Conna in Crisis & The Marriage of Ulick

by James Kilcullen

  ‘You bad man,’ Dandaboy shook his index finger at him. ‘Release him or next time I bring gun.’ He disappeared.

  A much shaken Havlec handed back the gun. ‘Not a word about this,’ he ordered.

  They departed, smiling to themselves; everyone in the building knew five minutes later; the boss was losing it.

  But Dandaboy hadn’t learned anything.

  *

  It was nearly midday when the sonar operator called Jake. ‘Come and have a look at this; I think we’ve got something.’

  He entered the operations cabin and sat beside the operator. It was a fuzzy picture but the outline of a long metallic object was unmistakable.

  ‘What do we do now, sir?’

  ‘Not much point sending down a diver; he wouldn’t be able to identify it anyway,’ he mused aloud.

  ‘What then, sir?’

  ‘We’ll have to get in a crane ship and lift it up.’

  He had already made inquiries—Amsterdam was the nearest source.

  ‘How will we get it into the lake, sir?’

  ‘We’ll bring it in by road and launch it at Maam Bridge.’

  *

  Frankie was puzzled. While guards and army personnel scoured the countryside for the missing boy, the cordon kept closing with so sign of the thugs. This was a professional job. The fact that it was the holiday season wasn’t helping. He ordered a check on hire car companies and short term lettings of apartments and holiday homes. Reports of sightings were checked out; they came to nothing.

  Ulick made a TV appeal to the people. A new signature tune was played before every news broadcast. “Oh Dan-da-boy, Oh Dan-da-boy—why are you so small. Oh Dan-da-boy, Oh Dan-da-boy—why are you so tall?”

  Nodie kept a brave front in public; in private, she cried bitterly. Poor little John, where was he? He would be so frightened. Every time the door opened her heart leapt—had they found him? Ulick called to see her every day and assured her they would bring John home safely.

  Dandaboy and Setanta met every day.

  ‘I’ve told every dog in the country to look out for little John and pass the word on to their friends. Nothing, not a word. Where is he?’

  Dandaboy shook his head in dismay.

  *

  Annie Clarke was annoyed at all the commotion about little John; it deflected attention from her own immediate plans. The longer the damned case went on, the more preoccupied Ulick became. He was going to lose it anyway, so why put his reputation at risk. He would need firm handling as soon as they married and, first thing, that damned dog would have to go. And it was time he replaced his old rust bucket with a new Mercedes.

  Her immediate priority was to move into his house; he would be presented with a fait Accompli. Knowing him, as she did, he would not react adversely to such a move. But she would have to be devious; move in when he was away from home.

  *

  Little John was kept in the same room, fed three times a day with porridge, eggs and chips with a glass of milk. He pined for his mother and slept much of the time. He could hear the conversations going on in the other room but didn’t know what was being said. Occasionally, he heard the radio and once it included the “Oh Dan-da-boy” tune. It rang a bell with him. Where had he heard it before? He couldn’t remember.

  *

  Annie Clarke borrowed the spare set of keys to Ulick’s house—kept in the office—and had copies made in Galway. While in the city she purchased a new exotic set of undies and replaced her perfume. She had lunch before returning to Conna; not in Ella’s restaurant. All this activity was observed by Dandaboy who wondered what she was up to now?

  A few evenings later, when she was sure Ulick and Setanta were at the barracks, she made her move. Driving out to Ulick’s house, she parked her car where it could not be seen. Entering, she inspected the house; she had not been there before. She put her case in the master bedroom and made herself a cup of coffee. She would be in bed by the time her husband to be returned.

  Setanta lay down quietly in the big operations room while Frankie listened to the latest batch of reports; the cordon was now slowly closing in on Conna—it was only twenty miles away—but still no sign of the thugs. Then, he noticed Dandaboy sitting on the window; he had just arrived. The little man looked down at him.

  ‘Why you not watching the woman?’

  ‘I stay with Ulick; he safe here.’ He grunted.

  ‘Woman in his house; let’s go.’

  Setanta jumped up barking and was let out the door by one of the guards.

  They met outside Ulick’s house; Setanta was all excited.

  ‘I charge the door and sink my teeth in her arse.’

  ‘No, wait,’ Dandaboy restrained him; ‘I go in and open door.’

  He walked through the door as if it didn’t exist; then he held it open for Setanta.’

  She’s here,’ he announced, ‘I can smell her.’

  He raced through the house barking as only he knew how; coming to Ulick’s room he pushed in the door with his paw. Annie was lying in the bed, her undies sitting on the bedroom chair. Setanta made a wild leap on to the bed; she screamed and throwing back the duvet, jumped out and raced from the room; starkers. Setanta picked up her clothes in his mouth and followed; Dandaboy watched with great glee.

  The terrified Annie grabbed her purse in the kitchen and raced for her car. Getting in she tried to find her keys while Setanta stood outside with her undies in his mouth. She unwound the window and grabbed them. Setanta could now bark again; the car departed quickly.

  Dandaboy smiled. ‘Now that was a good one, Santa.’

  ‘We’d better clean up the house; we don’t want Ulick to know she was here.’

  *

  Little John slept much of the time, unaware he was receiving mild sedation. Fed regularly, his captors tried to be friendly and provided him with a colouring book and crayons. He could only hear the radio when it was turned up for the news and heard his name mentioned once or twice. The Dandaboy tune attracted him; it rang a bell somewhere but he couldn’t remember where.

  *

  John’s abductors were getting fed up; time passed and nothing appeared to be happening. Strangers in the area, they daren’t show their faces; the hired car was locked in the garage. Their food supplies would run out in another four days. They listened to every news bulletin; the cordon was closing in.

  One of them, a big rugged looking man, called Jock, got up from the table and stretched himself.

  ‘What happens when the job is finished? How do we return the boy?’

  His companion, an older, ugly looking little man grunted.

  ‘Return the boy? Are you mad; he’s seen us? Put on the radio, it’s nearly news time.’

  *

  The divers were hauled up to the surface and taken aboard the cruiser. Jake questioned them; they were as helpful as they could be seeing they didn’t know what they were looking for. They described it as a long pipe like metal object, half buried in the mud and rushes at the bottom of the lake.

  ‘Right,’Jake decided. ‘We’ll take it up.’ He looked at his watch. ‘First thing in the morning.’

  *

  In the Oval Office, President Mulviney was silent for what seemed a long time; Joss Ryan waited patiently. The tall youngish leader, now in his second term, felt he now knew what President Truman meant when he said “The buck stops here.” Eventually, he sat forward.

  ‘Joss, we have to pay; we can’t take the chance.’

  ‘It could be a hoax, sir.’

  ‘It could; the bottom line is, we have to have the plans if they exist.’

  ‘I agree, sir.’

  ‘Go ahead then,’ he rose and shook hands with his CIA Director.

  *

  Little John eat the unappetising food and slept on and off, hearing at times, the conversation in the other room, but not listening to it. Getting up on his bed, he looked out the window. It was just a green field; the sky overcast; all he knew, he wanted hi
s mum. He heard the radio voice that was part of the evening ritual. It started with “Oh Dandaboy- Oh Dandaboy.” It rang a bell with him. At the end a new voice continued. “Little John, this is mum—sing the song with me, out loud now “Oh Dan-da-boy, oh Dan-da-boy.” He jumped up, excited, “Oh Dan-da-boy, mum.”

  He looked around to find Dandaboy sitting beside him smiling; he put his arms around the child. ‘I bring you home.’

  ‘My funny friend,’ he grinned happily for the first time in weeks.

  Dandaboy sent a message to Ulick. Little John, safe; come and arrest these bad men. I guide you to this place. Then, he cautioned John. ‘Not a sound now, lad.’

  ‘Bad men see me.’

  ‘No, we play game; I make you disappear. Ulick will be here soon with your mum.’

  They waited patiently; half an hour later, a helicopter landed in the field outside and armed soldiers leapt out; another helicopter landed in front of the house. There was frantic activity in the other room.

  One of the thugs shouted. ‘They’ve found us; what are we going to do? We can’t fight our way out of this.’

  The other replied. ‘Get the child; we’ll use him as a human shield.’

  The door burst open and a very agitated man rushed in; then stopped short.’

  ‘He’s not here,’ he screamed.

  The other one joined him. ‘He has to be here; shit, how did he get away?’

  ‘What are we going to do?’

  The sound of a loud hailer intervened.

  “You in the house, come out with your hands up. If you carry weapons you’ll be shot without warning.”

  ‘What are we going to do?’ he repeated.

  He was thinking fast. ‘Hide the guns; no child here; we’re just tourists; they can’t hold us. Let’s go.’

  Dandaboy heard the front door opening and a further warning issued over the loud hailer. Taking John by the hand they approached the front door together. They could see the thugs were now handcuffed, loudly protesting their innocence. Dandaboy let the child walk ahead; everyone could see only John. Nodie rushed forward, swept him up in her arms and, with tears of joy pouring down her beautiful face, held him close.

  ‘My poor boy.’

  He grinned at her. ‘Where funny man Dan-da go?’

  Ulick joined them. ‘He will come to see you later.’

  Taken to Eglinton Garda station in Galway, the two thugs were questioned and charged; they sang like canaries; they received instructions by phone from Havlec. Taken before the local District Justice they were formally charged and held in custody.

  Frankie wanted to send an extradition order to the British authorities to have Havlec brought to Galway to stand trial for kidnapping; Ulick disagreed. ‘We haven’t enough evidence to get such an order, but if that bastard sets foot in this country again we’ll have him.’

  There was great celebrations throughout the country; TV and evening papers carried the story, with pictures of Nodie carrying little John to safety. But no reference was made to the blackmail letters.

  *

  Although guarded by a special force of guards, Nodie could hardly bear to let little John out of her sight. It was thought the little lad might need counselling, but he quickly forgot his ordeal. Dandaboy and Setanta helped; they came and played with him every day.

  The case continued; Ulick proceeded with his list of environmental witnesses; Moxy, considering his own reputation, didn’t want to lose. He spoke to Havlec regularly on the phone and recommended settlement. ‘No fucking way’ was the reply he received.

  Nodie still had the old dilemma. The smoke and mirrors were fine, but Ulick had no case. She would have to find for the blackguard that had her son kidnapped; that was causing her sleepless nights. She examined the submissions again; no way could she find for the people of Achill. Ulick would prolong the case for as long as possible, but she could see he was sleep walking his way through it.

  *

  Annie Clarke presented herself in Ulick’s office while he scanned the post.

  ‘Ulick,’ she smiled sweetly, ‘Now that all the commotion is over, why don’t we go away for a weekend together. I have a brochure for a lovely new hotel in west Cork.’

  Setanta sat up; he didn’t like this.

  ‘Wait until the case is over; I’ll think about it then.’

  She knew he was stalling; so did Setanta.

  ‘Ulick,’ she said quietly. ‘Why don’t you give in; you have no chance of winning this case.’

  ‘Perhaps you’re right,’ he grunted.

  ‘Well then let me book the hotel,’ she smiled most agreeably.

  ‘No.’

  ‘All right,’ she muttered angrily and left.

  Setanta lay down and relaxed.

  *

  Aboard the American cruiser, Dandaboy found Jake, pale and sweating, watching the monitor while the divers put the chains around the rocket. It was very fuzzy down there. Then, one of the divers gave the signal to lift the rocket. It didn’t appear to move; the picture became fuzzier. Then, very slowly, the rocket was detached from the bottom and started to rise.

  The divers were taken on board. Jake approached the rail for a cursory examination. There was complete silence.

  ‘Bring it closer,’ Jake ordered.

  It was eased towards him; he looked for the familiar markings.

  ‘That’s not the rocket,’ he announced. ‘Take off the chains and let it go.’

  Moments later it slipped below the surface.

  ‘What the hell do we do now?’ Herb demanded.

  ‘Continue the search, what else can we do.’

  *

  Nan became more and more suspicious. A question that wouldn’t go away began to form in her mind; from her inquiries it was clear that Annie had been around the track a few times. She well knew the old saying: “There’s many a man rocking another man’s cradle who thinks he’s rocking his own.” It was the oldest trick in the book, but how could she prove it.

  *

  At eight o’clock in the morning there was a polite knock on Eddy Soames bedroom door. He interrupted his shaving. Brother Eoin handed him a sealed package. He finished shaving and casually opened it. It contained a key and a single sheet of paper with the following typed message; “The enclosed key is for a safe deposit box in the Lynch Bank in Galway, which contains the plans of the X12.” There was no signature. He dressed hastily and rushed down to reception demanding to know who delivered the package. Brother Eoin wasn’t sure; he thought it was a courier firm in Galway

  While he was there, Boris and Madame Lin arrived carrying similar packages. They stared angrily at one another and came to the same conclusion. Eddy turned to the astonished Brother Eoin.

  ‘Get me a taxi right away.’

  ‘Me too,’ the others ordered.

  He picked up the phone. ‘Aren’t you going to have breakfast first?’

  ‘No,’ they almost screamed at him.

  Judith Crosweller watched the three taxies depart from Turla at speed; it looked like a race; it was. Packed and ready to go, she checked out of the hotel and took a taxi to Knock Airport.

  *

  The three taxies screamed to a halt in Middle Street in Galway, two blocks from the Lynch Bank, which was located in the pedestrian area. All the occupants raced, with indecent haste, to the bank, which was just opening for business. Such was the furore in different languages that Mags O’Connor, who was in charge of the safe deposit vault, sent for the manager.

  Jack Kirby was an old hand who wasn’t easily fussed. He listened to all the demands and even a few threats.

  He raised his hands for silence. ‘Calm down everyone, you will all get your turn.’

  He turned to his colleague. ‘Take this lady first, Miss O’Connor.’

  Eddy and Boris roared at him. ‘I demand that I go first.’

  Mags O’Connor opened the steel door, let Madame Lin enter and take the steps down to the vault. She locked the door again.
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br />   The manager continued calmly.

  ‘Mr Soames, you may go next.’

  Boris wasn’t having this.

  ‘I go next,’ he thundered.

  ‘I hope, sir that I won’t find it necessary to call in the police.’

  ‘No, no,’ he grunted.

  When the light flashed red over the door, Mags opened it and let Madame Lin out. She looked positively unhappy but said nothing. Eddy entered. Madame Lin stood aside. Boris looked at her; she remained silent.

  Eddy arrived a few minutes later looking equally unhappy; as did Boris ten minutes later. They stood there together, looking at one another, very quiet now. Eventually, Madame Lin produced a package from her bag. It contained cut up sheets of newspapers.

  ‘I’ve been done,’ she announced simply.

  ‘So have I,’ the other two produced similar packages.

  Eddy was angry, perhaps because he liked her. He read from outside of his envelope.

  “Thanks from Judith.”

  ‘The bloody bitch,’ Boris grunted.

  ‘What we do now?’ Madame Lin asked.

  ‘I’ll find the thief and recover our money. Let me get to a phone.’ Eddy departed hastily.

  ‘I thought she was a nice gentle lady,’ Lin added.

  ‘I’ll wring the traitor’s neck,’ Boris thundered.

  *

  The boring court case continued; Nodie tried to look interested; the local press reporter slept at times. Then, one morning, Ulick addressed the court.

  ‘Mi Lady, I don’t propose to call any further witnesses.’

  Thank goodness for that.

  She looked down at him. ‘Thank you Mr Joyc, I will begin summing up in the morning.’

  He stayed on his feet.

  ‘Mi Lady, I will complete my case by putting in evidence a relevant EU Directive.’

  Moxy stayed silent.

  Ulick took three thick documents from his briefcase; handed one to the court clerk; the other to Moxy. He continued.

  ‘Mi Lady, I accept that the concession given by the Dublin Government was valid but not legitimate. However, the EU Directive, of which you have a copy, was issued ten years ago.’

  ‘Is this relevant?’ Moxy demanded.

  ‘It is,’ he replied quietly.

  Nodie was wondering where he was going while she thumbed her way through the long document.