Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  She shoved away from the table, a watery smile on her face. I knew she was embarrassed.

  “Sure. Fine.” As she ran off, I grimaced, shoving Ralph.

  “Way to go, asshole,” I muttered, looking down at the last sheet in front of me. Ralph had written her name down. Rachel. Sorry, Rachel, I thought to myself.

  •••

  November ended and December came. I ran into a few girls Ralph had interviewed and all of them looked like they hated me. Even Rachel avoided me, regardless of my numerous attempts at talking to her and apologizing. I was feeling more and more like shit, despite becoming closer to Tracey than Dex had ever been. But even she couldn’t shake me out of my funk.

  “What’s going on with you?” Tracey asked me over our morning cup of coffee. It was a personal tradition of hers that I’d begun to participate in.

  “What do you mean?” I knew what she was asking. Why was I acting like a recluse? Why was every action tainted with disappointment? And most of all, why wasn’t I getting my memory back?

  “Why do you walk around with the world on your shoulders?” She surprised me.

  “I don’t know.” She knew I was lying. But to have told her would mean to tell her everything. I’d have to tell her about dying, the Angel of Death, and how I wasn’t really her nephew. Instead, I set the cup down and left for school where I was currently ambling through the halls after my final class.

  Another day down. No closer to the one I was dreaming about without actually knowing. It was both haunting and daunting. Both poignant and ridiculous. I was in love with a phantom, an idea.

  Every day that passed was a lost opportunity. I was no closer to finding her, and the Angel of Death didn’t have anything to say about it. Had he given up? Realized his mistake? I was deep in thought, my eyes on the ground, when I bumped into someone. Textbooks hit the ground, and I bit back the urge to react angrily.

  I looked up in defeat and met the most soulful eyes I had ever seen, which happened to belong to the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She looked at me like she wanted to punch me for bumping into her, but all I could do was stare as she bent to pick her books up from the ground. I should probably help her, I thought belatedly. Her hair was blue. Pastel blue, the hair closer to her scalp giving way to her dark brown roots. But it blended. It was perfect.

  She stood up with her books, and I noticed she wasn’t too much shorter than I was. She stood there, looking right at me. Like she knew she was who I’d been searching for, waiting for me to have her. Then she blinked and stepped aside.

  “Excuse me,” she said as she walked past me. Even filled with irritation, her voice did something to me, kicking me in head and creating a flameless fire within me.

  I can’t let her leave. Every part of me screamed to follow her. So I did.

  “Wait. Hey, wait up.” I walked toward her, calling out.

  She looked back in annoyance. “Are you going to apologize or….” Her denim-clad legs were long, and I couldn’t help but watch the sway of her hips as she continued to walk away, not waiting for my response.

  This was it. This was it.

  “I’m sorry,” I blurted out, trying to get her to stop. I didn’t want to touch her. If my accidently bumping into her had her rolling her eyes, I could only guess what grabbing her hand would get me.

  “It’s fine,” she said over her shoulder. She walked past people who didn’t spare her a second glance, as if they couldn’t see what I was seeing. It wasn’t until they realized that I was talking to her that they finally took notice. I didn’t understand it. She had a rare quality, a beauty that was quiet but bright enough to fill every dark corner of the room. Blue hair or not, she was a woman to be seen. And I was seeing her, loving every flicker of movement it took for me to take her in, focusing in and out like a camera lens.

  “Can I make it up to you?” I was desperate. Her steps slowed to a stop and she turned.

  “What?” Her eyes squinted and she didn’t bother fighting her grin as she cocked her head to the side, her hair sliding against her skin. I was a goner.

  “Uh, I didn’t mean to bump into you. I had a pretty terrible day, wasn’t looking where I was going. And judging by your reaction, you weren’t having the best day either. It couldn’t hurt to stop somewhere, get something to eat, and maybe turn our luck around?” I shrugged, running my hand over the stubble on my chin.

  The dimple on her right cheek deepened, and she held her books closer to her chest. Her teeth tugged on her lower lip as if trying to figure out if I was a serial killer. I held up my hands, trying to signify my innocence.

  “Yeah, sure. Make it up to me.” She started walking backwards. When she turned back around, I wondered if I should follow her again. So I did.

  “Wait—I don’t know your name…or how to get hold of you.”

  “The name’s Noa Cruz. N-O-A.” She tossed out a series of numbers and I fumbled with my pockets, pulling my phone out and entering them. By the time I looked up, she was gone.

  Noa. Not what I expected. But neither was she, with her blue hair and devil-may-care attitude.

  Ralph walked up beside me, putting his arm around my neck. “It’s about time, dude. I was worried you were batting for the other team.” He let me go as we fell in step together.

  “I don’t want to be like everyone else here. I mean, why should I waste my time with these relationships that’ll never last?” I squinted at Ralph, his head partially blocking out the bright winter sun.

  “Even if they don’t, it’s just high school, man. No one’s trying to get married.”

  I shook my head. “I get what you’re saying. But I’m not really into wasting my time.” I unlocked my car, tossed my backpack in the backseat, and settled into the driver’s seat. I tried to sound nonchalant, but my heart was beating overtime and my hands gripped the steering wheel for dear life. I needed something to hold on to. I was so elated that I would probably float away if I didn’t.

  Did it always feel like this? Was it always this clear when you met your match? I pondered the thought as I started the car. Yes, I had someone else on my side. Had he taken pity and brought her to me? Or had he simply given me the buzz that told me she was it? Most people looked for giant signs telling you when you found “the one” but it had only taken a glimpse into her eyes. They saw me. The person I was, not Dexter. The person I’d been in each life. Her eyes told a story of loves and lives past.

  And even if she didn’t know me, her eyes did.

  Ralph squeezed himself into the passenger side, and I chuckled when he looked over at me before pushing the seat back in annoyance.

  “Don’t get all lovey dovey on me, dude,” Ralph started. “You just met the girl. Don’t know anything about her. Hell, you don’t even know that she knows your name.” He rolled down the window and turned up the music, bobbing his head and mumbling along here and there.

  He wouldn’t understand. It was likely no one would, not even Noa. Because I had no plans to tell her anything about the Angel of Death. It was for the best.

  I’d finally found her. Scratch that. I couldn’t even say I found her. I’d crashed into her and when her eyes looked at mine, I felt a zap of familiarity, like we’d shared a million laughs together. Fuzzy memories of what she would be like flashed through my mind. Memories…of what she would be like. It didn’t make any sense.

  Chapter 9

  Ipaced around my room, forgetting the stiffness in my knee. My cell phone was in my hand, and my finger hovered over Noa’s number. It had only been an hour or so since I’d first seen her. Do I call her? Text her?

  I opted for texting, thinking I could send a quick, nonchalant message asking her to dinner.

  The quick text turned into fifteen minutes of me worrying about the tone of it and if she’d even respond to it. I switched words around; I talked to myself, all the while clutching my phone so I didn’t throw it against the wall. Finally, I sent something, anything. It was better than arguing wi
th myself all night.

  It’s Dex. Have you had dinner yet?

  I waited. I turned on the television. I stared at the ceiling. A few minutes later, my phone pinged with an incoming message.

  Nope. Waiting for you to make it up to me.

  I chuckled.

  Pick you up in an hour?

  A minute later.

  10 minutes. You took long enough.;)

  I smiled. I didn’t even know her and I liked her. There wasn’t much pretense, so far. I could imagine her typing whatever came to mind, unlike me. She asked me where we’d be eating and I sent her the name of the only restaurant I could remember, having been there with Tracey a few days ago. Five minutes later she sent me her address, and I headed downstairs.

  I found Tracey in the kitchen.

  “Going out?” she asked, typing on her laptop at the kitchen island.

  I hummed a response and sat down across from her. “I met someone.”

  She looked over the screen at me, lowering it when she saw I was serious.

  “Oh? What’s her name?”

  “Her name is Noa. I’m taking her to dinner. I should be back in a few hours, and I promise to stay out of trouble and respect her. I have my phone, it’s fully charged, and my car has a full tank of gas.”

  I stood and walked over to Tracey, patting the top of her head with a grin. She held onto my arm, running her hands over my skin soothingly. She was always worrying, always holding onto me like it might be the last time she saw me. The worry in her body made me sad, and it made her seem a lot older than she was.

  “Have fun, Dex. Bring her by sometime.”

  I chuckled. “First I have to make her take me seriously.”

  “If she’s smart, she’ll know a good thing when she sees it,” she said, smiling.

  I pulled my coat on, grabbed my keys and looked over at Tracey, who was staring off, daydreaming, with her hand running absentmindedly over her neck.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll drive carefully,” I said. She blinked and smiled before waving goodbye.

  I unlocked my car and settled myself inside, warming it up for a few minutes before entering Noa’s address in the GPS and backing out. Fifteen minutes later, I got out of the car and headed up toward the apartment building in front of me. I made it as far as the front steps when the door swung open and she stepped out. The light blue halo of her hair made her look like an angel. I hadn’t noticed the piercings down one ear until she tucked the strands behind it. She smiled and I smiled. I opened my mouth to greet her but she spoke first.

  “You’re one of those guys who thinks he should come up, huh?”

  Her question caught me off-guard.

  “Uh, I mean, shouldn’t I? It’s polite. Honking the horn isn’t what girls like…is it?” Great. Now I sound like I have no idea what I’m doing.

  She chuckled. “I don’t mind it too much. A text saying you’re outside will suffice, Dexter.”

  I led us to my car, where I asked her how she’d known my name. I didn’t remember telling her what my name was. Which was pretty stupid, considering I’d texted her as if she knew who I was.

  She smiled when I opened her door. “Everyone knows Dexter Andrews,” she said before ducking to sit in the passenger seat.

  I didn’t know how to take that, so I got in the car and started it.

  “Actually,” she said, turning to me, “would you mind if we walked. It’s maybe a fifteen minute walk and…it’s weird but I love walking. Clears my mind.”

  I shrugged, pulled the keys from the ignition and stepped out. I went to open her door, but I saw she’d already gotten out. I locked the doors and stood beside her, waiting for her cue to move.

  “Oh, I forgot about your leg! Can you make the walk? We can totally—”

  “It’s fine. I’m good.” I hadn’t walked that distance before, but I was more than happy to try.

  She took the first steps and, of course, I followed. It was nice, walking beside Noa, who seemed to be in love with the night sky. Her eyes took in the stars and she sighed wistfully.

  “Ever wonder what’s out there?” she asked. We were walking slowly enough that I didn’t feel discomfort, and I could look at her without worrying about running into anything.

  “In space?” I looked up.

  “The universe. It’s so boring when people say aliens. That’s what the rest of the world wants you to think.” She rubbed her gloved hands together and shoved them into her coat pockets.

  “Well, what do you think is out there?” I asked, eager to hear her theory.

  “I don’t know. But, when I look out, I think it can’t be something as mundane as aliens. It can’t be what everyone else thinks. It’s too beautiful, too massive. A real life miracle.”

  I nodded, afraid to say anything and break her spell. The wonder in her eyes was hypnotizing.

  “I wasn’t going to give you my number, you know.” Her words came out of nowhere, but I was quickly realizing just how fast her mind worked and how often she said just what was on it. I was coming to adore it in the extremely short amount of time we’d spent together. I understood that I’d have to keep her beside me, in our conversation and with me.

  “Why not?” I asked, looking at her again.

  “Have you ever made a decision and seen your future flash before you?” She asked, not answering my question at all. “It’s like the opposite of what people think happens before you die. Like memories you have yet to make.”

  “Actually, that’s exactly how I felt when I bumped into you,” I said, keeping my eyes on hers to gauge her reaction. If she opened this door, I was willing to follow her through it. But I couldn’t force her to see me. She’d have to open her eyes to us on her own. I made that deal with myself in that moment, waiting for her to react to my confession.

  She looked at me in surprise. “Huh. Well, that’s why I didn’t want to give you my number.”

  “I don’t get it. Explain it to me.”

  “I’m not that good at this. Not good with people. I do the loner thing best, which is probably why this is the first time I’ve ever really hung out with anyone one-on-one. It’s easier to hide in a group. But when it’s you and me, I feel like you can see me.”

  She was right. She owned my eyes. From the moment I saw her. They found purchase on any bit of her that was visible.

  I nodded and we walked in silence until we reached the restaurant. We were seated immediately among the empty tables. The Christmas decorations made the place look cozy.

  A waitress came up and took our drink orders, handing us menus. Noa refused hers, saying she already knew what she wanted, a small grin on her face.

  I leaned forward with interest as she relayed the dish and exactly how she wanted it as she shrugged out of her coat and removed her gloves.

  “Please don’t serve it with zucchini. I’d rather the steamed broccoli. Also, extra sauce on the side. Thanks so much.”

  I handed the menu back to the server and said I’d have the same.

  “So, what are we doing here?” Noa’s head tipped to the side a bit. Her smile was small enough to worry me, one that didn’t quite show amusement.

  “Eating,” I said with a shrug. “We’re both hungry and I’m making it up to you, like I said I would. Can’t have you thinking I go back on my word.”

  “You just look like someone who cares what other people think. Like, your image and all that. Which doesn’t explain why you’re here, sitting across from me, buying me dinner. I don’t think I fit that image, Dexter Andrews.” She leaned forward to whisper, “Do you know how many times you’ve walked past me, not ever really noticing me?” I’d think she was serious if I didn’t see the twinkle of humor in her eyes; the brown irises that were turning me inside out.

  I didn’t know what to say. Noa was intimidating but I couldn’t look away, even as she proved just how much of an ass Dex had been.

  “I wasn’t seeing as clearly as I am now.” I hoped she didn’t think I was
cheesy. My honesty was a bit more timid than hers, but it was honesty nonetheless.

  She nodded like she knew exactly what I meant. That she didn’t know that I hadn’t actually been Dexter and hadn’t actually known her until the moment we bumped into one another didn’t escape my knowledge. Still, I appreciated that she seemed to relate. The waitress came back with our drinks. When I’d ordered the same exact thing as Noa, I hadn’t realized she’d requested ginger ale. I stowed that random fact into my ‘all things Noa’ box.

  “What’s your deal, Dexter?”

  “My deal?” I still had no idea what to say to this girl, other than the fact that I was going to follow her for the rest of my life. Which was insane. But I believed that wholeheartedly. I just had to make sure I didn’t creep her out.

  “Yes. What do you do for fun? What’s your favorite color? What’s it like to survive being hit by a car?”

  She had no filter. It was refreshing to the point of unnerving. Normal, normal, bam, a question that made me want to double back to figure out where it’d come from.

  “I am quite the computer geek. I enjoy programming in my off time. My favorite color is blue,” her lips curved as she tugged at her hair and I smiled before going on, “and I don’t remember the accident or anything before waking up in the hospital, so I can only say it feels like waking up in someone else’s life.”

  I didn’t know if Dexter’s favorite color had been blue. But blue was all I’d seen since meeting her that afternoon. A color that was supposed to be reminiscent of sadness, feeding me great joy.

  “That’s got to be interesting.” Her eyes continued to twinkle under the Christmas lights as she sipped her soda through the straw. “Are you afraid of walking across the street?”

  “No.” I laughed. “Tell me what I was like before. Did we ever speak to one another before today?” I didn’t think Dexter would associate himself with someone like her. All of that freedom and color in his seemingly adult life? No. She’d had Dexter pegged correctly. Only now she thought of him as me.