by Cindi Madsen
“Yes, but focus on the right part. It was horrible. Not anything like the movies or TV shows, and I was so disappointed my first kiss was so dreadful. And I thought it was him—like he was all open mouth, fish lips coming at me. But lately, I wonder if it wasn’t me. Maybe I suck at kissing.”
Oxygen rushed into my lungs, but no air came out, they just inflated and inflated, to the point of being painful. As hard as I tried not to look at her lips again, my traitorous eyes dipped, and longing lanced my heart.
“See?” She curled her arms around herself. “You’re not saying anything, which means you know I’m right.”
“That’s not why I’m not saying anything. I don’t know what to say, but I know that you don’t suck at kissing.”
“How could you know that?”
“I just do,” I said, and I accidentally leaned closer, like her lips were magnetic and calling for me to test them out.
“I almost looked up tips the other night, but even the thought of it is mortifying…” Her cheeks blushed an adorable pink. “There is one other option I thought of.” She swallowed hard and looped a finger through her necklace, sending that hypnotizing charm in the center of it swinging back and forth. “I thought maybe, if I had someone teach me…? Someone I trusted…?”
Her words clicked into place. The way she looked at me, with a mix of pleading and worry, solidified it. She wanted me to teach her to kiss.
Talk about line crossing.
But I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to refuse, and for once, it had nothing to do with trying to help her out.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Kate
As soon as the words left my mouth I wanted to stuff them back in. Yet I couldn’t take it back. I needed help, and Cooper had been with me through this entire journey. The fact I’d made it so far only proved he knew what he was doing.
The longer he stared, the tighter my skin stretched, and my heart ceased working correctly, doing a thudding instead of beating thing in my chest.
Then the hand he had on my shoulder slowly drifted up and cupped my neck, his thumb resting against the pulse point underneath my jaw.
My blood rushed there in response, so quickly it left me dizzy.
“It’s really pretty simple,” he said, but his voice was huskier than usual. He lowered his head, his mouth lined up with mine.
I reached up and curled my hand around his forearm, sure I was going to need to hold on to something.
“Ready?” he whispered, his breath hitting my lips.
My voice didn’t work, so I nodded.
His gaze bored into me for one long, intense second, and then he pressed his lips to mine. A thrill shot through me, from where our mouths made contact all the way down to my toes.
He increased the pressure, teasing my lips farther apart. His arm wound around my waist, and he used it to pull me tighter to him. I melted into his embrace and captured his bottom lip between both of mine.
I sucked it lightly, euphoria tingling through me when he groaned.
His tongue swept into my mouth, just a brief taste that set my body on fire.
Oh yeah, this is what kissing is supposed to be like.
I drove my fingers through his hair and he tilted his head, deepening the kiss and leaving the world spinning around us.
Time froze and sped up.
The ground fell out from under me.
And I wanted more.
I tipped onto my toes and ran my tongue across his lips. His fingers dug into my skin as he eradicated every inch of space between us, and when he swirled his tongue around mine, I was grateful for my grip on his arm and his strong hold on me, because my knees buckled.
But he didn’t let me fall.
He never let me fall.
When we broke apart, he looked at me, his eyes dazed. But as soon as he blinked, they sharpened and he cleared his throat. “So, yeah. Something like that.”
I raised a hand and pressed my fingertips to my still tingling lips. I didn’t know what to say. I wasn’t sure I was capable of speech anymore. Breathing pretty much took all my effort right now, and the world hadn’t stopped spinning yet.
Finally I found my voice. “Um, well…thanks. Coach.” Now I sort of wished my voice had stayed lost. Since I couldn’t stop the awkward train once it was in motion, I even added a punch to his shoulder.
Cooper’s eyebrows drew together. He ran a hand through his hair and glanced back at his house. “Guess I better get back before my parents realize I’m gone.”
But the sparks! I needed to know if he felt the sparks, too. They were still shooting through me, laying waste to every tingle and flutter I’d ever felt with Mick, and making me crave more.
Say something…
“I should probably get home, too.”
Not that. But here I was thinking about our kiss, and he seemed to be looking to escape. If he wanted more—if he’d felt the sparks I had—this was the perfect opportunity for him to say so.
Then again, I supposed I could say something. Maybe. I licked my lips, my heart pumping double time, but fear held me back—fear of rejection and of messing up our friendship, and I couldn’t stop thinking about those awful days where he’d needed space, and how hard it would be to get through the rest of the school year without him. “See you tomorrow?”
“Yeah,” he said, his gaze skimming right over me. “Tomorrow.”
A tight band formed around my chest, and I scolded myself for letting my emotions get tangled up in his kissing lesson. I should’ve known this was a horrible idea. Honestly, I hadn’t been thinking clearly at all, and that was the problem. Impulsive emotional decisions never worked out well for me. Carefully laid plans with bullet points were where it was at.
Cooper started away, and my heart dropped to my toes. Then he spun back and gave me a half smile that held a hint of sorrow. “’Night, Kate. I hope all your dreams come true.”
Which meant that he wanted me to take Mick to prom, right?
I didn’t even wish him a good night. I just stood there, beyond confused, wondering when I’d let myself fall for the wrong boy.
Chapter Thirty
Kate
Armed with the knowledge of how to kiss, I approached Mick in the school hallway, telling myself to ignore the people around him.
But at the last minute I chickened out and dodged the other way.
Actually, calling it chickening out was chickening out in its own way. My detour was more about thinking about someone else than being scared to talk to Mick. I was too afraid to dive deep into that complication, though, because I wasn’t sure how the other half of that equation felt about me.
On my way to my locker, several guys smiled at me—including one of Mick’s closest friends, which I thought was weird. Did that mean Mick didn’t tell them we’d gone on a date?
A few girls whispered, and I swore it was about me, because I got fake, snide smiles when I passed them. What’s going on? Did I enter some kind of alternate universe?
Chalking it up to not getting any sleep last night—I’d relived my kiss with Cooper countless times, tossing and turning as I thought about how I wanted to do it again, and how crossing that line would be a huge risk to our friendship, so it couldn’t happen again. Then I tossed some more as I replayed how unaffected he’d seemed—to the point that I wondered if he was lying when he told me I could kiss.
Frustration and confusion now mixing in with the twilight zone feeling, I grabbed my books and headed toward my morning classes.
My heart sped up when I spotted Cooper in the crowd.
I didn’t know if I should let my thoughts wander to where they were going, but it was too late to stop them anyway. They dwelled on the delicious sensations the press of Cooper’s lips brought on. The way he wrapped his arm around my waist and held me so tightly to him. The touch of his tongue to mine.
Residual heat coursed through me, the frenzied butterflies in my gut now gliding around with wings on fire.
Afterward he’d been closed off, but during that kiss, he’d been anything but. His low groan, the way his fingers dug into my sides—that wasn’t unaffected behavior. Right?
I suppose after Amber, I stopped trying a bit. Maybe even retreated into myself. Putting myself out there was hard, and the sting of rejection hadn’t faded as much as I wished it would. It made it hard to take another chance, especially one with such high stakes attached—the statistician in me couldn’t help calculating the odds, and when it came to Cooper, even a one percent chance of messing things up between us didn’t seem worth it.
In a lot of ways, Mick was the safer option. While I’d had a crush on him for a long time, it was all attraction and daydream based, so my heart wasn’t all caught up in him, completely exposed and unprotected.
If Cooper rejected me, on the other hand, I didn’t know if I would ever get over it. It’d be like Amber ditching me times a thousand. I’d experience that crushing loss that sucked away happiness and accentuated loneliness, and just the thought was enough to give me heart palpitations with a squeezing side of anxiety.
Arms wound around my waist, and I thought Cooper must’ve seen me having a panic attack and come to steady me.
Instead, Mick’s voice filled my ear as my back met his chest. “Morning, sexy.”
Disappointment flooded me, and I worked to wipe it off my face before I spun around. “Morning. I’m, um, kind of—”
“In a rush? As usual?”
I smiled. “Yeah, actually.”
Mick hooked his finger in my belt loop. “Even though that flick was super cheesy, I had a good time at the movies last night.”
“Uh, yeah. Me, too.” I decided not to mention I thought the movie was romantic and swoony, not cheesy, because that conversation would take too much time and my thoughts were too tangled up with other swoony romantic sensations I’d experienced last night near the shore of the lake. “Can I talk to you at lunch? Like I said, in a rush.”
“Actually, I said it for you, because you’re always rushing off in the mornings.” Mick tapped my nose, and it was a cute gesture and all, but I wasn’t feeling it. Everything felt off, and I supposed that was the push I needed.
“Okay, well, see you later.” I broke away and sprinted down the hall, past worrying if it made me look like a crazy person—I didn’t give a damn about looking too serious anymore, either.
I caught up to Cooper right before he turned into the English department hallway, which was in the opposite wing of my first class. I was working on not worrying my impulsive move might make me late, because I needed to see where he and I were at before I made any more decisions.
My tightening throat made speaking suddenly seem impossible, but this was Cooper, so I forced myself to push through my nerves. “Hey.”
Okay, so it wasn’t, like, a lot of words, or a grand declaration or anything, but seriously, why were my hands shaking?
He barely glanced at me. “Hey. I’m kind of in a hurry.”
Ironic, considering I’d just blown off Mick with the same excuse, which wasn’t helping with the shaking hands thing. I grabbed Cooper’s arm and pulled him to a stop, my pulse thundering in my ears. “I understand hurries and not wanting to be late for class and all, but I…” Need a sign that I’m not alone in thinking that we’re great together.
For you to look at me or talk to me at the very least.
When I didn’t get any of those things, I cleared my throat. “I just wanted to say thanks again. For last night.”
I held my breath as hope and desire flooded my chest, waiting to see if I saw a spark. Saw that he couldn’t stop thinking about our kiss, either. Something. Anything.
Standing there, my hand on his arm, it hit me, so strongly my knees wobbled. I didn’t want someone who made me incapable of speech. I wanted someone who I could talk with about my passions and hobbies and anything and everything. Someone who made me laugh, who truly knew me, and made me feel completely unsteady in the best possible way.
I didn’t want safe and risk free. I wanted the boy who kissed me under the starlit sky last night.
I wanted Cooper Callihan.
He didn’t even look at me. “Sure thing.”
My heart dropped to the floor, taking my hope along with it. I pinched the charm of my necklace between my fingers. “I’m afraid I crossed a line, and I worried—”
“It’s fine, Kate. What are friends for?”
The word friends shouldn’t have stabbed me in the chest the way it did. I needed his friendship. He was my only friend. Of course he had only been trying to help me last night.
“Like I said, I’m in a hurry. I’ll catch you later.” Without waiting for me to respond, he quickened his pace and charged down the hall.
I blinked back tears. Get it together. Blaming lack of sleep for being overly emotional—might as well blame it for everything—I rushed to my first class of the day, where I focused on the material like I’d never focused before.
At lunch, Mick strolled up to me and draped an arm around my neck, his hand dangling dangerously close to my right breast. “Are you off the hook for this afternoon?”
I gripped the cardboard box with my lunch inside tighter so I wouldn’t drop it. “Off the hook?”
Vaguely I noticed he’d walked us over to the table with his friends. “With Callihan?” Mick’s eyebrows arched up. “And the rowing thing?” His look turned from questioning to frustration. “Didn’t you say you were going to try to get out of training with him so you could hang with me instead?”
“Oh. Right. I’ll talk to him.” Not that he’ll talk back. He’ll probably be in too big of a hurry.
“She’ll do more than talk to him,” Paris muttered from her seat to our left. “I have to give it to you, Kate. I never thought you’d be the type of girl to juggle all the guys.”
I stiffened. Then I dared a glance at Mick. “I’m not…” Hell, maybe I accidentally was. But one thing was for sure: I definitely wasn’t doing a good job.
“Back off, Paris,” he said. “Jealousy doesn’t look good on you.”
Her mouth dropped open and she spun toward her group of friends with a huff. Amber eyed me, looking like she didn’t recognize me—which seemed a bit like the pot calling the kettle black, but whatever.
I wanted to run, but I sat down instead. If Cooper didn’t like me as more than a friend, I couldn’t blow everything with Mick right now. Surely a bit more time with him, and my feelings for Cooper would fade.
My gaze automatically sought him out, obviously not getting the memo about us trying not to think about Cooper right now. He and Jaden sat at their usual spot with Alana. A studious guy was next to her, his lips moving a hundred miles a minute. He didn’t seem to notice everyone else looked bored out of their minds.
Despite whatever drab topic the dude was going on and on about, longing to be sitting over there and listening in rose, giving me a torn-apart sensation.
Cooper slumped back and scanned the room.
Our eyes caught, and he gave me a big thumbs-up. Actual encouragement over sitting next to Mick, and it should feel like a win.
But it didn’t.
When I dragged my attention off Cooper, Mick gave me an inquisitive look. Right. I needed to be putting in my time here, finishing up my mission so I could put on my fancy expensive dress and go to prom with a guy who wanted to kiss me instead of one who dealt with doing so in the name of friendship.
“About what Paris said…” I didn’t even know how to finish that up, but I felt like I needed to explain before he got the wrong idea—the idea everyone else apparently had about me now.
“It’s not a big deal. Callihan told me that you weren’t into serious.”
A sinking sensation went through my gut. “He did?” Our plan included me coming across that way, sure, but he’d actually told Mick that? I thought we were more about show than tell. Telling was different, and more�
�just more. My trust felt completely violated, and the raw feeling in my chest that’d started somewhere around the strained conversation with Cooper in the hall this morning grew even wider.
“Yeah. I don’t want to be tied down right now, either. It’s stupid to start anything when school’s almost over and we’ll just be heading to college soon.”
“Right. That’s exactly how I feel.” My voice came out scratchy, the lie shredding it on the way out. How had I ended up here?
Oh yeah. I set a goal and decided I’d do whatever it took to achieve it. I lifted my sandwich and forced myself to take a bite, even though I no longer felt very hungry. “So that wouldn’t bother you? If he and I were…?”
“Only if you blow me off for him this afternoon.” Mick moved his lips next to my ear as his hand curled around my thigh. “I have plans, and they involve me and you, alone in my house.”
Man, if Mick’s friends thought I was a hookup girl, no wonder they were extra friendly. An icky feeling settled in my gut, turning my one bite of food sour. This wasn’t how I wanted to end my high school years—being known as the girl who went from shy and serious to not shy or serious at all. Maybe other girls were okay being that kind of girl, but it wasn’t me, and honestly, I was sick of working so hard to be someone I wasn’t.
I’ve certainly landed myself in a mess this time. Worse, I had no idea how to get myself out of it.
It needed to be by myself, too, because clearly I had to do the rest of this mission without Cooper Callihan.
Chapter Thirty-One
Cooper
Kissing Kate had been a mistake. Not because it wasn’t amazing, because it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and I wanted to do it again and again and never stop kissing her. But the stabbing jealousy I experienced every time I saw her with Mick made it hard to breathe or think, slicing so much deeper now that I knew what her soft lips felt like against mine. How it felt to hold her in my arms and have her cling to me as if she never planned on letting go.
For a few amazing minutes last night, I’d convinced myself she felt the same way I did, because otherwise the kiss wouldn’t have overpowered me like that. But when I saw her in the hallway with Mick first thing this morning, his arms around her as he whispered in her ear, reality came crashing in. I was the guinea pig guy. Practice for the real thing.