Last Chance

by Lauren Runow

  That we weren’t at the beginning

  But the hold you had on me

  Proved I was just too blind to see.

  You’re the girl that’s my forever

  This is more than a now or never.

  This is my last chance to make it right

  My last chance to prove to you

  No matter what pain is ahead

  You’re worth every path I’ve been led.

  My last chance.

  “Connor,” I whisper, after reading the last line.

  I can barely see, my eyes are so full, as well as my heart. I can’t believe he did this for me.

  “I mean it, Kenzie. I wish we had more time, but I wouldn’t change a thing that lead me to exactly where I am now. Seeing you carry our baby means the world to me.”

  His lips brush mine, and I wrap my arms around the man who is my everything. Not only has he given me more than I’ve ever imagined, he’s brought it full circle and has given me the love you hear about in songs.

  My life may not be the luckiest, but having him by my side makes every day a miracle.

  28

  Dear Baby Girl,

  Any day I’ll get to meet you. I’m nervous, I’m scared, and I’m excited. But more than anything, I’m ready. Your father on the other hand is a nervous wreck. He has packed and repacked multiple times as well as checking out the fastest routes to the hospital for what time of day you decide to arrive. He’s so excited to be a dad and wants everything to go perfectly. Hopefully the next time I write, I’ll have you in my arms and I’ll get to gush over every little thing I love about you.

  Till then,

  Mom

  Mackenzie

  “Connor,” I call in the middle of the night.

  He startles next to me. “What? Are you okay?”

  “It hurts,” I burst out, clenching my lower half and doubling over in pain.

  “Breathe, baby. Did it just start?”

  I take a deep, calming breath as the pain subsides. “No, it’s been going on for a while now, but that one was way more intense than the others.”

  He jumps out of bed and runs around to my side, lifting me out of bed. My clothes are on the chair beside; he removes my nightshirt and slips on the skirt and shirt I have waiting.

  When his lips touch my forehead, calmness washes over me, giving me strength to hold on tight to his shoulders as another contraction rips me apart.

  “You have to breathe for me, Kenzie. Remember the classes we took. Let me get my watch so I can time them. Don't’ forget, it gets worse for twenty seconds then it fades away,” he reminds me.

  I try to breathe in but the pain is so intense, I feel like I’m being ripped apart.

  “I’m scared, Connor. This really hurts.” I hold on to him tightly.

  “But we’re going to have our baby girl. Envision holding her in your arms. She’ll be worth it. And Kenzie, look, it’s after midnight. She’s going to be born on your birthday! Happy birthday, baby.” He kisses me and places his hands on my belly. “Literally,” he laughs and beams with excitement.

  I grimace a smile, surprised. She’s not due for a week and a half, so even though I hoped she’d come a few days early, I didn’t think it would actually happen.

  He leads me down to the car. Since it’s four o’clock in the morning, the streets are empty, and we’re able to make it to the hospital quicker than I had thought we would.

  As another contraction hits, I close my eyes, working through it, and imagine what she’s going to look like. I hope she has my hair and nose but Connor’s eyes.

  Once I’m able to walk, he helps me into the hospital, where they put me in a wheelchair and push me to a room. Every contraction is stronger and closer together, but when they ask if I want pain meds, I say no. I don’t want to miss a moment of her birth. My body was made to do this, and it’s something I want to experience.

  My goal was to have a water birth, so they have us set up with a tub in our room. In the research I’d done, having the mom sit in a tub allows her body to relax more and work on delivering the baby.

  My doctors fear how the birth will go, having no clue how the act of pushing would affect my brain, so no matter how much I want to, I have to keep all tension low and let my body get the baby out instead of fighting against it and clenching in fear.

  A few very painful hours have passed, and Connor holds my hand when the midwife checks my status. “You’re at eight centimeters. I think it’s time to get in the tub,” she announces. I’ve never felt so relieved.

  “Did you hear that, baby?” Connor says happily.

  The poor guy has had to endure every scream, every cry, and my crushing death grip, but he hasn’t given up, and I love him that much more.

  They assist me into the tub and instantly I’m content and relaxed in a way I didn’t think possible. My muscles finally relax as my head falls against the edge in complete exhaustion.

  To my surprise I fall asleep, completely relaxed for those few minutes only to be woken up with the most intense pain ripping through me once again.

  After it subsides, I turn to my midwife. “I’m not sure how much more I can take.”

  Connor wraps his arms around my shoulders. “You got this, baby. We’re so close.”

  “But what if I can’t? How do I even know when it’s time?”

  The midwife actually laughs. “Oh, you’ll know.”

  I want to punch her in the face.

  How dare she think this entire situation is any laughing matter? I’m scared to death. Feeling like I’m going to explode at any minute if I have to endure this pain too much longer.

  My head rests on Connor’s shoulder and I focus on my breath, talking myself into not giving up, not begging for an epidural, and trying to envision what my daughter will look like.

  I close my eyes for a brief moment and a sudden intense pressure builds down low, causing a completely different pain than what I’ve felt before. My hands fly to the edge of the tub, desperately grasping for anything that will keep me grounded.

  “I think I know,” I yell.

  “It’s okay, calm down, breathe,” the midwife says, wiping a washcloth across my forehead.

  “No,” I scream. “I know when it’s time, and it’s now. Look.”

  A tiny head is making its presence known.

  “Holy cow!” she yells out. “Don’t push.”

  “I’m not! She’s coming though.” I grip the edge of the tub hard until the feeling subsides, and I can take a deep breath.

  “Holy shit!” Connor yells, making me laugh.

  “Mackenzie,” the midwife says. “Give me your hand. Here, feel your baby.”

  I move my hand under the water and touch the crown of my daughter’s head.

  My eyes go wide in shock as Connor laughs at my reaction.

  “Wait for the next contraction. Let your body do the work and relax in these moments of rest. She’ll be here soon.”

  “Can I feel?” Connor asks.

  “Of course,” the midwife responds.

  He reaches down into the water, lightly brushing the head of his baby girl. When he looks my direction, his lips crash into mine, kissing me until I have to break away with the same urge rushing through me again.

  “Good job, Dad. The surge of hormones normally does the trick,” she teases as I grip the edge again, welcoming Mia Mackenzie Hayden into the world.

  I feel the final pop of release and my head falls back, a feeling of total exhaustion and utter relief sweeping through me.

  I did it.

  The midwife works quickly and within seconds, I feel the warmth of a tiny body on my chest and the soft cries of a baby filling the room.

  “Kenzie,” Connor wraps his arms around both his girls. “You did it. Look at her, baby.”

  “Congratulations, Mom and Dad. She was born at 7:14 a.m.”

  I lift my head, glancing at the beautiful angel that just came out of me. The pain is still very real, but m
y heart is filling with love. Connor kisses Mia’s forehead.

  “Did you say 7:14?” Connor asks.

  “That’s correct,” the midwife responds over her shoulder.

  “Baby, did you hear that? She was born on your birthday and at 7:14.”

  I look up when what he’s saying sinks in. “Your birthday,” I whisper through pain, tears and elation. Connor’s birthday is July fourteenth.

  I drop my head back against the tub, saying a quick prayer and thanking God for my life and my miracle. Her birth proves even more that this was the purpose and meaning of my life, wrapped in a little bundle of joy.

  Connor’s lips softly brush mine before he places a hand on our daughter’s back. Together, we share an embrace for the first time as a family.

  29

  Dear Mia,

  My life is complete. I could stare at you all day long. Your little fingers and toes amaze me, and don’t get me started on your cheeks. I want to kiss them every second, they’re so round and cute. I couldn’t be happier. Even though nothing else is right, it actually is because of you, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough.

  Totally smitten,

  Mom

  Connor

  “Look at her,” Mackenzie whispers when I walk into the living room. Mia is asleep in her arms. “She’s perfect. Everything about her is perfect.”

  I kiss her forehead before rubbing my hand softly over Mia’s head. She’s grown over these past four months, but she’s still tiny.

  “She really is. Have you been up for a while?”

  “She woke up around four, and I’ve been holding her ever since. I couldn’t bring myself to put her back down.”

  I laugh quietly. “You’re going to spoil her rotten. She needs to learn to sleep on her own.”

  She shoos me off with a grin.

  I whisper, “I love you,” before kissing her. “Just remember to take care of yourself too. Can I get you anything?”

  Her headaches are worsening, but she says it’s nothing she can’t deal with.

  “I’m good. I have all I need right here.”

  “Okay, I’m going to hop in the shower.” I head back to our bedroom.

  My law firm gave me a month off to be with them but that time went by too fast. While I’m at work, she stays home getting to cuddle and play with Mia all day. I love that I can give her that opportunity without having to worry about money or anything else.

  I’m about to pull down my boxers when I hear a loud bang and Mia crying at the top of her lungs. Running as fast as I can, I storm into the living room, where I see Mia on the floor and Mackenzie lying next to her on her side.

  “Mackenzie,” I yell. “Baby, are you okay?”

  I pick up Mia, comforting her but concerned about Mackenzie. Her eyes are rolled back in her head, and she’s trembling but otherwise stiff.

  After placing Mia in the swing, I hold Mackenzie, begging for her to stop. The doctor told us seizures were a possibility but this is the first one, and I have no clue what to do.

  Fear I never knew was possible washes through me as the woman I love helplessly convulses on the floor. Knowing there’s nothing I can do to help her leaves me feeling like a complete failure as her husband.

  Holding onto her tightly, I cry into her shoulder as I wait for her to come back to me.

  Once she stops shaking, I rush to my phone and dial 911, telling the operator what happened while I pull Mackenzie onto my lap, holding her as close as possible to my chest.

  After a few minutes her eyes open and panic sets in when she notices my tears and puffy eyes.

  “Connor?” She rubs her head, closing her eyes briefly, then looking around the room, noticing she’s on the floor.

  There’s a knock on the door, and I move Kenzie to let them in. They run to her side, and all I see is fear and confusion written all over her face.

  A paramedic tends to Mia as well, and it seems Mackenzie was able to protect her from any real damage. To be safe, we all get in the ambulance.

  On the way to the hospital, I call her parents and send a text to my friend Alan, briefly telling him what happened. He replies he’ll meet us there and my body welcomes the relief knowing he’ll be by my side.

  Thankfully, we’ve completely mended our relationship and he’s been my guiding force through her illness.

  I look over to Mackenzie who’s looking around like she’s still confused. Reaching out, I squeeze her hand gently, causing her to turn my way and our eyes meet.

  “What happened?” she asks, breaking my heart wide open.

  “You had a seizure. Everything’s okay though. Mia’s not injured.”

  Her hand covers her mouth in shock. “I was holding her?”

  I brush hair away from her face. “You were, but don’t worry. They’re going to check her out to be sure, but the paramedic didn’t have any reason to think we should be alarmed.”

  Tears slip from her eyes, and I wipe them away with my thumb. “Don't cry. I’m here.”

  “But what if you weren’t?” she says, holding onto my wrist.

  I close my eyes, not able to fathom the thought of not being there for the two of them. “I was though. So let’s not talk about that.”

  I lean in to kiss her, hoping that will calm her nerves.

  After they examine Mia, determining she is uninjured, I hold her in my arms while they take Mackenzie for tests. I’m out in the hall getting water when Alan appears.

  “Is she all right?” he asks, getting right to the point.

  “I don’t know yet. They’re doing tests.”

  He looks at Mia in my arms, and the pain he knows I feel is written on his face. Amy and he had a daughter a few months before us so I know he can truly put himself in my shoes.

  “How have her headaches been?”

  “She said they’re happening more often, but she was able to control them.”

  “Any other symptoms?”

  “Not that I know of. What does this all mean?”

  His eyes meet mine and he doesn't have to say anything. I’ve known Alan for years, and I’ve seen that look many times before when he talked about Amy and how much he still hurt for her. Seeing it now does me in.

  This is the beginning of the end.

  They gave Mackenzie medication that made her sleepy so I’m sitting next to her bed, playing with Mia.

  Her parents knock on the door. “Can we come in?”

  “Look, Grandma and Grandpa are here,” I say to Mia.

  Jean covers her mouth as tears well up in her eyes. Of course they’ve seen her tons of times, but I think with all the emotions of today seeing her smiling face pushed her over the edge.

  I hand Mia to Jean before shaking Michael’s hand. “Thank you for coming so fast.”

  “Oh stop, you know we’ll be here at the drop of a hat. How is she?” Jean asks, gazing at her daughter.

  “She’s good for right now. The tests told us what we already know. The tumor is growing.” I rub my eyes.

  She pats my back, giving me support that means the world to me.

  We play with Mia, trying to enjoy the brightness she brings to our otherwise dark future.

  “Connor, please don’t take this the wrong way, but we’ve been thinking,” Jean says, reaching for Michael’s hand. “We’re prepared for this, and we want to help. I-I mean,” she stutters. “What if you hadn’t been home today?”

  I don’t want to consider the thought but know I should. My stomach turns, thinking of what could have happened. If I’d come home to see them on the floor I might not be able to survive a loss like that.

  “Have you thought about moving back home?” she asks cautiously.

  “We haven’t talked about it, but I’ve been considering it. Especially after today…” I don’t finish that thought; I’ve dealt with enough pain today.

  She looks at Mackenzie and then at Mia. “We’d love to be able to be there every day for you guys. I think it might be time.”

>   I nod, reaching out to hold Mackenzie’s hand. “I think you’re right.”

  30

  Dear Mia,

  You are my guiding force through life. I’m determined to spend every moment I can with you, because my time is limited. Every day you surprise me, and I don’t want to miss a thing.

  Today we were lying on the floor, and you crawled to me. I held out my arms and with the biggest smile you turned to your hands and knees and crawled. I wanted nothing more than to pick you up and hold you high in the air to celebrate your success, but my arms are just too weak, so I laid down next to you instead. You wiped away any sadness I felt when you climbed up on my chest and gave me the wettest, most slobbery kiss. I will treasure that memory forever.

  Yours truly,

  Mom

  Connor

  I knock on my boss’s door. “Do you have a minute?”

  “Sure. What can I do for you, Connor?”

  I take a seat at his desk. We’ve been busy on a big case, but I’ve come to the realization that Mackenzie and Mia must come first.

  I haven’t told anyone at work about Mackenzie’s illness. I understood her wanting to be treated like she wasn’t sick, so not many people outside of close family know what’s going on. But it’s time.

  I fight the sting behind my eyes when I say, “Mackenzie’s sick.”

  He drops what he’s doing, giving me his full attention. “How sick?” he asks, his voice laced with sympathy.

  After the hospital trip a few months ago, along with doctors’ appointments I left early for multiple times, then with us moving back home, I’m sure they’ve wondered what was going on, but they never pried, which I was thankful for.

  “She has a brain tumor and”—I pause, searching for the words—“let’s just say things aren’t looking good. I hate to have to do this—”

  “Say no more. You take care of your family. I’ll call HR and put you on family leave. If you need more time than that, we’ll figure something out. You will always have a place here but you need to take care of your family.”