tracy told you, didn’t she?”

  She steps away from me, wrapping her arms around herself and turning her back.

  I’m not sure how to respond. I want to hold her. I want to tell her everything’s going to be okay, but I’m at a total loss of how to comfort her without scaring her off. So I stand here like a jackass, completely silent.

  “She promised me she wouldn’t tell you. God!” she yells.

  “Why didn’t you want me to know?” I finally get out, thinking it’s the safer topic.

  “Because of this.” She turns around, throwing her arms in the air. “I didn’t want this. I don’t want to be looked at like the sick girl. Especially by you. I wanted something real. I thought this was going to be real.”

  I step to her, holding her hands. “This is real.” I lean in to kiss her, but she pushes me away.

  “No it’s not, because now I’ll always be wondering if this is what you really want or if you’re just doing this because you feel sorry for me.”

  “I promise that’s not it. Yesterday and the day before were real. I had no idea then. I’m serious, Kenzie. I’m really falling for you.”

  “But….” she pauses like she’s waiting for me to continue.

  “There’s no but.”

  “Now there is.” She puts words in my mouth. “I want to travel, but you have a treatment. I’d love to have a life with you but, oh yeah, you’re going to die.”

  She pushes her way past me, grabbing her purse off the floor before opening my door. She chokes back a sob, and the sound hits me in the gut.

  “Don’t leave. What are you doing?”

  “I’m making this easy for the both of us. I know you don’t want to be with a sick girl. Who would? You already fulfilled my fantasy. I never in a million years thought I would get to kiss you, let alone share these amazing times together. Thank you. I’ve got to go.”

  I grab her hand, trying to stop her one more time. “Please don’t go.”

  “I have to, Connor. This is my reality. I can’t live in a fantasy anymore.”

  Water streams from her eyes and I bend to kiss her. She pushes me away, but I pull her against me. She needs to understand I’m not going anywhere, I’m here for her.

  “Don’t do this,” I beg. She sags in my arms. When my lips touch the top of her head and I whisper, “I’m here, I promise,” she straightens and yanks free.

  “No, Connor, don’t do this,” she says without looking at me.

  “Do what? Care about you?” I reach for her again but she runs out the door, weeping.

  “Goodbye, Connor.”

  The door slams.

  I throw my hands around like I’m punching reality straight in the face. This is bullshit. I want to be there for her. I want to take her to doctor’s appointments and hold her hand when she’s scared.

  Holy shit. Fuck. Me.

  I run my hands through my hair in disbelief, finally admitting it to myself.

  I love her.

  Why would she not want me there to help her through this? Why the fuck are girls so confusing?

  After drinking two more shots, I call the one person I never
thought I would call for love advice: my sister.

  “What’s up, yo?” she says slurring.

  “Can you talk, or are you drunk?” I state, not beating around the bush.

  “Whoa, sober now. Let me step outside.” She mentions to someone she needs to take this, and she’ll be right back. The music in the background fades, and she says, “Okay, I can hear you. What happened?”

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “I take it you told her you knew?”

  I huff. “Yeah, and it didn’t go well.”

  “What did you do, dumbass?” she questions.

  “I didn’t do anything. I swear. I asked her to come over and when I saw her I couldn't do anything but bring her to me, wanting to have her in my bed as soon as possible.”

  “Okay, first, please don’t say anything like that to me ever again. And second, were you acting desperate or something? I can’t believe I’m talking to my brother about sex, but I don’t see many girls being against this fact.”

  “I might have been. I panicked, so I did what I know best.”

  “Again, ew, please leave that stuff out of this conversation.”

  “Tracy, get over it. I fucked your best friend but, dammit, it’s so much more than that. I love her.”

  “Yeah.” She sighs sadly. “I knew the second I saw you with her. Did you tell her that?”

  “No, she wouldn’t give me the chance.”

  “She didn’t want you to know because she doesn't want people to treat her differently. Besides her parents and me, no one else knows.”

  “I don’t get it. Why would she not want anyone else to know?” I ask, frustrated with how girl’s minds work.

  “For this exact reason!” Tracy yells into the phone. “You freaked out. Now she’ll never know if you’re being genuine or just acting that way because you feel sorry for her.”

  “Then why did you tell me?” I growl.

  “Because you’re my brother and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

  “It’s too late for that. I’ve already fallen. I can’t go back. And Tracy, I don’t want to.”

  “Then tell her that,” she states like it’s the easiest thing on Earth to do.

  “She wouldn’t let me talk. She stormed out, saying goodbye.”

  “Connor, she may have said that, but she didn’t mean it. She’s scared. She needs you right now.”

  “So what do I do?”

  “Give her the time of her life. Show her how you feel. That’s the only way she’ll listen. But, Connor”—she pauses—“don’t fuck it up. You may be blood, but she’s my best friend.”

  I let out a rough laugh. “Well, thanks. Good to know you have my back.”

  “Anytime.” Someone calls her name. “I gotta go. Let me know if you need anything. Love ya, bro.”

  “You, too,” I say, wanting to bang my head on the counter until I know what to do.

  14

  Dear Diary,

  Well, it was nice while it lasted, but he knows, so I had to end it. Life sucks.

  Mackenzie

  Connor

  It took staying up all night, listening to music and wracking my brain, but I finally came up with exactly how to prove to her I’m not leaving, and we’ll fight this together.

  Now I just need her to talk to me.

  I text her a few times this morning, with simple things like please talk to me and let me be there for you, but no answer yet.

  I called on my lunch break, but she let it go to voicemail:

  Mackenzie, it’s me. I’ll be at your house around eight. Please, for us, come out with me.

  Even though she doesn’t respond, I knock on her door at eight. Thankfully, she opens it, purse in her hand, and closes it quickly behind her.

  “Sorry, I don’t want my roommates to know,” she whispers.

  I reach for her hand. “Hi there.” I smile, acting like nothing is wrong, and we’re back to where we were two days ago.

  Her shoulders drop. “Hi.”

  “Come with me. I have something to show you.” I intertwine my hand in hers and lead her down the hall.

  Once our seatbelts are buckled, I pull away from the curb.

  She turns to me. “Connor, please just get it over with. What do you want to talk to me about?”

  “I don’t want to talk. Be patient.”

  She looks out the passenger window. “Stop acting like nothing’s wrong,” she states in a barely audible whisper as she wipes a tear that slipped from her eye.

  My hand reaches for her again. “I’m not. I’m just not making our night solely about that. I want this. Sick or not. Not everything has to be about that.”

  “Before, I didn’t have to worry about anything. I didn’t have to wonder if you were being nice because you wanted to or because you felt bad for me. Now that’s all I think about. It’s not that easy,” she huffs.

  “Yes, it is.”

  I continue to hold her hand as I drive onto Highway 101 toward the airport. I take the exit after the airport and turn onto a dirt road. There’s all kinds of Do Not Enter and Authorized Personal Only signs, but I drive right past them.

  “Where are you going? I don’t think we're allowed here.”

  I shrug. “We aren’t.”

  “But, Connor?” she panics.

  “It will be worth it. I’ve always wanted to come out here. I hear people do it all the time. Just wait.”

  I park facing the runways, in what I hope is a good spot, getting out and opening her door.

  She’s not sure if she should get out of the car. I grin, holding out my hand, hoping she’ll put her faith in me.

  “Won’t we get in trouble?” she says, finally placing her hand in mine.

  “It’ll be fine.”

  I help her out and take a blanket from the backseat. “We can sit on the trunk.”

  She looks at me like I’m crazy. “Why?” The wind picks up, and she wraps her arms around herself.

  I open the blanket, place it around her shoulders, and pull her into a hug. “For that.” I point to where the lights of a plane race toward us and lift off a few hundred yards away before flying directly over us.

  I yell at the top of my lungs, celebrating the rush of watching all that weight get airborne.

  Mackenzie screams too. “Holy shit. That’s nuts!”

  “Now do you see why people come out here? Sit down before the next one takes off.”

  She lets me lift her up on the trunk, and I take my place beside her. When she opens the blanket wide, sharing it with me, I know I’m on the right track. I brought her, not only because it would be cool, but also because it’s not a place we can talk.

  The noise can be deafening at times, and I hope it will help us break this barrier she put up, showing her we can be together and not have the entire focus on her being sick.

  When the next plane takes off, we scream at the top of our lungs, feeling the release our relationship needs deep into our toes. It’s perfect. It’s exactly what we need, and I can see her walls slowly breaking down.

  I grasp her hand in mine, wanting to lean over to kiss her, and notice blue lights shine through the darkness. Her eyes widen, and I sense her panic.

  “Oh, shit,” I jump off the back of the car and help her down. “Time to go.”

  I grab the blanket, and we rush to our doors, then hear over a loudspeaker, “Stop right there.”

  We freeze and look at each other over the roof of my car. Her face is whiter than I’ve ever seen, and I’m not sure if I should laugh or worry. I hope she’s not pissed at me.

  “Turn toward me and slowly walk over here with your hands in the air,” I hear over the speaker, and we move toward the flashing blue lights.

  “Stop there. Now turn around.”

  My eyebrows shoot up when I realize how serious this is.

  A man approaches behind me and places my wrists in handcuffs before yanking me to the cop car and pushing my head down before almost throwing me
in the backseat.

  He spares Mackenzie and has her head to the car with her hands clasped in front of her instead of in back. He opens the door, asking her to sit inside, then drills us for info.

  “What in the hell do you guys think you’re doing? Did you not see the signs?” he asks, obviously frustrated.

  “Officer, this is my fault,” I say, but he stops me.

  “Not from you. I want to hear it from her. I can only imagine what you thought you were going to do here.”

  I have to stop the laugh I want to spit out. I’m shocked he would go there.

  “Officer, I swear we meant no harm. We just wanted to watch the planes take off,” she says.

  “I’ll need identification from both of you,” he states, annoyed.

  “Mine’s in the car,” Mackenzie responds.

  “Mine too,” I say.

  “Stay here.” He motions for her to lift her legs into the car and shuts the door.

  “Connor, oh my god. What are we going to do?”

  “You’re not cuffed. You should make a run for it, see if you can get away. I’ll go down for this.”

  “Run for it? We could get in so much trouble. Are you crazy?”

  “Crazy about you.” I smile, winking at her.

  “What?”

  I turn to face her as much as I can with these handcuffs on. “I mean it. I’m in love with you. I knew that first night at the club you were different, but I tried to ignore it. That’s why I left my parents’ house. I didn't want to believe it was you, because I couldn’t get you out of my head.”

  Her face brightens and her eyes start to well, but she blinks the tears away.

  “Every minute I’ve spent with you has pushed me further and further over the edge. I may not have fallen in love with you in the back of a cop car like the song said, but I wanted to tell you the first time this way.”

  “Oh my—what?”

  The biggest grin I’ve ever had shines through the flashing blue lights when Aaron, a buddy of mine, opens the door.

  “We all good in here?” he asks, trying to hide a smile.