Between Sinners And Saints

by Marie Sexton

After asking again which brother was which, Jaime was able to distinguish them by the shirts they wore. Of course, he'd be lost again tomorrow, assuming they didn't all opt to wear dirty clothes the rest of the weekend for his sake.

  Ruth's husband Jackson was a big man, like a football player gone soft. Rachel's husband was quiet and shy. And was also named Isaac.

  "Did you all do this on purpose?" Jaime asked.

  "Just wait," Levi said. And then he started naming kids. Isaac and Kristine had six, Jacob and Kristin had four, as did Ruth and Jackson. Caleb and Kirsten had two, and Rachel and the non-Binder Isaac had three, with a fourth on the way. Boys outnumbered girls roughly two to one. The oldest was sixteen, and the youngest was still nursing. The task of pointing out who was who was made even more difficult by the fact they were kids and, with the exception of the nursing babies, none of them stayed in one place for more than three seconds. It was like trying to name leaves in a whirlwind.

  "I'll never keep them all straight," Jaime said when Levi was done.

  "Call the boys 'Champ' or 'Ace' and the girls 'Princess,' and you'll be safe." It seemed like good advice.

  Jackson, Jacob and Caleb were still tossing the football among them in the middle of the yard.

  "Come on, Levi," Caleb called.

  "What are we playing?" Levi asked as Caleb tossed the ball toward him.

  "Smear the Queer," Caleb said, just as Levi caught it.

  Jaime was shocked, and he could tell Jacob was as well by the look on his face. But Caleb, Jackson and Levi all laughed. In one quick movement, Levi flicked the ball to Jacob and tackled Caleb. Jackson, still laughing, grabbed Levi around the waist and attempted to pull him off Caleb, but before he could, he was bowled over by Isaac, who had abandoned his post at the grill to join the pile.

  "Is this normal?" Jaime asked Ruth, who was standing next to him watching her husband and her brothers with a bemused look on her face. Jacob and Isaac's sixteen-year-old son had joined the "game" now, too. There was still some scrambling for the ball, but it seemed to be more about having an excuse to tackle each other.

  "Pretty much," she said, glancing at him. "Aren't you going to join them?"

  For somebody who relied on personal space to keep him sane, the idea of being in a pile of men was terrifying. "No!"

  The kids had noticed the men on the ground and were piling on, too. The entire group devolved into smaller groups of squealing, giggling kids being tickled by their dads and uncles, brothers and cousins. When that wore off, there were just grown men lying on the ground, grinning like fools as they caught their breath.

  "He seemed so worried about coming," Jaime said to Ruth. "I don't understand."

  Her smile started to fade as she watched the men on the lawn, who were slowly helping each other up, groaning and complaining together as they did that they were too old for this crap.

  "It always starts out friendly," she said. "They're brothers. They love each other." Jaime could hear the "but" in her voice, and he waited for her to go on. "One way or another, by Sunday it'll all go wrong."

  Chapter 12

  Sleeping arrangements were always a bit of a chore. Levi's parents' house had eight bedrooms. Each of the married couples had a bed to share. The last two bedrooms held only one twin bed each. These were given to Levi and Jaime. The kids were all in sleeping bags. The older kids slept in the study. The babies and toddlers were with their parents. The rest were on the floor of Jaime and Levi's rooms.

  Friday morning was chaos, as mornings often were when Levi's entire family was involved. With nineteen hungry kids and nearly as many tired adults, it was a bit of a circus. Levi was surprised at how happy and comfortable he felt being back with his family. Isaac and Jacob sometimes looked at him askance, and he saw them eyeing Jaime appraisingly. He sensed them watching his and Jaime's interactions, trying to determine if there was more to their relationship than Levi claimed. He knew Jaime had been nervous the night before, but by the time lunch ended on Friday, he seemed at ease. For the most part, everybody was still on their best behavior.

  After lunch, the family went several ways. Some of the kids went outside to play and some went downstairs to watch a movie in the family room. The last few went with Levi's mother to the store. After his shower, Levi found Jaime playing Uno at the dining room table with his brothers and Rachel. Jackson, Ruth and Caleb's wife Kirsten were sitting around the table with them, chatting happily while they ate Crunch 'n' Munch and pretzels.

  "But I'd never done anything to them!" Rachel was saying as Levi sat down next to Jaime. He could tell by the nervous glances his other siblings were tossing in his and Jaime's direction that the conversation was making many of them uncomfortable. "They had no right to be so mean to me."

  "What's going on?" he asked Jaime quietly.

  "Apparently your sister ran afoul of some angry lesbians," Jaime said with obvious amusement.

  "We live in Tennessee," Rachel said. "Why should they care what happens in California?"

  "Right," Caleb's wife Kirsten said sarcastically. "Why should any of us care about the rights of our fellow American citizens?"

  Rachel stared at her blankly, obviously missing her point.

  "Don't start," Caleb said over his shoulder to his wife. She rolled her eyes, and Levi knew she wasn't about to listen. She disliked Rachel to begin with and she wasn't one to back down from an argument.

  "The church didn't make any friends by backing Proposition 8," Jackson said. "Churches are supposed to stay out of politics. A lot of people would like to see their tax-exempt status revoked for what they did."

  "For standing up for what they believe in?" Rachel challenged.

  "No," Kirsten said. "For pushing their beliefs on others. And for failing to recognize the division of church and state."

  "Gay marriage is against church doctrine--"

  "Church doctrine has no place in secular law. You can't take away people's rights to meet your own religious criteria."

  "What about my rights?"

  "Rachel," Jackson said, "just because it offends you doesn't mean it violates your rights. You don't have a right to not be offended."

  Rachel looked to Isaac for support, but Isaac shrugged. "I agree with them, actually," he said.

  "You do?" Levi asked in surprise.

  "Don't get me wrong," Isaac said. "I don't agree with gay marriage, and I'll vote against it every chance I get. But I think the church should've stayed out of it."

  "Why?" Rachel asked.

  "Nobody takes us seriously as it is," he said. "What's the first thing people say when they find out you're LDS?"

  "Polygamy," Jaime said.

  "Exactly. Either they ask how many wives or mothers you have, or they start telling you how Big Love is their favorite show. We've been fighting for years to be taken seriously, and any progress we made has been wiped out in one fell swoop. The only thing the church accomplished was to give more ammo to people who want to marginalize us."

  "It is rather ironic," Jackson said, "that a church ostracized for its beliefs about marriage would seek to ostracize another group for the same reason."

  "It's not the same thing at all," Rachel snapped.

  "I think Mormons are just pissed because they didn't have the balls to stand up for polygamy back when it mattered," Kirsten said.

  "Stop," Caleb said to his wife over his shoulder.

  Kirsten ignored him. "Has it ever occurred to you," she asked Rachel, "that the constitutional amendment protecting your right to follow Mormon doctrine is the same amendment that's supposed to protect everybody else from being forced to live according to your religious beliefs?"

  "Stop," Caleb said again.

  Rachel ignored him, too. "So you think the church should be forced to accept it, even if God has told us is a sin?"

  "No! They don't have to accept it. They don't have to like it. But they can't force their beliefs on other--"

  "Enough," Caleb said, louder this time. "We should
change the subject. Your turn, Isaac."

  "I agree," Jacob said shakily. "We'll never agree on this issue and we'll probably offend our guest in the process."

  "Don't mind me," Jaime said.

  "Caleb's right," Isaac said. "We should drop it." He laid a card on the table. "I'm skipping Jacob. Your turn, Rachel."

  "That's how it always goes," Rachel said as she set a card down. "We're supposed to be quiet. We're supposed to ignore it. And then we wonder how the gays manage to push their agenda all the way to the supreme court."

  "Don't be ridiculous, Rachel," Caleb said. "There is no 'gay agenda.'"

  "No, she's right," Jaime said, without cracking a smile. He tossed down a card and turned to Caleb. "Your turn. Draw two."

  But Caleb didn't even look at his cards. "There is a gay agenda?" he asked.

  "Naturally. Although marriage is the second item. Draw two."

  "So what's the first?" Jackson asked, grinning. He seemed to be the only person at the table besides Levi who realized Jaime was kidding. Everybody else was staring at Jaime with open-mouthed shock.

  "Recruitment. Especially of children. That's why I'm here, in fact. We're having a membership drive this month, and whoever recruits the most minors wins two free tickets to see Kathy Griffin live."

  Jackson and Ruth were trying not to laugh, as was Caleb's wife. The best thing was, Jaime wasn't even smiling. "It's still your turn, Caleb. Draw two."

  Caleb sat there looking confused until Kirsten elbowed him in the ribs, making him jump. "Sucker," she said.

  Caleb turned back to Jaime with obvious relief. "You're joking," he said, although Levi couldn't tell whether it was a statement or a question.

  "Am I? By the way, if you join in the month of September, they'll send you a nice little lapel pin, and you'll be entered in a drawing to win a free juicer. It's a sweet deal."

  Ruth was laughing now, and Caleb smiled. The others were finally catching on. They were starting to smile, looking a bit unsure, but relaxing a little. All except for Rachel, who was sitting stiff and silent, fuming in her anger.

  "I do like lapel pins," Jackson said.

  "You'll love this one, Jack! Levi, show Jackson your lapel pin."

  Levi patted the collar of his T-shirt, then shrugged. "I don't seem to have it on me."

  "You see?" Jaime said to Jack and Ruth, shaking his head in exasperation. "Levi barely even tries. If he's not careful, they'll revoke his membership."

  Levi was about to say his family would probably be thrilled to see his membership revoked, but Rachel spoke up before he could open his mouth. "Very funny," she snapped, although it clear she thought no such thing. "Go ahead and make fun of those of us who still believe in old-fashioned values!"

  Isaac and Jacob suddenly looked confused as to whether or not they should be amused at Jaime's joke. Jaime just shrugged. "Your turn, Caleb," he said. He seemed to be the only one at the table who cared they were still in the middle of a card game. "Draw two."

  "You think it's funny to come into our home and mock us?" Rachel asked.

  "It's not your house," Ruth said. "And anyway, he wasn't mocking 'us.' He was mocking you."

  "And you started it," Caleb added.

  Rachel looked at Isaac and Jacob for assistance, but they stared back at her, obviously unsure what to do. They probably agreed with her in principle, but they didn't seem to want to get involved in the argument and her inability to take a joke had always been a bit beyond them.

  "Fine," she said, slamming her cards down on the table and standing up. "I don't want to play any more!"

  She stormed off, and her siblings all shared knowing smiles.

  "Typical," Jacob said. "She always quits when she starts to lose. It's still your turn, Caleb. Draw two."

  Chapter 13

  The rest of the day passed without incident. After dinner, Nancy brought out a giant birthday cake and they sang "Happy Birthday" to Abraham. Afterward, they all crowded into the family room to watch Shrek. Saturday was the day it all fell apart because that was the day his dad called the confab.

  "The what?" Jaime asked, when Levi told him.

  "It's a family meeting. We always have one when we're all together."

  "Is this a Mormon thing?"

  "No. It's a Binder thing."

  For as long as he could remember, his family had met this way. As a kid, it was once a week. They settled arguments or discussed conflicts at confabs. They also prayed together if somebody was having a problem, like when his grandmother had been diagnosed with cancer, or when Jacob's wife had suffered from repeated miscarriages.

  But for approximately the last twelve years, every Binder confab Levi had been part of had ended up being about one issue--him. Specifically, his sexuality. He had been a senior in high school when he confessed his same-sex attraction to his parents. At the time, he'd believed they'd be able to help him change. They'd believed it, too. He hadn't gone on a mission after high school as so many Mormon boys did because his parents felt he wasn't spiritually ready. Instead, he'd gone straight to BYU.

  Back then, the confabs always came down to praying for him or giving him blessings in an effort to help him overcome his yearnings. And for a few years, he'd tried. He really had. He'd read books and met with LDS counselors. He'd sworn he'd force himself to lead a "normal" life. No matter how hard he prayed, though, and no matter how many same-sex attraction support groups he attended, he could not change his desires.

  The more he'd tried, the angrier he became. And the more frustrated he became, the more his family assured him that he simply wasn't trying hard enough. Their blindness, more than anything, was what made him start to lose hope. They were his family. They said they loved him, and he believed them. Why couldn't they see how hard he was trying? Couldn't they see how depressed and lonely he was? All of the effort he put into it felt like nothing less than trying to cut out his very soul. Couldn't they see it was tearing him apart?

  Then, halfway through his junior year at BYU, he'd had his first real sexual encounter. It was a nervous, frightening, bumbling experience, groping and kissing and grinding together in a pitch-black dorm room. But the sheer joy of it--not the sexual pleasure, although that had been nice, too, of course--but the feeling of release, of finally letting his heart out of the box he'd been trying desperately to nail shut, was overwhelming. It was a revelation. The boy he'd fooled around with left BYU a few days later. Levi never saw him again. He didn't even remember his name. But that boy had changed his life.

  After that, he quit trying to redirect his sexuality. He'd come home for spring break and told his parents he was done pretending. He'd asked them to accept him as he was. He'd begged them to support him in his decision.

  Their response was to go completely ape-shit.

  What followed was a week of tears, arguments, prayers and threats, until his father announced with red-faced finality that he wouldn't pay for another credit at BYU until Levi had renounced his same-sex attraction.

  Levi could have finished out the semester. It was, after all, half-over and already paid for. Instead, he'd bought a bus ticket for Miami. And now, ten years later, his parents were still trying to change his mind.

  His family was filing into his father's study, where the meetings were always held. Levi felt like he was going on trial. The meetings never went well for him.

  "I can tell you don't want to do this," Jaime said. "Can't we just go out for pizza and you can accidentally miss it?"

  Levi winced. It would have been nice. But no. His parents had specifically picked a time when they would all be present. If he left, they'd only wait and ambush him later. "Not really."

  "Do I wait out here?"

  The meeting was for his parents and his siblings only. Spouses were allowed to sit in and listen, but they weren't allowed to participate. Most of the spouses chose not to attend, primarily because most of them were needed to watch the children while the Binders met, but Jackson always came.

  "
I wouldn't go in if I didn't have to," Levi said. "Trust me. You'll have more fun out here."

  Once inside, they all sat in a circle as they always did.

  "I'm going to say the opening prayer," his father said.

  Everybody crossed their arms over their chests and bowed their heads.

  "Heavenly Father, we thank thee for this day. We thank thee for bringing our family together, and for the joy we have found in each other's company these last few days. We gather now as a family to discuss any issues we may have, and we ask thee for guidance. We ask thee to bless us with thine spirit, that we may listen to each other with love and understanding. We say these things in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen."

  "Amen," the rest of the family mumbled.

  "Okay," Abraham said, smiling around the circle. "Any new business?"

  "One thing," Jacob said. "I'm sure you're all aware, but I wanted to remind you little Samantha will be blessed tomorrow at church. So I hope everybody's willing to get up early since Mom and Dad's ward meets at eight!"

  His siblings all chuckled and assured him they would be there. Levi kept his mouth shut. He and Jaime would have to leave by eight anyway to make the twelve-hour drive back to Miami.

  "Anything else?" his dad asked.

  Rachel raised her hand. "My sister-in-law recently took a job at a homeless shelter in Salt Lake City," she said. "It's in a rough neighborhood, and I'm worried. I'd like to ask you all to keep her in your prayers, that she'll be safe."

  "We will," his mother said, and the rest of them nodded.

  "Anything else?" his father asked. The circle was silent. "Okay," he said with obvious reluctance. "Any old business?"

  And without fail, all eyes turned to Levi.

  Levi sighed in exasperation. "Do we have to do this?" he asked. "Again? Can't we finish the weekend in peace?"

  A couple of them had the decency to look embarrassed, but the rest of them simply looked confused that he didn't want to discuss his homosexuality for the thousandth time.

  "Levi," his mother said, "we just want what's best for you."