Garbage Delight

by Dennis Lee

  But it isn’t him at all, it’s a Fat Ferocious Fighting-Freak –

  Then Bigfoot’s like a Terror!

  Bigfoot’s like a Tiger!

  Bigfoot’s like a Jetplane with a Stinger

  in its

  Tail!

  Bigfoot isn’t Pretty, not unless you like the look of him.

  Bigfoot isn’t Clever, he can barely chew his gum.

  But Bigfoot’s always There, when there’s Rotten kinds of Dangerous,

  And Bigfoot’s like a Terror!

  Bigfoot’s like a Tiger!

  Bigfoot always saves me, so he’s Num

  ber

  One!

  Smelly Fred

  A sort of beetle-bug is crawling

  Up my running shoe;

  His name is Smelly-Belly Fred

  But Smelly Fred will do.

  And if he crawls across my shoe

  And starts to climb my sock,

  I’m going to change his name, and call him

  Freddie-On-A-Walk,

  ’Cause with a name like that he’ll want

  To climb on legs instead;

  And then he’ll climb up mine, and he’ll be

  Skinny Winning Fred.

  And Skinny Winning Fred will likely

  Want to try my shorts,

  And there his name will change again

  To Freddo, King of Sports,

  So then he’ll get excited, and he’ll

  Scamper up my top,

  And we’ll both shake hands, and cheer for grand

  Sir Frederick-Never-Stop!

  And then there’s only one thing left

  Before he’s SUPER-FRED:

  He has to crawl across my chin

  And balance on my head –

  And when he does, I’ve got an extra

  Special thing to do! …

  Darn it! Smelly Fred just tripped

  And tumbled off my shoe.

  Goofy Song

  Well I’m going down the road

  And I look like a toad

  And I feel like Plasticine,

  And the dust between my toes

  Is like a tickle in my nose,

  But the puddles make them feel real clean –

  Hey!

  And the hammer with the stammer

  Is a dentist in disguise,

  And the flyer on the wire

  Is a wren.

  And the pizza that I’ll eat’s a

  Little skimpy on the meat, so

  I shall have to lay an egg

  Or eat a hen –

  Yo!

  Now I’m going down the road

  And I’ll turn into a toad

  And I’ll play with Plasticine.

  And I don’t know where I’m going

  But I hope it isn’t snowing

  ’Cause my underwear is showing

  And the snow would start it growing

  And my buddy’s sure to throw it

  On my bean –

  Ee-yow!

  Bike-Twister

  Place a foot upon a pedal,

  Put your pedal-pushers on;

  To the pedal pin a paddle,

  Paddle-pedal push upon.

  Place the paddle-pedal-cycle

  On a puddle in the park;

  Paddle addled through the puddle,

  Pump the pedal till it’s dark.

  On the puddle-pedal-paddler

  Place a poodle with a pail:

  Let the addled paddle-pedaller’s

  Puddle-poodle bail.

  The Big Blue Frog and the Dirty Flannel Dog

  Then the big

  blue

  frog

  And the dirty flannel dog

  Said, “It’s time to go to sea

  On the good ship Hollow Log.”

  First they sailed to Saskatoon,

  Where they stole the harvest moon

  And they strung it as a headlight on the log.

  Then they hitched

  their

  pants

  And they sailed away for France,

  Roaring, “Pour a pint o’ grog!”

  As the waves began to dance.

  But the North Wind with its spray

  Blew them miles and miles away,

  And it smothered up the moon in mist and fog.

  As they lay

  upon

  the beach

  Sadly panting, each to each,

  Deep-sea creatures came to sing

  In a wet enchanted ring.

  And they lit the moon again

  And they leaped with might and main

  And they hung it in the heavens, glittering.

  Then the moon

  shone

  bright

  All the warm and blessèd night,

  And they tore across the sand

  Jigging high in pure delight.

  And across the skipping sea

  The silver light came washing free,

  And they bowed three times to that majestic sight.

  Then the frog

  said,

  “Friend,

  Shall we sail on to the end,

  Sail forever, straight ahead,

  Far as light and sea extend?”

  But the dog said, “No,

  Much obliged – I don’t think so.”

  So they turned around,

  and paddled home to bed.

  I Eat Kids Yum Yum!

  A child went out one day.

  She only went to play.

  A mighty monster came along

  And sang its mighty monster song:

  “I EAT KIDS YUM YUM!

  I STUFF THEM DOWN MY TUM.

  I ONLY LEAVE THE TEETH AND CLOTHES.

  (I SPECIALLY LIKE THE TOES.)”

  The child was not amused.

  She stood there and refused.

  Then with a skip and a little twirl

  She sang the song of a hungry girl:

  “I EAT MONSTERS BURP!

  THEY MAKE ME SQUEAL AND SLURP.

  IT’S TIME TO CHOMP AND TAKE A CHEW –

  AND WHAT I’LL CHEW IS YOU!”

  The monster ran like that!

  It didn’t stop to chat.

  (The child went skipping home again

  And ate her brother’s model train.)

  Garbage Delight

  Now, I’m not the one

  To say No to a bun,

  And I always can manage some jelly;

  If somebody gurgles,

  “Please eat my hamburgles,”

  I try to make room in my belly.

  I seem, if they scream,

  Not to gag on ice-cream,

  And with fudge I can choke down my fright;

  But none is enticing

  Or even worth slicing,

  Compared with Garbage Delight.

  With a nip and a nibble

  A drip and a dribble

  A dollop, a walloping bite:

  If you want to see grins

  All the way to my shins,

  Then give me some Garbage Delight!

  I’m handy with candy.

  I star with a bar.

  And I’m known for my butterscotch burp;

  I can stare in the eyes

  Of a Toffee Surprise

  And polish it off with one slurp.

  My lick is the longest,

  My chomp is the champ

  And everyone envies my bite;

  But my talents were wasted

  Until I had tasted

  The wonders of Garbage Delight.

  With a nip and a nibble

  A drip and a dribble

  A dollop, a walloping bite:

  If you want to see grins

  All the way to my shins

  Then give me some Garbage Delight,

  Right now!

  Please pass me the Garbage Delight.

  The Snuggle Bunny

  The snuggle bunny

  Likes to scrunch

&
nbsp; His body up

  In a funny bunch

  And wind his teddies

  And his bears

  Around and round

  By their soft brown hairs,

  And then he burrows

  Like a mole

  Inside the nearest

  Snuggle hole

  And he snoozles up

  And he snozzles in,

  And he goes to sleep

  In his snuggle-down skin.

  So if you stumble

  Unawares

  On a jumbly clutter

  Of teddy bears,

  Unzip the top

  And sort and stir

  Through soft brown layers

  Of warm brown fur

  And underneath,

  With a faraway roar,

  You’ll hear a snuggled

  Bunny snore.

  “What Will You Be?”

  They never stop asking me,

  “What will you be? –

  A doctor, a dancer,

  A diver at sea?”

  They never stop bugging me:

  “What will you be?”

  As if they expect me to

  Stop being me.

  When I grow up I’m going to be a Sneeze,

  And sprinkle Germs on all my Enemies.

  When I grow up I’m going to be a Toad,

  And dump on Silly Questions in the road.

  When I grow up, I’m going to be a Child.

  I’ll Play the whole darn day and drive them Wild.

  The Operation

  When you walk inside the kitchen

  Very kindly do not shout:

  Poor old Hannah’s getting mended

  ’Cause her stuffing all came out.

  There’s a special dish of ice-cream

  And it’s white and brown and red,

  And there’s cookies if we’re quiet,

  ’Cause we think it hurts her head.

  And we never bash old Hannah

  On the floor, except today,

  And my Mom has found her needle

  And she thinks she’ll be OK;

  And old Hannah’s pretty brave, she’s

  Trying not to cry or scream,

  And I’m sorry that I done it

  And I’m having red ice-cream.

  When you see the operation

  If you tiptoe you can watch,

  ’Cause her head is feeling better

  But she’ll always have a blotch.

  And be quiet when you look, and

  Very kindly mind her snout:

  My old Hannah’s pretty sick, because

  I pulled her stuffing out.

  Well, I said I’m awful sorry

  And it wasn’t nice to do,

  And it might have been on accident

  Except that isn’t true,

  So I hope that she’ll be friends again

  And let me play with her,

  ’Cause she’s special to my mind, and now

  I’m going to comb her fur.

  The Fly-Nest

  I’ve got a sort of tying thing

  For when I have to tie,

  And a box to be a fly-nest

  Cause I’m going to catch a fly.

  But I don’t exactly get it –

  How you get the fly inside:

  Do you open up the lid a bit

  And just go off and hide?

  ’Cause a fly could come along, see,

  And he’s looking for a nest,

  But he doesn’t understand, a box

  Is what a fly likes best.

  So he marches up and tells me

  That a box was in the way,

  And he rather liked the colour

  But he doesn’t care to stay.

  And suppose a bigger aminal

  Is walking with his kid,

  And he spies a cozy fly-nest

  With a comfy sort of lid,

  And they crawl inside, and then the nest

  Is full up to the brim –

  And then the fly comes back, except

  There isn’t room for him!

  So I’ve got to get my tying stuff

  All ready for the plan:

  I tell the fly to hurry

  Quick as anybody can,

  And before those aminals go in

  We catch them round the chest,

  And I keep them in my bedroom,

  And the fly can have his nest.

  The Tiniest Man in the Washing Machine

  The tiniest man

  I’ve ever seen

  Sleeps deep in a heap

  In a washing machine.

  At eight each night

  He goes downstairs

  And he yawns and puts on

  The pyjamas he wears;

  Then taking a bottle

  From out of the sink,

  He fixes a mixture

  That’s fizzy and pink,

  And checking to see

  That there’s no one around,

  He hops in the top

  With a chugalug sound.

  The buttons click,

  The washer thuds,

  And he wiggles and jiggles

  In strawberry suds!

  And around and around

  He topples and flops,

  A prince in a rinse

  Till the cycle stops.

  The foam is a pillow.

  The pillow is deep.

  He dreams of ice-cream

  In a strawberry sleep

  Till the morning comes up

  And the sun comes up higher –

  And he pops through the top,

  Straight into the dryer,

  And after he’s shaken

  The very last sud,

  He roars out the door

  And he rolls in the mud.

  Beat Me and Bite Me

  Beat me and bite me

  And teach me to bark,

  I looked in the water

  And there saw the shark.

  I looked in the shark,

  And it showed me its jaws.

  And that is the reason

  I’m not, though I was.

  Periwinkle Pizza

  If you want to see a breakfast

  Getting gobbled up and gone,

  Give me periwinkle pizza

  In the parlour in Saint John.

  If you want to see a luncheon

  Getting munched in seconds flat,

  Give me periwinkle pizza

  On a plate in Shediac.

  If you want to see a supper

  Getting shovelled into me,

  Give me periwinkle pizza

  In St. Andrews-by-the-Sea.

  The Tickle Tiger

  The tickle tiger

  Has a tail

  Which she can flip

  And flick and flail

  And tie into

  A figure 6

  And swish, to snuff out

  Candle wicks,

  And hang from with

  The greatest ease,

  And use to tickle

  Enemies.

  And if a person

  Plays a game,

  Like calling her

  A rotten name,

  Or roaring when

  She’s not awake,

  Or sitting on her

  By mistake,

  She doesn’t care

  To go about

  And bop the person

  On the snout,

  Or squish him with

  A red toboggan,

  Or plant a pine tree

  On his noggin –

  Instead she flicks

  Her tickle tail

  Around and around

  Like a frisky whale

  And with a whisk

  And a fidgety blink,

  She leaves the person

  Tickled pink.

  One day, a man

  Came by to steal

  The tickle tiger

  For a meal;

  He thought he’
d have her

  For dessert,

  With mustard (a dab),

  And ketchup (a squirt).

  He set the table

  Neat and straight –

  One knife, one fork,

  One spoon and plate –

  And then invited

  Her to dinner,

  Enquiring first

  If he could skin her.

  The tickle tiger

  Didn’t pause:

  She stood up straight

  On her strong rear paws

  And sharpened the tips

  Of her sharp sharp claws

  And opened the jut

  Of her giant jaws

  And then her tail

  Began to whirl

  And swizzle and quiver

  And tingle and twirl –

  And then, with no more

  Half-and-halfing,

  She tickled his toes:

  The man died laughing.

  The Pair of Pants

  Johnny came from England

  Jackie came from France

  They went to see a wise man

  About a pair of pants.

  One said, “They’re too long.”

  One said, “They’re too little.”

  The wise man took the pair of pants

  And ripped them up the middle.

  Now each has got a pant-leg.

  Each is freezing, too.

  And yet it seemed the only thing

  That anyone could do.

  One Sunny Summer’s Day

  A Jersey cow exploded,

  One sunny summer’s day.

  The farmer was in Flin Flon,

  Combing his toupee.

  The farmer’s wife was farming,

  She didn’t hear a thing.

  (A motorist was injured

  And had to wear a sling.)

  The Big Molice Pan and the Bertie Dumb

  Once a big molice pan

  Met a Bertie Dumb,

  Sitting on a wide sock

  Booing gubble chum.

  “Hey,” said the molice pan,

  “Gum and simmy come.”

  “Sot your rotten kicking pox!”

  Cried the Bertie Dumb.

  Then the big molice pan

  Rank Jamaica drum,

  Wide at dunce, but grows with runts.

  (Kate to strinkum. DUM.)

  Bloody Bill

  You say you want to fight me?

  But you think I’d rather not?

  Then listen to the story

  Of another guy I fought,

  And maybe you’ll appreciate –

  I don’t like blood and dirt