Deliverance

by Kirsten Bij't Vuur

  Edward did not reply, though he seemed affected. Instead he addressed me.

  'Do you feel the same, Jane?'

  There was just one possible answer for me, Miller was right, I would not feel truly married until we had shared that which I had not been prepared to give the man I then called master.

  Dinner was a feast, and to me a moment of triumph. I remembered those days when the room had been filled with noble guests, and I had felt excluded. Not from the guests, actually, just from my dear master. And now Edward was mine. The next time he'd meet those people, if he'd ever seek them out again, I would be on his side as the lady of the house, the people who had looked down on me would be our guests.

  We sat and talked, and ate, and drank a little wine, until Edward admitted he wasn't comfortable anymore, after which we retired straight to the bed.

  Slowly I started to lose my tension, though a certain excitement remained, grew actually. I stroked my dear Edward's cheek, and his very short black hair, and started on his buttons, eager to touch his bared chest again, and yes, also looking forward to seeing his passion unleashed. For I didn't think he could ever hurt me, or treat me without consideration.

  And this time he caressed me right back, just with his right hand, but still it caused me to shiver with anticipation. I would let him take the lead again this once, he'd done this before, he knew what was coming, I'd be his follower one more time.

  At least, that was what I thought, as he deftly unbound my hair with one hand, letting it fall over my shoulders. It was a very significant action, as if he released more than just my hair; this was the end of my years as plain, prim schoolma'am.

  For a few moments we just held each other, but I really wanted to touch his bare skin again; I relieved him of his shirt and embraced him tightly. It was so good, so intimate, but I did not get much time to relish the feeling of my beloved in my arms, he was loosening my buttons faster than I thought possible with one hand; soon the top of my dress fell away, and he said huskily, 'Will you remove your corset yourself, Jane? I think I'll have to practise a little before I can do it with just one hand.'

  Feeling a bit heated, I removed my corset, and now I felt bare, I did not have a little pelt of black hair, and Edward's eyes were intense. It did not last long, that feeling; I was taken in a close embrace, and I truly thought that feeling of skin against skin was the best thing that could happen to a girl, until my Edward asked, 'And now will you lie down for me? I should lift you and lay you down myself, but Miller would have my skin, and I have so little to spare.'

  I did lie down for him, I had primed myself to follow his directions tonight,

  and this wasn't even unreasonable.

  'I have to improvise, my love, I can't support myself with my other hand, I hope I'm not too heavy.'

  With this husky comment my Edward straddled me, and he was indeed heavy, though I was sure he was bearing most of his weight on his own legs.

  It was not uncomfortable, but rather intimate, and soon his right hand started to stroke me all over. His hand relished my soft white skin; of course it ended up on my breasts, which caused me a deep shudder, and a flash of excitement.

  I did my share of the stroking, too; I wanted him to kiss me, which he did, bending over me leaning on his one hand. But I could see his frustration growing, he was not free to act as he wished, his body restricted him, and he became rather angry.

  'Blast it, Jane, I just can't do it! I want to do this right for you, but I cannot!'

  I could still feel the touch of his hand on my breasts, I wanted him to do that again; he had turned away from me in anger, not directed against me, but nonetheless very ferocious for such an intimate moment.

  I did not give up, I kissed his angry face, stroked his shoulders and his arms, kissing them as well, smelling him with relish. I was not very disappointed at his sulkiness, I was actually rather glad to see he still had his temper, I loved his quick moods, and I had an idea of how to be close and not overtax his strength. So I straddled him, sat right on top of him, my weight was nothing to him, then took his right hand and laid it back where I wanted it, on my breast.

  This quieted his anger instantly, and I bent over him to kiss him and whisper,

  'I think we'll be fine, my love, we'll think of a way to make it work. Can I undress you further? I want to see what all the fuss is about.'

  'I'm sorry my love, you're right, there is always a way. Please do, Jane, I'll give myself up to you again, I've done it for almost two weeks now and I've never been happier in my life, despite agony and infirmity.'

  And so I did remove his trousers and underwear, and explored what made a man different from a woman. My touch caused him to react as intensely as I had ever seen him, I felt him shudder, his eyes shooting fire once more, one hand on my shoulder, the other trying not to clutch anything.

  'Beware Jane, you're making me wild! I'm only just holding on!'

  He did look ferocious, but frankly, I wanted him wild, I didn't think he'd hurt

  me in his ardour. Still, I had promised to follow his lead and I wanted to please him, so I stopped what I was doing for an instant.

  'Better come here, Jane, leave it for a moment. Will you take off the dress altogether?'

  I did, and my underwear, I could see Edward was still fighting himself and I wished he would just let it go. We were married, weren't we? This was our wedding-night, why keep such a tight hold on his urges?

  'What is the problem, my love? Why don't you just let go? Why fight it, dear Edward?'

  'I want you to enjoy it, too, but I can't do that with just one arm. Never mind, you're right, we'll find a way. Will you let me touch you very intimately?'

  Of course I would! And he stroked me as I just had stroked him, making me gasp with the strong feeling his caresses gave me. I could guess what was supposed to happen by now, and decided to just try to make it work. I wasn't afraid of his reaction at all and just straddled him again, sat right on top of him and felt the mixed sting and bliss of his entrance.

  To me, this felt totally right, but beneath me, my beloved went mad.

  He grabbed me with both hands and flipped me below him, covering me with his heavy torso. Air was pushed out of my lungs, and with abhorrence I could see Edward leaning on his left hand full force, the other gone from view. His face was beyond reason, he had truly lost it, and now something wild was in control, something I'd seen a hint of that night when he pleaded me to become one, become his mistress.

  But none of that worried me, not even his hot breath in my neck as he bit my throat lightly, and possessed me forcefully, silent as he had been the whole first week after the fire, and as wild-eyed.

  I dare admit I was out of my senses with joy, his rages had never frightened me, I loved this wild beast, and what he did was blissful, he held himself up on both hands now, covering my body with his but no longer squeezing the air out of me with his weight.

  Both his hands! Just before I was totally overcome with delight, feeling his raw power all about me and inside me, I realised he was damaging his left hand; I had to stop him to save it, he could end up a cripple if I didn't. I did not want to do it at all, to me it still felt totally right, but my Edward was my all, and he needed two good hands.

  'Edward, stop it! You're hurting your hand, stop!'

  I slapped his good cheek, and finally got a reaction; he really had been out of it, and registered the result with abhorrence.

  'No! My love, my Jane, what have I done? I knew this would happen, my innocent little dove, ravaged!'

  He threw himself on the bed and curled up, beyond control once again, but not endangering his hand or any other healing burn, so I could take my time to calm him down.

  'Edward, my love, are you all right? I'm fine, love, you did nothing to me, it was good. I was just worried for your hand. Won't you talk to me?'

  I embraced him until he pulled me against him, with just the one hand fortunately, and together we snuggled until I just couldn
't stand that heated feeling anymore, I had to have him continue, wild or not.

  'Can't you do it like this? No need for an extra hand if we're both lying down, is there?'

  'You want me to continue after I lost it? Why? Weren't you afraid? Hurt?'

  'I love your wild side, Edward, I've missed him. But I couldn't let him ruin your hand in his frenzy, you need it to ride your horse.'

  'And to do this right. If you're not afraid of my losing it, I'll make an effort at this very moment. Don't worry about the hand, it feels fine.'

  And then he sat beside the bed and did something to me with his hand and mouth that made me shudder with bliss and release. Then he returned to the bed and bade me to straddle him again, and he gave me the ride of my life, until the world started to spin and I had to hold on to his good shoulder to not fall off.

  He went wild, but not out of control. Finally he shuddered, groaned and opened his arms to me, and I laid down on his heaving chest and felt drained but very glad. Now we were truly man and wife.

  We sat back against the bed, and by the light of a candle I removed the bandage and checked his left hand. It was still fine, he had told me it was, but I wanted to be sure.

  We talked about what happened, he said men built up much more fervour than women; he'd be less wild now he'd had his first release in months. I was rather sorry, which he spotted and laughed about.

  'I'm very relieved to find you're not angry or hurt, dear Jane. And I'm actually very proud you managed to snap me out of that state, no-one ever managed to do so before.'

  'I didn't want to, I was overcome with bliss. But you need your hand.'

  'And I will have it, my love. I feel great, light. We're finally allowed to be together, we were meant to be together, which our souls knew from the moment we met, and now everyone has to acknowledge it.

  I'm glad I'm in a much better shape than I thought, love, but Miller was right, my real task is just beginning. Our real task, for I know you will help me with it as you have with everything. I am very afraid to have people stare at me, Jane, I would indeed pfer to just stay here in this room, in this house, with you.'

  'You heard us talk?'

  'I did. I did not want to embarrass the both of you so I ptended to sleep, but I heard everything. I really like Miller, he is indeed more than a nurse, he knows people. To think that people would hate him for his treatments, and he forgives them for it. I admire him. I'm ashamed I raged at him at first, but I'm certain he has forgiven me, too.'

  'He is a better person than either of us, Edward, it was your fortune to have him care for you.

  We'll get you used to the servants first, and then we'll take little outings. And it will get better, Edward, the scar's all red now, but it will fade, and having your hair grow back to its usual thickness will make you feel better, too.'

  At the end of that week, Miller did indeed leave, though Edward made an appointment to see him the next week for a checkup; since Miller did not have a carriage or a horse we decided it was best to go see him, and visit a coffee-shop or store afterwards to get used to society again. Edward did scar, but with my daily massages the tissue did not cause him pain, not even the hand; it just marred his appearance, which was bad enough for my beloved.

  We stayed at Thornfield until the next summer, riding, reading, talking endlessly, and yes, exploring love in all its forms. Adele went to school, and Sophie found a place with a more fashionable family.

  I met my cousins in London and found them friendly, educated ladies, and with just a little insistence I managed to hand them their share of uncle John's legacy. Before I got the chance to meet my other cousin, he had taken ship to the colonies, to work as a missionary.

  When summer did come, we took ship ourselves and travelled all across the continent. I learned German for real, and exercised my fluency in French.

  Edward got used to people's looks, and so did I, for we visited theatres,

  sights, parks and famous opera-houses all over Italy, France, we even got as far as Spain.

  After a year and a half of travel we suddenly tired of seeing new places, and we returned to Thornfield within a month or two, in time for us to get settled before our first child would be born.

  We had a brand-new nursery made across the hall in the wing that had been burned; it had been rebuilt with cast iron and glass instead of with brick and mortar alone, a novelty in the entire county and something Edward was very proud of.

  'People wonder why I didn't try to obliterate every sign of the fire, but I'll bear the scars the rest of my life, and I'm relishing every day in exquisite happiness due to the events of that night. I will celebrate the renewal of my ancestral home, and of my happiness, by remembering the fire every time I enter our bedroom.'

  Chapter 6

  A lot of neighbours must have been scandalised when I didn't just have a midwife to guide me through my first labour, but insisted on having Miller fetched, now established as a doctor and Mr Carter's partner. I had total faith in him, and he was the only one able to soothe Edward's fears over me.

  Though our marriage had given my beloved peace of mind, his nature was still as untamed as it had always been; besides Miller's medical expertise, I trusted his influence on my husband. If something were to go wrong, he would be the only one able to control Edward's rage.

  But nothing did go wrong, and after the usual nine or ten hours of hard work we were the parents of a beautiful black-eyed son with a mop of black hair.

  The midwife left and Miller stayed, to take care of mother and child. Edward and I had decided we would not have a wet-nurse come between us, unless we truly needed one. Miller would show us how to care for the little mite, and keep the dreaded fever away from me. Until he got called away to some life-and-death situation, for he was not on the lookout for a comfortable situation, he wanted to make a difference in people's lives, as he had in dear Edward's.

  He did recommend a nanny, a very young girl from town that he had nursed back to health from a bad accident months earlier. She had been working night-shifts in a weaving mill, when one of the machines had seized her and mangled her quite badly. Miller had been hired by the owner of the mill to save what could be saved, and he had managed to preserve the girl's life and most of her mobility, but she was terribly scarred and no longer strong or brave enough to work in manufacturing.

  Thinking we would be able to understand the girl's fears and limitations, Miller pleaded her case, and we immediately agreed to have her on trial, my Edward wasn't the easiest master around and Thornfield was rather secluded; I did remember my own feeling of being stuck there, and this girl was used to the liveliness of a large town.

  As it turned out she actually needed the peace and quiet of the country, and the steady support of our elderly staff, to find back her inner strength. Miller helped her learn the duties of a nanny, and she discharged them admirably for someone so young, who was used to rough work with machines instead of being responsible for a frail newborn. When he did get called away a month after my delivery, Maria was ready to help us with everything, and our little

  boy felt just as safe with her as with us.

  Maria thrived, and our little Nicholas thrived as well. After a few months Edward and I resumed our rides, though at first it was really hard to leave my little baby, even for a few hours. But of course I got used to that, too, and when summer arrived full force we took our boy outside to lie on a blanket in the grass and watch the clouds chase each other.

  Then when John and his wife were due their retirement, Edward decided it was time to contact Miller again, who was glad to recommend a young man who had been spattered with molten iron, taking an eye and causing deep burns all over his face and chest.

  He also had a trial period, to see whether John could teach him how to run a stables and keep up a garden, which John did with his usual dour practicality.

  But young Patrick found sympathy with Maria, which of course had been the conspirators' intention. Maybe the you
ng people knew they had been set up, maybe they didn't, but the result was the same, new love bloomed in Thornfield hall, and the elderly staff got an infusion of young, strong people who were happy to find a safe place where they didn't feel ashamed of their blighted appearance.

  Now I suppose you're wondering whether all this peace and quiet settled Edward altogether, making him lose his wild streak? And whether we didn't get bored living such a quiet, retired life, when we had seen such wonders on our journey?

  Well, Edward did look a lot more quiet, but he was still wild at heart, a side of him I usually encountered during lovemaking. There was nothing to be seen on his outside to know when it would happen, but sometimes in our intimate times together he would overwhelm me and take charge totally, resulting in half an hour of total bliss. And other times he would be tender; he was still capable of harsh sarcasm, but his tender streak had magnified manifold and showed itself more often than not.

  A second child presented herself on a wintry morning, almost three years after Nicholas was born. This time we didn't even have the midwife, Miller had become such an respected practitioner that the very same lady called on him whenever a difficult labour occurred. He had eclipsed the worthy old lady in skills, but they were not needed since our daughter was delivered quickly and without incident. Maria fetched and carried for her saviour, who did stay for two days, then paid us a daily visit for two weeks. With his

  handsome curricle he had no trouble driving the six miles between Thornfield and Millcote every day.

  Little Helen was her father's child, very passionate, she fussed a lot and would throw a tantrum for no apparent reason at all, but her adoring father would cradle her in one of his strong arms and tell her, 'Good work, little one, let it all out. You know your mother is a passionate one, and so am I, so no-one is going to get one on you.'

  And then she'd look at him with his own black eyes and calm down. Maria thought it was magic, and she respectfully said so, but Edward merely laughed and rejoined, 'That it is not. Little Helen and I just understand each other. It's the mistress who knows the green men, she can sometimes tell your thoughts by just looking at you.'