Four by Sondheim
Page 7
(PSEUDOLUS reacts)
Through my agents. Has the money escaped as well?
PSEUDOLUS: There has been a little mistake.
(Laughs weakly)
I was only joking. Lycus will pay you.
(LYCUS groans, disappears from window)
MILES: What?
PSEUDOLUS: I was helping out a friend. Allow me, great captain.
(He goes to LYCUS’s house, pulls LYCUS out)
Come out here!
(To MILES)
Here is your man!
(To LYCUS)
Tell him! Tell him who I am!
(HYSTERIUM enters)
LYCUS: Everyone knows who you are, Lycus.
HYSTERIUM: Of course. He is Marcus Lycus.
PSEUDOLUS: No! No! He is Lycus. This is his house!
LYCUS (To MILES): Look within, sir. You will find none here but hooded men. We are a holy order. An ancient brotherhood of lepers.
(MILES backs away)
Unclean! Unclean! And bless you, Lycus!
(He backs offstage)
MILES: What now, Lycus?
PSEUDOLUS: What?
MILES: I shall tell you what! With axe and pike, my soldiers shall raze this house to the ground!
HYSTERIUM (Fainting): Our beautiful house!
MILES: And you, you shall receive the maximum punishment — death!
(COURTESANS scream)
PSEUDOLUS: Please, sir, please! May I be allowed a word?
MILES: A word?
PSEUDOLUS: One word.
MILES: It had better be a good one.
PSEUDOLUS: Oh, it is, sir!
MILES: What is it?
PSEUDOLUS (To audience): Intermission!
(Curtain)
Original Broadway Production
Zero Mostel as Pseudolus
The Proteans: Eddie Phillips, George Reeder, David Evans
“The House of Marcus Lycus”
Lycus (John Carradine) and Courtesans
PSEUDOLUS: “I think it might be of interest to the family that their slave in chief, their pillar of virtue has secreted within the confines of his cubicle Rome’s most extensive and diversified collection of erotic pottery.”
Pseudolus (Zero Mostel) and Hysterium (Jack Gilford)
“That Dirty Old Man”
Hysterium (Jack Gilford) and Domina (Ruth Kobart)
“Everybody Ought to Have a Maid”
Lycus (John Carradine)
Hysterium (Jack Gilford) Senex (David Burns) and Pseudolus (Zero Mostel)
Original London Production
Hysterium (Larry Blyden) and Pseudolus (Phil Silvers)
Domina (Nancy Walker) and Hysterium (Larry Blyden)
Pseudolus (Zero Mostel) and Lycus (Phil Silvers)
Erronius (Buster Keaton)
Hero (Michael Crawford) and Courtesans
1996 Broadway Revival
Ernie Sabella, Nathan Lane
Nathan Lane, Mark Linn-Baker, Ernie Sabella, Lewis J. Stadlen
Whoopi Goldberg
David Alan Grier, Ross Lehman, Ernie Sabella, Dick Latessa
ACT II
The scene is the same as Act I, but now PROLOGUS is played by SENEX rather than by PSEUDOLUS. As characters enter, they assume the positions in which we last saw them at the end of Act I.
PROLOGUS: Welcome again, playgoers. You are about to witness the second half of our play.
(Signals orchestra, which plays under following)
Permit me to remind you where we were when last you saw us. The virgin ...
(PHILIA enters)
... was waiting ... that’s what they do best ... waiting here in the house for her captain to claim her. She has refused to drink the potion on religious grounds.
(PHILIA exits into SENEX’s house)
Lycus ...
(LYCUS enters)
... skulks about the city, searching for Philia.
(LYCUS exits)
Hero ...
(HERO enters)
... is at the baths where he sits and soaks.
(HERO exits)
His mother ...
(DOMINA enters, exits)
... is on the way to the country to visit her mother. A hundred and four years old, and not one organ in working condition. The courtesans ...
(COURTESANS enter)
... Miles Gloriosus and his mighty warriors ...
(MILES, SOLDIERS enter)
... Hysterium and Pseudolus are here.
(HYSTERIUM, PSEUDOLUS enter)
And I, Senex, await the maid in my neighbor’s house, hopefully about to sow my last oat, if memory serves. Let the play continue!
(Exits into ERRONIUS’s house)
PSEUDOLUS (To MILES): Sir! I ...
MILES (To SOLDIERS): Gag him!
(SOLDIER grabs PSEUDOLUS from behind, clamps hand over his mouth)
And now I rid Rome of a rascal!
(He pulls his sword back, and as he is about to send it into PSEUDOLUS at belly level, PSEUDOLUS whirls around, and the sword jabs SOLDIER in the rear. SOLDIER releases PSEUDOLUS, jumps away rubbing sore spot. MILES advances on PSEUDOLUS)
You ...
PSEUDOLUS: Sir!
(MILES stalks him, as PSEUDOLUS speaks glibly)
The girl must be near at hand. If you kill me you deprive yourself of seeing a face so fair, a heart so pure, a body so undulating ...
(MILES lowers his sword. PSEUDOLUS, sensing success, presses on)
She is magnificence personified! If you had been born a woman, you would have been she!
MILES: As magnificent as that?
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, sir. Spare me! I am sure she can be found.
MILES: You are?
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, sir. I shall give you a list of ten or twenty places you might look for her.
MILES: You shall look for her!
PSEUDOLUS: Me? With this bad leg?
(Limps horribly. MILES grabs him)
MILES: With that bad leg!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, it will do it good. And where may I deliver the girl? I mean, where will you be?
MILES (Points to SENEX’s house): Waiting here in your house.
HYSTERIUM: No!
MILES: No?!
HYSTERIUM: I meant “yes,” it just came out “no.”
MILES (To PSEUDOLUS): And to assure your return . . . Men! You are to go with him.
PSEUDOLUS: Sir, before I go, a word with my eunuch.
MILES: Be brief.
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, sir. Come here, eunuch.
(Pulls HYSTERIUM aside)
Hysterium, this is what you must do. Hide the girl, up on the roof.
HYSTERIUM: Why?
(They are both stumped, then PSEUDOLUS has the answer . . .)
PSEUDOLUS: Why not? Go.
MILES (To SOLDIERS): He is not to stray from your sight.
(HYSTERIUM exists into SENEX’s house)
PSEUDOLUS (To MILES): My eunuch is making sure the house is fit to receive so illustrious a visitor.
MILES: I have been put off enough for one day!
(Turns to enter house, stops, as ERRONIUS enters)
ERRONIUS: The second time around!
(Exits, all watch him)
MILES: Lycus!
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, sir!
(Calls)
Ready?
HYSTERIUM (From inside SENEX’s house): Ready!
PSEUDOLUS: All is ready, sir. There is food and drink within. And the girls will sing and dance for you.
(COURTESANS exit into SENEX’s house)
MILES: You have but one hour. Men, you are to hound his every step.
(Exits into SENEX’s house. PSEUDOLUS circles stage, followed by SOLDIERS, they exit. SENEX appears in window of ERRONIUS’s house)
SENEX: Hysterium!
(HYSTERIUM re-enters)
HYSTERIUM: Yes, sir!
SENEX: Tell the little maid I am almost ready.
HYSTERIUM: Sir, I must say this to you. Abandon this mad adventure!
Think of your wife on the way to the country!
SENEX: That, Hysterium, is the country’s problem.
HYSTERIUM: Yes, sir.
SENEX: Hysterium, one thing more. You know that potion you prepare that so fills one with passion, one can almost perform miracles?
HYSTERIUM: Yes, sir. We have some left over from your last anniversary.
SENEX: Bring it to me now, slave-in-chief.
(Exits into house)
HYSTERIUM: Slave-in-chief! I wonder how many slaves-in-chief have a master in the tub, a house full of courtesans, and a virgin on the roof.
(Exits into SENEX’s house, as PSEUDOLUS enters, closely followed by SOLDIERS. He does several intricate maneuvers which the SOLDIERS carefully follow. The maneuvers become more elaborate. PANACEA enters from SENEX’s house, and SOLDIERS follow her off)
PSEUDOLUS (To audience): Just one hour. Pretending she was dead was the perfect plan. If only Philia had taken one sip . . . It still is the perfect plan, if I can only find a body. A body.
(An inspiration)
Gusto! Gusto, the bodysnatcher! He owes me a favor!
(He runs off, not seeing DOMINA, who enters, addresses audience)
DOMINA: Since sending my husband back to Rome, I have been haunted by the premonition that he is up to something low.
(Calls)
Hysterium!
HYSTERIUM (Entering from SENEX’s house with cup): Coming master . . . mistress! You’re home!
DOMINA: And parched with thirst, ever-thoughtful Hysterium.
(Reaches for cup, he pulls it away)
HYSTERIUM: No! It’s a potion!
DOMINA: What sort of potion?
HYSTERIUM: To make you thirsty. And you’re already thirsty, so you don’t need it.
(Puts cup near ERRONIUS’s house)
DOMINA: Thirst is the lesser of my problems. Hysterium, on the best of intuition, I believe my husband is fouling the nest.
HYSTERIUM (Looking nervously at ERRONIOUS’s house): No! Never!
DOMINA: Never? Old friend and confidant, you are talking to a woman who faces facts.
(Sings)
For over thirty years,
I’ve cried myself to sleep,
Assailed by doubts and fears
So great the gods themselves would weep!
The moment I am gone,
I wonder where he’ll go.
In all your simple honesty,
You can’t begin to know . . .
Ohhhh ...
(Wailing tenderly)
I want him,
I need him,
Where is he?
(Furiously)
That dirty old man is here somewhere,
Cavorting with someone young and fair,
Disporting in every shameless whim,
Just wait till I get my hands on him!
(Tenderly)
I’ll hold him,
Enfold him,
Where is he?
(Furiously)
That dirty old man, where can he be?
Profaning our vows for all to see,
Complaining how he’s misunderstood,
Abusing me (if he only would!)
Oh, love,
Sweet love,
Why hide?
You vermin, you worm, you villain!
Come face,
Embrace
Your bride!
Wherever he is, I know he’s still an
Angel,
My angel!
Where is he,
That dirty old man divine?
I love him,
I love him,
That lecherous, lewd, lascivious,
Loathsome, lying, lazy,
Dirty old man of mine!
MILES (From inside SENES’s house): Why?
DOMINA: Ah, I hear him now!
MILES: Why must I always be surrounded by fawning admirers?
DOMINA: That is not my husband’s voice. Tell me, who is in my house?
HYSTERIUM: I think it’s a captain.
DOMINA: A captain?
HYSTERIUM: Yes . . . he thinks that . . . your house . . . is the . . . I hope you do not object to my offering him your hospitality.
DOMINA: Object? When I, myself, am the daughter of a Roman general? Hysterium, I must meet him.
HYSTERIUM: You wouldn’t like him. He’s very vulgar.
DOMINA: All soldiers are, in a grand sort of way.
(MILES appears in doorway)
MILES: ... interminable!
(Shouts at HYSTERIUM)
Bring more food and drink, eunuch!
HYSTERIUM (To DOMINA): You see?
DOMINA: Captain, I was just coming inside to give you a proper welcome.
(HYSTERIUM winces)
MILES (Thinking she is one of LYCUS’s girls): You are of this house?
DOMINA: For years and years. You know, Captain, my father was General Magnus.
(MILES reacts)
On the last anniversary of his death, I entertained over two hundred officers.
MILES: Two hundred? By yourself?
DOMINA: Of course not. Hysterium here was a big help.
(HYSTERIUM smiles proudly, then reacts painfully)
But now my business takes me to the Forum, but I shall return. And for the length of your stay I shall bend over backwards to please you.
MILES (Horrified): That will not be necessary!
(Exits into SENEX’s house)
DOMINA: I do wish I could chat on with him, but I must find out why my husband was so anxious to return to Rome. Hysterium, when next we meet I shall be in some form of disguise. If you recognize me, not a word.
(Waving to MILES, who appears in door of house)
Until later, Captain.
(MILES moans, exits into house. DOMINA starts off, as PSEUDOLUS enters, sees her, starts polishing pillar)
Ah, Pseudolus, busy as ever.
PSEUDOLUS: Yes, madam.
(She exits. PSEUDOLUS rushes to HYSTERIUM)
She’s back!
HYSTERIUM: Yes!
PSEUDOLUS: What has happened?
HYSTERIUM: What hasn’t happened?
PSEUDOLUS: All right, what hasn’t happened? She hasn’t found out anything, has she?
HYSTERIUM: No!
PSEUDOLUS: Good!
HYSTERIUM: But she will, and she’ll kill me!
PSEUDOLUS: No, she won’t!
HYSTERIUM: No, she won’t. I’ll kill myself! I can do it painlessly. If she does it, it will hurt. I must do it. I have besmirched the honor of my family. My father will turn in his grave.
PSEUDOLUS: Your father is alive.
HYSTERIUM: This will kill him!
PSEUDOLUS: Are you finished? Now, listen to this. I have really shocking news.
HYSTERIUM: What?
PSEUDOLUS: You know Gusto, the bodysnatcher?
(HYSTERIUM nods)
He died this morning.
HYSTERIUM: No! I saw him only yesterday. When is he to be buried?
PSEUDOLUS: They don’t know. Someone snatched the body.
HYSTERIUM: Isn’t that a sha — ?
(Does a take)
Why are we crying over a dead bodysnatcher?!
PSEUDOLUS: Because he could have helped us. He could have lent us a body.
(Puts his hand on HYSTERIUM’s shoulder)
HYSTERIUM: A body?
PSEUDOLUS: A body.
(A gleam comes into his eye, starts running his hand over HYSTERIUM’s shoulder and chest)
A body. Hysterium, would you like everything to be the way it was when you woke up this morning?
HYSTERIUM: In a minute!
PSEUDOLUS: That’s all it will take. Come!
(Pulls HYSTERIUM to LYCUS’s house)
HYSTERIUM: In here?
PSEUDOLUS: In here!
HYSTERIUM: Where did you get the money?
(PSEUDOLUS pulls HYSTERIUM into LYCUS’s house. SENEX enters from ERRONIUS’s house, inhales deeply)
&nb
sp; SENEX: Mmmmmmm.
(To audience)
Something smells divine, and it’s me. I just took the most luxurious bath. The oil, the essences. Oh, spectators, I would love to pass among you so that each and every one might get a good whiff.
(Calls)
Philia!
(To himself)
Mustn’t shout. I have to save every bit of energy.
(Gently)
Philia.
(PHILIA appears on roof of SENEX’s house)
PHILIA: Yes, master? Master?
SENEX (Looks around for her, then sees her on roof): Ah, my dear. No need to dust up there. Come to me.
PHILIA: I am yours.
SENEX: Yes, my dear. But not on the roof. Join me in this house.
PHILIA: Yes, sir.
(SENEX exits into ERRONIUS’s house. As PHILIA disappears from roof, MILES appears on balcony of SENEX’s house)
MILES: Oh, where is he? If he does not bring me my bride he shall see me at the height of my wrath.
(Looks down, gets dizzy, emits a tiny scream, and staggers back into house. PHILIA enters from SENEX’s house, as HERO runs on)
HERO: Philia!
PHILIA: In time to say farewell.
HERO: Did not Pseudolus give you a beaker of wine?
PHILIA: My religion forbids the drinking of wine.
HERO: Oh, no!
PHILIA: Oh, yes.
HERO: Oh, Philia.
PHILIA: The captain. I must go to him.