The Gift of Loving

by Wilson, Patricia

  'You are not prying, my dear Lucy. I would have thought that Guy would have told you. He was sixteen when Gerard and I married and he was worldly even then. His mother was living with another man long before I came on the scene. She had already told Gerard that she was leaving him for good and that he was welcome to his son.

  She went to America with her lover and they are there still. We decided not to tell Guy, to even allow him to think that we were already having an affair, anything but that his mother could so callously reject him. He knew the truth, though. One day, darkly and quietly in a way that is so much Guy, he simply looked at us and said, "I know." He had heard their final quarrel, her words of rejection.' She leaned back with a sigh. 'I used to wonder if he still thought about her and I suppose he must have—his mother. For me it made things more comfortable. He accepted me, but Guy seemed to develop a distrust of women. I never cease to thank God that you came to him, Lucy.'

  Lucy looked away quickly. Veronique was going to know eventually. Would she think that Lucy was leaving willingly? Guy's feelings were clearer to her now. At sixteen he would have been very vulnerable, just becoming a man and wary of women in any case. No wonder he didn't want a real wife. And Michelle had rejected him, only content to be his mistress. It didn't make things better but at least she understood.

  Long after Veronique had left she sat in the darkening room but Guy did not come in. She went to bed with tears on her face, tears for Guy, for the baby and for herself.

  She was feeding the baby the next morning when Madame Gatien brought her breakfast, a self-imposed task that she seemed to delight in. She informed Lucy that Guy was still at home.

  'He was preparing to leave when he had a visitor; it is Madame Colliot. She looks distressed.' The housekeeper went out, not knowing what a bombshell she had exploded for Lucy.

  Guy had probably told Michelle that Lucy was to stay for longer.

  When she left they would get together at last. Could that be what Guy was discussing so seriously with Albert Colliot at the dinner party? She knew by now that some people were divorced quite amicably, even still remaining friends.

  She put the baby down when he had finished but she dared not go downstairs. To meet Michelle face to face would be too much. She walked to the window and looked down, drawing back in alarm as Guy came out to the steps with Michelle. She was still talking agitatedly although Lucy could not hear from this height. Guy was soothing her and finally he put his arm around her, hugging her close and kissing her cheek. It was all Lucy needed to see. Her face was like alabaster as she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror but she knew what she had to do.

  The doctor came in the afternoon, his visit quite usual. Guy seemed to think that something disastrous would happen if the doctor did not call daily now and Lucy was expecting him. Guy had not been up to see her. He left for Paris as Michelle did, his car behind hers, and Lucy was glad. She wanted all this settled before he came back.

  'When can I stop feeding the baby?' she asked as soon as the doctor was seated.

  'Whenever you like. I suppose you want to get out more with your husband? Many young wives do. The milk will stop if he is not feeding and I can give you tablets to help if necessary.'

  'If—if I stop, will it harm him?' Lucy wanted to know, her face anxious, and the doctor laughed, his eyes on the chubby baby in her arms.

  'Not at all. I doubt if anything will harm this little chap with the care that is lavished on him and the count's insistence on a daily visit from me. If either of you ever have a cold I expect to be called out of bed at least five times in the night.'

  'So I can stop whenever I like?' Lucy asked, ignoring the way he added her to Guy's anxiety over the baby. He nodded cheerfully and she had all the information she wanted.

  She didn't expect Guy to come and find her. Since the other day he had avoided her all over again but, as she was summoning up her courage to seek him out that evening, he came into her room after a brief knock.

  'This afternoon in Paris I interviewed several women for the position of nurse to Eric,' he began without preamble and Lucy knew she had been right. He was desperate to have this thing over and done with.

  'Did you find one that suited you?' she asked carefully, managing to force herself to look at him and keep some semblance of calm.

  'Suited me? You will be the one to finally choose. I would not know how to begin. I only attempted to reduce the candidates somewhat.'

  'You'll be dealing with her, Guy, whoever she is,' Lucy pointed out quietly. 'If you can't get on with her then she's not going to last very long and it would be bad for the baby to have a succession of nurses.'

  'Why should I be the one to deal with a nurse?' he asked, his face tight and grim. His eyes roamed over her face as if he were looking

  for some secret there and she turned abruptly away, pacing about, because she was too agitated to stand still.

  'When the doctor came today he told me I could stop feeding the baby as soon as I wanted. I can stop right now if necessary but I think he should be introduced to a bottle gradually. Maybe next week I'll be able to—to stop. I'll go then, of course, and you'll obviously have to deal with the nurse yourself. If I can sometimes see him...'

  He was like someone carved from stone as he walked to the window and stared out at the gathering dusk. His shoulders were tight, his hands on either side of the frame, as he leaned his head against the cool glass as if he needed something to keep him steady.

  'Only the other day you said you wanted to stay, to continue to look after him,' he reminded her harshly. 'Now you will be content to

  "sometimes see him". What has happened to make you change your mind?'

  'Nothing I—I've just been thinking about it. It's best to go before the baby really gets to know me, it's better for him, that's all.'

  'That's all?' He swung to face her, his eyes flat and dead in his face.

  His skin looked grey and drawn. 'You think he does not know you when he has nestled in your arms, suckled at your breast? You lay a hand on him and his crying stops. His eyes follow you as you move.'

  'The longer I stay the more they'll follow me, the more he'll know!'

  Lucy cried, a sob choked back. What did he think this was doing to her? She was facing all this for Guy as she had faced everything for him.

  'You care nothing for him, then? You can leave him without a backward glance? You can take your money and go just like any other employee and "sometimes see him"?'

  'Stop it!' Lucy wept, her hands clenched together at her sides. 'What choice do I have? Do I stay until leaving him kills me or go now while I've still got the courage? I'll go now. You can think what you like. I might have known it would end as it began with you trying to trap me.'

  'It should never have begun,' Guy said bitterly, 'but it will never end for me. Leaving him will kill you? You are killing me daily! I am dying with looking for love that is not there.'

  'It will be there when I've gone.' Lucy looked at him with tears streaming down her face. 'You'll be able to go to Michelle with a clear conscience. I don't know what arrangements you've made, but

  -'

  'Arrangements? With Michelle?' He strode over to her, jerking her against him, his hand hard against her face. 'What has she got to do with this? She has troubles of her own. Albert Colliot is on the brink of ruin and I am trying to salvage what I can of his affairs. Am I supposed to laugh in her face and send her on her way when she comes to me and begs for further aid for the man she loves?'

  Lucy stared at him with huge, tear-filled eyes, unable to understand anything. What was he saying? Did he want her to go when there was no chance of Michelle coming to him?

  'She loves him? But—but you—you love her! When I've gone -'

  'I do not love her! I have never loved her! I know what you have thought and it has been my only defence against you. I had the chance to marry Michelle a long time ago and I had no desire to do so. She is spoiled, selfish and impossible, on
ly now realising that she loves Colliot when he is on the brink of disaster. She has never meant a thing to me. I have always kept her at arm's length!' He glared down at her. 'When you have gone I will follow you!' he

  grated, his hand tightening on her chin. 'When you have gone I will haunt you, I will be there every time you turn your head. I will fight the divorce! I will drag you back by your hair!'

  'Guy!' She stood shaking in his arms as they closed round her, stunned by his possessive violence. 'You wanted me to go. You're backing out of it and -'

  'I had backed out of it before we were even married.' He looked down at her bewildered face and then gathered her more closely, his arms desperate. 'I want you close to me, much closer than this.' He suddenly lowered his head, his face in her hair. 'Don't leave me, Lucy, my strange little Lucy,' he whispered brokenly. 'I cannot face a day if you go. I love you so very much. I know you love the baby.

  I also know I can make you want me. Let's begin like that; perhaps one day you will come to love me a little if I try very hard.'

  'Oh, Guy! Guy!' She threw her arms around his neck, hardly able to believe it. Her eyes were shining brilliantly blue through the tears when he looked up at her. 'You won't have to try at all. I love you terribly. It was breaking my heart to leave but I thought you wanted it.'

  'Lucy! Cherie! I have never wanted it since you climbed the wall and sprang on me like an agitated little mouse,' he said thickly, his arms crushing her against him. 'I did not know it was love then but I knew you were somehow a part of my life.'

  He covered her face and neck with desperate kisses, his arms pressing her close. 'In Sicily, that first night, I regretted the marriage, I didn't want it to be like that any more. I would have told you the next day and begged to start all over again but you entranced me, you were sweet and alive in my arms and I could not resist you. By morning I dared not tell you in case you left me.'

  'You've been away so much I thought you wanted it all over and done with,' Lucy whispered.

  'I tried to stay away. I wanted you too much,' he said urgently against her lips. 'I have fought against my feelings for you, knowing you would leave me. When I asked you to marry me you devastated me with your honesty. You simply said that you did not like me and would not like to be near me. It took a great deal of courage to look straight back at you and say it did not matter because it mattered very much, even then.' He buried his face against the soft warmth of her neck. 'Oh, cherie,' he groaned, 'when you had the baby, I could not take the pain from you, could not help at all. The doctor said that some women hated their husbands for a while, I knew that you would hate me always because there was no loving to begin with.'

  'Oh, there was, Guy! I loved you all the time. I loved you then but I wanted it to be real.'

  'It was real! It is real!' he whispered thickly. 'Lucy! My love!'

  His arms tightened to lift her and she was more than willing but the sharp cry from the other room had Guy lowering her back to the floor, his face rueful.

  'Our son needs a feeding bottle and a nurse with all speed,' he asserted wryly. 'I am not very good at sharing and I cannot contemplate the time when I will be prepared to share you, not even with him.'

  Lucy smiled up at him happily, gently extricating herself from his warm arms.

  'You'll get used to it. With a couple more children around you'll never even notice.'

  'I'll notice, cherie,' he promised, his eyes gleaming, 'but I do not mind if you wish to experiment.'

  They were back in Sicily, back in the same room that Lucy had loved, and Guy's arms were around her but now she knew it was for always.

  'I wanted to come back here,' she murmured.

  'Without me?' Guy looked down at her face, his dark eyes roaming over her flushed cheeks.

  'Never without you,' she whispered. 'Even when I was running away from you, I wanted you to fetch me back.'

  'Which I did,' he reminded her wryly. 'When the van driver telephoned me I raced up to your room and found you gone.' His arms tightened. 'I was not sure that he had you safe. It might well have been some other English girl, some hitch-hiker. He merely said that he had picked up an English girl and he thought she belonged to me. I knew you did not belong to me but I knew that you had to. I could not have let you go.'

  'I did belong to you,' Lucy whispered, her lips teasing his stubborn chin. 'When you came storming towards the van I was delighted.'

  'Then why did you run away, my darling?'

  'I wanted you to love me, I suppose. I was hurt.'

  His arms closed tightly round her, his lips caressing her face. 'Oh, Lucy,' he groaned, 'if you had only known even then how much I loved you, so much unhappiness could have been prevented.'

  'I know now, Guy,' she murmured against his demanding lips.

  'I wonder how the new nurse is managing?' she mused later as Guy held her close, nibbling against her ear.

  'Veronique is staying at the chateau,' he reminded her soothingly.

  'Everything will be all right, my sweet. In any case,' he added with a grin, 'if the nurse is managing to evade Madame Gatien she will be doing very well. One false move and madame will devour her. It is comforting that a dragon guards Eric.'

  'Why do you persist in calling him that?' Lucy asked in mild exasperation.

  'Because I thought you would finally leave me,' he confessed, punctuating his words with kisses. 'I wanted to be reminded every minute that part of him was you. I could not in all fairness call him Lucy.'

  She giggled as he pulled her against him, his lips trailing over her shoulders seductively.

  'I didn't know you were an idiot, Guy,' she laughed, squealing as his teeth nipped her.

  'I was not until you came along. You stole my mind, enchantress, and now you have stolen my soul.' He drew back when she was breathless from his heated kisses, his eyes adoring as he looked down at her. 'Once you said that you were without talent, in fact you repeated it frequently. You have tamed a dragon, given gladness to Veronique, brought joy to a rather grim household, but most of all you have given me happiness I never dreamed of. You have the gift of loving, cherie, and I love you so deeply that I cannot ever think of anything else.'

  He pulled her close, his passion flaring over her, and she sank into the sweetness of his love, her heart flying like a wild bird as he possessed her. She was loved, safe, Guy her own forever and her lips were smiling as he brought her back to earth in his strong arms.

  'I'm not afraid of anything any more,' she said dreamily as he smiled down at her. 'Tomorrow we can take that trip up Mount Etna to see the lava.'

  'Pas question! I paid for another honeymoon and I intend to spend it right here.' His eyes slid over her sensuously. 'This time around you will tell me you love me all the time, you will never leave my side.'

  'What if I don't like this contract?' Lucy asked, her eyes sparkling.

  'You are stuck with it, and with me,' he murmured against her lips,

  'but there are compensations. I will make love to you all the time.'

  'I'll stay,' Lucy promised, as his smiling lips covered her own.