The Unexpurgated Code

by J. P. Donleavy

  Those who survive their ordeal by swallowing one another, often without salt or other condiments, should be allowed to lead normal lives afterwards. Harassment by relatives who may resent you for downing their nearest and dearest is to be expected. Especially the gobbling up of a chap’s good looking really curvaceous wife. It is understandable that one may shrink from these folk should they approach and stare overlong at one’s figure, even though you have left their relative’s bones and teeth behind. Remember, in effect, you are now a walking cemetery. And it is not without possibility that the bereaved may want to kneel and pray at your feet, burn candles on your shoe tips or place a wreath of flowers on your back. Be mindful to be understanding at these times. Take such adoration and decoration in the spirit in which it is meant, it is the least you can do and you have your own life to thank for it.

  In cases where in a public place a grab is made at your person and you hear a scream loud and clear.

  ‘This fat on you is my Herbie. I want him back.’

  If the lady making this not utterly impossible demand is comely enough, here is your opportunity. Repair somewhere suitably private and there on the bed or over dressing tables or upon chairs, as she might prefer, you will be able to at least tender to her some vestige of Herbie diffused in your body. However do not take it amiss, when in her paroxysms she groans her dead husband’s name. But do seek immediate advice should answering shouts come out of your stomach.

  The Duel

  For the purpose of inciting such, the chamois gloves should always be carried on your person. Upon being affronted by the blatant instance of a chap’s déclassé demeanour, the gloves are slowly pulled by the open end, never by the fingers, from the left lower waistcoat pocket. Advance upon the fellow. Raise your wrist with the gloves suspended from your down flexed fingers and flick the chamois forward upon your opponent.

  The area to be fluffed and peppered is first that of the cheeks, especially the hollows, then lower your attack to the jaws followed by a final vibration at the neck area just under the chin. If your chap has pendulant jowls and other incapacitations brought on by wine, food, worry and women, so much the better. Clearly he is in need of a moral correction and there is nothing like mortal combat to excite and inspire the spiritual condition. Besides, the bevy of babes who have spent most of this guy’s money will always think it is high time for his comeuppance.

  In many circles these days a man’s honour is considered less valuable than his hide, and often chaps will remain cringingly silent to your challenge. In such cases another glove fluffing and peppering of your fellow’s tonsil area and your abrupt departure noisily clearing your throat, is sufficient disgrace. However, should you be the recipient of such glove quivering about the face don’t wait till your chap is oscillating the chamois under your ear lobes but announce firmly.

  ‘Sir make known your weapon.’

  Of course one of today’s wise guys is likely to zip open his flies. Let this poseur know immediately that this is a deadly serious business he has brought upon himself and dismiss his obscene overtness with a riposte.

  ‘Sir, although an improvement upon your face, it would be as well if your flies were closed before some amputation by swinging you bodily in a circle should happen.’

  Posh hotel lavatory attendants who accuse you of stealing latrine combs, unless they are possessed of a pedigree, and quite astonishingly some are, are to be merely dismissed with a firm shove on the shoulder backwards into a basin or bowl he has recently filled. The throwing of one of his towels after him completes this little bit of instant justice. Which may also apply in the cases of footmen and other menials who have the audacity to level at you some sneaky jeer or irreverence.

  The subject of a duel should be to satisfy aspersions cast upon your haughty particularity or that of a lady. Of course one is always tempted to deflate some tiresome upstart’s puffed up presence and certainly this is permissible in cases where a chap is foolhardy enough to sigh because he’s heard the story you’re telling, twice before. Especially in one’s club, where many things which may be said to one while out proceeding in public may never be voiced. And certainly not without the retribution of formal combat with deadly weapons.

  There are occasions when formal steps towards a challenge to a duel may be temporarily frustrated. One such is a confrontation with a behemoth, who may, before you can get your gloves out, be picking you up in his hands and compressing you to a phosphorescence in his eager fingers. And what’s more is about to wring your neck in about another micro second. Naturally one does not want the elitist formality of one’s challenge to be fussed by such unleashing of some towering bastard’s uninhibited violence. Therefore, as the guy’s size and occasion demand, keep your distance. Of course this will be aided by the tendency felt in one’s toes to step even farther back. But it is de rigueur to stand your present ground absolutely. Vigorously shake and flap your chamois gloves high in the air. Onlookers will understand your first flush of cowardice while you announce your challenge. But this demand for satisfaction had better be in rapid fire word formation because the behemoth will be looking for gaps in your syllables to shoot one of his great paws between and possibly wrench you into two or more parts.

  ‘Sir do not think for one second that I am in the least terrified by your size, or bulging muscles, or that you may be the member of an athletic club where you have skilled yourself in killer techniques. Therefore I am suggesting, sir, that you repeat your insult to me in another aspect of voice, which if I deem it less contrary to my honour, I will forgive you absolutely.’

  Your little speech will more than likely be met by the behemoth’s sarcastic laughter and since there is no point in dying for a lost cause which may be your neck, be ready to make a run for it. But there’s a chance the monster will listen attentively bemused by the considerable elegance of your accent. Keep talking until such time as he has finished smiling.

  Then get ready for his lunge, which if you are deliriously lucky will only tear off your lapels. Your solo hope may now be if you are a slightly built lady killer whose most recent deeply contented female companion is present at your side and who will now leap forward in screaming wildcat fashion and scratch the big ape’s cheeks for him till his facial expression looks like an arab israeli chess board.

  At the Duelling Site

  For death dealing weapons, the area chosen should be in the openness of a glade sheltered by trees and free of public traffic. The grass should not be too long so that when folk are stretched out with gashes or gaping holes, bugs can’t easily jump up into the wounds. If the ground has been worn smooth by previous duels, choose a spot free of blood so that in shedding yours there is no historical confusion as to the place where you died.

  Proceed in front of your seconds. One of the latter carrying a smaller sized samovar for indulging hot refreshment while assistants are examining weaponry, is a nice touch. Keep your composure at all costs. The fact that the both of you have shown up means you share at least a bond of bravery if not lunacy of mind. At dawn of course there will be some chill and some shivering will be apparent in your adversary. Do not take comfort from this. But if your own knees are knocking draw your cloak around you and recall that in the privacy of your fencing room or shooting range you have become a deadly marksman capable of springing a leak with blade or bullet in an auricle or ventricle of your choosing.

  If your gun or sword hand still keeps shaking try to take in a soothing moment of nature. Some kind of a bird is bound to be around somewhere. And at least a few of these winged creatures should be melodically singing at this time of morning. If they’re not it’s a sign of bad luck for somebody. But the other guy if he has a vestige of sense should be scared shitless too especially as at any moment you might both be arrested.

  Should your opponent be a buck of sporting blood he will have chosen rapiers. He’ll also know there is an endless supply of guys like you and that he could not go on just killing them all one after a
nother. Especially with a lot of other daily trivialities to suffer from the guys back at the office. So a few nicks here and there and a drop or two of blood from non vital parts will suffice to satisfy one’s esteem. Bullets, particularly of a forty five calibre variety which go off in the breech like cannons and can send your whole liver a mile backwards ruptured in two parts by your spine, never leave much room for noble moments. Such as a stepping back when your adversary goes down momentarily on the greasy grass and maybe, if he’s amateurish, getting a stick of his own blade up the arse. Although he will not be inclined to laugh along with you about this indignity he will appreciate your not swiping off an ear or two. Following this kind of blasé gallantry, and provided combatants have some class affinity, such a noble gesture can lead to the joining of strong enduring acquaintanceships.

  Conduct your swordsmanship coolly. Shaking and brushing your hair out of your eyes every few moments is a sign of timidity as well as having a bad barber. And also a way of encouraging early death. Avoid the angry impetuous thrust. Parry till you get your opponent’s measure. Jump way back or bizarrely to the side once in a while to see if it will make him do something really stupid. Of course thereby, you may end up yourself doing something hysterically inane. And your opponent, luxuriating in this, will guffaw. Then, by god, carve him. A swipe, fingernail thickness deep, diagonally downwards across the chest really gets the message home. Ideally his garment should flap open exposing the flesh where the thin line of your incision slowly oozes blood. He will look down unless he is a very cool customer indeed. Then notch him again. Just as a reminder that there is a lot more where that came from. And that his fly buttons, chillingly one by one, may be the next to go.

  Should the unfortunate happen and your man succeed in laying you open in a mortally incapacitating way, wait with dignity to be dispatched by his sword. It is not done to beg for mercy. Or to exhibit fear or concern even though you may feel deeply agonized about getting the chop. However, in the eventuality happily encountered, that you are to be given a gentleman’s chance to come out of the proceedings with your life, do not rush attempting to shake the guy’s hand. Spilling gratitude all over the place is tawdry at this time. Just a civil nod will do. Later your seconds can deliver the chap a really corking bottle of vintage port.

  If your wounds have merely been superficial, following combat, always retire for a hot bath. Don’t stint scenting the water with selected oils of perfume. Although you may have had some of the stuffing and pride punctured out of you, still you did not falter. A fight lost but fought with both courage and fair play is an honourable comeuppance. But beware. The rest of the world will only care about your winner’s laurels. And the sooner you literally cut the shit out of some new fucker, the better, because before you know it you’ll be inundated by a bunch of opportunists who now think that sticking a foil up your whammo scalammo is a nice way to pretend they’re eating canapés. And they could come in droves fluffing and peppering your adam’s apple till it’s utterly polished red.

  To avoid lethalities other weapons to be considered are boxing gloves, sling shots, pea shooters, water pistols and the testicle twisting practised by the ancient Firbolg. This latter is, however, nearly as bad if not worse than being killed, and only those possessed of elastically robust and leathery testicles should consider it a mode of combat satisfying one’s honour. Underripe grapes are generally the best ammunition to be used in the pea shooter. The grape splattering on your opponent’s forehead and the acidly unripe contents seeping down into his eyes will temporarily blind him thus allowing more forceful measures to be introduced for his chastisement.

  Water pistols have the advantage of being able to carry a liquid varying in preferred degrees of noxiousness to suit the seriousness of the combat. One may vary from vinegar, across a whole phalanx of unpleasant urines including yak, goat, wolfhound to various dilutions of sulphuric acid. Make sure the plunger of your water pistol is airtight. There is nothing more dispiriting than the arc of one’s squirt falling short of the mark and maybe, in the case of acid, only eating a hole through your adversary’s flashy shoe tips, or worse, your own conservative ones. However should your opponent lean backwards laughing, hurry forward a few paces and give him a right old mouthful. This is an exceedingly appropriate basting for a lot of your fops and déclassé popinjays perving around these days.

  Impromptu Combat

  Although one is used to the bluff inherent in the litany.

  ‘Come and say that outside.’

  Or if you are outside,

  ‘Come and say that to my lawyer.’

  Nevertheless violence may not be far away especially when encountering the explosive rage smouldering inside those manoeuvring a motorized vehicle. Usually occasioned by some son of a bitch cutting in front of you or stealing your parking space just as you are about to turn into it. Often a highly polished blue black automatic pistol taken from your glove compartment is the only pacifier unless your opponent is also taking aim with his revolver. In which case you must silence him between the eyes before he springs an unwanted leak in you.

  If matters have not already been irrevocably settled by the bang bang of see through perforations, the raising to your lips of an artifact resembling a microphone into which it would appear you are speaking and which also conveys an indication that it will summon the instant descent of a dozen henchmen with their usual assortment of knuckle dusters, axe handles and bicycle chains, can often make your disobliging adversary steer into a direction delivering him from your area of annoyance fast.

  Other cases of fist flying can arise when unseemly chaps barge in front of you, take without leave your seat, churlishly demand service out of turn or put their foot over the coin you just dropped or elbows or prods while you all crowd towards some sporting fixture. Signify by a thunderously glowering look that just another hair’s breadth hint of his aggression will incite to toupee ripping or in the case of a fellow with a full head of hair, the imminent need of a toupee. Your accent and cavalry twill suit aided and abetted by your demeanour of elegant fair play will also heap suitable chastisement along with the hint of your charm and wealth nicely couched in the phrase.

  ‘Ruffian most odious.’

  If your adversary stands there in his splashily cut garments shouting that he is an expert in one of the arts of self defence and has qualified to the high entitlement of a pink, black, blue, or green belt or other glorified gladiatorial status, and that you had better watch out, jeeringly protrude your tongue at him. This has a way of defusing your opponent’s killer instinct by delighting him with your seeming vulnerability. Reinforce this by stepping back two paces. And then wade in doubling over this objectionable bully with a body fusillade of left and right hooks which amply contuse the ganglia of your man’s abdominal viscera.

  Being able to think you can give a fierce account of yourself is nearly better than even being able to. And schooling at a good athletic club in the manly art of self defence increases this illusion plus it might possibly scare somebody by lending a jauntiness to your gait. If after months of instruction you’re not even able to hurt a fly and you’ve failed miserably with all other instructed methods of ancient jaw splintering, eye gouging, and shoulder dislocating, you may, if not absolutely enfeebled, find that perfecting an old fashioned one footer boot up the commoner’s balls is as good as anything.

  When attacked by street gangs, keep your wits about you. Usually the smallest and weakest member of these marauders is first encouraged forward to taunt and jeer before the gang take their more serious steps in beating, stabbing or stomping you to death. Your refined accent and clothes will further delight the kids with the prospect and their smallest member will demonstrate this enthusiasm by dancing a series of tricky feints accompanied by bizarre footwork conducted right under your very nose.

  Laughingly show your amusement with this exhibition. And then suddenly without warning grab this smart assed little kid by the scruff and spin him around with you
r forearm choked across his throat so that his tongue is sticking out a mile and his face is turning alternate shades of purple and blue. As he gasps helplessly for breath while his eyeballs get ready to pop from his sockets like red hot fried corn, smile indulgently at the gang. They will be dumbfoundedly facing this surprise display of your ferocity with a plaintive sheepishness you’ll hardly believe.

  Let the situation sink nicely in. Then announce in a calm voice to your now horrified listeners that their friend gets the chop if anyone of them moves the merest degree of an inch. Don’t be afraid of using freely descriptive adjectives of the heinously vile manner in which this little kid will die if the whole gang doesn’t retreat back step by step while you count these off in a booming voice ONE TWO THREE and so forth until they are out of revenging distance. But leave at least a slight trace of hope in your voice. Gangs always highly regard their mascot member and hate to see his life snuffed out right in front of their very eyes.

  Another method of defending against the gang is to taunt their biggest and toughest who will as a result rush you. Grab this loutish behemoth by the belt and tug yourself in to him close. In his feverished attempt to knock your head off he will land his punches on other members of the mob presently descending upon you from behind. As the melee thickens the whole gang will end up in one great writhing heap. But keep your head down while you get a really marvellous laugh out of this mad spectacle. Plus the extra amusement occasioned by the damage you can do to private parts is nobody’s business. When you have the whole bloody bunch disabled, stomp a few outstretched fingers for good measure and stealthily creep away in case any other gangs are lurking nearby.