Crashing Souls

by Cynthia A. Rodriguez

  I placed my hands on her desk.

  “For the record, I only ever wanted Noa. Since the moment I woke up from my coma, I was looking for Noa. I apologize to any of the ladies I may have hurt in the process. But it took my getting run over by a car to realize just how fragile time is and that I was wasting it.” I leaned forward, lowering my voice. “Becca, leave Noa alone. Someone as popular and sought after as you shouldn’t care what a washed-up ex and his emo queen are up to.”

  Ralph clapped slowly, which led to the entire classroom cheering with childish jubilee. I’d reached my seat when the teacher walked in, followed by the bell ringing.

  “Settle down, now,” he said, looking for a hint as to what had caused the ruckus.

  “What was that about?” Ralph asked, his eyes on the teacher.

  “I’m set on winning,” I whispered. I took one look at Ralph’s baffled expression and chuckled. When the teacher looked back at us, I smoothed my features and took out my notebook. The lesson went by quickly, and when the bell rang, I was a little surprised.

  “Meet you at your car, yeah?” Ralph said as I gathered my books. I nodded and headed for my locker, ignoring any and all things Becca. I opened my locker, grabbed my jacket, shoved my books inside quickly and slammed the door shut. I turned and bumped into Mouse.

  “I’m so sorry, Mou—Rachel,” I said, helping her with her books.

  “No, no, it’s fine. I was actually looking for you.” She chewed her lip over, her face pinking under my gaze. “Look, I heard what happened with Becca and Noa. I want you to know that I talked to Noa. I don’t want her thinking less of you. I was disappointed that it wasn’t me. But seeing you and Noa, I can totally understand. She’s a lucky girl.” She was losing steam, her words coming slower now.

  “So, I’m not the villain anymore?” I offered a smile.

  “I don’t think you ever really were.” She held out her hand and I shook it. “Well, just wanted to give you a heads up. I talked to her. Figured it couldn’t hurt.”

  “Thanks. You take care.” I pulled on my coat and headed out onto the crisp white lawn. Rock salt crunched under my boots as I crossed the parking lot, and I unlocked my car, waiting for Ralph to show up. When I saw him walking up with Noa, I didn’t want to acknowledge the nervousness and slight jealousy I felt. She barely knew Ralph but easily offered him the smiles I had to work to get.

  “It was fucking hilarious. Becca’s face? Priceless.” Shit. I wanted to tell Noa what’d happened myself, before anyone else had the chance to distort it. I didn’t want to pressure her at all, and speaking publicly about her seemed to be something that might do just that.

  She watched him intently as they stopped in front of my car. Her cheeks were already pink and her breath visibly warm against the cold winter afternoon. Then her eyes were on mine.

  “Dexter Andrews. You certainly play to win.”

  I couldn’t help but feel anxious when she stared so openly at me. “So, you’re okay with that?” I asked. I didn’t care that Ralph was standing there, ready to make fun of me.

  “Stop being a puss. Let’s get something to eat.” He opened the door to the backseat, and I looked at Noa apologetically. She laughed and made her way to the passenger side, sliding in easily.

  I started the car and backed out of the parking spot. I didn’t want to tell Ralph that I had plans with Noa already, but I didn’t want Noa to think I didn’t take this date seriously. Noa’s hand went over mine and she smiled. She then turned her attention to the radio, putting her music on. When a song began to play, Ralph hollered excitedly before singing along, out of key. Before I knew it, their windows were rolled down and both of them were singing loudly with their heads out of the car. I laughed, turning up the music. When I pulled over at Noa’s favorite restaurant, Ralph sat back, unbuckling his seatbelt. His cheeks were brighter than I’d ever seen, and he was wearing a grin when he spoke.

  “That’s it, Dex. I fucking love her.” He opened the car door and Noa’s eyes were on mine, of course. Never afraid to stare. I brought my hand to toy with the strands of her hair.

  “Sorry,” I breathed out, leaning closer.

  “Why? Aren’t you hungry?” She leaned into me. “Or are you greedy?” Her eyes narrowed playfully.

  “If I’m greedy, it’s your fault.” I dropped my hand to her knee, which had turned toward me. She was quiet, and I didn’t want to interrupt whatever she was going to throw at me next.

  “I can’t even think when you’re this close to me,” she whispered, her lids dropping slightly. Behind her, I saw Ralph taking a seat inside.

  “We’d better go.” I didn’t want to. In fact, I couldn’t think of anything I’d rather do than sit in my car with her, breathing her air and soaking up her attention.

  “Then let’s go, Dexter.” She pulled away, yanking the door open. Before she shut it, her eyes found mine and she smiled. It was a full-on smile, so bright and so like the one I’d witnessed in the hall. She closed the passenger door, and I ran my hands over my face.

  I was set on winning all right.

  Chapter 14

  “So, you got any friends?” Ralph sat back in the booth, hanging his arm close to Noa’s shoulder. “Friends looking for a good time?” he clarified.

  “Not really. I’m more of a loner than anything. A few people I could probably call to hang out, but no one either of you would know.” She sipped her soda. Ginger ale. Of course.

  “No sisters?” he asked easily, but I watched her spine stiffen. I’d never gotten up the nerve to ask her about anything personal. I figured I’d find out in time.

  “No. One brother. Tim.” She didn’t offer more information. I looked up at Ralph, and when he lifted his brows in confusion, I took the lead.

  “I take it you guys aren’t close. What about your parents? They cool?” Easier question, I thought.

  “Um, actually, I wouldn’t know these days. They skipped out a while ago. So, it’s just Tim and me.” Her eyes weren’t as quick to find mine, but when they did, I admired the strength in them.

  “Their loss,” Ralph said, taking the last piece of pie from Noa’s plate. “I rag on my parents a lot, and they rag on me too. But you’ve got a lot to be happy about Noa. Like the fact that your parents spared you their shittiness rather than giving you a life full of shittiness.” I looked at Ralph in horror until I heard Noa burst with laughter.

  Her eyes were closed and she belly laughed, tears running down her face. Ralph chuckled with a shrug, still chewing the pie he’d snagged, and I ran my eyes back and forth, not knowing what to think.

  Noa wiped her eyes. “That’s it,” she said, “I fucking love him.”

  It was easy to lose myself in their company, their banter had me watching them like a ball was volleying between them. And when Noa laughed, I could only smile, falling for the sound of it.

  When she’d gone to the restroom, Ralph scooted over to me.

  “Dude, I get it. I really do.”

  “Does this mean you won’t be making fun of me anymore?” I was shredding the napkin in front of me, content with the easy task of it. I looked up at him when I asked.

  “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, now,” he said, throwing his balled up napkin at me.

  Ralph was droning on about some sport when Noa came back to the table. I wanted to put my arm around her, but I didn’t know if she’d be comfortable with it. Instead, I scooted closer to her and placed my hand beside hers. When she locked a few of her fingers with mine, I smiled to myself.

  “All right, you two. Drop me home. I’m sure you’d love some alone time.”

  We filed out. Ralph walked ahead of us, and I finally put my arm around Noa. She looked up at me, and when I opened the car door for her, she frowned.

  “I know, I know. Not your style.” I leaned into her. “But you should just get used to it.”

  She rolled her eyes as she got in, and I headed to the driver’s side. Noa took command of the music, and bef
ore long, Ralph was singing along with what lyrics he knew, making the rest up. As we pulled up in front of his house, Noa’s hand reached for mine.

  If Ralph knew how ecstatic I was over her hand in mine, he’d lose his shit. But I was currently losing mine.

  “All right, love birds. Have fun and don’t stay out too late. Dex, I’ll stop by tomorrow.” He slammed the door before I could say anything in return. I shrugged and looked at the time. If I headed to the theater now, we’d be waiting around an hour.

  “What should we do now?” she asked.

  I turned to her slowly. I said I wouldn’t push her. But I wanted more.

  “We could always go to your house and I could meet your brother,” I offered.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She pulled her hand from mine.

  “Hey.” I took her hand back. “Don’t.”

  She sat quietly, her hand relaxing in mine.

  “I have a better idea,” I said, pulling off. I drove with her hand in mine, and when we stopped in front of a park, she looked at me in surprise.

  “This is your better idea?” She was smiling, but I didn’t know what she was thinking. Surprise, surprise.

  “Sure. It’ll be fun.” I got out, hoping she’d follow. When she did, she took the lead, heading to the swings.

  “Don’t worry. You don’t have to push me. I’m a pro,” she said over her shoulder, a smile in her voice. She pulled her hair into a ponytail, and I caught the shimmer of the metal lining her ear.

  “I get that you’re used to being this independent woman and all. And I’d never want to take that from you.” I came up behind her as she pushed off, grabbing the chains of her swing. “But you’re going to have to give a little, Blue.”

  I pushed her for a little, not too high like I imagined she did as a child. It was a slow, steady swing, and all I could hear were the crickets chirping and the squeak of the chains as she swung. She placed her feet down, skidding to a stop, and turned so I could see her profile.

  “I…think I’m a little afraid of you, Dexter Andrews.” She was so still, her breath coming up and vanishing into the air. It was dark out, and the streetlights cast a yellow glow around her. Snow fell lightly but I didn’t think to move. I didn’t want to break whatever moment Noa was having.

  “I’m probably the least threatening person in your life right now. I’d never hurt you.” I wanted to eat the words back up. It didn’t matter that I said it. I’m sure guys who were out to hurt girls promised them they wouldn’t at first.

  She shook her head. “It’s not that you would. It’s just that I’d be giving you the power to. Like giving you a rather sharp knife and praying to God you won’t slip and cut me. Or lose your mind and stab me repeatedly.” There was humor in her words, and despite the crazy analogy, I knew what she meant. I had to speak honestly.

  “What if I told you I was giving you an equally sharp knife and my prayers were the same as yours?”

  She tilted her head back and looked at the sky. “I’d call bullshit.”

  “Do you honestly believe that?” I let go of her swing and sat in the one beside hers. “Don’t sugarcoat it. I want to know what you’re thinking for once. Not these little outbursts that you can’t help. I love those. But when it comes to deep stuff, you keep it in. Tell me.”

  “It’s easier to think that. You keep coming around, so it’s pretty obvious to see you’re somewhat invested. But for how long?” She held up her hand when I opened my mouth to answer. “Don’t answer that. It isn’t a fair question for either of us.”

  I kicked at the dirt. “So, where does that leave us?”

  She stood up, shaking her hands out, and walked over to my car, lying against the hood. The old Dexter probably wouldn’t like that, but I couldn’t get over the beauty of it. She looked so relaxed, her ponytail fanned out against the sleek black exterior. When I stepped up to lie beside her, she scooted so I had enough room. And when our hands touched, she gripped mine tightly. Small flakes fell over us, and I couldn’t remember ever being so happy just existing.

  “Maybe those stars are actually souls. I think I read a story somewhere where that was the case…” she trailed off, and before I could steer her back to me, she squeezed my hand. “I always ponder the universe. It’s comforting to think of something bigger than yourself. That way, if something terrible happens, it isn’t always your fault. And if something great happens…well, I haven’t been fortunate enough to experience many great things. But, I’d really like to try this, Dexter. You have to bear with me. I’ve never felt like this before. Not when it comes to someone I barely even know.”

  “Like what?” I asked, afraid to look at her. Intense, obsessed, euphoric, confused. Those were a few things that I could think of off the top of my head.

  “Dependent.” Not what I was expecting. But somewhere underneath the heavy adjectives I’d thought of, I knew I felt dependent too.

  “But why is that such a problem for you?”

  “I know your parents died. And I’ve wondered if your amnesia affects your memories of them. Do you remember anything about them?” I shook my head. “I do. I’d see them around, and your mom had this great big genuine smile. And your dad looked at her like she was his sun. His days revolved around her.” She ran her thumb over the skin between my fingers.

  “I remember my parents, too. I remember the way they’d fight all day long. My dad would cheat, and my mom would be gone all night trying to find him. Tim was older, so he’d be out with his friends. And I’d be home by myself, trying to figure out what I’d eat for dinner. One day, my dad left. My mom left after him, as usual. Only, they never came back. I was twelve. Tim was seventeen.”

  My hand was numb from the pressure of her grip but I didn’t care. She was finally letting me in. I turned my head to look at her. Silent tears slid toward her ears. I wiped them away with my free hand, turning to her.

  “See, I relied on the people I was supposed to and they left. So what’s stopping you? Isn’t it only a matter of time?”

  “I can’t make you believe what I say. All I can ask is for a fair shot at this.”

  “I’ve only had a crush on you since the moment I saw you. At this point, I’d likely give you whatever you asked of me. Which is dangerous. And I probably shouldn’t have told you that.” She slapped her hand over her face.

  “I have to tell you something,” I whispered. She peeked between her fingers and I laughed, pulling her hand away from her face. “You don’t have to look inside my head to feel what I’m feeling. You only have to know that it’s exactly what you’re feeling.”

  “I refuse to believe you’re as dopey about me as I am about you.”

  I could tell her time and again. Or I could show her. I could make it so she’d never believe anything but the fact that I was in as deep as she was.

  I tugged her against me and ran my nose against hers. So close to her lips, I was so close but I didn’t kiss her. Her breath caught and only when I’d stayed still for a moment, did she find it again.

  “It feels…intense,” I whispered, kissing the corner of her mouth. “I’m obsessed.” I kissed her chin. “Euphoric.” I kissed her cheek. “And so confused.” And I went for it. Softness and silk, her lips gave way and she pressed against me. Her arms came around me, and it felt like I was the one who was floating and she was bringing me back down to Earth.

  When we pulled away, our hands still on one another, I saw the sparkle in her eyes. She sat up and hopped off the car, dusting the snowflakes from her hair.

  “Let’s go before we’re late to the movie, slowpoke.”

  Could she not see the birds chirping around my head from that knockout?

  Chapter 15

  It was official. Noa was my girlfriend.

  Except I hadn’t actually asked her. But we were always together. She spent Christmas with me, and we hung out and watched movies during the holiday vacation. It was New Year’s Eve, and I was hoping to take her out. I
pulled my cell phone from my pocket, tapping it against my hand. Sitting nervously reminded me of the very first time I’d texted her. I typed out something quickly, figuring she’d either say yes or no. And either way, I’d be right by her side, held by invisible chains.

  What are your plans for tonight?

  I tossed the small football up in the air a couple times, waiting for the ping of her incoming text. When the text came, I grabbed my phone, forgetting the football until it hit me in the face. I rolled over and eyed the message she’d sent.

  Whatever your plans are. If you’ll have me, Dexter Andrews.

  I smiled.

  I was invited to a party. I know last time wasn’t exactly great but I really want to try again.

  Her response was immediate.

  I trust you. Let’s try it again.

  “Dex?” Tracey stuck her head inside my room. “What’s going on tonight?”

  “Funny that you ask. I have the honor of escorting the loveliest lady in town to a party tonight.” I sat up, making room for her on my bed.

  “Huh,” she said as she sat. “I didn’t know I was going anywhere tonight.” She chuckled and patted my knee.

  “Don’t stay in. It’s New Year’s Eve. Go out. Where’s that guy you were dating?” I never paid much attention to her dating life, and I immediately felt badly when her face fell.

  “Well, that didn’t really work out. I forgot that men my age aren’t too keen on a woman with a teenager at home. Idiots, the lot of them. Except you. What about you? Are you excited for tonight? You and Noa seem to be getting cozy.”

  I nodded as my finger hovered over my screen. I trust you. It hadn’t taken very long for her to tell me this. In general, we hadn’t taken very long to fall into place. I hated that the length of time determined the legitimacy of peoples’ relationships. I could bet that Noa’s parents had known each other almost two decades. Did they feel for each other the way Noa and I did?

  It was hard to accept that as true, but maybe they had up until a certain point. I wouldn’t let what happened to them happen to us. It wasn’t about time. Not at all. It was about effort. And I was prepared to give Noa tons of it.