Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  Her eyebrows shot up, mouthing Noa’s name to herself. I figured she’d say something aloud to go with the facial expression, but she remained silent.

  “What’s that face about?”

  She shook her head, looking at her laptop screen.

  “Speaking of girls with whom you’re spending time…” she trailed off as her phone chimed with an incoming text message. “I actually have a date.”

  “Yeah? That’s great.” I slid off the chair and grabbed my jacket. “I’ll be back. I have my phone. Call me if anything. And stop worrying,” I said with my back to her.

  “But…don’t you want to know more?” I looked over my shoulder at the surprise on her face.

  “Guys don’t really talk about this stuff, right? If it’s serious, bring him by. Oh, and carry pepper spray.” I gave her a hug, grabbed my keys, and stepped into the cold afternoon. I unlocked my car and sat in it for a few minutes while the heat kicked in. The clock on my dashboard read 3:46 p.m. I backed out of the drive and headed to the hospital. It didn’t take long to get there. When I locked my car behind me, I saw Noa step through the main entrance. I jogged lightly to catch up.

  She stood at the counter, signing a clipboard, and when I came in, she turned and looked at me.

  “You surprise me, Dexter.”

  “Why? I said I’d be here. You just walked away before I could tell you.”

  “And with time to spare,” she joked, her eyes shining. “Look, I get the effort, I guess. But if you don’t want to do this, I won’t make you.”

  I grabbed the clipboard and signed in. “No one really makes me do anything I don’t want to, Blue.”

  “Good to know. Today we’re working the children’s section. It varies, but it just so happens that kids are what I’m in the mood for.”

  I took off my coat and placed it over my arm, standing beside her as she pushed the button for the elevator. Level 2: Pediatrics.

  “You’re beginning to worry me.” I gestured for her to enter the elevator car before me.

  “Trust me; you haven’t known me long enough to worry yet.” She kept her eyes ahead, although I saw the corners of her mouth lift.

  “I mean, you’re a good person. Genuinely good, not because someone is forcing you to be. I’m afraid I can’t say the same for myself. Don’t hate me for it.”

  The elevator doors opened and we walked out, Noa leading the way.

  “If you’re looking for imperfections, stick around,” she said, taking my coat from me and hanging it on a hook just inside the nurses’ area.

  For the next three hours, I’d steal moments to admire Noa while she played with patients and helped with whatever the nurses needed. Some of the kids were too sick to play, so she’d read to them or watch television with them.

  “How often do you do this?” I asked as we grabbed our coats and headed to the elevators.

  She pushed the button to the main floor and waited until we were inside to answer.

  “I started recently. I try to come once a week because of the holiday season. People need people, you know?” We stepped off the elevator, and I was so entranced by her sheer honesty that I missed the familiar face that stepped in front of us.

  “Dex? Noa?” Sessie looked at the both of us. “I didn’t know you knew one another.” She pulled Noa into a hug and then me.

  “Hi, Sessie,” Noa said with a smile.

  “My two favorite patients. My miracles. You playing nice, Dex? This one’s special.”

  Patients? I remained seemingly unaffected by the revelation.

  “Of course,” I answered, pretending to sound wounded. “And I know she is. I’ve never met anyone like her.”

  Sessie seemed to like that answer because her smile broadened.

  “Well, you visit me whenever you’d like. That goes for the both of you. I’m clocking out, and I’m dying to get off my feet. I’ll see you around.” She waved and walked out.

  Don’t ask her how she knows Sessie. I told myself that, if Noa wanted me to know, she’d tell me. But it gnawed at my insides. She doesn’t owe you anything, I tried to reason. Still, I wasn’t happy. She might’ve known Noa from her volunteering. But I hadn’t misheard her: her two favorite patients.

  I wanted to know. I wanted to know everything there was to know. And I knew I hadn’t miscalculated when she lied to me earlier. Miracles. We were both miracles. But why was she so secretive about something I’d already made known to her? Any question she asked of me, I answered. And yet, I was afraid to ask her anything. Because she was so closed off, I was afraid to even attempt to open her up.

  She stopped just outside the door and held out her hand.

  “Thanks for coming to help,” she told me stiffly.

  “I’m not going to shake your hand because it doesn’t reflect how I feel about you at all, and it isn’t the way I want to say goodbye to you.” Her eyes grew heated at that statement. “Am I missing something? You were fine a minute ago.”

  “Look, you have questions. I can feel you practically begging me to tell you how I know Sessie, which I’m not ready to share. And what if I’m only okay with a handshake?” She started to back away from me, and the confusion on her face became determination. “I can’t do this. Not when I’ve been good for this long.”

  “And, what? I’m bad?” I was demanding answers from her now. I’d done nothing to deserve this backlash just because I wanted to know her. I had questions, sure. But they were unvoiced. She couldn’t fault me that. “I’ve treated you with respect, given you your space. What makes you think I’m a bad person?”

  “No—ugh, this isn’t coming out right. You could ruin it all for me, Dexter. I’m fine with the way things are now. But you could change that. You make me want more.”

  “You should want more, Noa. You should want the world.” You should want what I’m offering you. I wanted to grab her. I needed to physically touch her to show her. This was unavoidable. We were going to happen. If she couldn’t believe my sincerity, she had to believe the way it felt when we touched. It couldn’t be denied.

  She tugged on her coat, shaking her head and walking away. Putting more space between us. Making it harder for me to convince her.

  “I can’t just let you walk away. You can either come back here willingly or I’m going to grab you. You want to go home? I’ll bring you home.” I hadn’t expected the night to turn like this.

  “I can take the bus. It got me here.” She waved me off.

  I jogged after her for the second time today and when I reached her, I hauled her over my shoulder. She wriggled, causing me to stop and curse.

  “Stay still or you’ll fuck up my knee.” I stood still for a moment then headed to my car.

  “I shouldn’t have to worry about your knee, Dexter,” she snapped but didn’t move anymore. I unlocked my car and buckled her into the passenger seat. She pouted and I wanted to tell her how cute she looked, but I figured she would stab me with the closest sharp object. And I was still trying not to be pissed that she was acting like I had done something wrong.

  When I got in and turned the engine over, I decided I was calm enough to talk.

  “I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t know if you’re trying to push me away, but I’m not going anywhere. You can act batshit crazy and you can push my buttons. Me walking away isn’t happening.” I gulped. “Not when I see that you’re needing someone just as badly as I am.”

  Her arms reached for me and in a moment she was flush against my torso, her hands on my cheeks. She stopped when we were less than an inch apart, her eyes on my lips, and my eyes on her eyes. They were hazy, unfocused. All at once they sharpened. She lost her confidence and pulled away. I sighed, missing the feel of her on me.

  She felt it. She had to have felt it. It was dangerous when we touched because it was so fucking right. Excuses lost their validity, denial lost its power…all when her skin came in contact with mine.

  “You can’t expect me not to be curious
. Not when I want to know everything about you.” It sounded cheesy, like I always did around her, but I couldn’t help the things she made me feel.

  She nodded and I placed my hands on the wheel, trying to gather myself. Had she almost destroyed me? Or had I almost kissed her?

  Almost. The worst word. And now the moment was gone. Almost.

  “Where did you want to go?” I asked, breaking the silence. I heard her sniff and looked back at her.

  “I feel a little insane.” At least I wasn’t alone in that.

  “Yeah.” I pulled off the rubber band that held my hair together and ran my fingers through the strands. “Want to talk about it?”

  “Actually, I’d like to do anything but that. You have something in mind?”

  I pulled my hair back in a bun and stared out of the windshield. I was still contemplating when my cell phone rang.

  “What’s up, man?” I asked, wondering what Ralph was calling about.

  “Party tonight. Perfect chance for you to stop obsessing over a chick.” I looked over at Noa, whose mouth curved slightly. Embarrassed, I lowered the volume.

  “I’m with said chick, jackass. Whose party?”

  “Doesn’t matter. I’ll text you the address. Meet you there later. Is ten good?”

  “I’ll let you know, man,” I said, looking at Noa. She looked out of the window, seemingly uninterested in my conversation.

  Ralph snorted. “If you aren’t there, I’ll kick your—” I hung up before he could finish his threat.

  “I guess there’s a party tonight. You were looking for something to do. What do you think?”

  “I don’t know. It’s not really my scene….”

  “Come on. I’ll bring you home now and grab you later on. It’ll be fun.” I was lying. I had no idea what it was going to be like. But I couldn’t let Noa know that. She’d never go. I wanted her to make friends, and I liked the idea that her and Ralph would hit it off. Plus, every time I was around her, I wanted to touch her, whether it be my lips on hers or my hands in her hair. I didn’t know if she liked it, so it would probably be best to hang out around people. “I’ll stay with you the whole night, Blue.”

  She looked hesitant, but I knew she was going to say yes before she actually did.

  “You’d better not leave me on my own, Dexter. I’m not clingy by nature and I know we don’t really know what…this is, but that is non-negotiable.” She faced me, the smile in her eyes making it hard for me to focus on anything else.

  I snapped out of it, put my seatbelt on and reversed. When I pulled up in front of her house, she seemed more herself: excited and just a little wide-eyed.

  “It’ll be fun, right?” she asked, grabbing my hand. “And no one will stare at us like we’re the oddest pair there.”

  Pair. Us. Noa and I. I gripped her fingers tightly.

  “No. I’ll be back around ten.”

  She opened the door and stepped out. I waited as she entered the apartment building. Only when she turned on a light and her shadow stretched across a window on the uppermost left side of the building did I shift into drive and pull off.

  Hours later, after convincing Tracey that I would not partake in any teenage orgies, I parked outside Noa’s place once again.

  I know you’re outside. Restrain yourself. Remain in your car.

  I chuckled. This was better. The door opened and she stepped out. Despite the fact that she’d told me to stay in my car, I got out, wanting to see her up close before anyone else did.

  I took her steps two at a time and slowed when I was in front of her. She’d pulled her hair up. The piercings down her ear gleamed off of her porch light and, though I wasn’t an expert on these things, it looked like she’d put on makeup.

  She turned to face me. She’d definitely put on makeup. Her lips were cherry red, and while it might look garish on some, she wore it unapologetically. She was beautiful, and I wanted to wear the kisses she might give me. Bright red lips all over me. I inhaled deeply, telling my hormones to take a backseat. I took her hands and stepped closer, bending to kiss her cheek quickly. When I straightened, she stepped back, keeping her hands in mine.

  She was taller than usual. I looked down at her feet and noticed the boots she wore over black stockings.

  “I like your shoes,” I said, trying to act naturally. I knew I was failing when she laughed.

  “Dexter, you sure know how to make a lady smile. What guy notices things like that?”

  I didn’t bother with embarrassment. There hadn’t been a note of ridicule in her teasing words. We headed to the car quietly, my hand in hers.

  Before we got in, I spoke to her over the hood of the car.

  “Sure you don’t want to walk?”

  “Ha ha,” she said with sarcasm.

  We both got in, and I turned the car on again. Noa wasn’t as timid as she’d been before. She fiddled with the dials of my radio, scoffing at everything that was playing. Before I knew it, she’d found some mysterious cord, hooked up her iPod, and had her music coming out of the speakers. I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I drove. When I looked over at her, she was mumbling the words and nodding along to the beat.

  I liked her more and more every time I saw her.

  “You should pay more attention to the road, Dexter,” she said, looking straight ahead.

  “I’m not making you nervous, am I? Because I’m looking at you or because I have a bad track record with cars?”

  She threw her head back in one of her throaty laughs.

  “You aren’t anything like I thought you were,” she said, her laughter still on her red lips.

  I grabbed her hand and drove the rest of the way there without saying anything else. I remembered her first impression of me, so I figured what she said was a compliment. I parked the car in front of a house swarming with teens. The lawn held stragglers with red plastic cups, and I felt the pulsating beat coming from the house as we headed toward it.

  “Don’t be nervous,” I said, gripping her hand tighter in mine. I wanted everyone to know we were there together.

  She tucked the strands that had escaped what looked like an intricate up-do with her free hand, and we stepped inside. Wall-to-wall bodies and mugginess you could only experience in a crowded place hit us. Almost immediately, someone was calling my name.

  “Dex, bring your ass over here and get to drinkin’,” Ralph slurred as he made his way through the crowd. “Well, well. Who do we have here?” He smiled at Noa.

  She offered a small wave.

  “She’s cute. I can dig it.” He downed the rest of his beer and threw the empty cup at the back of another guy’s head. “Piss off, Doug,” he yelled when the guy turned around angrily. They both laughed and hugged it out. I looked at Noa, worried this was too much for her already. But she was actually laughing at the idiots.

  Cups were handed to the both of us and Noa frowned. Before I could ask her what was wrong, Ralph grabbed me and pushed me toward another room.

  “Look who finally decided to show up,” he yelled and everyone else cheered. A few of the girls crowded at me and I turned, trying to find Noa. She wasn’t where I left her. I felt someone tap my shoulder and looked back.

  “You done playing with that emo reject yet?” Becca’s words dripped with that fake sticky sweetness that made me cringe. She pressed against me suggestively.

  “Get a grip, Becca. It’s over,” I said, pushing past her. Ralph leaned into me, throwing his arm over my shoulder.

  He guffawed with his buddies over my exchange with Becca, and I was left looking for Noa again and praying Becca would leave me the hell alone. I walked back toward the front of the house and there she was, leaning against the wall, coat in one hand and cup in the other. She was looking at the cup with careful curiosity.

  “I’m driving. If you…you know. Want to do that.” I didn’t know how to tell her what I meant without sounding judgmental. I loved Ralph but he looked like a moron out there, drunk and loud.
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  She shook her head and placed the cup on a table beside her.

  “Whose house is this anyway?” she asked. I had to stand close to her to hear her, which I didn’t mind at all.

  I shrugged. She fidgeted momentarily before leaning forward to speak again. I held my breath as her lips neared my face. Red lips. All over me.

  “I’ve got to use the bathroom. I’m guessing you don’t know where it is since you don’t know the house. I’ll head upstairs and pray I don’t see something that’ll scar me for life.” She held up her intertwined fingers for luck. “You stay here. I’ll find you after.”

  As she stepped around strangers, I admired the way the dark blue fabric of her dress fit her. It was simple but sexy, and I couldn’t wait to tell her when she came back.

  I watched everyone drink, dance, and act like animals while she was gone. I hadn’t realized I was still holding onto my cup. I set it beside Noa’s untouched one.

  I began to worry once she’d been gone for over fifteen minutes. I maneuvered around bodies and climbed the steps slowly. I was halfway up when a familiar face caught my attention. Becca. She was making her way down the steps.

  She smirked and pushed past me, the scent of alcohol coming off of her in waves. At least she hadn’t spoken to me.

  I walked up to the first door I saw, but before I could turn the knob, it flung open and revealed Noa’s tearstained face.

  “What happened?” I demanded, pushing her back into the bathroom for privacy and shutting the door behind me.

  “Auditions, Dexter? Really?” She pushed me when I tried to grab her, tried to reason with her. “I’m surprised I made the cut!”

  “It wasn’t my idea.” It was a cop-out. “Look, I went with it but Ralph, he was just trying to help.”

  “Help? Help you get laid?” She wiped at her face with the back of her hand. “I was cornered tonight by a lunatic. What the fuck!” Becca. I wanted to put my fist through a wall. How had she even heard about the stunt Ralph pulled?

  “Listen to me, please,” I said, holding my hands out, putting hated space between my body and hers. If she’d felt cornered when Becca had verbally attacked her, I didn’t want to remind her of that.