HERO (Pulls him aside): Do you want your freedom?
PSEUDOLUS (Looks back at GYMNASIA): More than ever.
(To LYCUS)
May I see the next girl?
LYCUS: That is the entire lot. Surely there is one among these to satisfy you.
PSEUDOLUS: As yet I have not seen exactly what I had in mind.
LYCUS (Claps hands): Courtesans! Out of the sun and into the house. I shall return in time to lead you in midday prayers.
(COURTESANS and EUNUCHS exit. PHILIA’s head appears in upper window of LYCUS’s house)
HERO (Whispers to PSEUDOLUS): Pseudolus, there she is!
PSEUDOLUS (To LYCUS): Oh, you fox! “That is the entire lot.” Did I not just spy a golden head and a pair of sky blue eyes? A body clad in flowing white?
LYCUS: Oh, that one. A recent arrival from Crete. A virgin.
PSEUDOLUS (Nudging HERO): A virgin.
HERO: A virgin!
PSEUDOLUS (To LYCUS): Well??
LYCUS: Only yesterday she was sold.
HERO: Sold!
(Draws his dagger melodramatically. PSEUDOLUS wrests it from him)
PSEUDOLUS: Behave yourself!
(Begins casually cleaning his nails with dagger)
She was sold?
LYCUS: To the great captain, Miles Gloriosus, who comes this day to claim her. She cost five hundred minae.
PSEUDOLUS (Amazed): Five hundred!
LYCUS: A great sum, to be sure. But being a man of conquest, his heart was set on a virgin.
PSEUDOLUS: You say she just arrived from Crete?
LYCUS: Yes.
PSEUDOLUS: Mmm. I hope the great captain is kind to her. She deserves a bit of affection before . . .
(Sighs, then to HERO)
Tragic, is it not?
(HERO moans)
LYCUS: What is tragic?
PSEUDOLUS: The news from Crete.
LYCUS: What news?
PSEUDOLUS: Why should I darken your day? Farewell, Lycus.
LYCUS: (Grabs him): What is the news?
PSEUDOLUS: What news?
LYCUS: The news from Crete.
PSEUDOLUS: I heard it. Tragic.
LYCUS: Pseudolus!
(Shakes him)
PSEUDOLUS: You force me to tell you! Crete is ravaged by a great plague. People are dying by the thousands.
LYCUS: But this girl is healthy. She goes smiling through the day.
PSEUDOLUS: She doesn’t! I thought you knew. When they start to smile, the end is near.
LYCUS: No!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes. I am told it is lovely now in Crete. Everyone lying there, smiling.
LYCUS: Is it contagious?
PSEUDOLUS: Did you ever see a plague that wasn’t?
LYCUS: My other girls!
PSEUDOLUS: You had best get her out of there.
HERO: Yes!
LYCUS: And then?
PSEUDOLUS: I could look after her until the captain comes.
HERO: He could!
LYCUS: But would you not be ... ?
PSEUDOLUS: I have already had the plague. I would tell you about it but . . .
(Pantomimes disgust)
LYCUS: I do hope she lives until the captain gets here.
(Exits into his house)
HERO (Elated): Pseudolus, I am to be with her!
PSEUDOLUS: Until the captain arrives.
HERO (Sadly): Yes.
PSEUDOLUS: Wait!
(Thinks a moment)
HERO: Yes?
PSEUDOLUS: A brilliant idea!
HERO: Yes?
PSEUDOLUS: That’s what we have to find. A brilliant idea.
HERO: You must find one.
LYCUS (Speaking into his house as he backs out of it): Come, come, my dear. This way. Don’t touch that pillar. Here is someone I want you to meet.
(PHILIA enters from house, carrying a bag)
Philia, this is Pseudolus. You are to stay with him until the captain comes. It will not be long.
(A side to PSEUDOLUS)
Pseudolus! Thank you, Pseudolus. If none in the house were to your liking, there will soon be new arrivals. You shall have first choice, because, Pseudolus, you are a friend.
(Bows)
PSEUDOLUS (Returning the bow): And you, Lycus, are a gentleman and a procurer.
(LYCUS exits. HERO and PHILIA stand staring at each other. PSEUDOLUS looks at them, then turns to audience)
There they are. Together. And I must keep them that way, together, if I am to be free. What to do? What to do?
(To himself)
I need help. I’ll go to the harbor. There I may find a way out! I am off! The captain!
(HERO and PHILIA turn to him, alarmed)
Watch for him. He may arrive this way . . .
(PHILIA turns from HERO, looks off)
... or he may arrive this way.
(HERO turns, looks off)
No, no. You watch this way.
( Turns PHILIA around)
And you watch that way.
(Turns HERO around. HERO and PHILIA now face each other)
Much better.
(Starts to exit, stops, addresses audience)
Don’t worry. Nothing will happen. He’s a virgin, too.
(Runs off)
PHILIA: My name is Philia.
HERO: Yes.
PHILIA: I do not know your name, but you have beautiful legs.
HERO: My name is Hero and ... uh ... you have beautiful legs . . . I imagine.
PHILIA: I would show them to you, but they are sold.
HERO: I know.
PHILIA: Along with the rest of me. I cost five hundred minae. Is that a lot of money?
HERO: Oh, yes.
PHILIA: More than three hundred?
HERO: Nearly twice as much.
PHILIA: Those are the two numbers that mix me up, three and five. I hope that captain doesn’t expect me to do a lot of adding.
HERO: You can’t add?
PHILIA: We are taught beauty and grace, and no more. I cannot add, or spell, or anything. I have but one talent.
(Sings)
I’m lovely,
All I am is lovely,
Lovely is the one thing I can do.
Winsome,
What I am is winsome,
Radiant as in some
Dream come true.
Oh,
Isn’t it a shame?
I can neither sew
Nor cook nor read nor write my name.
But I’m happy
Merely being lovely,
For it’s one thing I can give to you.
HERO: Philia ...
PHILIA: Yes?
HERO: Say my name.
PHILIA: Just say your name?
HERO: Yes.
PHILIA: Very well.
(A blank look)
I have forgotten it.
HERO (Disappointed): It’s Hero.
PHILIA: Forgive me, Hero. I have no memory for names.
HERO: You don’t need one. You don’t need anything.
(Sings)
You’re lovely,
Absolutely lovely,
Who’d believe the loveliness of you?
Winsome,
Sweet and warm and winsome,
Radiant as in some
Dream come true.
PHILIA:
True!
HERO:
Now
Venus would seem tame,
Helen and her thou-
Sand ships would have to die of shame.
BOTH:
And I’m happy,
Happy that you’re (I’m) lovely,
For there’s one thing loveliness can do:
It’s a gift for me to share with you!
(They kiss)
HERO: Do you know? I’ve never been kissed before.
PHILIA: That’s the very first thing they teach us.
HERO: Philia ... I love you.
PHILIA: And I love you.
(Th
ey embrace, as HYSTERIUM enters from SENEX’s house, muttering)
HYSTERIUM: Pseudolus! where is that — ?
(Sees HERO and PHILIA)
Oh, no! No, no, no, no!
HERO (Frightened): Hysterium — this is Philia.
HYSTERIUM: Never mind who she is, who is she? Where is she from?
HERO (Haltingly): She is from the house of Lycus.
HISTERIUM: A courtesan!
PHILIA: I am a virgin.
HISTERIUM (Disbelievingly, with a fake smile): Of course. Hero, this will never do. Never, never. Bid farewell to this young lady so that she can go about her . . . uh ... business.
HERO: But Pseudolus said . . .
HISTERIUM: Pseudolus! I might have known!
(PSEUDOLUS runs on)
PSEUDOLUS (Spots HISTERIUM, then to HERO): Hero! Master!
HISTERIUM: Pseudolus!
(PSEUDOLUS reacts, polishes pillar of house)
Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, Hysterium?
HISTERIUM: Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS: Pronounced perfectly! You know, a lot of people say Pseudolus, and I hate it.
(Aside to HERO)
Show the girl our garden.
(HERO and PHILIA exit behind SENEX’s house)
HISTERIUM: How dare you! Arranging an assignation between an innocent boy and a you-know-what!
PSEUDOLUS (Stopping him): Hysterium, there is something you should know about that you-know-what.
HISTERIUM: What?
PSEUDOLUS: That girl, about whom you think the worst, is my daughter.
HISTERIUM: Your what?
PSEUDOLUS: My daughter. You’ve heard me speak of her.
HISTERIUM: Never!
PSEUDOLUS: Well, I don’t like to talk about her.
(Polishes pillar)
HISTERIUM: That girl is not your daughter.
PSEUDOLUS: My sister?
HISTERIUM: I shall go tell his parents.
PSEUDOLUS: Wait! Hysterium, the truth. She has been sold to a captain who comes any moment now to claim her.
HISTERIUM: Oh. I go tell his parents!
PSEUDOLUS: I go with you!
HYSTERIUM: You don’t want to be there when I tell them about you!
PSEUDOLUS: No, I want you to be there when I tell them about you!
HYSTERIUM: Tell them what about me? I have nothing to fear. I am a pillar of virtue. I go.
(Starts to leave, PSEUDOLUS stops him)
PSEUDOLUS: I think it might be of interest to the family that their slave-in-chief, their pillar of virtue, has secreted within the confines of his cubicle Rome’s most extensive and diversified collection of erotic pottery.
(HISTERIUM freezes in horror)
HISTERIUM: Pseudolus!
(Calls out)
Hero!
PSEUDOLUS: Tell me, where did you ever get that fruit bowl with the frieze of ... ?
(Indicates an erotic pose or two)
HISTERIUM: Pseudolus!
(HERO and PHILIA enter)
Hero, as you know, your mother and father placed me in charge of your innocence. However, I have decided to allow you to remain with the girl until the arrival of her captain.
HERO: Oh, Philia!
(Embraces her)
HISTERIUM: Here! Stop doing that!
(Separates them)
You could hurt each other!
(Exiting into SENEX’s house)
Ohhhhh!
PSEUDOLUS: Master, I said we needed a brilliant idea.
HERO: Yes?
PSEUDOLUS: I have been to the harbor, and I have found one. Come along!
PHILIA: Are we going somewhere?
PSEUDOLUS: You are. You have your belongings.
(To HERO)
Let us fetch yours.
HERO: Where are we to go?
PSEUDOLUS: Away.
HERO: Where away?
PSEUDOLUS: Far away!
HERO: But my family ...
PHILIA: My captain . . .
PSEUDOLUS: There is only room for two of you.
HERO: Where?
PSEUDOLUS (Sings):
In the Tiber there sits a boat,
Gently dipping its bow,
Trim and tidy and built to float.
Pretty little picture?
Now . . .
Put a boy on the starboard side,
Leaning out at the rail.
Next to him put a blushing bride,
Slim and slender and starry-eyed.
Down below put a tiny bed.
The sun gets pale,
The sea gets red,
And off they sail
On the first high tide,
The boat and the bed and the boy and the bride!
It’s a pretty little picture, oh, my!
Pretty little picture, how true!
Pretty little picture which I,
Pseudolittlelus, give to you!
Feel the roll of the playful waves!
See the sails as they swell!
Hear the whips on the galley slaves!
Pretty little picture?
Well . . .
Let it carry your cares away,
Out of sight, out of mind,
Past the buoy and through the bay —
Soon there’s nothing but sea and spray.
Night descends and the moon’s aglow.
Your arms entwined,
You steal below,
And far behind
At the edge of day,
The bong of the bell of the buoy in the bay,
And the boat and the boy and the bride are away!
It’s a pretty little picture to share
As the little boat sails to sea.
Take a little trip free as air,
Have a little freedom on me!
HERO and PHILIA:
No worries,
No bothers,
No captains,
No fathers!
PSEUDOLUS:
In the ocean an island waits,
Smooth and sandy and pink,
Filled with lemons and nuts and dates.
Pretty little picture?
Think:
In a cottage of cypress trees,
Sea-shells dotting the door,
Boy and bride live a life of ease,
Doing nothing but what they please.
And every night when the stars appear,
There’s nothing more
To see or hear,
There’s just the shore
Where the lovers lie,
The sand and the sea and the stars and the sky,
And the sound of a soft little satisfied sigh . . .
(HERO and PHILIA sigh)
ALL:
All your petty little problems will cease,
And your little blessings will flow,
And your little family increase.
Pretty little picture?
PSEUDOLUS:
No, no!
Pretty little masterpiece!
ALL:
Pretty little picture!
PSEUDOLUS: Come! We go!
HERO: Yes!
PHILIA: Wait! I cannot go.
PSEUDOLUS: Why can you not?!
PHILIA: As long as the captain has a contract I must go with him. That is the way of a courtesan.
HERO: Oh, Venus, why did you bring us together, only to part us?
PHILIA: Be brave, Hero.
HERO: For us there will never be happiness.
PHILIA: We will have to learn to be happy without it.
PSEUDOLUS (To audience): Have you been listening? Do you believe this? And not a word about me or my freedom.
(Firmly)
She must go with him!
PHILIA: This waiting out here is torture. Why doesn’t he come and take me?
PSEUDOLUS: In good time you will be taken. But not on the street. Inside.
PHILIA: You will tell me when he comes?
PSEUDOLUS: I shall have him knock. On th
e door. Three times.
PHILIA: That’s two and one more?
PSEUDOLUS: Correct. Three times. Now, in, in, in.
(PHILIA exits into SENEX’s house)
HERO (Despondently): Pseudolus, what is going to happen?
PSEUDOLUS (Confidently): She will go with you.
(HISTERIUM enters from SENEX’s house)
HISTERIUM: Hero, I am off to market. While you are alone with the girl, remember who you are.
(HERO exits into SENEX’s house)
I have yet to begin my daily chores.
PSEUDOLUS: Hysterium, before you go. Just one more favor.
HISTERIUM: What is it?
PSEUDOLUS: May I borrow your book of potions?
HISTERIUM: Oh, no, no, no! That stays right here . . .
(Pats his back pocket)
Where it belongs.
(Calls off)
You there, bird seller! What do you have in the way of a plump peahen?
(As he exits, PSEUDOLUS deftly lifts potion book from HYSTERIUM’ s back pocket, addresses audience)
PSEUDOLUS: His book of potions! And my pass to freedom! What I need is his sleeping potion. With a drop or two of that, the breath stops short, the eyes slam shut, the body hangs limp. I shall mix a few drops in a beaker of wine and give it to the girl to drink. I show Lycus that she has died of the plague and tell Hero to dispose of the body. Then they to the boat, I to the hills . . .
(Points to audience)
and you to your homes.
(Looks through pages, then to audience)
I just remembered something frightening. I cannot read!
(Calls)
Hero! Come out here.
(HERO enters from SENEX’s house)
Call these pages off to me.
HERO: Not now?!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, now! Read!
HERO (Reading as he turns pages): “Fever Potion” . . . “Headache Potion” . . . “Passion Potion” . . . “Sleeping Potion” ...
Four by Sondheim Page 4