He’s just a sprout — impossible!
HERO:
She’s a lovely blooming flower,
He’s all worn out — impossible!
SENEX:
Just a fledgling in the nest ...
HERO:
Just a man who needs a rest ...
SENEX:
He’s a beamish boy at best ...
HERO:
Poor old fellow ...
SENEX:
He’s a child and love’s a test
He’s too young to pass — impassable!
HERO:
He has asthma, gout, a wife,
Lumbago and gas — irascible!
SENEX:
Romping in the nursery ...
HERO:
He looks tired ...
SENEX (To HERO, warmly):
Son, sit on your father’s knee.
HERO (To SENEX, warmly):
Father, you can lean on me.
BOTH (To audience):
Him?
Impossible!
HERO:
But why did she wave at him that way?
SENEX:
Why did she wave at him that way?
BOTH:
Could there be an explanation?
HERO:
Women often want a father,
She may want mine — it’s possible!
SENEX:
He’s a handsome lad of twenty,
I’m thirty-nine — it’s possible!
HERO:
Older men know so much more ...
SENEX:
In a way, I’m forty-four ...
HERO:
Next to him, I’ll seem a bore ...
SENEX:
All right, fifty!
HERO:
Then again, he is my father,
I ought to trust — impossible!
SENEX:
Then again, with love at my age,
Sometimes it’s just—impossible!
HERO:
With a girl, I’m ill-at-ease ...
SENEX:
I don’t feel well ...
HERO (To SENEX, helplessly):
Sir, about those birds and bees ...
SENEX (To HERO, helplessly):
Son, a glass of water, please ...
BOTH (To audience):
The situation’s fraught,
Fraughter than I thought,
With horrible,
Impossible
Possibilities!
SENEX (Calling to his house): Pseudolus!
(To HERO)
Son, it grieves me to see a boy your age moping about the house.
(PSEUDOLUS enters, stirring potion)
Pseudolus, I want you to take Hero to the baths.
HERO: Sir!
PSEUDOLUS: Very good, sir. Allow me to finish a brew master
Hero asked me to prepare.
(To HERO)
Master, I shall meet you in front of the baths of Aqua Salina. You know where it is? Next to the harbor. And I shall have a surprise for you.
HERO: Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Farewell, father. Farewell,
Pseudolus.
(Exits)
SENEX: Well, he to his bath and I to mine.
(HYSTERIUM enters from ERRONIUS’s house, wiping hands on tunic)
HYSTERIUM: Just the way you like it, sir.
SENEX: One thing more, Hysterium.
HYSTERIUM: Yes, sir?
SENEX: I shall need a complete change of garb. Let me see ... my tunic with the tassels!
HYSTERIUM: Sir, it needs taking in.
SENEX: Well, take it in and bring it out!
(Exits into ERRONIUS’s house. HYSTERIUM exists into SENEX’s house singing a bit of “I’m Calm.” LYCUS enters from his house)
LYCUS: Pseudolus! The girl! I want to know the worst. How is she?
PSEUDOLUS: She is very low.
LYCUS: Still smiling?
PSEUDOLUS: Laughing!
(LYCUS reacts in horror)
There is one hope! I have prepared a plague potion. If it is not too late, we may yet save her life.
LYCUS: Give it to her!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes!
(PSEUDOLUS starts for SENEX’s house as fanfare is heard and PROTEAN, dressed as SOLDIER, enters, carrying spear)
SOLDIER: Ho, there!
(They turn, stare at him with horror)
I seek the house of Marcus Lycus.
LYCUS (Stammering superbly): Who heeks the souse of Mycus Leecus?
PSEUDOLUS (A hand on LYCUS’s shoulder): Hold, sir.
LYCUS: But he ... who ...
PSEUDOLUS: You’re not holding.
(To SOLDIER, enunciating grotesquely)
Who is he who seeks the house of Marcus Lycus?
SOLDIER: A foot soldier of Captain Miles Gloriosus!
(Executes an elaborate salute. Fanfare)
PSEUDOLUS: Smartly done!
SOLDIER: My captain has dispatched me to inform you that he is but half a league away. Prepare to greet him!
(Salutes, exits. Fanfare)
PSEUDOLUS: Half a league!
LYCUS: We have only moments!
PSEUDOLUS: I’ll give her the potion!
LYCUS: Yes!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes!
(Starts for SENEX’s house)
LYCUS: Wait!
PSEUDOLUS (Returns to LYCUS): What?
LYCUS: Don’t leave me!
PSEUDOLUS: Why not?
LYCUS: He’s coming!
PSEUDOLUS: I know he’s coming!
LYCUS (Takes bowl from him): You speak to him. I’ll give her the potion!
PSEUDOLUS: Wait! You can’t give her the potion!
LYCUS: Why not?
PSEUDOLUS: You’ll catch the plague!
LYCUS (Hands him bowl quickly): Oh, I don’t want the plague!
PSEUDOLUS: I’ve got to give her the potion!
LYCUS: Yes!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes!
(Starts for SENEX’s house)
LYCUS: Wait!
PSEUDOLUS: What?
(Returns to LYCUS)
LYCUS: She is in the house of Senex!
PSEUDOLUS: What will we do? ... Does he know which house is your house?
LYCUS: No!
PSEUDOLUS (Points to SENEX’s house): This is your house!
LYCUS: Will he believe it?
PSEUDOLUS: Get the girls!
LYCUS: Good!
PSEUDOLUS: I’ll give her the potion!
LYCUS: And I’ll get the girls!
PSEUDOLUS: Good!
LYCUS: Yes!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes!
(Starts for SENEX’s house)
LYCUS: Wait!
PSEUDOLUS (Returns to LYCUS): What is it ??!!
LYCUS: I forgot.
PSEUDOLUS: Lycus, we must not lose our heads!
LYCUS: Yes! No!
PSEUDOLUS (Screams): We must remain serene!
(Fanfare is heard)
LYCUS: Pseudolus, you must speak to the captain! I have no talent for bravery.
PSEUDOLUS: You grant me permission to represent you?
LYCUS: Complete!
PSEUDOLUS: All right. Collect the courtesans and bring them out. Then you are to wait in your house.
LYCUS: Pseudolus, I am eternally grateful. I am your friend until death!
PSEUDOLUS: Go!
LYCUS: Yes!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes!
(Starts for SENEX’s house)
LYCUS: Wait!
PSEUDOLUS (Stops, yells): No!
(A fanfare, and two PROTEANS, dressed as SOLDIERS, enter, come to a smart halt. LYCUS ducks into his house. PSEUDOLUS puts down potion bowl)
SECOND SOLDIER: Ho, there!
THIRD SOLDIER: We seek the house of Marcus Lycus!
PSEUDOLUS: Who seeks the mouse of Larkus Heekus?
THIRD SOLDIER: Foot soldiers of Captain Miles Gloriosus.
SECOND SOLDIER: He is but a quarter of a league away and bids you honor this.
(Hands PSEUDOLUS parchment)
PSEUDOLUS (Studies parchment): Oh, yes, of course.
SECOND SOLDIER: You know what this is?
PSEUDOLUS: Of course I know what this is. This is writing.
THIRD SOLDIER: It is your contract with the captain.
PSEUDOLUS: And a pretty piece of work. What is this word here?
(Points to spot on parchment)
THIRD SOLDIER: That is “Lycus.”
PSEUDOLUS: Oh, yes. Then you realize whom you are speaking to.
SECOND SOLDIER: Yes, sir.
THIRD SOLDIER: And do you see what it says there?
(Points to another spot)
PSEUDOLUS: It says ... words. And I intend to stand behind those words, or my name is not Marcus Lycus!
(HYSTERIUM enters)
HYSTERIUM: Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS (Without missing a beat): Or my name is not
Pseudolus Marcus Lycus! A moment. I must have a word with my eunuch.
(Taking HYSTERIUM aside)
Come here, eunuch!
HYSTERlUM: How dare you call me that?
PSEUDOLUS: You know it’s not true, and I know it’s not true, so what do we care what they think?
HYSTERIUM: Those soldiers, have they come for the girl? I’ll go right in and get her.
PSEUDOLUS: They have not come for the girl. They have come for me.
HYSTERIUM: What?
PSEUDOLUS: Hysterium, I have never told you this, but years ago I deserted from the army.
HYSTERIUM: No!
PSEUDOLUS: Sh! I was very young. I wanted to be an archer. Instead, they made me a slinger. Then, one day, at the height of battle, I lost my head. I arched when I should have slung. I had to flee.
HYSTERIUM: And now they have found you. Oh, Pseudolus!
PSEUDOLUS: Sh! They are looking for Pseudolus. I told them I am Lycus.
HYSTERIUM: And Lycus you are! Rely on me!
PSEUDOLUS: I must.
(Picks up potion bowl)
Hysterium, more bad news!
HYSTERIUM: I hope it’s good.
PSEUDOLUS: It’s terrible! The girl refuses to go with her captain. That is why I have prepared your sleeping potion. You are to give her a drop or two in a beaker of wine, and upon hearing me say “Present the bride,” carry her out in your arms!
HYSTERIUM: Trust me, Pseu—
(Catches himself, then loudly)
Trust me, Lycus!
(Takes bowl from PSEUDOLUS, speaking for SOLDIERS’ benefit)
I go, Lycus. Farewell, Lycus!
(Exits into SENEX’s house)
PSEUDOLUS (To SOLDIERS): Bid your captain come! His bride awaits him!
(SOLDIERS execute fancy salute, run off. PSEUDOLUS calls out)
Lycus! The girls! Quickly!
LYCUS (Opening his door): Yes!
(Calls into house)
Eunuchs! The girls! Quickly!
(To PSEUDOLUS)
We shall pose them informally!
PSEUDOLUS: Give the place a friendly look.
(EUNUCHS herd COURTESANS out of house)
EUNUCH: Hurry, there! Hurry! Hurry!
GYMNASIA: Don’t you lower your voice to me!
LYCUS: You are to do exactly as Pseudolus bids. He will represent me.
PSEUDOLUS (Points to SENEX’s house): All you girls over here!
Now, you eunuchs ...
(Indicates manly pose he wants them to assume. EUNUCHS squeal with delight)
Lycus, do we really need these eunuchs?
LYCUS (To EUNUCHS): Into the house.
EUNUCHS (Chirping): Into the house! Into the house!
(EUNUCHS exit into LYCUS’s house. PSEUDOLUS arranges COURTESANS)
PSEUDOLUS (To PANACEA): You there.
(To TINTINABULA and VIBRATA)
You there.
(To GEMINAE)
You there.
(To GYMNASIA)
You there ... Oh, there’s so much of you there!
(Leans on her bosom, as ERRONIUS enters)
ERRONIUS (To audience): First time around!
(All watch as he crosses stage, exits)
PSEUDOLUS (To COURTESANS): Now, may I have your attention? You are about to meet a great captain. Remember who you are and what you stand for. Now, will you all please strike ... vocational attitudes?
(COURTESANS strike poses)
Perfect! I would like a mosaic of this scene. An entire wall made up of ...
(Fanfare is heard)
LYCUS: The captain! Pseudolus, again my heartfelt ...
PSEUDOLUS: In! In!
(LYCUS exits into his house. A second fanfare is heard)
MILES (Offstage): Stand aside, everyone! I take large steps!
(Enters with SOLDIERS, counting off, music under)
SOLDIERS:
One, two, one, two ...
MILES:
We not only fought but we won, too!
SOLDIERS:
One, two, one, two ...
Left, right, left, right ...
MILES:
There’s none of the enemy left, right?
SOLDIERS:
Right! Left! ... uh ... Ri — uh — left!
(Utter confusion)
MILES: Halt!
PSEUDOLUS (Saluting): Hail, Miles Gloriosus.
MILES: You are?
PSEUDOLUS: Marcus Lycus, sir. I am dazzled by your presence.
MILES: Everyone is.
PSEUDOLUS (Indicating SENEX’s house): Welcome to my house, great captain. Your bride awaits you.
MILES: My bride!
(Sings)
My bride! My bride!
I’ve come to claim my bride,
Come tenderly to crush her against my side!
Let haste be made,
I cannot be delayed!
There are lands to conquer,
Cities to loot,
And peoples to degrade!
SOLDIERS:
Look at those arms!
Look at that chest!
Look at them!
MILES:
Not to mention the rest!
Even I am impressed.
My bride! My bride!
Come bring to me my bride!
My lust for her no longer can be denied!
Convey the news,
I have no time to lose!
There are towns to plunder,
Temples to burn
And women to abuse!
SOLDIERS:
Look at that foot!
Look at that heel!
Mark the magnificent muscles of steel!
MILES:
I am my ideal!
I, Miles Gloriosus,
I, slaughterer of thousands,
I, oppressor of the meek,
Subduer of the weak,
Degrader of the Greek,
Destroyer of the Turk,
Must hurry back to work!
MILES: COURTESANS: SOLDIERS:
I, Miles Gloriosus, Him, Miles Gloriosus, A man among
men!
I, paragon of virtues, Him, paragon of With sword
virtues, and with pen!
MILES: ALL:
I, in war the most admired, Himmm!
In wit the most inspired, Himmm!
In love the most desired, Himmm!
In dress the best displayed,
I am a parade!
SOLDIERS:
Look at those eyes,
Cunning and keen!
Look at the size of those thighs,
Like a mighty machine!
PSEUDOLUS:
Those are the mightiest thighs that I ever have theen!
I mean ...
MILES:
My bride! My bride!
Inform my lucky bride:
The fabled arms of Miles are open wide!
Make haste! Make haste!
I have no time to waste!
There are shrines I should be sacking,
Ribs I should
be cracking,
Eyes to gouge and booty to divide!
Bring me my bride!
SOLDIERS:
Bring him his bride!
ALL:
Bring him his bride!
(PSEUDOLUS goes to SENEX’s house)
PSEUDOLUS: Present the bride!
(Fanfare)
Pay homage all! Here, in one being is Juno, Diana and Venus.
(All kneel)
Present the bride!
(Fanfare. PSEUDOLUS bows. HYSTERIUM enters. To MILES)
A short delay, sir!
(Pulls HYSTERIUM aside)
What happened?
HYSTERIUM: I’ll tell you what happened! Nothing! She won’t drink!
PSEUDOLUS: What?
HYSTERIUM: She says on Crete her religion forbids it.
PSEUDOLUS: He had to fall in love with a religious Cretan! I’ll get her to drink! Captain, forgive the girl. She primps and preens. She wants to be worthy of so great a warrior.
(Exits into SENEX’s house with HYSTERIUM)
MILES: Understandable. I am a legend in my own time.
(Laughs. SOLDIERS join in)
Men! Close ranks! Stand tall!
(PSEUDOLUS enters from SENEX’s house)
Lycus!
(LYCUS peeks out of upper window of his house, listens)
Where is my bride?
PSEUDOLUS: Did she not come through this door?
MILES: No! What are you saying, man?
PSEUDOLUS: The virgin has escaped!
MILES: Oh, no! The beautiful bride I bargained for!
PSEUDOLUS: Vanished!
MILES: This is monstrous!
PSEUDOLUS: It certainly is. But look at it this way. Since I cannot deliver her to you, you do not have to pay me the five hundred minae.
MILES: I paid you the five hundred minae!
Four by Sondheim Page 6