Choices (A Woman's Life)

by Marie Ferrarella

“And we have a winner,” Reid cried.

  It was over. Thank God, it was over. “Is he, is he all right?” she gasped out the words, barely conscious.

  Reid cradled the tiny life against him. It was slippery and dirty and he had never seen anything so beautiful before. He felt incredibly moved. There was a lump in his throat that he had to work past before he could answer her. “Yes, except for one thing.”

  There was something wrong with the baby. Oh God, there was something wrong with her baby. Hysteria bubbled, making her dizzy. “What?”

  “We’re going to have to stop referring to the baby as he. It’s a girl, Shanna.” He smiled as he looked at her now, over the baby’s head. “You had a daughter.”

  “A girl?” she repeated numbly. Slowly the information penetrated. A daughter. She had a daughter. “Thank you, God,” she whispered so softly, she wasn’t certain she had said the words at all.

  He had never seen eyes so alert before. And such a bright shade of blue. “Yeah, you know, one of those cute little people of the female persuasion who is destined to break men’s hearts.”

  Because there was absolutely nothing to wrap her in, he took off his shirt and tucked it around the baby as best he could. It wasn’t much, he thought, but it would have to do for now. “I guess you’d like to hold her.” He was almost loath to give the baby up. In those few moments when he had been the first to hold her, he felt as if he had bonded with the brand-new human being.

  Shanna couldn’t answer, she could only nod. For the moment emotions swirled within her, making it completely impossible to talk.

  Reid gently placed the small, wriggling bundle into Shanna’s arms.

  “I can’t do anything about the cord,” he apologized. “Let’s see if we can get you to the hospital and have someone with a little more knowledge than mine take care of that part.”

  She nodded again, tears brimming in her eyes. It was over and she was holding her daughter in her arms. Her daughter. It didn’t seem real. “Reid?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I don’t know how to thank you.”

  He smiled as he lightly touched the baby’s cheek. It was a miracle, he thought. One hell of a miracle. “You just did.”

  Shifting, Reid got out of the taxi. He took in a deep breath of fresh air, not even minding the fact that there was a stench of garbage in the air. Every muscle in his body was tense, like the string of a bow that had been pulled back as far as it would go. The humidity in the air only added to the coat of sweat he already wore. He didn’t notice. It was great to be alive.

  He let out a long breath, trying to relax. It was over and they were both alive. A damn good accomplishment, he told himself. Reid looked into the backseat of the cab and saw Shanna cradling the baby against her. Damn good.

  The light from the interior of the car bounced off his wristwatch. He held it up, wiggling it until he could see what time it was. Eight-fifteen. The exam would be almost over by now. Maybe he could get a makeup. Reid smiled to himself. He had a hell of a good excuse for missing it, but the professor was probably never going to believe it.

  Right now it didn’t matter. She was alive.

  Stretching, he arched his back before getting back into the taxi, this time into the front seat. He turned for one last look before starting up the car. “Everything okay back there?”

  She had been so exhausted just a moment ago. Where had all this new energy come from? Shanna looked up at Reid and smiled. “Perfect.”

  It was all he wanted to hear. Turning on the ignition, Reid backed the taxi out of the alley slowly, then edged onto the street.

  To his relief, the traffic jam had mercifully broken up. Cars were moving at a slow, steady pace. Traffic was still heavy, but not impossible. But the emergency was over, so he wasn’t in a hurry.

  Wasn’t that always the way, he thought. Behind him, the baby made a whimpering, sucking noise.

  He had delivered a baby tonight. Damn, it felt good.

  “What are you going to call her?”

  “Jessica.” The name came to her out of her past. An imaginary childhood friend she had invented to keep her company. Now she had a daughter to do the same. “Jessica Eloise,” Shanna said, smiling down into the tiny, wrinkled face of her daughter. She knew her grandmother would have approved.

  Chapter 17

  “You’ll be okay?” Reid asked as he brought the cab to a stop at the curb before the hospital emergency entrance.

  “I’ll be fine.” Though there was no real reason for it, his concern made her feel warm, safe.

  He nodded. “Good, I’ll be right back.”

  Moving quickly, Reid hurried to the emergency-room entrance. He dashed through the electronic doors just as they began to pull apart. Scanning the large room, he found the registration desk. There were three chairs, partitioned off from one another at a long desk. Only one opening was unattended. He saw a man, a day-old stubble on his face, his shirttails hanging out, shuffling from the large waiting room and heading toward the desk. The man wore a pinched expression and he was holding his stomach as if it would fall off at any moment and explode.

  “Sorry.” Hurrying, Reid got to the desk ahead of him. “This is a real emergency.”

  “Hey, my gut’s on fire, man,” the man complained, then grew silent as he looked Reid up and down. He took a step back. Reid was still shirtless and there was blood on his jeans.

  Reid leaned over the desk, noting that he and not the man behind him had the registration clerk’s full, rapt attention. “I’ve got a woman in the backseat of my cab who’s just given birth.” He jerked a thumb toward the parking lot. “She says her doctor’s on staff here.”

  Reid had no idea whether or not Shanna did have a particular physician at this hospital, but he knew that saying so would get him the desired results. Less than a minute later, summoned by the clerk, an orderly and a nurse were rushing out to the parking lot with a wheelchair for Shanna.

  “Hey, be careful with her,” Reid called after them, remembering. “I didn’t cut the umbilical cord.”

  Before Reid could get out to the parking lot to join them, Shanna and Jessica were being brought into the hospital. He moved aside, giving the orderly room. As he watched, mother and daughter were taken away to the bank of elevators in the rear of the building. Reid was left standing alone in the emergency room.

  “Bye,” he murmured to them under his breath.

  He turned and saw that the few people who were in the waiting room were staring at him. He looked down and remembered that his shirt was still in Shanna’s possession, wrapped around Jessica.

  “Great.”

  He couldn’t return the taxi to the dispatcher looking like this. He’d have to go home and get something to put on. Well, so much for his getting to the college in time to catch his professor, he thought. He’d have to see about calling the department in the morning and hopefully arranging for a makeup exam. His degree depended on it.

  Hell of a night, he thought running his fingers through his unruly hair. He saw another woman staring at his bare chest as he approached the exit. She seemed totally oblivious to the fact that her mouth was hanging open.

  Reid grinned. “Careful,” he warned her as he went past, “they take the shirt right off your back around here if you give them half a chance.”

  Whistling, he walked to his cab.

  Hell of a night.

  Another wave of exhaustion took hold and Shanna fell asleep as soon as she was helped into bed. She slept as if she were dead until the following morning. Waking at six, she felt like a different person from the woman who had flagged down the taxi last night. Her fatigue had all but vanished. She was achy and incredibly sore when she tried to sit up, but all that would pass soon, she thought. There was no point in dwelling on it. It was time to think and to make plans.

  Plans for the two of them. She could hardly believe that she was actually a mother now. All those months, walking around with that bulging growth in front of her
, it had still seemed like a fantasy. But the fantasy had become reality. She had a baby.

  A baby. Hers. Incredible.

  Shanna looked up as the door to her room opened slowly. “Someone’s hungry,” the nurse said, entering the room. “Are you up to a feeding?”

  In lieu of a reply, Shanna stretched her arms out toward her daughter. The nurse placed the baby into them carefully. “Ring when you want me to take her back,” she said cheerfully as she left.

  “Never,” Shanna murmured under her breath as she looked at her daughter. She lightly probed one small hand and felt love flooding through her as the tiny fingers closed over hers.

  “Hi, I’m your mom. But I guess you already know that.” The baby watched her quietly with wide eyes. She appeared to be really listening. “So, how do you like the world so far? Big, huh? It shrinks down to size after a while, I promise.”

  Shanna raised Jessica slightly, bringing her closer to her face, and took a little whiff. “You smell good.” She laughed. “I can’t believe you’re really here.” Shanna closed her eyes as she pressed her cheek against the baby’s. Jessica protested with a whimper. Shanna lowered her again. “You’re going to have to get used to this. I’ve never been a mother before. But then, you’ve never been a baby before, so I guess that makes us even.”

  Sitting here, with her daughter in her arms, she felt as if she had fallen into a fairyland. Her room was painted in soft pastels. It was soothing and beautiful. It was easy to think that all of life would be like this. But Shanna knew better.

  Diametrically opposed emotions struggled within her. She was full of awe at what had just transpired. She had given birth to a beautiful baby girl. A perfect baby girl. She already loved Jessica so much that it hurt. But her love was entwined with a twinge of depression, with concern for her child. Would this tiny baby grow up to make the same mistakes as she had? And what kind of a mother would she make? Rheena had felt that Eloise had failed her. And Shanna had spent her childhood longing for her mother’s love and attention. Was the pattern destined somehow to continue?

  No, she swore to herself. She was going to be different. If nothing else, she could give her daughter the life she had always yearned for. A life filled with love.

  “I promise to do the best I can.” Memories of a lonely childhood echoed in her mind. “To listen to vou and to love you no matter what.” Her mouth curved in a smile as she thought of the “differences of opinion” she had had with her mother. “I also promise that you don’t have to give a single society party if you don’t want to, or make your debut or do anything else that a Brady-slash-Fitzhugh is supposed to do. You can be your own person.”

  She took a good look at her daughter, memorizing each tiny feature. Jessica had delicate, almost translucent pink skin, a rosebud mouth, and an entire mop of fine, very light blond hair.

  Jordan’s hair.

  A surge of sadness shuddered through Shanna. She had never told Jordan that she was pregnant, never wanted him to share in this moment with her. She had felt better sharing Jessica’s birth with a total stranger than she would have with Jordan. Perhaps it wasn’t fair not to tell him, but she didn’t feel like being fair. Besides, she instinctively knew that he wouldn’t have cared anyway.

  Jessica whimpered again. “Sorry. Breakfast coming up,” Shanna promised, slipping the hospital gown off one shoulder. There were more important things to do than feel sorry for herself, she thought. Her daughter needed her.

  Roger Brady had a meeting scheduled with a Senate Judiciary Committee member at two. He had his secretary arrange his itinerary to provide enough time to take a slight detour before his appointment and visit with his daughter and new granddaughter.

  She had done nicely for herself, he thought, looking around Shanna’s new apartment. When Shanna and Jessica had left the hospital, he had offered to have them stay at the house. But Shanna had refused, determined to maintain her independence. She had hired a nurse to help her with the baby and gotten herself settled in a larger apartment nearer the office. In the two months since she had given birth to Jessica, his daughter had gotten her life in order and was going full speed ahead.

  Who would have thought it?

  He looked up and smiled at her as she placed his cup in front of him on the black marble coffee table. When she was growing up, during the infrequent rimes he had spent with her, it had never occurred to him to be proud of her. He felt pride now.

  He made himself comfortable on the boldly blue-and-mauve-flowered love seat. The coffee was hot, rich, and dark, just the way he liked it. She knew a good many more things about him than he did about her, he mused. He had spent the last twenty minutes playing with Jessica, until the nurse had taken her away for her nap. Now it was just the two of them, Shanna and he.

  “So, how is everything?”

  Shanna settled down next to her father. “Wonderful. I have an excellent nurse for Jessica and things are beginning to finally fall into place.” Taking a sip of her own coffee, she watched her father. “Jane will be coming with me to the office at first. If you don’t mind.”

  Brady raised a quizzical brow. “Jane?”

  ‘The nurse.” She nodded in the direction of the bedroom. “I’m going to continue feeding Jessica until she’s about six months old.” Her father cleared his throat, embarrassed by the delicate subject. Shanna couldn’t help smiling. “It’ll be hairy for a while, but nothing we can’t all handle if we try.”

  He set the cup down thoughtfully. “Does that mean you intend to come back to work for me?” Nothing would have pleased him more than having her there, but he hadn’t wanted to pressure her. In the few short months she had been at the office, he had come to look forward to seeing her. And she was an asset to him.

  Savoring her coffee a moment, Shanna grinned. “Try and keep me away, Senator.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.” He took her hand in both of his, enveloping it. “I’ve missed you, Shanna.” He thought of the work she had spearheaded on the homeless problem in Illinois just before she had gone on maternity leave. “The projects are beginning to fall behind.”

  She was eager to get back. Eager to work again. “You could bring some of the data and reports here. My computer is compatible with the one in your office.”

  He held up a hand to stop what he knew was coming. “I didn’t mean for you to think you had to work at home. I just want you to know that you’re needed and missed. But there’s such a thing as burning the candle at both ends, you know.”

  She knew that, but she also knew that she needed to work. She needed the cleansing feeling that being involved in things she felt were important brought her. She still needed to justify her existence, if only to herself. The project her father had put her to work on was the means to that end.

  “I’ve got a lot of ‘wax’ stored up, Dad. Twenty-five years’ worth.”

  “That doesn’t mean you have to go up like a Roman candle.” He realized that he was making fatherly noises and it felt good. “If you had listened to me and not gone back to work primary night, you would have given birth to Jessica at the hospital instead of the back of some filthy cab.”

  Shanna nodded vaguely. Her father’s reference brought Reid’s image back to mind, the way he had looked as he placed Jessica into her arms, his shirt wrapped around the infant. She found herself thinking about Reid a lot these last two months, her thoughts sometimes turning to him when she least expected it. She had waited for him to come to see her in the hospital and had been disappointed when he didn’t show up. She still wondered who he was and if she would ever see him again. She remembered that he had said he was a political-science major. If he found work in D.C., maybe she would run into him again someday. She wanted a chance to thank him properly for helping her bring Jessica into the world. On a whim, she had asked to keep his shirt as a souvenir, rescuing it just as the nurse was about to dispose of it.

  Shanna became aware that her father was looking at her and had stopped talking. �
�Well, the result is still the same,” she told him lightly. “One way or the other, you would have still wound up with the most gorgeous granddaughter on the face of the earth.”

  Brady smiled, finishing the last of his coffee. “That’s what your mother says.”

  “Mother?” Shanna couldn’t picture her mother acting the part of the proud grandmother if her life depended on it. Though the woman had come by several times to visit and to bring gifts, she had remained the regal Rheena Brady, socialite, throughout.

  Brady knew exactly what his daughter meant. “She doesn’t exactly refer to Jessica as her granddaughter. That part of the relationship is glossed over rather rapidly. Your mother’s still not sure what she wants Jessica to call her.”

  “Well, Mother’s got at least nine months to come up with an alternative.” Shanna studied her father’s face.

  “How about you? Do you want Jessica to call you something other than Grandfather when she finally learns how to talk?”

  “Not a chance.” He laughed. He looked down at the gold-framed photograph on the table. It was a close-up of the round little face and clear blue eyes. He hoped the eyes wouldn’t change color. It was something he and Jessica shared. He’d only recently realized how important it was to share things. “I’m looking forward to it.” Glancing at the photograph again, he grew serious. “Have you told Jordan?”

  “Yes.” She toyed with the empty cup, wishing she had more coffee. “The first week Jessica was born. I wrote him a letter.”

  “And?”

  She shrugged. She had lived in fear for a month before she had relaxed. “And nothing.”

  Brady couldn’t believe what his daughter was telling him. “Jordan hasn’t even bothered to try to get in contact with you?”

  She set the cup down on the saucer and folded her hands in her lap. Ambivalent feelings traveled through her. She wanted Jessica to have a father, wanted Jordan to realize that he owed his daughter something besides genes. But she still didn’t want him in her life, didn’t want him laying a claim to the infant.