The Unexpurgated Code

by J. P. Donleavy

  Except when spying on husbands or lovers, spectacular pukka ladies hardly ever pretend a lower social status. They prefer their gowns and leisure garments to be recently rushed from the reigning haute couturier. Featured in these creations and splendidly engemmed in their best diamonds they hit the top resorts, watering places, restaurants and hotel lobbies, knocking hell out of the opposition. Chauffeuring and undertaking is sometimes about the only entree to such women, except if you crack their country habitat.

  These rural paradises are always made obvious by their great adjoining lawns, blue pebbled drives and palatial houses set with their elevations gleaming amid rare horticulture. Isolated on such estates, the spectacular pukka lady can be found reclining on down filled chaise longues, surrounded by her fashion magazines and often bored out of her brains. This however does not make the task of befriending her any less difficult. In fact, upon learning of your existence, there are some perverse enough to deliberately enjoy not meeting you. In such cases the only answer is brazen trespass.

  One third of the battle is succeeding in making it over the hedge, wall or battlement. The day chosen should be warmly sunny when your subject is on the terrace and late morning coffee has just been served. But remember you are an intruder. And prepare yourself. Because just as your more than likely elderly matron will be gasping in horror, you will be sighing with the promised sight of a person of real quality and not some half mummy anchored by gold bracelet charms and pumped up with transplant hormones.

  Be sportily attired. Brazen trespass requires this. A paisley scarf at the neck is a nice touch. Obstacles must be bypassed without ripping the garments. A little reconnoitre will avoid your being accosted by outdoor servants, Doberman pinschers or, god forbid, Irish wolfhounds. Upon proceeding in an unhurried manner and reaching your quarry, the following opening remarks are recommended delivered at six yards with an educated accent while leaning forward upon your extended right foot in an impatiently enquiring manner.

  ‘Forgive me madam, I hope I’m not disturbing you, but this is, is it not, Zanadu.’

  ‘Who are you?’

  ‘I was about to ask you.’

  ‘This happens not to be Zanadu and, I think, is my terrace.’

  ‘Good lord, what a merry puddle, my man must have taken the wrong turning. Chauffeurs these days appear to regard one rural lane the same as another. Do please, forgive me.’

  Bow and withdraw immediately. Under normal circumstances the matron, having heard your phrase ‘what a merry puddle’, will enquire after whom you are seeking. After first making sure your matron is not an intimate of theirs, provide a refined name of not too obvious social significance. You should be invited back that evening for drinks. If you are not, a further degree of haughtiness is required in your accent.

  Accent Improvement

  While accomplishing this it is essential to remove yourself from old pals, neighbourhood and hometown. By this, you may of course be doing yourself two favours instead of one. Nothing is more easily avoided than an unpleasant accent and the one you were born with, although keeping you at ease with your peers, may hinder your planned giant strides towards grandeur. Often folk’s normal voices can sound ugly, abusive and threatening. This is undesirable unless you are intending work as a debt collector. Your biggest drag will come from your immediate family and their no account friends. The latter invariably commenting.

  ‘Hey where did you get that accent from.’

  ‘I most certainly did not get it from you, sir. Nor, I should add, from any of your near relatives.’

  Provided folk upon whom you wish to make a favourable impression are not present, accent practice may be got without fatal social risks from attendants in gentlemen’s conveniences. At the time of tipping, reach into a pocket to withdraw your change purse.

  ‘O dash, what a bore, not a single bronze centime, do please forgive me, old chum, I know it sounds awfully fake, but I haven’t a bean on me.’

  Your accent has passed if the attendant replies.

  ‘That’s quite all right sir, another time will do.’

  Your accent has failed if, upon the return of your purse to your pocket, the attendant growlingly and recklessly rips the stoppers out of the basins and then noisily slams down lavatory seats and kicks the waste basket skidding across the tiles. However, should he have the audacity while performing these tiresome antics to utter within your hearing.

  ‘You lousy rotten phoney, you.’

  Presto another opportunity is presented for accent practice.

  ‘Sir, I refer you to your socks whose holes I am sure you will find useful in sieving out the larger of your teeth for museum exhibition after I have knocked them out of your tedious head.’

  During and after accent improvement, accent slipping is a discouraging phenomenon but if properly manipulated it can be turned to some advantage in your upward velocity. In any event, having steered clear of future latrines where your practising might again be botched, it is quite permissible to indulge voluminous accent slipping in letting off steam publicly occasioned by social inferiors offering unpleasant lip.

  Should the accent slip in polite company, it is of course a real triumph to have a different and better one underneath. This momentarily can hold ostracism at bay. However when a quite forward, no nonsense type of listener pricks up his ears and loudly announces.

  ‘Sir, your accent has slipped.’

  Smile winningly and slowly bow the head to regard your shoe tips shyly and explain.

  ‘I’m awfully sorry about that but every time mother and father went on expedition and I was left with nannie I did prefer the excitement of below stairs.’

  Your opponent will, if he is of any consequence, reply.

  ‘That explanation sir I regard as a dire and an abominable tissue of poppycock.’

  Before hinting of your close relatives in government tax collecting circles to this type of difficult person, take a good deep breath, blink the eyes as if you did not hear correctly and then in an offhand manner riposte.

  ‘Well, as a matter of fact, I am of unobtrusive origins but I thought it would be skittish and amusing to presume upon your good breeding and a gentleman’s toleration by entertainingly presenting my best efforts of speech to you, sir.’

  The likes of this stubborn individual will no doubt continue to answer you annoyingly. And to imbue him with a peaceful civility it may require your making no bones about being prepared to tingle his ears with a firm fluffing of your gloves about his cheeks.

  In the isolated but special case of Australians, difficulty may arise when your opponent replies to your accent efforts,

  ‘Don’t hand me that shit, digger.’

  Respond gallantly to the purity of the remark.

  ‘It is true that my present accent is acquired but my old one sounds fake and I should not like to do a chap such as yourself an injustice by using it.’

  Upon Embellishing Your Background

  Getting caught out in whopping falsehoods about your background can throw you off stride in making a big social step. People established in social status care bitterly about pedigree and position and care even more about the social status assumed by others as such representations are the very cherished ones upon which they themselves stand. It is prudent to wait a little till some vagueness has set in between your present status and your origins.

  Having obscured yourself well from regrettable or unadvantageous background facts, present your strokes of embellishment in a light hearted manner and in a way that, should dangerous doubt arise, your polite listener will refer to you as ‘painting with a full brush.’ For security reasons distant historical figures are better than current dynastic names to attach to, although the latter if residing in a remote country may be mentioned in the relationship of first cousinhood. Second cousinhood may attach to fairly well established social figures. And third cousinhood to the society leader of the day. Descent from famous explorers, or heads of state can also nicely f
it the bill.

  However, when upon a gala evening you stand by the champagne punch, adorned in decorations and insignia to which you are not entitled, and this regrettable chap wearing tails, adjusting his monocle and rocking on his heels thrusts the following vowels at you.

  ‘You are rather decorated aren’t you.’

  ‘Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.’

  ‘And fully entitled I assume.’

  ‘Well I do feel, as a matter of modesty, that I cannot accept full credit for these distinctions as some of them are hereditary.’

  ‘Do you mean to say, sir, that a previous person is meriting and that you, sir, are posturing.’

  ‘That’s a rotten aspersion.’

  ‘I say there then, from whom are you descended.’

  ‘They got the files mixed up.’

  ‘That, sir, is further inadequate as a reply.’

  ‘Well, I’1l tell you, you see, my ancestor was head of state at the time and because they were out to get him, all the god damn family records were strewn about, lost or burned.’

  ‘Quite as I expected you to say sir.’

  ‘Well, let me also say, buster, that our family motto to which I adhere is two fold and is here presented in bold letters on this card I am shoving in front of your eyes.’

  SELF IS THE EMBLEM ALL

  In the moment or two that it takes your opponent to make head or especially tails of your family motto, refer to his own decorations and press an index finger firmly upon the smallest and state enthusiastically.

  ‘Ah I like that one, I really do.’

  Most pomposities of his calibre will give you an endless song and dance as to how it was awarded, relieving you of further desperate necessity to appear unproved from what you are.

  Upon Embellishing the Area in Which You Reside

  Folk in the right arrondissement know this demarcation within a footstep and will rarely venture into questionable territory. In fact they will stop and shudder in their tracks, bless themselves and retreat backwards pronto. So while taking any big social stride, it’s kind of bad to be caught living in the wrong area. You’re better off in a good district without a pot to piss in than one where you have a receptacle of jade. Although if you have the latter use it plenty wherever you are.

  However, if there is nothing for it and you are there lurking and sneaking around on the wrong side of the tracks, freeway, or river, always refer to it by its proper geographical map name or postal district and avoid euphemisms. Provided you are within polite shouting distance of the border it is permissible to pretend you are in the better of. two areas.

  When no contemporary literary, artistic or show business association can be offered, you’ll usually find, after historically researching the area thoroughly, that someone has had some kind of noteworthy fight there. By describing the battle sites, number of Indians and strategies employed, it’s a nice touch, without stretching it too far, if the winner was an ancestor. If your bigoted listener is totally unimpressed and starts clearing his various throats, instantly hit him with your district’s geology which happens to shield from the harmful radiation he’s getting over on his side of town. It is disheartening if he is your usual obstinate son of a bitch and persists in keeping you in your place. Where of course, in fairness, it must be said you belong, but due to current widespread democracy you plan a change.

  ‘Sir you are living in an unprepossessing neighbourhood.’

  ‘Gee, I’m glad you noticed that.’

  ‘Why.’

  ‘Because I’m really deeply interested in self denial, although the architecture, in spite of being abused, is authentic, and much to my liking.’

  ‘Sir, I regard that as unmitigated nonsense.’

  ‘And you, sir, are hurting my feelings.’

  Although this inflexible bugger will be temporarily nonplussed by your sudden anguish, only moving to his better district will unnerve him.

  Upon Choosing Your Residence

  Although in some cases this may be grossly unfair, you will be immediately classified by the approaches and front elevations. Or if an apartment house or block of flats by the lobby or stoop of your building. Every foot folk have to ambulate, motor, or limp over your property or your management’s to get to you is an invaluable social exaltation and safety precaution.

  If you’re just making it out of lower middle or middle class, the mansion and walled private estate will in most cases have to be left for a later date in your life. However, go house hunting among the really swell places anyway. It is good practice to waltz through magnificently appointed spacious period residences of many exposed timbers, chimneypieces of character and other dignified touches, and which enjoy fine mature unspoilt views in the preferred directions with their additional landscape features. Then when you finally move into your overly boxy more modest residence and your neighbours stand around thinking you’re just like them you can let them know what you nearly bought. This will also drop the hint that they should be prepared for the moment of your future socially upward departure.

  As much as a dump makes them steer clear, a really nice place makes folk like you better. A leafy suburban district among the lawn mowing class with a solid yeomanry is to be preferred. These areas are easily recognised by the chaps you see in the lighter shade of gabardine raincoat, catching the train at the local station and on Saturdays pressing into service their Bermuda shorts to dump their garbage, skiing outfits to shovel their snow, or old school sports attire in raking their leaves. However, in order not to be tricked by some imitator mowing his lawn in old school equipment from a no account school, some brief interrogation may be required. But be considerate when you glide up in your suitably nifty motor to an inhabitant you spot outside his house.

  ‘Hey, excuse me fella. Gee I don’t know how to preface this but what school did you go to.’

  ‘I beg your pardon.’

  ‘You know, your school, I’m thinking of buying a house and I want to be sure I don’t move in among a lot of phonies.’

  Most folk, conscious in the extreme of their neighbourhood status, will take your forthright approach for what it is, a grossly presumptuous impertinence, and in case a deserving umbrage is taken, remain in your car for speedy departure.

  Upon Choosing Your Neighbour

  Right off the bat this could be fatal. You’ll always know, if, when you first clap eyes on him, you can’t sleep that night. His indelible boorish inelegance can really slam your social toes. And such unsatisfactory folk regrettably have implacable social confidence born of their monstrous ignorance and relieved only by a cowardly intelligence.

  In addition to his merry bag of tricks, your loutish neighbour will exhibit astonishing reserves of energy and ingenuity in his unflagging resolve to cut you down to size. After adjoining your favourite flower bed with a pile of his worst garbage he invariably will hang his intimate laundry conspicuously in your view. The prominent depositing of unsavoury human wastes and derelict vehicles will be next on his list of diabolical liberties. Followed by hooting and jeering out his apertures especially on the occasion of one of your social master strokes convening a lot of formally dressed socially superior guests. Not even aged sheep urine squirted by water pistol helps. To beat this bastard you want to get out of there fast into a dwelling centrally situated in an extensive wall enclosed deer park where your Irish wolfhounds gambol freely. Or, as a last extreme and a cheaper method altogether, hire some imported dark complexioned muscle to play dice with his teeth or, in really unimpressionable cases, baseball with his head, Words, even the most embittered, rarely suffice,

  ‘You abominable wretched buffoon, you.’

  ‘Ha ha.’

  ‘You nauseous tiresome contemptible little pipsqueak, you.’

  ‘Ha ha ha. Social climber.’

  Upon Your Residence’s Appurtenances

  To be unerringly certain of setting your social sights straight right from the start, make sure of a butler’s pantry. Knock it
out of walls, squeeze it from a closet, tear it out of a hall, but get one. You can really snow the opposition with this domestic office, especially in a half assed neighbourhood.

  The number of your bathrooms next sets the tone. Under no circumstances, except one, does a four bathroom guy have to take lip from a two bathroom chap. The exception being mansions and castles providing the usual closet with china, pewter or jade pots to piss in. These respectively rate as half, three quarter, and full bathrooms.

  Always be aware that your more sophisticated guests are on the lookout for something charming, A chamber with full panelling will instantly put them at their ease as well as signal your upward mobility. Balconies over sunken living rooms also give you a certain stylish zing, and add that precious touch of drama when ladies, done up to the nines, descend.

  In all cases the old is better than the new except where the new is much better. An original design by an architect is a distinct plus where it isn’t a total minus. That is to say, when your architect is as naïve as you are.

  A dwelling on a housing estate or large development needs a real enhancing boost, not only from your personal charm but by something folk can’t help seeing. Night illumination of some feature in your front elevations goes a long way towards letting folk know you are not content with just the ordinary. Should this cause sneering from passersby or hostile crowds to gather, concentrate on an interior embellishment. Providing plasterworks with deliberate elements of a playful but sculptural boldness in your ceiling cornices will attract your neighbour’s immediate attention when he pops in for a drink.