PSEUDOLUS: That’s it! The formula. What do we need? The ingredients?
HERO: “The eye of an eel.”
PSEUDOLUS: That we have.
HERO: “The heart of a snail.”
PSEUDOLUS: That we have.
HERO: “A cup of mare’s sweat.”
PSEUDOLUS: Mare’s sweat? That we have not.
HERO: Why are you preparing this?
PSEUDOLUS: I intend to give it to the girl. Asleep, she will go with you.
HERO: She will?
PSEUDOLUS (Worried): Mare’s sweat . . .
HERO: Where will you find it?
PSEUDOLUS: Leave that to me. You go to the harbor! Give the boatman your twenty minae and tell him that you sail with him this day! I shall prepare the potion!
HERO: This is exciting!
PSEUDOLUS: Isn’t it! Go!
(HERO exits)
Mare’s sweat! Where am I going to find mare’s sweat on a balmy day like this?
(PSEUDOLUS exits, as SENEX enters with DOMINA’s bust, calling)
SENEX: Pseudolus! Pseudolus! ... He could have taken this to the stonecutter for me.
(To audience)
I dropped it, and now the nose has to be re-sharpened. Hysterium will take it for me.
(Goes to his house, kicks door three times. A pause, then PHILIA enters from house, arms outstretched)
PHILIA: Take me!
(SENEX looks around)
Take me!
SENEX: What did you say?
PHILIA: Take me!
SENEX: One moment.
(Puts statue on stoop, starts for PHILIA, returns to statue, and turns its face away from PHILIA)
PHILIA: Here on the street if you like! My body is yours. Say it. Say it!
SENEX (Looks round, then quickly): Your body is mine.
PHILIA: Then take me!
(Throws herself at him)
Is this not what you want?
SENEX: It does cross my mind now and then.
PHILIA: You must know one thing.
SENEX: What is that?
PHILIA: Though you have my body, you shall never have my heart.
SENEX: Well, you can’t have everything.
(Looks heavenward)
A thousand thanks, whichever one of you did this.
(She seizes him. They hold their embrace as PSEUDOLUS enters, carrying a vial. Not seeing SENEX and PHILIA, he addresses audience)
PSEUDOLUS: Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets from here.
(Holds up vial, turns, sees embrace. SENEX’s face is hidden from him. PSEUDOLUS turns to audience)
Gets to look more like his father every day!
PHILIA (Still in SENEX’s arms): Pseudolus, he is here.
PSEUDOLUS: No!
(SENEX looks from PHILIA to PSEUDOLUS, then back to PHILIA)
SENEX: Remember where we stopped.
(Slips out from under her, goes to PSEUDOLUS)
PSEUDOLUS: Sir, you’re back.
SENEX (Holding his spine): She almost broke it.
PSEUDOLUS: You’ve returned!
SENEX: Yes!
PSEUDOLUS: Unexpectedly!
SENEX: Apparently! Who is she?
PHILIA: I shall wait your bidding.
SENEX: Yes, dear.
PHILIA: Ever your servant.
(Bows, exits into SENEX’s house)
SENEX (Sighs): Ever my servant.
PSEUDOLUS (Quickly): Yes, sir. Your servant. Your new maid.
We needed someone to help.
SENEX: A new maid. She seems very loyal.
PSEUDOLUS: And very efficient and very courteous and very thoughtful.
SENEX: Maids like me. I’m neat. I like maids. They’re neat. Something no household should be without.
(Sings, PSEUDOLUS all the while encouraging him)
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Everybody ought to have a working girl,
Everybody ought to have a lurking girl
To putter around the house.
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Everybody ought to have a menial,
Consistently congenial
And quieter than a mouse.
Oh! Oh! Wouldn’t she be delicious,
Tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin?
Oh! Oh! Wouldn’t she be delightful,
Sweeping out, sleeping in?
Everybody ought to have a maid!
Someone whom you hire when you’re short of help
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse!
Fluttering up the stairway,
Shuttering up the windows,
Cluttering up the bedroom,
Buttering up the master,
Puttering all around
The house!
(PSEUDOLUS pantomimes a maid)
Oh! Oh! Wouldn’t she be delicious,
Tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin?
Oh! Oh! Wouldn’t she be delightful,
Sweeping out, sleeping in?
Everybody ought to have a maid!
Someone who, when fetching you your slipper, will
Be winsome as a whippoorwill
And graceful as a grouse!
Skittering down the hallway,
Flittering through the parlor,
Tittering in the pantry,
Littering up the bedroom,
Twittering all around
The house!
(HYSTERIUM enters, reacts at the sight of SENEX. PSEUDOLUS whispers to him)
HYSTERIUM: A maid?
PSEUDOLUS: A maid.
SENEX: A maid.
ALL: A maid!
Everybody ought to have a maid.
Everybody ought to have a serving girl,
A loyal and unswerving girl
Who’s quieter than a mouse.
Oh! Oh!
Think of her at the dustbin,
’Specially when she’s just been
Traipsing about.
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn’t she be delightful?
HYSTERIUM:
Living in ...
SENEX:
Giving out!
ALL:
Everybody ought to have a maid,
Daintily collecting bits of paper ’n’ strings,
Appealing in her apron strings,
Beguiling in her blouse!
HYSTERIUM:
Pattering through the attic,
SENEX:
Chattering in the cellar,
PSEUDOLUS:
Clattering in the kitchen,
SENEX:
Flattering in the bedroom,
ALL:
Puttering all around the house,
The house,
The house!
(LYCUS enters. HISTERIUM whispers to him)
LYCUS: A maid?
HISTERIUM: A maid.
PSEUDOLUS: A maid.
SENEX: A maid!
ALL:
Everybody ought to have a maid,
Someone who’s efficient and reliable,
Obedient and pliable
And quieter than a mouse.
Oh! Oh! Wouldn’t she be so nimble,
Fiddling with her thimble,
Mending a gown?
Oh! Oh! Wouldn’t she be delightful?
LYCUS:
Cleaning up ...
SENEX:
Leaning down!
ALL:
Everybody ought to have a maid!
Someone who’ll be busy as a bumblebee
And, even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse!
LYCUS:
Wriggling in the anteroom,
HYSTERIUM:
Jiggling in the living-room,
PSEUDOLUS:
Giggling in the dining-room,
SENEX:
Wiggling in the other rooms,
ALL:
Puttering all around
The house!
The house!
The house!
(LYCUS exits into his house)
SENEX: I know how busy both of you are. Therefore, it is for me to instruct her in the niceties of housework.
(Starting for his house)
We shall start in my room.
HISTERIUM: Sir!
PSEUDOLUS: Sir, your son is in there!
SENEX: Oh!
(Thinks a moment, then:)
Before my friend and neighbor, Erronius, went abroad in search of his children stolen in infancy by pirates, he asked me to look into his house from time to time.
(Goes to ERRONIUS’s house, takes key from ledge and opens door)
This seems as good a time as any. I shall have a chat with the girl in here. Send her to me.
PSEUDOLUS: Sir.
SENEX: Yes?
PSEUDOLUS: Only my great devotion to you allows me to speak so frankly.
(Unseen by SENEX, PSEUDOLUS sprinkles contents of vial on him)
You trudged along the road quite some way, and I fear that the great physical exertion . . .
(Sniffs)
SENEX (Sniffing): Is that me?!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, sir.
SENEX: My heavens, I smell like an overheated horse! I shall have to bathe.
PSEUDOLUS: At least!
(SENEX exits into ERRONIUS’s house)
HISTERIUM: Why did I ever let her in the house? I should never have listened to you!
PSEUDOLUS: Everything is going to be fine, pussycat.
(Hands him potion book)
HYSTERIUM: Oh, you! You just see that she gets out of that house.
PSEUDOLUS (Picking up statue): And you just see that he stays in that house. Keep calm!
(Exits into SENEX’s house)
HISTERIUM: Calm? Calm? Mustn’t be excited. Calm. Calm.
(Sings excitedly)
I’m calm, I’m calm,
I’m perfectly calm,
I’m utterly under control.
I haven’t a worry —
Where others would hurry,
I stroll.
(He runs frantically around the stage)
I’m calm, I’m cool,
A gibbering fool
Is something I never become!
When thunder is rumbling
And others are crumbling,
I hum.
(He tries to hum; it becomes a stifled scream)
I must think calm, comforting things:
Butterfly wings,
Emerald rings.
Or a murmuring brook,
Murmuring, murmuring, murmuring . . .
Look:
(Steadying his hands, seemingly calm)
I’m calm, I’m calm,
I haven’t a qualm,
I’m utterly under control.
Let nothing confuse me
Or faze me —
(Yawns)
Excuse me —
I’m calm,
Oh, so calm,
Oh, so ...
SENEX (Calls from inside ERRONIUS’s house): Hysterium!
(HYSTERlUM runs into SENEX’s house. PROTEANS, dressed as SAILORS, enter with bags, drop them, as ERRONIUS enters behind them)
ERRONIUS: Bring up the baggage. Fetch the rest from the harbor.
(SAILORS exit)
Ah, home at last! After years of searching for my long lost children.
(HYSTERIUM enters from SENEX’s house, carrying plucked chicken, reacts in horror)
How good it is to see this street once more. These tired old eyes fill with tears at the sight of the little they see.
(Bumps into HYSTERIUM)
Pardon me, young woman, I was just . . . that is ... I mean to say . . . Ah, lovely baby.
(Pats chicken)
About the age of my children when they were stolen by pirates.
(Going to his house)
Well, at least I have the comfort of my lonely house.
(HYSTERIUM rushes to door of ERRONIUS’s house)
HYSTERIUM: Sir!
ERRONIUS: And who are you?
HYSTERIUM: Hysterium, sir, servant to Senex.
ERRONIUS (To pillar): Yes, of course. I should have known you anywhere.
(SENEX is heard singing from inside house a bit of “Everybody Ought to Have a Maid ”)
What was that?
HYSTERIUM: I didn’t hear anything.
(SENEX sings a bit more)
I didn’t hear that either.
ERRONIUS: You did not hear that eerie sound?
HYSTERIUM: Eerie?
ERRONIUS: Eerie, as if haunted.
HYSTERIUM (To himself): Eerie, as if haunted?
(To ERRONIUS)
Sir, what I am about to tell you is eerie ... Your house is ... is haunted.
ERRONIUS: Haunted?
HYSTERIUM: As haunted as the day is long!
(PSEUDOLUS enters, stirring the potion, listens)
ERRONIUS: Impossible! My house haunted, you say? Strange.
HYSTERIUM: But true. Perhaps you ought to stay with relatives ... distant relatives.
ERRONIUS: Yes! No! Fetch me a soothsayer.
HYSTERIUM: A soothsayer?
ERRONIUS: Yes, I must have him search my house immediately.
(PSEUDOLUS puts cloth over his head, runs to ERRONIUS, chants ghoulishly)
PSEUDOLUS: You are in need of a soothsayer?
ERRONIUS: How did you know?
PSEUDOLUS: I’d be a fine soothsayer if I didn’t!
ERRONIUS: There is a spirit in my ...
PSEUDOLUS: Silence! I am about to say the sooth! Wait!
(Chants incoherently)
I see it. I see everything.
(HYSTERIUM steps behind ERRONIUS, pantomimes distance)
You have been abroad.
ERRONIUS: Yes, yes.
PSEUDOLUS: For ...
(Looks at HYSTERIUM, who flashes his ten fingers twice)
... twenty years!
(ERRONIUS nods vigorously. HYSTERIUM shades his eyes with one hand)
You have been searching ... for ...
(HYSTERIUM cradles his arms, rocks them)
A child!
(HYSTERIUM holds up two fingers)
Two children!
ERRONIUS: Yes, yes!
(HYSTERIUM flexes his muscles)
PSEUDOLUS: A fine, big boy.
ERRONIUS: Yes.
PSEUDOLUS: And ...
(HYSTERIUM places hand on his hip, pantomimes a girl)
A strange, little boy.
(HYSTERIUM shakes his head no)
A girl! A girl! A boy and a girl!
ERRONIUS: Yes! Can you find them for me?
PSEUDOLUS: Certainly. I can find them for you.
ERRONIUS (Takes ring from his finger, gives it to PSEUDOLUS): Each wears a ring on which is engraven a gaggle of geese.
PSEUDOLUS: A gaggle of what?
ERRONIUS: A gaggle of geese. Look!
(Points to ring)
There are only two others like it in the world. And my children wear them.
PSEUDOLUS: How many geese in a gaggle?
ERRONIUS: At least seven.
PSEUDOLUS: Seven? Then before I say the sooth again you must walk seven times around the seven hills of Rome.
ERRONIUS: Seven times?
HYSTERIUM: Slowly.
ERRONIUS: Seven times around the seven hills?
(SAILORS enter with more baggage)
Take it all back to the harbor!
(Proudly)
My house is haunted.
(SAILORS exit with baggage. SENEX is heard singing again. PSEUDOLUS joins in, eerily)
And the spirit?
PSEUDOLUS: It shall be gone by the time you have done my bidding.
ERRONIUS: Thank you.
PSEUDOLUS: To the hills!
ERRONIUS: To the hills!
(Starts for the footlights, PSEUDOLUS and HYSTERIUM stop him, head him toward the wings)
&n
bsp; HISTERIUM: This is the way, sir!
ERRONIUS: Thank you, young woman!
(Exits)
PSEUDOLUS (Calls): Sir, you forgot your gaggle!
(Puts ring on his own finger. SENEX enters from ERRONIUS’s house)
SENEX: Hysterium!
HYSTERIUM (Jumping): Sir!
SENEX: Prepare my bath!
HYSTERIUM: Yes, sir!
(Runs into ERRONIUS’s house)
SENEX: Ah, Pseudolus, that little maid. Do you know what her first words were to me? She said “Take me.”
PSEUDOLUS (Picking up potion bowl): And you shall, sir.
SENEX: ... I’ll try.
PSEUDOLUS (Exiting into SENEX’s house): Yes, sir.
SENEX (Starting into ERRONIUS’s house): Remember, Hysterium. Not too hot and not too cold.
(HERO runs on, calling)
HERO: Philia! Philia!
SENEX (Stops in doorway, turns): Son!
HERO: Father! Where’s mother?
SENEX (Frightened, turns): Where?!
(Realizes)
Oh. I — I have returned without her. Pressing business.
(PHILIA appears on balcony of SENEX’s house. Aside to HERO)
Lovely new maid.
HERO: New maid?
SENEX: Pseudolus told me about it.
HERO: Oh.
SENEX (To PHILIA): Presently, my dear.
(PHILIA exits into house, waving. SENEX turns to audience, sings)
Why did he look at her that way?
HERO (Sings, to audience):
Why did he look at her that way?
BOTH:
Must be my imagination ...
SENEX:
She’s a lovely blooming flower,
Four by Sondheim Page 5