The Heart of the Matter

by Lindsay Armstrong

  'I'll get you a drink,' she said huskily at last. 'You look as if you could do with one. I'm ... I'm very happy that it's all been cleared up, happy for you.'

  But she didn't move immediately, because his eyes didn't leave her face and she wondered, suddenly, if he had even heard her.

  She licked her lips and was about to say his name, but his lashes lowered abruptly and when they lifted, that fixed look had gone from his eyes. He said, quite normally, 'Thank you, Clarry. Yes, I could do with a drink—several, possibly. Have one yourself.'

  She poured two Scotches, which she didn't normally drink, but she had the awful feeling she was going to need something strong. When she carried Rob's over to him, he had pulled off his tie but was still standing beside the table. 'Why don't you sit down?' she suggested.

  'Just now,' he murmured, and took the glass from her.

  Clarissa hesitated, and then took her drink over to the chair she had vacated and sank down into it. 'Here's to Randall's,' she said, raising the glass. 'I should have opened some champagne! How silly...' She stopped and bit her lip, realising that her voice had sounded high and unnatural.

  'Don't,' said Rob quietly, not looking at her.

  'Don't what?' she whispered.

  He stared down at his glass. 'We don't have to make conversation. Clarry, this morning at the height of the mayhem, I got a phone call from Wenden C. Whitta-ker.'

  Clarissa made an inarticulate sound and he looked at her briefly. 'It came as something of a surprise,' he went on. 'He said that both he and your mother felt they owed me an explanation, that it was not his way to go over people's heads or behind their backs. That they'd not known whether I'd be at Mirrabilla when they came—in other words, they hadn't been avoiding me—but that he had taken it upon himself to decide there wouldn't be another opportunity as good ... for you and your mother to make up your differences. He said the fact that he'd been right didn't alter, in his judgement, the need to explain the matter to me. All of which rather floored me ...'

  ‘I wanted to tell you, Rob,' Clarissa broke in.

  "I know—I didn't give you much chance,' he said with something like distaste, and drank some Scotch. "So you've forgiven her, Clarry? She said you had and told me that you'd acquitted me of... my part in the affair some time ago.'

  'You spoke to h-her?' Clarissa stammered.

  'Yes,' he said briefly, then went on, 'I'm not sure it was what either of us really wanted, but Wenden C. is a very persuasive person.'

  'I liked him, Rob,' Clarissa said tremulously. 'I liked him very much, actually. And she's really in love with him. I think they'll make it.'

  'What did she tell you?'

  'What you told me last night,' Clarissa said slowly. 'But more.'

  'And you told her you’d.. already worked it all out?' he queried.

  'No,' she said honestly. 'She assumed that, but she was right, I had.'

  There was silence for a time. Clarissa hadn't tasted her drink, but some instinct made her take a sip of it now, because she felt suddenly more afraid than she'd felt all day.

  Rob said at last, 'Then it only leaves Evonne to be explained now, doesn't it?'

  She stared at him with parted lips, but he wasn't looking at her. She swallowed. 'Rob, I don't have to have Evonne explained, and anyway, you must be tired and ... it's not the time for this.'

  'There's never going to be a better time, Clarry,' he said drily, and walked over the the window.

  She stared at his back and held her breath until he turned abruptly. 'Evonne came to see me very early this morning,' he said without preamble. 'She looked as if she'd been up all night-she said she had. She looked cold and pinched and desperately worried and at first, after I'd let her in, as if she didn't know how to begin. Then she stood behind that chair you're sitting in and told me baldly that she'd fallen in love with me.'

  Clarissa moved and clenched her hands together. He watched her hands for a moment, then raised his eyes to her face. 'I have to tell you, Clarry,' he said quietly, 'that it came like a bolt from the blue to me.

  'I don't know whether you'll believe that, but it's true. No, let me go on,' he said as she parted her lips to speak. 'Evonne then said that she'd never intended me to know and wouldn't be telling me then, if it weren't the only way to explain what had happened.' He shrugged. 'I couldn't help admiring her, Clarry. It isn't the easiest thing to do, to have to confess to something like that when you know it's not reciprocated. To have to explain that there are times when it's so hard to hide what you feel, but you go on doing it because the other option, of going away, is almost unbearable, because just being near ... that someone is enough, you tell yourself. To have to explain,' he said quietly, 'that she had stood outside my door last night after a perfectly legitimate business meeting and for a few moments, let her guard right down.'

  'Oh God,' whispered Clarissa, and fought back the tears.

  'She then,' Rob went on, 'explained about you and how you'd obviously misunderstood, although she couldn't blame you for that. How you'd asked her not to tell me, not knowing that I'd be the last to know. But how she couldn't bear to have you think that of her, and me, apart from the fact that she was so worried about you. That she'd spent the whole night racking her brains for a solution, for a way to make you listen to her and believe her-and in the end, had known that this was the only way. But not to know,' he said wearily, 'that it didn't really matter, for us.'

  'Rob,' Clarissa breathed, 'of course ... why are you telling me if.. you're angry with me because I didn't trust you!' she finished agonized and disjointedly.

  'But '

  'I told you,' he interrupted, 'for Evonne's sake. It seemed to mean a great deal to her, it must have for her to have put herself through that and to insist on resigning there and then, although—that was inevitable. I told you for your sake, Clarry. I know how much you'd come to like Evonne. I...' he stopped abruptly. 'Perhaps you're right, though. Did you honestly believe I'd foist someone I was sleeping with on to you like that?'

  Clarissa stared at him. 'I ... oh, Rob,' she said painfully, 'I didn't know what to think. But you see, I think I've always known she was in love with you. Even so I got to love her and care about her as if she was a sister. I'll miss her.' She put her hands to her face because the tears were brimming.

  'Will you miss me, Clarry?'

  Clarissa went still and wondered frantically for a moment if she had imagined those softly spoken words. But as her hands dropped to her lap, she stared straight into Rob's eyes in the last of the daylight, and knew with a sickening lurch of her heart that she hadn't.

  She stumbled up and ran across to him. 'No! Rob, no— not you. Please, oh, please, not you.’

  He put his drink down and caught her in his arms. 'I couldn't stand it,' she gasped. 'I'm sorry for everything!'

  'Clarry, Clarry,' he said gently with his arms just lightly around her shaking body, 'yes, you can stand it. You're a big girl now; you don't need me as a prop any more. In fact I think you know that better than anyone. This—is just reaction, habit.'

  She went still again and lifted her face to his. 'What do you mean?' she asked fearfully.

  Rob hesitated briefly. Then he said with an oddly twisted smile, 'I think you came here yesterday to tell me something. I know I accused you of—other things,

  but in retrospect, I think it was to tell me, to really make me believe you'd grown up. Wasn't it?'

  ' Yes, but...’

  'Well, I believe you,' he said. 'I also know now you won't be on your own without me.'

  ‘I will.. :’

  'No, Clarry,' he said steadily. 'Your mother and ... this must be a day for momentous decisions,' he lifted his eyebrows wryly, 'but your mother and Wenden have decided to live in Australia now. They'd been thinking of it for some time, but they Anally decided this morning. They told me they'd like to see as much of you and Sophie as possible—it appears that Wenden C. Whittaker has no children and was much taken with you two. You've told me you
really liked him and I formed the impression that you might be right, but more—that he might be the one to bring out the best in your mother. And they'll be there for you, Clarry. You won't need me.'

  "Sophie.. . this will break Sophie's heart.''

  Sophie is only two,' he said on a suddenly harsh note 'Young enough to get over it. But I'd like not to lose touch with her completely. We could work something out

  'Work something... oh,' Clarissa said vaguely, and when Rob dropped his arms from around her, she stood wavering like a young tree in a storm. Then she took hold and said despairingly, 'I was right—I was right all along. You never did love me, Rob. You were my safe harbour and now you're passing me on to the next one '

  "Clarry

  "Rob. if you could do one more thing for me—tell me the truth. For so long now I've not known what to drink. Did you ever ... this morning, no.' She started to cry silently. 'It doesn't matter.'

  'What about this morning?' he said presently in a strained voice. 'Tell me.'

  She couldn't, though.

  'Clarry, you should try and forget about this morning.'

  'But I never will,' she whispered. 'However hard I try.'

  Rob closed his eyes briefly and said, 'Don't. I'm sorry, I never meant it to happen.'

  Clarissa took a breath. 'Because you ...' She stopped and swallowed. 'I won't forget,' she said softly, 'because all day today I was hoping that what happened might have happened ... in a ... a ... blaze of passion for you.' Her last words were barely audible.

  Rob stared down into her pale face, then turned away abruptly. 'It did, unfortunately,' he said.

  'Rob,' her heart seemed to have stopped beating, 'then why are you sending me away? Is it because

  'Clarry,' he swung round, 'look, I thought I could wait. I found out this morning that I can't ... guarantee it any more. And anyway,' the suppressed violence left his voice, 'it's never going to happen, which is not your fault, so don't start worrying about that,' he smiled at her tiredly.

  'That ... that I'm never going to be any good in bed?' Clarissa voice shook. 'Is that what you found out?'

  He stared at her, then said roughly, 'That's got nothing to do with it. What the hell are you talking about?'

  She made a tired, defeated little gesture. 'I think it has. We might have managed otherwise, mightn't we?'

  Rob made an exasperated, impatient sound and suddenly grasped her shoulders in a grip that hurt. 'If you're basing your estimation of your ability in bed on this morning

  'Why not?' she cried, finding herself in the grip of something more than his hard hands—anguish and mental torment. 'I only ever came to Sydney to ... to tell you that it was what I wanted to do... Rob, you're hurting me!'

  He let her go and she noticed that he was breathing heavily. 'Are you trying to tell me,' he shot at her, 'that you came here to seduce me?'

  'No. Yes.' She coloured and tried to look away, but he wouldn't let her. 'Well, to tell you,' she whispered, 'that I thought I might have fallen in love with you— as distinct from having loved you all my life.'

  'And what made you think that?' he asked unsteadily.

  It was the way I felt—feel. It’s.. Just there inside me '

  They stared into each other's eyes. Clarissa swallowed and forced herself to go on. I came to tell you that, but f-first there was Evonne,' she said tearfully, then you were so angry with me and then there was me. Really hopeless again ... but I've been trying to tell you for weeks.'

  "Oh God," he said quietly. 'And now I've done this. Clam." he reached for her and gathered her close, -been trying to tell you and show you for years the very same thing. I know, I know,' he said softly, 'why you didn't want to listen, why you couldn't understand—but don't you see, what happened this morning was the culmination of loving you and wanting you for so long and being desperately afraid I was losing you.

  She stood quite still in the shelter of his arms and raised stunned eyes to his. 'I thought—oh, Rob...’

  'When did this happen?' he interrupted. 'This miracle,' he added with a smile growing at the back of his eyes. 'Did it happen suddenly?'

  'Yes—no—well, it did in a way,' said Clarissa disjointedly. 'But I think it had been coming for a long time, only I was too stupid and stubborn and wrapped up in myself to see or understand.' Her lips trembled.

  'And when did this all hit you?'

  'The night you came home so ill.'

  'I wondered once whether I shouldn't inflict some damage on myself!' he said with a grin.

  ‘Rob...' Her eyes were pleading.

  He raised his hands and cupped her face. Then he picked her up and took her over to the settee to sit down with her in his lap. 'Darling

  But she gripped his hand urgently. 'Rob, I didn't know ... I'm so different... I couldn't really believe I was what you...' She stopped helplessly.

  'What I wanted?'

  'Well, yes. Even when I sorted everything else out that... was what I couldn't understand.'

  'Because you're so different?' His eyes glinted.

  ‘I am, aren't I?' Clarissa said unhappily, and tensed as Rob took a ragged breath but pulled her closer.

  'Yes, you are,' he said in a husky undertone. 'So different, and that's one of the reasons why I love you so much—and want you very much too. I told you this morning that I could buy... some physical release,' he said a little drily. 'But I could never buy you. You gave me your love and affection when I'd done nothing to earn it other than be a friend. You gave me your trust and admiration long before I found I was getting it wholesale—and not the genuine article either. And all

  the time you were growing up like a flower unfolding before my eyes. Tender, lovely, true... but so young.'

  'Too young?' she asked gravely.

  'Not now. But then, yes. And so I said to myself, wait. Let her spread her wings a little. Wait, because what she feels for you might only be part of her growing-up process and heightened anyway because she often didn't have anyone else to turn to. Wait until that adolescent crush, so innocent, becomes something more. Then fate forced my hand. But that might not have mattered in time, if... well...' He stopped and sighed.

  'Oh, Rob!" said Clarissa, and buried her face in his shoulder.

  'Clarry—look at me,' he said after a moment. And when her eyes met his, he went on, 'Being good in bed—which seems to worry you so much—is several things. Some people achieve it quite easily and enjoy it for itself. Other people And that it's a matter of mental communication as well and can't get it right if all is not well in that area, or it just doesn't mean very much to them if there isn't more to it. And then there's an awareness of it that comes to different people at different stages. I think,' he searched her face, 'it's come to you now, whereas before it hadn't really.'

  "Yes," she said tremulously, ‘but...’

  'Hang on. Let me finish. Let's take one thing at a time.' said Rob gently. 'However it's happened for you has never had any bearing on the attraction you've held for me—on the way I've handled it, perhaps, but not the basic thing. You see, men fall in love with whom they fall in love with. Women too. But I can assure you I'm not the only man in the world to fall in love with someone young and innocent. A lot of us do. I'm really not a freak, you know.'

  Clarissa had to laugh, although shakily. And she rested against him holding his hand.

  'Do you need more proof?' Rob asked softly.

  ‘No...' But she got it.

  'When,' he paused briefly, 'Evonne said what she did to me this morning, I found I knew exactly what she was talking about—why you stay when you know there's no hope, why you just can't take that final step until something happens that you bitterly regret, and I'll always regret what I did to you this morning. Other things,' he went on after a while. 'Do you remember all the times you told me I worked too hard? Well, it was either that or...’

  'Oh, Rob!' she breathed guiltily, and on an impulse sat up a little and kissed him. And when he responded very gently, a rush of wa
rmth flooded her—and more. All the sensations that had plagued her lately together with the yearning, aching tenderness she had experienced once before that had been such a revelation to her.

  Until finally she lay flushed and disheveled in his arms. 'How ... how was that for a late starter?' she whispered.

  'You know what they say about late starters?' murmured Rob with a glinting smile growing in his eyes. 'Once they get going, they find it hard to stop.'

  'Oh, I hope so,' she said, then blushed and trembled and buried her face in his shoulder.

  CHAPTER TEN

  "Time really flies!' smiled Clarissa. 'I can't believe Sophie's three tomorrow.'

  She was wearing an ivory satin nightgown that clung to her body beneath a violet velvet robe as she sat in front of the dressing table brushing her hair. Winter was in the air and she thought that from tomorrow she would ask Clover to set fires in the bedrooms, and that she would get out everyone's warm nightwear. Not that .. .

  She glanced at the bed to find Rob watching her. And from the way he was watching her, she new exactly what was going to happen to her once she slid beneath the sheets next to him. But the miracle was that she could look forward to it now with shy anticipation, that she could love in return ... even sometimes with what she thought was astonishing boldness.

  Thinking of it right then seemed to produce the spirit of it within, so that she turned away and put her brash down slowly. She stood up and fiddled with the sash of her robe for a moment, then let it slide down her body to lie in a rich heap of colour on the floor. She stepped delicately away from it and lifted her hands to push out her hair from the back of her neck, then she stayed still with her arms raised as her hair billowed, then sank in a shining cloud. And she turned fully towards the bed and lowered her hands slowly so that the ivory satin, which had tautened over her breasts so that her nipples were clearly outlined, loosened a fraction.

  Then she bent down gracefully and lifted up the hem and whisked it off over her head. Only she froze a little then with the lamplight gleaming on her skin, and her eyes suddenly shocked at her incredible ... wantonness?