by Cass Kim
“I hope so too.” He ran a hand through his hair, smothering another yawn.
The sun had finished setting as they were eating; the moon was just a sliver in the sky. As they walked, Renna’s foot caught on the edge of rock. She wheeled her arms widely trying to catch herself, but was unable to get back to equilibrium. Emerson reached out with cat-like speed just before she hit the dirt, steadying her gently.
“Here, stick with me.” He was so comfortingly warm as he tucked her into his side. “Sorry, I should have brought a glow stick from the mess hall or something. Sometimes I forget what it was like before.”
“You really can see in the dark, huh?”
“Yeah,” she could just make out the curve of a smile on his lips, “I really can.”
They walked in silence the rest of the way, with Emerson helping her find her way. Renna found the excessive heat he gave off soothing in the cooler night. The quiet sounds of creatures rustling in the forest still made her heart jump, but Emerson would tighten his hold on her just a little and she felt like she was safe. As safe as she could be, out here with no protection other than a teenage boy who’d once been a mindless Wilder. He’d spent what should have been his high school years holed up in the woods with a bunch of adult scientists that dreamed of saving the world. And somewhere deep inside, she was starting to dream of being a part of it too.
Chapter Ten
When they got to the cabin, Soo was inside, folding clothes. It seemed like such a normal, motherly thing to do, aside from the fact that she was doing it only by the light of the moon. As soon as she heard them enter, she lit a match and several candles, nodding hello to Renna and Emerson.
“Good news today, Renna. You’re not infected.” She said it with a small smile, and then a pointed look at Emerson who still had his hand resting on her lower back. He immediately dropped it to his side and stepped away from her.
“She should probably get a tent in the camp, then. You know, for her own safety. It doesn’t take much for accidental infection.” Emerson’s voice was as stiff as his shoulders.
Soo nodded slowly, “Yes, I do think that’s wise. Though, I think your father wants to speak to her before any decisions have been made about her future.”
Emerson’s voice was hard, “She’s not here for that shit, Mom.”
“Tone, Emerson.” Soo’s voice was soft, but steely.
He threw his hands up, wheeling around to say something further when Daniel walked out of the other room.
“Ah. Renna. Good, I have something to speak with you about.”
“Dad, I know what you’re going to ask, and you can’t. It’s not fair to her.” Emerson paced the small space, restless in his anger.
“I believe she has the right to hear me out.” Daniel turned and addressed her. “Renna, how do you feel about being an integral part of the research team?”
“Uh.. well, Mr. Kim, I don’t really know much about research.”
“Doctor. It’s Dr. Kim.” Renna saw Emerson shake his head in disgust behind his father. “And you don’t really have to know much. You just have to be brave. Please, have a seat.”
“I can’t listen to this shit. Renna, you don’t have to do anything. I’ll take you home. We’ll leave right now.”
“You will not!” Dr. Kim’s voice rang out like a whip, his eyes flashing in the candles as he glared over at Emerson. “You have no idea what you are talking about. You’ve been off being selfish and gallivanting who-knows-where. You have no idea where our research has taken us. If you can’t keep your mouth shut and be respectful, you can leave this room.”
Emerson looked ready to stand his ground staring steadily back at his father, but then his mother ran a hand along his shoulders, rubbing gently at the tension, and whispered something in his ear. He nodded briskly and stalked into his room.
Dr. Kim cleared his throat. “Now, Renna, please sit. I want to present you with an opportunity for a vaccine of sorts.”
She sat across from him. “I thought there were no vaccines for this virus.”
“There aren’t. That’s what we are doing out here. The virus reacts to electricity. Our bodies naturally have a small amount of electricity running through them for each movement and nerve synapse. Part of how this virus works is to build on those synapses, to increase them at an alarming rate, basically overloading the body’s systems. That is why we work out here. No outside electricity leads to a more stable virus. Are you understanding me thus far?”
Renna nodded, though she felt like she was taking biology for dummies, and getting only half the story.
“Of course, there are certainly other factors as well. For what we’re asking you to do, they’re not important. What you need to focus on, is that with the samples we’ve taken from your brother, we have been able to isolate the newest mutation of the virus. It’s adapting in many truly amazing ways.” Soo cleared her throat gently behind him, as if to keep him on track. “Yes, well. We believe we have a vaccine that, given time, will create a functional amount of immunity.”
“Okay,” she said slowly, not sure she understood. “You want to give me this vaccine that might or might not work?”
He nodded once. “Yes. That is more or less the premise. You see, I need an uninfected person with similar genetic material to your brother, as the virus had already begun bonding to his genetic coding when we got the sample. It’s even starting to express itself in his saliva and mucous membranes. It’s truly a living work of art.” He sounded almost reverent when he spoke of the virus. “Thus, you are the only option.”
“Can’t you just take my blood and use it?”
“If it were so simple, we would not be having this conversation. Your body needs to adapt at the very level of your T-cells being created within your bone marrow. Then, we will take a sample of your marrow and begin to distill the antigen.”
Renna rubbed her temples in a circular motion. “What if it doesn’t work?”
The doctor folded his hands, long fingers interlacing smoothly. “Then you will change. It is a weakened version of the live virus that we will be using. We will keep you as safe as we can until the virus regulates within your system.”
Emerson burst back out of his room, “Or you will die. Don’t forget that part of it, Dad. You could go crazy, be uncontainable, and kill others. Or you could just die from complications.”
“Emerson!” His mother hissed and made a shushing motion with her hand. “You don’t need to scare her.”
“She has a right to know.” His brows were furrowed, fury building again.
“Perhaps you need some fresh air, my son. You are becoming agitated.” Soo pointed to the door, her shoulders tense.
With a growl of frustration, Emerson slammed through the door to the cabin, his pounding footsteps echoing as he crossed the porch.
Renna swallowed hard. “I…I don’t know. I need to think.”
“Of course you do. I understand. You can let me know your decision tomorrow. I’m afraid we can’t wait too long. As I said, the virus has begun a mutation cycle. One my wife predicted years ago. Now that it is beginning to express itself in the mucous membranes, it will become as contagious as the common cold. I predict it will take less than eight hundred new hosts to reach that level. Time is of the essence.” And with that, Dr. Kim gathered his notebook and stepped out into the night.
Renna sat in silence for a while as Soo folded laundry on the table next to her. She turned the risks over in her head. Death. Changing into a Wilder. With no guarantees that there would be any true benefit.
As if sensing her thoughts, Soo spoke soothingly. “It is scary, I know. But the science is good. It is sound. I’ve looked it over again and again. We’ve had two other geneticist and four of the infectious disease specialists look it over. We all believe it will work.”
“Isn’t this. Isn’t this how you changed? Trying new science? Testing vaccines on yourselves?”
The woman nodded, her voice still gentle.
“Yes. We believe in the cause. That the greater good is above the self.”
Renna felt horror in the pit of her stomach, “You willingly infected your children?” No matter how angry her mother was, no matter how cold she seemed toward her, she knew she would never willing inject her with a live version of the virus. Not for any reason.
Sorrowfully, Soo responded, “As my husband said, there is a genetic component to this virus. There will be one, initially, to the cure. I… I am not sure we did the right thing. But I know in my heart that not trying at all would have been the wrong thing.”
After she had finished folding the laundry, she sat across from Renna in the chair her husband had vacated. “I want you to know that this one is different. When we took the virus, three years ago, the science was not as advanced as it is now. There have been many advancements.. We now have a stronger sedative, a better understanding of the ways in which the virus changes the body. I believe, truly, that if we had waited and done it now, we would still have Thomas with us. But,” she steepled her hands and rested her forehead on them for a moment, “if we hadn’t infected ourselves, we wouldn’t be where we are now with the trials.” She looked up, “It is a devil’s choice.”
Renna stared across the table at her, studying her face. All she could see when she looked at her was Emerson’s features, sullen and furrowed as he walked out the door. How different would he have been, with different parents? A normal boy, going to a normal high school. She could imagine him as the popular kid in his class, with his easy laughter. Would he have had friends like Syd, who were confident and fun? Or would he have been quiet, like her, living contentedly in his older sibling’s shadow?
How different would she have been, with a living father?
How different could the world be, if they made a cure?
She was startled out of her thoughts by Soo patting her hand lightly, then standing.
“I must go to the lab now. Think about how you could help your friends and family. This virus will worsen. That is the one guarantee I can give you.” She was out the door and beyond Renna’s sight within moments, moving with the speed of a Wilder. Renna walked out and stood on the porch, staring after her into the darkness. She’d never missed Alyssa more than this moment. She would have told those scientists off for even suggesting to Renna that it was her duty to do this. She rubbed her arms, glaring out into the night.
“I wouldn’t try to find your way home by yourself, if that’s what you’re thinking.” Emerson pushed away from the tree he was leaning on. “Not that I’d hold it against you for wanting to. If you want to leave, just say the word. I’ll get you home.” He was holding out an unsnapped glow stick.
“No I… I don’t know what I want.” She took the stick, snapping it and shaking the chemicals together.
“You can’t really want to take the risk of the injection.” The undercurrent in his voice was low and dangerous.
“I might,” Renna surprised herself with her answer. She’d spent so much of her life feeling scared and powerless. Maybe this was a way in which she could step up to that fear.
“I’m not sure you really understand what you’re risking.” She could just make out the outline of his fists, clenching and unclenching again at his sides again.
“Did you know, when you made the choice?” Her voice was small and quiet in the still night.
Emerson softened. “I don’t think I really made the choice. Mom and Dad were always going to do it, regardless of what Thomas and I wanted. And Thomas… Thomas was one hundred percent on board. I think even if he had known exactly how it was going to turn out, he’d make the same choice. Thomas was like that. Not scared of anything. And so in to science. I mean, I think he would’ve been even smarter than our parents, if he’d gotten to go to school like he planned.” He sat down on the top step of the porch, elbows resting on his knees and stared out into the night.
He paused for so long that Renna thought maybe he was done sharing. But then he laughed, a bitter sort of sad laugh. “But me? Nah, man. I don’t know. I was only fifteen. It seems like a lifetime ago. I don’t know if I would do it again. Maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe some part of me is cowardly enough that, knowing how it would hurt, knowing I’d lose my brother, I would say no. I wouldn’t blame you at all if you did say no.”
She lowered herself onto the step next to him, tucking the glow stick against the edge of the stairs so it was out of his direct line of sight. He looked so lost in that moment, she wanted to reach over and comfort him. She felt so lost herself that she wanted to seek her own comfort in the warmth radiating off of him.
But she didn’t lean into him. Instead, she asked softly, “What does it feel like? The change?”
He winced, then took a deep breath, as if fortifying himself. “It comes in stages. At first you think maybe the aches and twinges are just part of the medicine working. You get a little fever, but that’s normal sometimes, with live virus vaccines. I mean, that’s what they do, you know, make a smaller infection. About that time, they sedate you – just in case. Just in case it doesn’t work, they tell you. But what they really mean is, there’s a large chance it won’t work. ‘We’re experimenting on you, and we have to keep ourselves safe.’ So you fall asleep thinking that you’ll feel better when you wake up. At least I did. Maybe Thomas knew better. There’s a lot of things I’ll never get to ask him about.” His voice was soft, even sitting next to him she had to strain to hear.
“The next time you wake up, there is no doubt in your mind that you’re changing. Shit, you barely have a mind at that point. Everything feels like it’s on fire. Your skin is so hot you don’t know how you’re not covered in blisters. Your eyes ache and burn and I swear if I wasn’t restrained I would have torn them straight out of my skull. But the spasms. Those are the worst. It’s like your muscles are fighting against each other, each trying to go in opposite directions. My hands spasmed so badly that I actually broke two of my fingers.” He flexed his left hand, demonstrating how the last two fingers could no longer fully extend.
“Everything hurts so badly, you don’t know who you are anymore. All you want to do is make it stop. You want to destroy everything and anything. It’s like… like you’re filled with too much energy and if you don’t use it somehow your body will tear itself to pieces. I think that’s why they go crazy, the ones that aren’t restrained. The ones who get a live virus that hasn’t been manipulated by scientists. And that’s just the first wave. I don’t have words for the way the rest of the time feels. I don’t even know how much of what I remember is real, and how much is just the way my mind broke during that time. I just know that it felt like it came in waves, each one breaking harder against my will to live, against everything that makes me me. And then it receded. Slowly. It took a long time for the pain to fade to a tolerable level. It took a long time to feel even a little bit human again. Sometimes I still don’t.”
Renna had no words for this boy. There was nothing she could say that could take away the memories of that pain. Then to wake from that nightmare, to learn that your brother had escaped, had murdered people. Had died. How was there even a part of him that could still be kind?
“Surely there are some good things, now? Now that you’ve adjusted.” They were both carefully staring out into the night, avoiding meeting face to face.
“Now. it’s different. I feel different. I mean, there’s the cool stuff, like being able to see in near pitch black conditions. And it’s kind of amazing how fast I can run. But, I always feel like I’m on the very edge of that energy. Like, if I get too much, get too close to some other energy source, I’ll become that madman spasming on a table again. The electricity still hurts. Did you know silver and copper have the highest rate of conductivity? Even when they aren’t touching much of anything, it’s like the very energy of the air is just gathered there, waiting to burn me. Just being near the generators in camp makes my skin crawl.” He fisted his hands in his hair, head tipped toward his chest.
>
When he continued, his voice was muffled, soft, “It’s not like being an X-man in a comic. There isn’t a future in which I can do the things normal kids take for granted. That I took for granted. I can never use a cellphone again, or spend the afternoon playing playstation. I can’t eat at a restaurant. I can’t drive a car or go on dates. I still get in trouble for plenty of things, but I won’t be getting grounded for going out all night to a party.” Then softer, “I’ll never get married. Never have children.”
He stood suddenly, “Like I said, I don’t know if I would choose this again, if I could go back. You need to think about it really hard. There’s a lot to lose. Don’t let my dad pressure you.”
She nodded and picked up the glow stick, following him with her eyes as he faded back into the night. That last thing he’d said, about not getting grounded for going out to a party all night. How much of her life had he observed before they ever met?
Renna sat on the porch steps, playing out scenarios in her head until well after her butt had gone numb from the hard step. Then she laid back and stared up at the stars, wishing they held the answers. She’d always used pros and cons lists to make decisions. Should she date Jeremy – what were the pros and cons? Should she take AP English - what were the pros and cons? This felt too big for a pros and cons list, though she tried to weigh them nonetheless. She kept coming back to Soo’s words about the greater good being more important than oneself.
Eventually, she let her mind wander past the rational reasoning. She sat alone on the porch of a cabin in the woods, in full dark, and wondered what it would feel like to be the predator instead of the prey.
Chapter Eleven
“Okay, so, I got an immune boosting serum that we’ll dose you with first. It will basically jump start your functions and prep your body. It does some other complicated things to your metabolic rate too, but don’t worry about that.” Syd tapped the first vial as she spoke. “Then, we’ll wait for about half an hour and dose you with the vaccine.” She tapped the second bottle, her dark skin reflecting on the glass.