Cow Belle Beauty Queen

by Parkinen, Leena; Urbom, Ruth; Wehner, Katja

  In the centre of the table was the majestic two-tiered layer cake. A message had been piped onto it in red icing: Happy birthday, sweet Lisa! (Sweet? BLEURGH, thought Milena.) The writing was surrounded by a garland of marzipan roses. Lisa’s mum must have spent two days creating that iced work of art.

  Milena took hold of the edges of the cake plate. Her hands trembled slightly as she carried the cake into the garden. Lisa was standing with her arm around a dark-haired girl. The dark-haired one seemed to whisper something into Lisa’s ear, and they both sniggered. Milena saw them glance over towards the boys. She balanced the cake plate on one hand and tapped Lisa on the shoulder with the other. In an instant Lisa’s expression changed from surprise to realisation.

  She took a step backwards but didn’t even have a chance to turn away before Milena smashed the cake into her face. Blobs of cream splatted onto Lisa’s jeans. Her dark-haired chum let out a squeal. Milena noticed how the pink rose garland seemed to lend a stylish, artistic touch to Lisa’s hair.

  ‘Who’s wearing a cream cake now?’ Milena asked.

  Then she saw the adults approaching. Lisa’s mum’s face was now a dull purple. Milena got the distinct feeling that the best thing to do was to clear off out of there.

  When Milena’s mum came to collect her a few hours later, Milena was skulking in some nearby bushes.

  ‘What’s happened to your lovely dress?’ Mum asked.

  ‘A nuclear bomb,’ Milena said. ‘It hit as I was rescuing women and children from a burning house.’

  ‘I see,’ said Mum. ‘That’s nice.’ Then she looked at Milena for a while and gave her a hug. ‘You can tell me if something’s wrong,’ she said.

  ‘Yeah, sure,’ Milena said, looking away. Then she added, ‘You’ve got a sewing machine, haven’t you?’

  It was as quiet as a mouse in the kitchen. Even the birds outside were silent. Mum was snoring on the sofa. Milena held up her creation and admired her work. She had been sewing all night long. She had drawn up patterns and combined Mum’s wetsuit, two pairs of roller skates (from the days when Mum was planning to open a roller-skating café) and an old army tent. The finished results were brilliant.

  Milena looked at the kitchen clock and rubbed her cheeks. Six. It was still ridiculously early. Mum wouldn’t be up for several hours yet. Milena packed her rucksack and ran out to the field.

  The whole meadow by the lake was covered in a mist that hit Milena in the face like a wet towel as she jogged along. Everything looked really different than in the daytime. It felt weird to be out when nobody else was awake yet. Scary. Almost wrong.

  Milena stopped to think things over. Mum had said Milena wasn’t allowed to be out alone late at night. But technically this was morning. Mum hadn’t said she couldn’t go out alone EARLY.

  Milena suddenly had a strange sensation. Almost as if somebody had touched her. She turned round and saw a huge black shape on the hill.

  At first she thought it was Semi-Skimmed, but then she realised it was much, MUCH bigger. If Hefty was big, this thing was absolutely enormous. Its flanks were broader than a farm tractor’s. Milena was frozen to the spot. It was as if the creature had materialised from the mist. Its dimensions seemed to reach as far up as the sky.

  ‘It’s been up there for a while,’ came Semi-Skimmed’s voice from behind Milena.

  ‘Semi-Skimmed,’ Milena sighed. She had never been so grateful to see any living being.

  ‘Shhh,’ the cow said. ‘Don’t annoy him.’

  ‘Do you know who that is?’

  ‘No,’ Semi-Skimmed said. ‘But my grandma Bessie told me about them. He’s a bison.’ The cow let out a long sigh.

  ‘He must have escaped from the bison farm,’ Milena concluded. Now she could make out the creature’s outline more clearly. It was covered in a shaggy black coat, and its breath steamed up in the chilly morning air. She felt safe with Semi-Skimmed nearby. It’s amazing how you don’t feel afraid when you’re with someone you trust.

  The bison snorted. It had noticed them. For a moment it seemed as if it was winking at them. Then it was gone. There was just a shimmer in the mist.

  ‘I know how you can take part in the pageant,’ Milena said, digging the things out of her rucksack. For some reason she was whispering. As Milena explained her plan, Semi-Skimmed looked doubtful. But in the end she didn’t have much choice.

  The Cow Belle Beauty Queen pageant was being held in the field behind the dairy. The place was swarming with local people and tourists who had come to enjoy this rural event. Milena noticed Lisa and her mum among the crowd.

  Everywhere there were red-and-white striped booths selling sausages and fizzy drinks, candy-floss and cow-shaped lollipops, liquorice whips and smoked fish. But the best thing of all was the chocolate fountain that had been set up in a prime spot. Shiny, dark melted chocolate bubbled up from its depths. Its crowning glory was a cow moulded in chocolate that strongly resembled Hefty.

  Semi-Skimmed nodded towards the fountain and remarked, ‘It’s going to be tough competing against that one, isn’t it?’

  Milena, who had been standing open-mouthed in amazement, quickly closed her mouth and shrugged her shoulders.

  ‘I think Hefty’s rump looks pretty broad there,’ Milena said, but she was wondering to herself how in the world they were going to get through the competition.

  She had never seen so many cows in one place. Dozens of them were jostling on the stage that had been set up in the field. There were black-and-white Friesians, slender spotted ones, black ones, brown ones and pink ones. Massive cows like Hefty and ordinary cows that were absent-mindedly chewing their cud, not taking any particular interest in the hubbub around them.

  Hefty stood out from the crowd, even from a distance. Her hide had been brushed until it shone, and her horns gleamed. Snippy and Snooty (that’s what Milena called Hefty’s two sidekicks in her mind) mooed admiringly at their boss from the edge of the stage. They too had red ribbons round their necks and sunflowers tied round their horns. As soon as Hefty noticed Semi-Skimmed, she howled, ‘Look at that one. She’s always been ugly, but now she’s green as well!’

  Snippy and Snooty hooted. The other cows turned to gawp at Milena and Semi-Skimmed. Milena looked at the crowd, but no one was paying any attention to the talking cows. Clearly, adulthood dulled people’s senses. They don’t want to see anything at all that they’re not used to. And preferably with a cup of coffee, the late news on TV and a pair of woollen socks.

  ‘When Skimmy-Dimmy was born,’ Hefty bellowed at the top of her voice, ‘her mum got such a fright, she produced only sour cream for three whole weeks.’

  ‘Hey!’ Snippy (or maybe it was Snooty) noticed. ‘How come she’s wearing a leotard?’

  It was true – Semi-Skimmed’s head was the only part of her that was visible. The rest of her body was covered in a tight-fitting bodysuit. Milena had sewn it out of the wetsuit and the tent. The suit was dark green, a shade darker than Semi-Skimmed’s muzzle. Milena had stitched large four-leafed clovers onto the garment. (She thought a bit of extra luck wouldn’t hurt.) The outfit had helped Semi-Skimmed to recover her self-confidence. Now she walked with her horns held high, wagging her tail.

  They lined up with the other cows and their humans. When Milena saw Semi-Skimmed alongside the other cows, she realised Semi-Skimmed had been telling the truth. She really was smaller than the others.

  ‘When’s the swimsuit round?’ shouted some joker from the audience. Milena recognised him as Farmer Hodge’s grown-up son, who people said was a scoundrel. Milena didn’t know what that meant, but she suspected it had something to do with drinking beer and playing darts in bars. At least that’s what Farmer Hodge’s grown-up son did.

  Then a man in a pinstriped suit came on stage. He was the town’s mayor, and it was obvious he was nervous. He was followed by a perky woman in a posh dress who smiled broadly. Her teeth looked too big and white for the rest of her. The mayor cleared his throat into the
microphone and searched for his glasses. The woman in the posh dress snatched the microphone away and welcomed everyone to the Cow Belle Beauty Queen pageant. She said she was a representative of the Milky Ray chocolate factory. She had come here, to the Arctic Bramble district, to find the new cover girl for their top-selling chocolate bar. Hefty – she nodded at the big brown cow – had been a credit to the brand for three years. At this point Hefty, Snippy and Snooty bellowed loudly and blew kisses at the crowd.

  The woman wrinkled her brow and raised her voice to continue. She declared the competition open. The judges would be making their choices based on charm, posture and – most important of all – the talent round.

  ‘Have a delicious day, everyone!’ the woman in the posh dress squealed, with a smile that made Milena feel as if she were crunching sugar in her teeth.

  At the start of the talent round, Milena took out her secret weapon. Semi-Skimmed shuddered when she saw what it was.

  ‘Roller skates,’ Milena said. ‘I’m absolutely sure there won’t be many cows that have thought of these.’

  ‘There’s a reason for that,’ Semi-Skimmed said, her voice quivering.

  ‘We’ve got to be quick now,’ Milena said as she fastened skates onto each of the cow’s four hooves.

  ‘Couldn’t we just go home,’ Semi-Skimmed grumbled, ‘and watch the latest episode of WestEnders with your muuuuu …’

  The last word trailed off as Milena gave Semi-Skimmed a push onto the stage. The cow rolled along the stage, bumped into the woman in the posh dress and managed to turn around just in time to stop herself falling off the edge. The audience was dumbstruck. Everything went silent for a brief moment. The only sound was someone sucking on a lollipop.

  Semi-Skimmed was approaching the mayor, but he managed to leap out of the way in the nick of time. After a couple of laps around the stage, Semi-Skimmed got used to the skates and was now looping around more confidently.

  The audience snapped out of their astonished silence and began to cheer. That boosted Semi-Skimmed’s confidence, and on the next lap she tentatively raised a hoof as she twirled round. The crowd erupted, egging her on.

  Milena could see Hefty at the side of the stage, looking even greener than Semi-Skimmed. The woman in the posh dress staggered up and attempted to collect her notecards, which had flown all over the place. She announced: ‘There we have contestant number seven, by the name of …’

  ‘Semi-Skimmed – also known as “Four-Leafed Clover” – Tetra Pak!’ Milena shouted. ‘The world’s only roller-skating cow.’ Semi-Skimmed winked, and the front row clapped.

  In her excitement at the crowd’s reaction, she attempted a pirouette, got her hooves tangled up and flopped onto her belly. The audience roared. They thought the ending was the most brilliant part of the performance.

  ‘It looks like the audience has found their favourite,’ the woman in the posh dress said. ‘But now the judges will meet to consider their important decision. Meanwhile, our local stars Death Paunch will perform their upbeat hit, “Bloody Tripe”.’

  A group of bashful farmers, all wearing black leather trousers and black eyeliner, climbed up on stage. Milena recognised her neighbour Masa among the band members. She remembered how many kids in town made fun of Masa because he had a stutter. Now Masa was wearing a leather jacket with a dragon on the back. Masa didn’t stutter when he sang.

  The band rocked so hard, they were even sweating all over the spectators. Milena figured this was an ideal time to go for an ice cream. She thought Death Paunch sounded better the further away you got from them.

  Milena bought a pistachio ice-cream cone for herself and a vanilla one for Semi-Skimmed. (As she was paying, she wondered whether cows actually eat ice cream, but then she saw that there was a big picture of a cow flying against a sky-blue background on the side of the ice-cream stand itself. That HAD to mean that most of their customers were cows.)

  Just as she was about to hand Semi-Skimmed her ice cream, she heard a huge commotion in the distance. ‘Stop, thief! Someone’s stealing the chocolate fountain!’

  Still holding the ice creams, Milena turned round to see Farmer Hodge’s grown-up son running off with the chocolate fountain under his arm. He had suddenly decided he absolutely had to have a chocolate fountain of his own. The fountain was coating everything in range in chocolate, and all the onlookers just stepped aside. Nobody seemed to want to take action.

  Within an instant, Milena had shoved her ice creams into the hands of the person next to her, jumped onto Semi-Skimmed’s back and was shouting to the mayor, ‘Give us a push. Let’s go!’

  The mayor didn’t hesitate. He gave Semi-Skimmed a big shove on her roller skates. Milena and Semi-Skimmed zoomed along towards the market square and the chocolate fountain thief until – BOOM! They crashed into the man. Chocolate splattered everywhere. Farmer Hodge’s grown-up son let out a squeal. He was covered from head to toe in brown gloop and was whimpering in terror. Milena saw something lying on the ground. It was the little statue of Hefty that had been on top of the chocolate fountain – or what remained of it. The chocolate cow had been smashed into so many pieces it looked like a mosaic.

  The spectators who had been watching the pageant started to gather round them.

  ‘They’ve caught the thief!’ a little boy shouted.

  ‘That’s nothing,’ Semi-Skimmed muttered. ‘A cow needs to come up with something to do before dinner. It gives you an appetite, as my grandma used to say.’ Then she thought for a moment and added, ‘Although my poor granny used to go alligator hunting in the sewers, and it always spoiled her appetite. She said they stank.’

  Milena stared at Semi-Skimmed for a moment, then spoke to the audience in a clear voice.

  ‘The whole thing was really Semi-Skimmed’s idea. She’s always playing the hero. The Helsinki police ring her up whenever they’re having trouble with murderers.’

  ‘Murderers?’ the little boy echoed.

  Milena started to feel she might have exaggerated a little too much and hurried to add, ‘But only small-scale murderers. The kind that only murder really small people.’

  The band had stopped playing, and even more people had gathered round Milena and Semi-Skimmed. The local policeman appeared and clapped his hand on the chocolate thief’s shoulder.

  ‘Let’s go, Hodge,’ said the policeman. ‘There’s fish soup on the menu in jail today, with rhubarb cake for dessert.’

  ‘The judges have just returned from their deliberations,’ the presenter in the posh dress announced on stage. She wasn’t surprised that the spectators had disappeared in the other direction. ‘The new Cow Belle Beauty Queen has been chosen. Let’s come back to the stage to hear which one of these magnificent animals has won the title.’

  ‘We want the green cow,’ shouted Farmer Hodge’s grown-up son, whom the constable was leading off to jail.

  ‘The judges have unanimously decided …’ The band sounded a drum roll, and then the presenter continued, ‘The winner is someone who’s already familiar to us from the past three years – Hefty Hoofington!’

  Milena could see Hefty grinning while Snippy and Snooty bellowed. The audience booed, and the presenter looked confused. A small man stretched up to whisper something into her ear, and the woman shook her head.

  ‘This is extraordinary,’ Milena heard the woman mutter, but a moment later she had collected herself. ‘In a change from last year’s competition, this year we have an extra surprise for you.’ Hefty’s jaw dropped, which Milena thought made her look particularly gormless. ‘The chocolate company has decided to launch a brand-new chocolate bar, and we want it to have its very own image on the label. The judges have decided that our Mint Chocolate Truffle bar will feature a cow on the wrapper that looks just like the bar inside: a creature whose colour makes her ideal for this role.’

  The crowd roared their approval as Semi-Skimmed scrambled over to the side of the stage. She shook her head and mumbled something. Milena prodded her
flank. ‘Would Semi-Skimmed and her young friend please come up on stage?’ said the woman.

  ‘What do you want to say to the audience?’ Milena asked Semi-Skimmed. The cow whispered something into her ear.

  ‘My friend Semi-Skimmed here would like to say that, to her, the most important thing isn’t winning, but having a chance to laugh at others. Especially at Hefty, who’s a silly fathead. Also, she wishes for world peace and less cold milking machines. I understand they feel terrible in the morning.’

  The audience applauded.

  ‘I’m not quite sure this speech is really appropriate,’ Milena whispered to Semi-Skimmed. ‘Shouldn’t you be dignified or something?’

  ‘The time to be dignified is when you lose,’ Semi-Skimmed said. ‘My photo’s going to be on a chocolate-bar wrapper!’

  And that’s exactly what happened. The new Mint Chocolate Truffle bar was such a huge success that people were eating it as far away as Udmurtia. And even though Semi-Skimmed got an unlimited supply of chocolate as part of her prize, her weight never went above 500 kilos. Probably because she was such a keen roller-skater. She even took part in the Olympics – but that’s a whole other story.

  That day, though, Milena and Semi-Skimmed weren’t thinking about the future. The audience crowded round them. Everyone wanted to pat them on the back and praise both of them for their cleverness. Death Paunch started playing, people threw streamers, the whole field was full of people laughing and cows wearing garlands. The woman in the posh dress danced with the mayor, and Milena saw Lisa and her mum cheering in the back row.

  Milena leaned over to whisper to Semi-Skimmed: ‘Do you think we ought to head home?’