The Unexpurgated Code

by J. P. Donleavy

  FORGIVE ME

  you fuckers

  This plea really shakes the neighbours and especially the ones who crawl up close to read the small print. With shutters open and shades raised again, they’ll soon tire of watching you read the newspaper over your martini as if nothing had happened. And throwing your head back with a few guffaws every time you turn a page, will send them rushing to read their own papers. When they come back to stare at you again, be standing at your own window making a mute screaming face. Although this mock drollness will suggest that your ego has been kicked into total disarray, nevertheless the neighbours might believe that from the pieces, a brand new ethical correct person could emerge.

  These antics of course are not possible living in a block of flats. However, luckily, you can cast such a contaminating moral pall over the whole building that it will make everybody coming and going look bad and you’ll hardly as a result seem much worse. But no matter where you are the neighbourhood kids go on jeering you. Be understanding about this. It’s always such a relief when kids find someone else they think is an even bigger shit than their own pop.

  If the community is giving you the silent treatment you might try sounding a few ear piercing shrieks on a boatswain’s whistle as you pass by. This only momentarily makes them think thoughts of your possible mental instability. But confirmation comes when you run your remote control lawn mower right clean over a goodly section of your neighbour’s gladioli. Not only will the resulting plentysome verbiage breach the silence but it will also provide you with a chance to get in a few cutting remarks.

  If all else fails to reestablish you in the community, a few medical practitioners followed by funeral directors gravely coming and going from your house while your curtains are drawn and you hide, is a good touch and shows you are well and truly dying of shame. And nobody likes to kick a man when he’s down unless it’s the only way of keeping him there.

  Euthanasia

  To work in the proper spirit this painless putting to death of the suffering incurable requires folk to be at hand who genuinely like the subject. But it is not nice to assume that someone needs this without asking them first if they’d like to try it. Otherwise you’d likely find in a hurry that a lot of your unsuffering people were getting it incurably in the neck.

  Once having agreed to your demise, it is not then done to resist at the last moment, as this puts a person doing you this favour into a very awkward position should others not in on your extinction walk in the door. Just make damn sure that in being put out of your misery, you are not heading for even more in the hereafter.

  Posterity

  Is that conception where less of you is now than you hope there’ll be later when you like to think now there’ll be a lot when more than likely there will be even less than fuck all. But do all you can for the sake of it because there will always be plenty of low down shabby people blackening your name.

  Vilenesses Various

  Farting

  In ancient times this feature of personal metabolism was esteemed an expression of the conscience as having just let off steam. And with so much artificial air around these days one would have thought sending forth wind from the anus was at least a bolt of something natural if not fresh. But this stinkingly difficult habit is sometimes a noisesome one as well. And in most haughty circumstances it is not nice to be caught at. But provided you keep it quiet one is not normally ostracized from good society.

  There are however awkward environs for the sounding and the fuming of the fart. Namely during lectures on art, largo passages in symphonies, high points of religious ceremony, or when another is spiritually transported in the rapturous delirium of orgasm. It is however a reprehensible act in airless conditions encountered on tightly crowded public transport as well as stationary elevators. Not to mention saunas which can occasion the dreadful stifling phenomenon of the Baked fart. In supersonic aircraft it may be regarded as an extremely revolting and tiresome form of aggression, especially coming from businessmen in a hurry who should know better. But emanating from a breathtakingly beautiful woman you might, if so aromatically disposed, make no effort whatever to stop breathing.

  Never admit to farting even if there are only two of you. If this is going to really make you look like a liar, a flustered pretence of searching for an imaginary gas seepage between the floorboards with the attendant turning up your own nose in disbelief at that horrid smell is a proper demonstration of innocence preventing blame and embarrassment. This ruse will of course be understood by other fair minded farters. Who know what it feels like to be the object of unflattering attention.

  The silently emitted fart has some advantage in that it gives no prior warning or instant identification of the guilty party. But such meekly brought forth fumes are, in some informed circles, held as being more odoriferous and can, as folk unmistakably grimace, produce an atmosphere of greater inelegance than those which come out with a bang. But it is never done to deliberately blast one with a window shivering report in the hope of its being less ill fragrant or that the detonation will beguile folk into thinking so.

  Which brings one to those boorish and unscrupulous farters who plead that their rear fanfares are a sign of welcome and friendship. Some even going so far as to imitate the rare wailing love call of some musk secreting invertebrates. Of course in some primitive climes this form of personal gas dispersal is indeed regarded as a demonstration inviting of intimacy. But these are far off tropical places not subject to the tight squeeze of the modern up to date world where it can result in a whole bunch of people crying out in plain accent

  ‘Hey holy cow I want pronto out of here.’

  Or in pukka.

  ‘I say, this is uncommonly foul.’

  For parlour games the fart may of course have a truly entertaining social use. There are the few who through the fine adjustment of certain muscles can use the anus as a solo instrument, even to rendering syncopated chords. If you are gifted in this respect make certain that your audience is musically sophisticated enough to appreciate this rare form of concert instrumentalization, otherwise you might be superficially regarded as being merely a filthy disgusting person.

  Those possessed of the singular ability to send messages in anal morse code should in playing any guessing game devised to suit this knack, always avoid transmitting anything, which when decoded, is offensive. And there are still others, who can, by the use of a match, create minor explosions with attendant flames whose colours can be varied from blast to blast. Should this latter be your métier do please temper the discharge in a manner so as not to tremble your host’s windows or injure one of the guests who of course will be put to the temerity of having to explain the origin of the hurt.

  Upon initial intimacy with another, one naturally attempts a standard of fastidiousness which upon prolonged and better acquaintance one may tend to relent of. However, in the early stages one is frequently confronted with having to battle a bottled up fart. Leading as these can, to an unconscious irritability, there is nothing worse than this kind of discomfort. If unable to remove yourself from the company you are in, it is best to take the bull by the horns and effuse a ceremoniously loud one with pride. If followed immediately by the expletive

  WHOOPS

  which also smilingly should escape from your lips, your personal audience who hopefully will be cultivated and stylish will present you with an appreciative response, and perhaps a little patter of clapping.

  In times of social distress, especially occasioned during introductions, some persons of extremely shy nature cannot for the life of them control emitting a wind upon the mention of their surnames. This is a well known disability. And for those so stricken the only defence is to continue looking pleased and brave your way through the agonizing period during which everyone is wondering who the hell it was who laid that one. Should the latter gas disperse these tentative friends, you would be well advised to find yourself a more socially confident crowd.

  Farting
upon meal completion in the confines of the dining room is another unfortunate moment. Further fermented by previously consumed ingredients and topped off with vintage port, brandy and cigars, which calorifics, in concert, have a way of adding not only impact to the concussion elements of the egress but also to the acerbic fustiness of its fume. Which put more forcefully means that from a full fed gentleman of long term epicurean indulgence, you could be gassed stupid and reeling before you got as far as the withdrawing room to join the fortunately absent ladies. The host should brook no delay in opening a door or window as air conditioning systems often abet the noxiousness. And as it’s damn sure not a life giving elixir, the usual normal nicety of sportingly tolerating the post prandial vapours may be understandably forgone. Indeed chaps, still with their wits about them, have been known to take to hand a Meissen figurine to smash a pane or two. Menthol inhalation is suggested for those already collapsed.

  Deportment concerning lovers’ and marital farts will frequently depend upon their place of emission and upon the degree of emotional harmony between the parties. When an uncontrollable one threatens to let loose under the bedcovers, it is de rigueur to turn immediately upon your side which allows your trumpet to face away from your opponent. Gently lift the covers to make an opening to the outside air. Silence the fart by pressing apart the cheeks with the longer index fingers. Then with these precautionary dampers in force, let go as inaudibly as you can. Unless there is a breeze blowing, the lukewarm fume will rise harmlessly to the bedroom ceiling and if lethal enough, will there usefully asphyxiate the mosquitoes. But should you accidentally let off an uncontrolled bomb which awakens your sleeping opponent and they are maritally abusive of you, openly referring to your filthy disgusting habits, it is permissible to classically riposte.

  ‘My soul speaks when my mouth knows the moment is too divine for words.’

  In mixed drawing room conversational company where candlelight helps incinerate the fume, the fart to be preferred is a ladylike fart known as The Nert or Chirping fart. This backfired cheep, high pitched in frequency and resembling that of a small bird in song, not only can be an endearing feminine feature, but should, like The Whispering or Purring fart also practised by well bred ladies, be emulated by gentlemen who may in all their other activities be robust but prefer a refined indoor demeanour.

  Out of doors, with the world abundance of leafage greenery which absorbs human gases, shrinking, the fart is now a far more significant matter than heretofore. On rural roads on windless days when you know other walkers are following, one should, on the pretext of examining a plant, release gas well off the road. For this purpose an interest in botany should always be part of your pursuits. Farting is fine while shooting but not while stalking. However fox hunting serves as an ideal milieu for the release of almost any kind of fart you care to mention as most mounts galloping across fields or jumping hedges bang out a barrage various during which ladies and gentlemen alike may let go with abandon their own prized ones.

  For your own safety if not edification it is best to have some idea of the various types and brand names of wind releases which are, in circles of the most haughty particularity, always referred to as personal breezes. The Percolating fart is of little distinction except that it should never be confused with The Stammering fart, the former being popped from folk who haven’t a clue to finer farting and the latter being a fart practised by folk whose personalities are predominantly amusing. The Stammering fart will mostly be met along with The Morse in diplomatic circles, but the latter is greeted with some suspicion as it is often a method of communication between spies. It is most easily perfected by those capable of The Stammering fart.

  Other farts, whose names speak for themselves are The King, The Blaster, The Flash, The Fake, and The Farewell. Except for The Fake these are all fulsome without being overly frouzy and are normally met with at weekend country house parties. Especially where an interesting cross section of people are gathered from the more rakish walks of life. Take note that the high pitched Beep fart denotes someone extremely fit.

  The farts to be avoided are The Foghorn, perpetrated by the boorish, and The French, this latter being only exceeded in objectionability by The Swiss and Austrian which farts are individually extremely soul corroding fetid depth bombs. The Sleeper, so called because of its slow permeating somewhat suffocating quality, is also a rough one. But nothing anywhere matches The Requiem, or The Royal, which usually silently creep out upon the atmosphere with such immense lurking lethality that one should instantly seek egress from the area and not return until someone in gear suitably protective has given the all clear especially where there has been the copious eating of sauerkraut, onions, garlic or aromatic meats and care needs be taken to protect the eyes from smarting. Needless to say the perpetrators of these, the ‘R’ farts, are persons of the very highest social calibre and you may find yourself in protocol difficulties when trying to withdraw from them but if you don’t you may be facing medical problems instead.

  Among the upper echelons of rank where haughty particularity is often times utterly dehumanizing, farting can bring to relationships a heartening reassurance of some basic equalities shared by the most privileged down to that of the most humble. But again even in this eruptive capacity, an inequality exists. For should it be a contest of gaseous lethality opposing that of mere rear obstreperousness the upper classes can, with their caviar fed pungencies, knock hell out of the cabbage stuffed commoner herd.

  Bodily Stench

  Persons who sally forth in their daily pursuits especially those attempting advancement among the semi executive gang around the office should try to avoid stinking to high heaven. For after a preliminary sniff or two most people will not stand near enough to you to listen to what you’re saying and you could end up getting not only hoarse from shouting but also fired.

  The worst fumes are carried in continually worn undergarments which absorb rancidities from the vaporous areas under the arms and between the legs. In warm enclosed places these reasty gases finally rise up through the rest of the clothing. However one can by prolonged fermentation carefully cultivate an acceptable odour out of one’s overall fulsomeness which resembles the not unpleasant smell of new mown hay.

  But, except to maybe some insanely deprived and perverted yokel, a stranger’s reeking armpit is usually not a source of pleasure to another. Pits shaved of hair which then have deposited upon them chemical deodorants can without malice aforethought literally gassify anyone who may have been merely in pursuit of a little sexually stimulating musky fume. Where the pubic hair is shaved from the pudenda either for laughs or lust it too should be kept free of artificial smell killers and, in general, like all the body bifurcations, should be rinsed clean more than once in a blue moon using only the purest of soaps.

  If you are happily possessed of such endearing and entertaining eccentricities that others will suffer your stinking aerodynamics for the sake of the love of your company, then it is only fair and reasonable to warn folk when the socks covering your feet have long since gone stiff and green through continued wear. It is well known that seating such persons in front of the drawing room fire with their shoes off and their footsies toasting has produced a stench which can make a Requiem fart seem like a tea rose. As this often necessitates the redecoration of the room as well as a revarnishing of the furniture, don’t hesitate to heap abuse on the vile, low, shabby, inglorious perpetrator. If you do have the nerve to bring awash bowl for such feet make sure after transporting the socks on the end of a shovel, to bury them deep.

  Bad Breath and Toothpicks

  Vile odour of the mouth is a feature of folk greedy beyond belief and generally deeply obnoxious in other respects. And far away from such sorts you should be delighted to keep. However, sweet breathers may communicate to the unsweet by megaphone in the following manner.

  ‘Sir, forgive my timorous approach but I know you would like to forgo the litigation attendant upon my injury occasioned by fa
inting backwards when close up blasted by your exhalation.’

  Although there is no reason to avoid breathing on people who have, in other multiple respects, just finished pissing and shitting on you, nevertheless if you just so happen to be a nice guy who is stricken with unwholesome breath which sends everyone you meet reeling back ten feet, your fumes can be disguised by chewing down plenty of raw onions and garlic. The reek of these strongly scented root fruits delights certain folk when detected on the breath. Should you end up being crowded with a gang trying to lean a nose into your face, the taking of curiously strong peppermints will help deter these admirers.

  Foul mouth conditions are also incited by putrefactive aggregates in teeth fissures which can also lead to your being one hell of an ordeal close up. And this is when your toothpick should be brought into play. Avoid exerting leverages with the mouth gasping open thereby permitting the sudden springboard effect of spitting out debris which may strike another intently dining nearby right smack bang on the lip or eye. In which case, instantly proffer your regret.

  ‘Hey gee fella, I really am sorry, let me wipe you off.’

  Expect however, some unappreciative folk to respond as they gather themselves up to beat it.

  ‘Jesus, stay away from me.’

  Or in pukka.

  ‘I say, good god, you tiresome person, don’t you dare.’