“Oh.”
“But he is a crazy, violent scumbag. No doubt about it. And if he’d known the truth – if he’d known he wasn’t really my dad – he would have…” Eric made a throat-slitting motion with his finger. “Get me?”
Noah nodded.
“So my real dad, our dad, wanted nothing to do with me or my mum, for his own personal safety,” Eric continued. “Kept his distance, pretended it never happened. But I guess your mum is a soft touch, felt sorry for us, or maybe just wanted to keep the secret, so she gave my mum cash, under the radar, like, that our dad had sent her. And it wasn’t much, trust me. He never sent what he should have. But it was fair enough. I mean, he did have two sons, after all. Couldn’t just pretend I don’t exist.”
“More’s the pity, Eric.”
“So, that’s when I found out the truth. Colin, the guy I thought was my dad, wasn’t my dad at all. My real dad, our dad, lived in Spain.”
“How did you find him?” Noah asked.
“Paid some peeps a bit of cash, they did the searching.”
“Well, I tried Google, but—”
Eric smirked. “This was a bit more than a Google search, Noah. This was following shell companies and foreign bank accounts. This was a network of connections that was so well hidden no tax authority in the world could follow it. Clever guy, our dad.”
“Well, really,” Noah huffed. “You expect me to believe you hired … Anonymous or some other hacker group to find Dad?”
“Not Anonymous, exactly,” Eric said, “but people with similar interests.”
“Well, you needn’t have bothered. His address was there for all to see on the letters he sent Mum.”
Eric shook his head. “That weren’t his real address. He didn’t live there, it was just an office that received mail on behalf of customers.”
“Well! You know it all, don’t you?” Noah said. “Well, I know some stuff too, and I know what you were up to. Your plan was to raise enough money through your blackmailing antics to go and confront him! Get what was rightfully yours! The maintenance he hadn’t been paying all these years! And if he didn’t pay up, you’d threaten him that you’d tell Mad Dog Razor Jaws Colin everything! Oh yes, that’s—”
“No.”
“What?”
“I play a longer game than that, Noah.” Eric grinned. “Who cares about a few hundred quid here and there? I didn’t want money off him. I wanted to join him. I wanted in on his business schemes. Wanted to be his apprentice. The money I got off the likes of you and everyone else – that was my investment money. I wanted in as a shareholder; I didn’t want no maintenance. I’m not some little kid who needs looking after.”
Noah stared at him. Never in a million years did he think that would have been the case. His dad and Eric? In business together? It sounded insane.
But at the same time, Noah couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit affronted at the idea, as outlandish as it was. Why would Eric think Dad would choose him as a business partner? In stark contrast, Noah had excellent design and copywriting skills (evidenced by his time as editor-in-chief of the school magazine, Fobb Off!), financial acumen (Cub Scout treasurer), and a sharply honed sense of good customer service (tuck shop monitor in Years Eight, Nine and Ten). If anyone in their right mind had a choice of business partner, they would pick Noah.
“Why did you involve Gran if you’d got it all so sorted out?” Noah asked.
“Save money on the trip over, right?” Eric said. “Once I’d established that she wanted out of that care home, and her mate Dickie had the wheels, it seemed an obvious choice. I get to Spain cheap, she gets to escape. More dosh for my first investment, then.”
“She’s got dementia!” Noah shouted. “How could you have been so utterly stupid, Eric?”
Eric shrugged again like it was all water off a duck’s back. “I didn’t actually know about that. She talked a lot of sense … most of the time. Well, now you mention, some of the time. But I didn’t know about the dementia, I just thought she was old!”
“You know, I have been through hell these last few days—” Noah told him.
“Oh, boohoo, Noah. Boo-bloody-hoo.”
“Right, fine, well, when the police come asking questions, expect no favours from me. Brother or no brother, I hate your guts, you’re a total—”
“Noah—”
“Screw you!”
“Noah—”
“Pathetic little cockwomble.”
“Noah—”
“And in the final analysis, there’s me – never been in trouble, generally a good boy,”
“Even your farts smell of roses?” Eric offered.
“Actually, Eric, I don’t break wind. Breaking wind is a choice. I choose not to do that because it’s disgusting. Like you.” Point to me, Noah thought. And there will be plenty more points to be had before this little meeting is over!
“I know who the father of Jess Jackson’s baby is.”
Noah stopped dead. “Oh?”
Eric nodded.
“Well, I know too,” Noah said, his heartbeat starting to echo round his head.
“But you ain’t got actual proof.”
“I have proof,” Noah said.
“Not like this, you don’t. This is, as they say, incontrovertible.”
He was bluffing. Noah was sure of it. “Impossible.”
“That day you were stuck up the climbing frame in PE with a boner—”
“That’s not true!” Noah squealed. “I didn’t have… Nothing was going on in that department!” He cleared his throat. “But continue…”
“I was doing a little bit of filming on my phone.”
“Yes, I saw you, pervert,” Noah said.
“At one point I popped out to the corridor that leads to the sports hall reception area. Wanted to view back some of my footage…”
Noah nodded. He remembered Eric walking out.
“And that’s when I saw them,” Eric said. “So I hid round the corner and filmed the whole thing. A conversation no one was meant to witness.”
Of course! Of course he had! It’s what he always did. “Eric, I… There’s actual evidence, you say? On your phone?”
“Yeah,” Eric said, grinning to reveal his full set of orthodontically challenged teeth.
“May I… I wonder if you would be so kind as to show me the footage? Maybe I can have a little look? A little peek? At the footage? See what’s what? Check my theory? Could I? I … I know I’ve been mean to you. I have. And I am throwing myself at your mercy. I am pleading forgiveness. I’ve been under a great deal of pressure and I’m not thinking straight. I’m sorry. Do you hear me? I’m apologizing for calling you those mean things. You’re not a cockwomble. You’re … a great guy. A nice guy. Someone I—”
Eric handed him the phone. “Get your eyes all over this.”
Noah pressed play and watched, wide-eyed, as the events played out on the screen. Ninety seconds of HD video that changed everything.
“Brilliant,” Noah said, when it had finished.
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
“What’s happened? How is she? Oh God, you’re both here together; you know everything, don’t you?” his mother gabbled, barging into the room, breathless and frantic, with Josh following behind.
“Hello, Mother. Yes, I can confirm Eric and I now know everything. The lies, the deceit, the duplicity – it’s all come out. Almost all of it, anyway.”
“Well, you can talk, Mr Holier Than Thou!” she said. “Keeping your father hidden in the shed! See, Noah? Your no-good father’s got this way of making people do things, keep secrets. He’s a slimeball like that!”
Noah nodded. “It’s true. Some people do have the gift of the gab. They have this way of making people do things that they wouldn’t normally ever dream of. Why don’t you take a seat, Mother? Josh? Make yourselves comfortable.” He stood and began pacing up and down the room, imagining a roaring log fire behind him and a rug made from a dead bear.
“Noah, what
’s happening with your gran? Is she OK, or…?”
“We have been assured she is fine, and we are currently waiting for medical staff to complete routine tests. All is well, and Gran will live to see several more years of you not visiting her, so don’t worry,” Noah said. “In the meantime, I’ve gathered you all here—”
“What are you talking about? Have you taken drugs?” his mum said. “You didn’t bring us anywhere; you ran away, mister, we couldn’t find you!”
“I just went on a minibreak,” Noah hissed. “To Milton Keynes. I don’t have to inform you of my every move. You certainly don’t.”
His mum sighed and sat down in one of the chairs. “Just sit down, Josh. It’s easier, believe me.”
Noah watched as Josh smirked and sat down next to his mum, hideously taking her hand like all this was really distressing for her. “Ever one to milk a situation, Mother,” Noah said.
“Actually, Noah, this has all been extremely upsetting. I know you think I hate your gran, but I don’t. I just hate going to the Willows, that’s all.”
“Why’s that, Mother? Does it remind you how close death’s cold embrace really is, now that you’re in your forties?”
“Death will be embracing you if you don’t watch it!” his mum bit back.
Noah turned on the spot, sweeping an imaginary cloak around as he went. “The mystery of Jess Jackson’s pregnancy is one that has eluded some of the greatest minds, myself included,” Noah began, ignoring the eyerolls in his audience. “Why would a girl like her make up such a ridiculous story? What was the real truth behind it all? Who really was the father?”
His mother sighed. “I need a fag.”
“You’ll need more than that by the time I’ve finished,” Noah said. “But enough of that. I have in my possession – I shall not say how – video footage showing Jess Jackson telling none other than her boyfriend, Kirk, that she was pregnant and he was the father.”
“I knew it!” Josh said. “That girl’s got some neck! Good for you, Noah, for finding proof. So Kirk dumped her and she blamed you for the baby, just so her parents don’t go mental at her!”
“Interesting that you know so much about her parents, Josh,” Noah observed, turning and looking at him from the corner of his imaginary mantelpiece as he sipped a brandy.
Josh shrugged. “Yeah, I know Jess. And her parents. It’s all about show. All about what other people think of them.”
“The downfall of so many,” Noah said with a faraway look, knowing damn well that applied to him too.
“I’d love to see her father’s face when he finds out,” his mother said.
“My tale is not yet done!” Noah snapped. “Now. I presented Kirk with this evidence,” he continued, beginning to parade around the room again, “but, of course, Kirk wasn’t the father.”
“I thought you had some bloody film saying he was?” his mum said.
“I did. But what no one knew, not Jess, not anyone, is that Kirk… The treatment he had for cancer as a kid had the unfortunate effect of leaving him unable to have children. There was no way he could be the father.”
“Man. That is… So, we’re back to square one?” said Josh.
Noah did a theatrical sigh. “It would seem so,” he said. “Oh! I almost forgot – I have something for you, Josh!”
Noah reached into his pocket and pulled out the little item that Sophie had given him.
A stud. Square and glistening. Like a diamond.
“My stud!” Josh said. “Where did you find it?”
“Someone picked it up as lost property. It is yours, right?”
“Cheers, bro,” Josh said, taking it from Noah. “Love this stud. Thought I’d never see it again.” He fiddled around and put it back in his ear.
Noah had to admit, it did look pretty good.
“Well, this has been really interesting,” Noah’s mum began.
“Oh, sorry, Mother, I still haven’t finished,” Noah said, a smile spreading across his face. “About a week ago, I was stuck up a climbing frame in PE with a … with a small problem. Well, when I say small, I mean … average. Or just below average. I was stuck up a climbing frame with a slightly-less-than-average problem. And that’s when Jess Jackson ran into the sports hall clutching your stupid flyers.”
“Where the hell is this leading, Noah?” his mum said.
“Jess Jackson ran in. She was meant to be doing gym like the rest of us, but she ran in. She’d clearly found your flyers in the reception area of the sports hall, but what was she doing there in the first place, when she should have been in PE?”
“Toilet?” his mum offered.
“Or was she meeting someone?” Noah said. “The best time to meet anyone in school, if you don’t want other people knowing, is when everyone is in lessons. Who was she meeting that she didn’t want anyone to know about?”
“Well, do tell, because we’re all gagging to find out!” his mum mocked.
“The other person who was up to no good that day was none other than Eric,” Noah continued. “He was busy filming the girls on his phone, for what purposes I can’t imagine.”
“Masturbation,” Eric said.
“Thank you, Eric, it was a rhetorical question! I didn’t ask, and no one wants to know,” Noah said. “Eric slipped out of the sports hall at one point, and by the sweetest of chances, he sees Jess Jackson talking to our mysterious stranger. And Eric being Eric, he films it. Jess Jackson talks to this individual and reveals that she is pregnant. She claims she had a drunken night with the individual at a party at her house some weeks ago, but one that sadly didn’t involve any form of contraceptives. ‘No,’ says the individual. ‘It can’t be me. It’s almost certainly Kirk’s … and I’m not going to take the blame. If you say it’s mine, I’ll deny it. And you have no idea if the baby is mine or Kirk’s, and you can’t force someone to take a DNA paternity test, and even if you could, you’ll have to test loads of guys, won’t you? Think how that’ll look to your parents!’ That is what the individual said. Wasn’t it … Josh?”
Silence. Josh erupted in laughter. “You kidding me, right, bro?”
“No, bro, I’m not. It’s all on video, isn’t it, Eric?”
“Every last word,” Eric said.
“What an honourable, decent guy you are, Josh,” Noah said. “Shaming Jess, refusing to take responsibility for your actions, and later being quite happy for me to take the blame! When Kirk dumped her too, Jess was panicked. She just needed someone to be the dad, so her parents wouldn’t go completely ballistic. As you say, Josh, for them it’s all about what other people think of them. When I ended up at her house that night, she realized I was the perfect option. She mentioned how her parents would love it if she brought a ‘boy like me’ home. I was the ideal mark – uncool, vulnerable to the sweet temptations of popularity—”
“Sexually naive,” Eric offered.
Noah grimaced. “If she could just make it look like we’d been seeing each other, she’d have the perfect solution. Well, for the moment, anyway. It wasn’t a foolproof plan, but when you’re up against it, desperately trying to hold your life together, and genuinely scared about what other people think, sometimes you don’t make rational choices.” He glanced away from everyone and briefly closed his eyes. God knew he had experience of that. Him! Mr Intelligent. Mr Top Set for Everything! Even he had fallen into that trap.
His mum extracted her hand from Josh’s. “Josh?” she said. “Is this true?”
Josh laughed. “She did the same to me as she did to Noah – made shit up. Of course I haven’t slept with Jess. I don’t even really know the girl. Never even been to her…” He stopped dead, his fingers involuntarily touching the stud in his ear.
“Never been to her house, Josh? Was that what you were going to say?” Noah smiled. “Except that’s where you lost your earring, isn’t it? About six weeks ago, at the party round at hers. In your extreme sexual passion, as you doubtless ravaged one another with your greedy, hot hands,
and lost yourselves in some sort of vile, sweaty, so-called bliss, the stud was ripped from your ear. Then Jordan Scott walked in on you both and you had to make a quick exit – leaving the stud to be discovered by my friend Sophie.”
“Josh?” his mum said again.
“Man, I don’t know. That girl’s slept with everyone; anyone could be the father.”
“But did you sleep with her?” his mum said.
“Well, yeah, sure I did. I’m a red-blooded teenage guy, so shoot me.”
Mum’s eyes blazed. “Six weeks ago? When you and I had already started seeing each other?”
Josh laughed. “Man, it was just a shag!”
“Well, I refuse to go to jail for murder or GBH, so this’ll have to do,” Mum said, standing up and looking back down at him. “You’re a piece of shit, you really are. I’m sick of men like you – arrogant, entitled, full of crap. Think you’ve got the world on a plate because you’ve spent your whole life getting everything you’ve wanted. Think your good looks and your toned body mean you can say and do whatever you like. Get away with whatever.” She shook her head. “And so often, you do. But where has all that got you? Nowhere! You’ve just turned into the biggest shithead wanker in the world. That’s what you are, Josh. A shithead wanker. Plus, you give it all the urban slang, but everyone knows you’re just a pathetic middle-class boy who wouldn’t last two minutes in an actual city amongst people whose parents didn’t have Amex cards. And you’re shit in bed.”
“There we go,” Noah said. “And it’s prison, Mum, not jail. Just to remind everyone, we’re not in America. Josh? Anything to say?”
Josh glared at him. “Suppose you’re going to make the videos public, are you?”
“No, Josh,” Noah said. “I won’t. For God’s sake, have some decency. Kirk is a cancer survivor! I might not be ace at sport or really hunky like you, but I’m a good person, and I’m going to respect his privacy around his medical condition.” And, happily, avoid being killed. He continued, waving his arm in a circular motion, “And now you, Josh, have the chance to be a slightly less shit person. So this is what you’re going to do: talk to Jess, take responsibility for the baby.”
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