The Unexpurgated Code

by J. P. Donleavy

  However, in spite of the attendant spiritual tremblings, do try to make an occasion out of it. Folk watching on warmly appreciate a profound if not historic remark, should you really have a damn good one up your sleeve. But beware, the body can be stubborn and right in the middle of expiring it might go on living and your inane statement on your first attempt at dying could make you look a real jerk on your second.

  For the most part your last gasp will be attended by fairly contented people since most folk prefer to see you get the shove unless you’re a really good cook, seamstress, wage earner or piece of arse. The exception is if you’re breathing your last on a pavement or highway in any one of the better known civilized countries in the presence of total strangers. Although their curiosity may produce some pushing and shoving, their sympathy is usually of a higher quality than that of relatives.

  Once it gets going, the body knows how to die and does it all by itself. When enough bad reports sneak back through the synapses, a signal rises like a bubble out of all your troubles and your pumping station closes down. As the blood stops flowing, the light in the brain dims out. However, a not unpleasant mildly sentimental phosphorescence persists. This is the soul. It steers the way as you race towards forever land, wracked with a groaning choking haunting frustration. But don’t panic, there will also be sweet waves of peace overcoming you. And you’ll be shouting. With echoes fading away the names you call. And you’ll be lucky if one of them is socially registered. Because most will resurrect from your discarded catalogue of the bootless and unhorsed. And then you will start running. Chasing down a familiar and unfashionable street trying to catch up to those who were closest to you of all. Don’t be alarmed if your legs have wings, this is, even for the most light footed, quite usual. And there will be a few folk, mostly broom carrying women in aprons, out on their stoops who look up as you flash by.

  Step carefully through the parting in the tall green drapes in front of you. It is extremely bad form to register disappointment if you were expecting something more elaborate like Grand Central Station. Anyway, inside, you won’t know what hit you. When you see the number of other folk standing around nearly from here to Timbuktu. Under no circumstances get on the end of any long queue you spot. But find your bearings by gently enquiring of some nearby soul. Normally booklets are issued at the curtains and it will much benefit you to read the instructions carefully. If you can’t get the hang of these rely on the conduct you have learned in this life. For those of you who are not nude avoid being in any way conspicuous in your attire and ignore the rude and quite unnecessarily diabolic comments usually made to new comers. But to persistent vile lip the brief retort of ‘Get stuffed’ is permissible. Or in reply to simple churlishness enquire ‘Who the hell buried you.’

  If you are really desperate search for a person of noble mien and give him an opportunity to inject a little clarity into one’s confusion.

  ‘Excuse me, but I wonder could you help me find my place.’

  ‘Are you to the manner dead.’

  ‘I beg your pardon.’

  ‘I repeat sir, are you to the manner dead.’

  ‘You mean like one could be to the manner born.’

  ‘Precisely.’

  ‘To hell with that shit. I’m dead, aren’t I. And that’s enough for me.’

  ‘I regret to disturb you sir, but that is not enough for us.’

  This chap of sterling demeanour may just be having a bad day but make sure that the next guy you stop to ask wasn’t of the previously bootless and unhorsed past whom you may have deeply elbowed in this world. And who might now relish the awe inspiring opportunity to tell you to fuck off. However, before turning left between those two large continents of crowds you see and walking for about twenty millenniums, this could be, for those of you who were expecting an afterlife of courtesy, equality and contentment, a good time to break down and cry.

  Wills, Legacies, Chattels

  Keep your dignity here even though other folk are expending any amount of piranhic energy implanting their ungloved lunch hooks into the property left by another. It is of course not stylish to sue over wills but if you don’t you won’t get a red cent.

  Lawyers lick their famished chops over the kind of litigation involving large legacies. The exercise of bloodcurdling greed, blackmail and vituperations you never even dreamt of will be the order of the day. With premises entered, desks jimmied, closets stripped, clothes strewn, trunks kicked open and pockets ripped out of good quality suits. And before somebody else does, it will be an absolute miracle if you can ever lay hands on the deceased’s wrist watch. For some reason, perhaps to do with the urgent march of time, this is the first thing that gets ripped off the deceased.

  Be alert during these amazing descents made by relatives upon the departed’s chattels. You could get your foot broken or even an eye gouged out. And be particularly careful when approaching the deceased’s stack of clothing, that upon innocently picking up a long scarf, suspenders, belts or braces, your opponent hasn’t picked up the other end of it over on his side of the pile and the two of you stand there pulling and tugging for all you’re both worth which by your behaviour is not much. Déclassé proceedings like this can quickly debase into physical violence with blows exchanging right across the middle of the deceased’s tailor made suits and silk shirts. Not nice.

  This doesn’t mean however that you should not try to at least get a semblance of your fair share. And for the really pure of spirit and persons of the haughtiest particularity, it is ofttimes pleasanter straight away upon entering the premises to seek out some large chest of which the drawers or interior have not yet been investigated by the voracious others. Then in clear tones make your position known that you will forsake your share provided you get the chest and its entire contents without ever having to disclose what’s in it. You will be positively thunderstruck at the speed with which every one will drop the Chantilly lace, silverware, candelabra, first editions, Delft and other objets d’art and focus attention on the closed chest. But make sure there’s something good in the chest because folk after some initial agonised soul searching hesitation are going to continue further plundering for what they see glittering in front of their very eyes. Such diabolically vile behaviour, to say the least, casts a pall of troubled anguish over those who held the deceased in high esteem.

  If you think your own heirs are really swell, then upon making provisions for disposal of your own real property heap on the fair play and justice. And keep your final wishes a model of simplicity. Claimants will then have smaller legal expenses when the haggling starts. But when you know that lots of no good bastards are going to end up grappling out of their minds after your leftovers, then really have a ball with the words and legal phrases. Couch your last will and testicle in every damn hooky clause you can think of with a final stream of entangled codicils leaving your stuff to cats, dogs, and even big thriving charities who have lots of lawyers savagely protecting their incredibly honourable interests.

  But there is nothing which will make you turn over in your grave faster than the knowledge of some reprehensible inlaw collecting out of your estate. Imagine the thought of that rotten lot upon your higher graduation putting their boorish feet restfully up on a tall bundle of your bonds, securities and cash. Any old cheap stove bought for the purpose can remedy this by incineration to a fatal grey ash. This carbon residue in turn when deposited in a receptacle marked private and personal and not to be opened till after my death can really get a reaction when finally revealed by your lawyers with a letter reading as follows.

  As from

  The Final Indisposition

  Dear Folks

  Upon disclosure of the contents herein contained it don’t half make me groan with pleasure to hear you groan with pain.

  Yours also in dust

  The Proudly Deceased

  But for god’s sake make sure you’re really dying and get this confirmed by about five doctors before you conduct a conflagrat
ion of your assets. Even so, beware, for following the destruction of these, the acute anxiety caused thereby has a way of arousing one’s survival instincts so strongly that one might go on living without a pot to piss in. For the same reason never sign over anything on your death bed. Should you recover, they’ll throw you the hell into the poor house or any god damn place they can get rid of you into. Without even, needless to say, your favourite candies to go with you.

  Suicide

  Be neat when ending it all. It is exceedingly perverse to leave one’s remains in an unlovely condition or where your corpse is likely to cause distressing nuisance. Even if it means an irritating postponement or inconvenience, always plan an appropriate time and place to kill yourself. Especially avoid any impromptu on the spur of the moment leavetakings involving rail tracks. These often become impulse sites for a permanent departure. Thereby causing disquieting delays for others who with urgent deals or love trysts pending may still have a lot to live for.

  On no account can it be accepted as thoroughbred to use shot gun blasts at close range particularly upon the skull where it knocks hell out of your afterlife phosphorescence. There exists a wide range of other suitable weapons and vulnerable body sites which can achieve the desired dispatch. An elegantly embellished revolver firing straight into your heart a platinum plated bullet engraved with your armorial bearings is a stylish and dignified finishing stroke. A chaise longue is a markedly suitable setting for this type of exit.

  It is seemly if your method of death is in keeping with your qualities as a person. But not, however, if you are a bit of a bungler and botcher. There is nothing more dumb brained than taking a jump to hang yourself and ending up suspended under the armpits half strangling on some coat hook without a hope of dying. If this is the kind of carnival joke you’re likely to perform, try free fall bridge departure over open waters. There are many architecturally fine high spans offering this opportunity but as they were not designed for this purpose make sure you’re not impeded by an embellishment before hitting pay dirt or water. Additionally, some bridge sites offer the presence of sharks which make away with remains and this especially assists those without previous disposal plans with a reputable undertaker. However, if inadvertently you should execute a perfect olympic dive be prepared for bobbing back up in the water alive. Although a good punch on the nose is supposed to scare sharks away, these fish are notoriously unpredictable. And you may be suddenly glad to also be an olympic sprint swimmer.

  Building jumping is most appropriately done from high up in the best financial districts where pedestrians are used to that kind of thing. It is really déclassé in other areas where it may attract a large gathering. The sense of power it incites in one is particularly unbecoming as you stand up there looking down on a sea of spellbound faces with the peanut and pretzel vendors making sales on the edge of the crowd. Even though your performance is without fee it is simply quite unchic to loll around toying with the public’s attention, making yourself a socially diminished spectacle of conceit. Especially when leaning poised but teetering just that little bit extra out over the parapet with the crowd absolutely going out of its mind with gasps of suspense. Followed then by their groans of disappointment as you sway backwards to safety again. Instead of finally jumping you should join a circus.

  In cases where your desire to exit this world has been provoked by many months of low down shabby treatment from the boys in the office, building jumping is permissible from your place of work. As this is your own little way of getting back at these horrid types, you may indulge to the full any parapet tricks you may have up your sleeve. And departing on your last wingless flight, be assured that it really does throw an incredible pall over the staff which can easily persist for hours on end. Although you may not be around to see it after you’ve been scraped up, many will descend on the elevator more slowly than you did in free flight to examine where you collided with the pavement. And they will express their surprise at how perfectly clean the spot is where hardly a trace of you now remains.

  Poisons, usually of the old fashioned variety, which disfigure the facial expression, must be rated as an ungraceful leavetaking. On the whole, they make for a rather contorted goodbye. So too do the various methods of strangling which cause eye bulging and ghastly grimace. Crushing and squashing in spite of erasing one’s expression should also be avoided as they leave a diabolically shocking flatness to be scratched up. Self destruction by suttee and disembowelling are dramatic but go unappreciated except in the countries where these are an accepted means of attaining your higher graduation. Although not disclosing that it is planned for this purpose, your local travel agent will be glad to arrange a leisurely trip and your heirs should be entitled to claim reimbursement for the return journey.

  Requiring some self control, holding your head under water is not an unpleasant way to go. Once the first thirst quenching lungful is aboard, this initial gulp and gasp relaxes the synapses rapidly into a rather pleasant swirling sleep. Gas is another method affording some peaceful reverie before drifting off. Except of course where certain vapours in contact with a spark can incite a condition which can make yours and maybe a few of the neighbours’ ascent into the last darkness take place with amazing velocity.

  Although of classical significance heinous procedures such as the holding of one’s nose and jumping into a den of rattlers, gaboon vipers or mambas is certain to make decent minded people in a free society wonder what the hell kind of perverted problems you are trying to tear yourself permanently away from. Dispatch in the industrial manner known as the Scandinavian blast must also be considered outré, involving as it does a stroll down the boulevard smoking a stick of dynamite disguised as a cigar usually carrying an excellent brand name. Although sending you in a lot of simultaneous directions it is an extremely unchic way of heading for the happy humping ground.

  For the connoisseur, ending it all at sea is the height of particularity. A late autumn westward sailing from the old to the new world with a trunk load of tweed suitings for hurricane deck constitutionals is your man. Your moment of adieu should be chosen as that least objectionable to one’s fellow first class passengers and should always be taken in black tie from the lonelier starboard side. Imbibe your usual amounts of snuff and after dinner port. Don’t be afraid of enjoying these last days. They can be the happiest of your life. However do not accept an invitation to sit at the captain’s table and beware of getting totally caught up in shipboard activities, especially ping pong tournaments and games, the outcome of which may delay your earthly exit till it’s time to dock. Romance too should be avoided unless it is one of those heart palpitating wild mad grabbing one night stands tumbling and crashing in various frissonic crescendoes all over the state room. These fleshy shenanigans often add an aura of tender poignance to your last goodbye as well as to your brief partner’s memory of you. But do avoid inciting gossip which will make your gymnastic companion, left behind, the subject of speculation as to what the hell she did to make you go over the side.

  As your remaining shipboard days unfold with your grave just a jump away, continue your brisk morning walks on deck before breakfast. The salt ocean spray on your cheeks and fresh air in your lungs will raise a marvellous appetite. Afternoons in your deck chair read from the minor to the great poets and contemplate that the sea will soon be your own private memorial. But don’t allow this to make you eerie. Nor take your dive too early in the voyage to depress everyone for the rest of the trip.

  On the edge of the Gulf Stream about three hundred miles south of Nova Scotia is the best spot. The sea temperature will be about ten degrees centigrade and the depth plenty deep at thirteen thousand feet. Then following a simple but nourishing champagne meal of caviar, pressed duck, and asparagus, ending with strawberries and cream, take a final blast of cognac, round off with a few turns on the dance floor with your companion pal provided you have the self control to avoid being tugged down to her state room for another blazing event. If she
persists in hugging you excuse yourself for a series of long distance telephone calls and take a running hurdle at the railings just before three a.m.

  Tips for your cabin steward and others who have rendered signal service should be left placed prominently in your state room. It is sporting to leave an amount covering the full journey. But make sure your steward has retired for the night as it is essential your premature gratuities do not result in the raising of the man overboard alarm. It really is embarrassing to be rescued and fished out amid all the search lights with the remainder of the trip a nightmare of whispers and pointings every time you want a breath of fresh air at the ship’s rails.

  With your departure succeeding unnoticed you will land up to your scalp in the ocean. If you have avoided testicular concussion by shielding your billiards with cupped hands you will at first feel a painfree clutching sensation as you watch the liner make its way away like an illuminated fairy tale city trailing a great boiling white wake on the midnight depths. You may also think you hear the fading strains of the dance band. This is extremely unlikely but indeed you may count upon sniffing a fume or two from the vessel’s turbines. In any event an awesome sense of peace will be yours paddling there in the extremely chilly water and you will be astonished as you come to profound terms with yourself at how much pleasure your own company will give you at this time.

  Parting Words, Gestures, Apparel and Conversations

  Proper care should be given to one’s clothing at the time of one’s deliberate demise. Informality is permissible for gassing and poisoning. For jumping and hanging, stick with sports apparel. Nudity, unless for drowning in the privacy of one’s bath, always denotes an unpleasant characteristic in the deceased.