by Cindi Madsen
When it came to deciding exactly what I wanted to do with my life, I struggled to make a solid decision. Partially because Dad already made it for me, but honestly, committing to one thing for the rest of my life made my chest squeeze too tight. It seemed so final, and with most of my life stretched in front of me, I didn’t want to choose wrong and end up living with regrets. The only thing I’d ever fully committed to was rowing, which had to do with my love for gliding through the water more than team spirit.
For the first time in my life, I was completely sure of one thing I wanted, no second-guessing, no fear over thinking in long-term scenarios.
I wanted Kate.
I wanted her sitting next to me in the cab of my truck, or in my boat, or on the foot of my bed—or really, wherever, because it didn’t matter where we were when I was with her. I wanted to listen to her babble on and on about couples she shipped in that dreamy yet passionate tone, and to show her constellations as we laid out under the stars and laughed and talked until both of us were too hoarse to speak. Then we’d speak in other ways, kissing until her breaths were mine, and mine were hers.
I’d tried not to hope—even shut my emotions off the best I could the instant the kiss ended—but after a night of tossing and turning, I’d decided I was going to tell her how I felt. With my attraction moving into the consuming range, simply avoiding her wasn’t going to be enough to repress it, and I knew I couldn’t hold back how I felt anymore.
Or that was what I thought before I saw her with him.
I’d detached myself the best I could this morning so I wouldn’t explode when she’d tried to talk to me—no doubt about how successful kissing practice had been at helping her be more comfortable with Mick. I’d felt so ripped open and raw, I couldn’t even look at her. I kept telling myself I couldn’t get mad at her when she’d been crystal clear about the point of our deal and I was the sucker who went along with it, but I was angry all the same.
Then she was with him at lunch, too, which only rubbed salt in the wound, and I’d had a pointless day of classes where I couldn’t focus for shit.
Stupid me, I’d still kept an iron grip on that tiny glimmer of hope that called to me and said once we were alone in my boat, I could do something to make her see me and how amazing we could be together, and get her to change her mind. Get her to pick me instead.
While staring at the door of the school, holding my breath as I waited for her to come out, my phone had chimed with a text from her.
Then it became painfully clear I needed to face the fact that she didn’t want me the way I did her.
I’d lost her, but even worse, she hadn’t ever been mine.
I looked down and re-read the text.
Kate: I know this is totally hypocritical of me, but I can’t meet you for rowing practice today. I need some space.
Yeah, space from me so you can get with Mick. I’d mildly disliked the guy before, but that’d just been upgraded to loathing with a fiery passion.
I climbed in my truck, slamming the door shut, and peeled out of the school parking lot. The lake would only make me think of Kate, so I went home to wallow.
The second I stepped into the living room, I kicked myself for not going to the lake. Or at least checking the garage before coming inside.
Dad sat at the table, dozens of legal documents spread out in front of him. He looked at me before I could attempt to dart up the stairs unnoticed. “Hey, son. I just got this new case. You should come take a look. Get a taste for the files you’ll be digging into this summer.”
I moved over to him and the words on the multiple files blurred together. Evidently knowing what I wanted with Kate—even though I couldn’t have it—unlocked the part of me where all my desires lay, and they wanted to burst out and make themselves known. I’d already had it with today, and I figured it couldn’t get much worse.
I cleared my throat and looked at my father. “I don’t want to be a lawyer. I want to be on the rowing team and study marine biology. I’ll probably minor in astronomy while I’m at it.”
“If rowing’s that important to you, you can be on the team. But that’s not a good bachelor’s degree to help you get into law school. And they certainly won’t be impressed by astronomy as a minor.”
Frustration bubbled up inside me, threatening to burst free, but I knew yelling would only drive this conversation into explosive territory. “Well, if you listened to the first part of that statement, I don’t want to be a lawyer, so going to law school would be a waste of time.”
Dad’s eyes lifted to mine, anger simmering in the brown. “I know it’s a lot of school. But Callihan men are lawyers. It’s in our blood. Hasn’t it provided a nice life for you? My work is what allows you to be out goofing around on that lake all the time.”
I ignored the goofing around jab, still trying to keep our discussion civil. “I appreciate all you’ve done for me, I do. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to live the rest of my life working a job I don’t want.”
Dad rose and leaned over the table, his posture all intimidation. “If you think I’m going to pay your tuition so you can go dink around, you’re wrong.”
I straightened and looked him square in the face. “Then I guess you’ll have to get used to the idea of your only son going to community college.”
A muscle flexed his jaw and he narrowed his eyes. “Where is this coming from? Is it that girl you’ve been hanging out with? Your mom says you two are close—don’t tell me you’re going to give up college to be with your high school girlfriend.” His tone made it clear how laughable and pathetic that’d be.
Steel filled my lungs, leaving them too heavy. “If Kate was my girlfriend, I just might. But she’d never ask me to give up what I wanted to do—she’d encourage me to go for my dreams. The truth is, I’ve felt this way for a long time. I didn’t want to disappoint you, or to make you mad enough to lose your temper.” I threw up a hand. “Mom and I tiptoe around you, trying to make sure there’s no noise and no mess here to keep you happy. But I can’t live like that forever. More than that, I shouldn’t have to. And neither should Mom.”
Red flooded his face, his anger reaching the boiling point. “If you think I’m just going to let you throw away your life—”
“Paul.” Mom stepped into the room. “Can you just listen to him? Listen to what he’s saying. Just for once, listen.”
“You’ve babied him too much,” Dad shot at Mom before pointing his finger in my face. “You’re doing the summer internship, and you’re getting your law degree. End of story. Now, it looks like I’m going to have to take this to the office instead of spending a quiet night here like I hoped to.” He swept his files off the table and tucked them under one arm. “I hope you’re both happy.”
With that, he stormed out of the room. The slam of his office door echoed through the hall.
I ran a hand through my hair and let out an exhale. “That went well.”
“He’ll calm down, and then hopefully he’ll be more open to a rational conversation,” Mom said, moving over to me.
“We’re talking about the same guy, right? He’s going to come up with three hundred arguments to prove his side, and there’s nothing you or I can say to change his mind. I appreciate the support, but you should just save yourself his anger and agree with him next time.” I turned to walk out of the room, but Mom stopped me with a hand on my shoulder.
“If you can be brave, so can I. We can’t tiptoe around him all the time. One day he’s going to have to learn that having a family means there will be people who live here and make noise, and occasionally even messes.”
I shook my head. “I’m not brave.”
If I were, I would’ve told Kate how I really felt, despite having the odds stacked against me. I wouldn’t just let her go to prom with some idiot who didn’t even know what a lucky bastard he was.
…
“Cooper?”
I spun around to find Amber. Since she and I had barely exchan
ged words this year, I fought the urge to scratch my head over her sudden appearance at my locker. The anxious body language confused me even more. “Yeah?”
“Do you have a date for the prom?”
“I’m not going to prom,” I said.
She glanced down at her feet. “But if someone asked, maybe you’d change your mind?”
“Who? Paris? Whatever mild flirtation she and I had ended long ago.”
Amber frowned. “I don’t do everything for Paris. I’m asking for me. I hoped you’d go to prom with me. I figured since Kate’s going with Mick…”
My stomach bottomed out. “She asked him?”
“I’m not sure who asked who. I just heard that they’re going together.” She leaned in and whispered, “Paris is super pissed about it.” If I wasn’t mistaken, Amber looked a little gleeful over her supposed friend’s anger.
But I couldn’t concentrate too much on that, because all I could think about was Mick and Kate. She asked him to prom. It’s really over.
I didn’t think I had any hope left, but the gut-punch, heart-clench combo made it clear I’d been holding on to something, and it’d just been ripped from me and squashed like a bug.
Kate and Mick. At prom. He’d push for more than kissing on a night like that, and I wanted to do something to stop it, but it wasn’t my place, and she’d made her decision.
I hated her decision.
It’d be torture to be there and see them together.
“So? What do you say?” Amber flashed me a big smile. “Will you be my date for prom?”
Chapter Thirty-Two
Kate
I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry…
Glittery streamers surrounded me, dammit. Not to mention the shimmery gossamer. The decorations the prom committee ordered came in today, so we were sorting them and checking to see we had everything. But I couldn’t concentrate on the pretty decorations, or what my dress would look like next to them, because I’d just overheard Paris talking to Minion #1 about how Amber had asked Cooper to prom.
And he’d said yes.
The image I’d had of him in a tux by my side evaporated for good, and I regretted not asking him to go with me, even as just friends. Every pump of my heart spread the misery flooding my chest farther, making it that much harder not to give in to the urge to cry.
While Cooper acted like he hated all things prom, Amber was super pretty, and that no doubt factored heavily into his decision to go with her to the dance he was suddenly okay with attending.
I’m sure he didn’t waste a second before saying yes.
The guy I now needed to ask by default? Not so much on the surety scale. He’d tried to kiss me yesterday at his house. I’d pulled back, and that time it had nothing to do with freezing up or thinking about how many other girls he’d kissed.
It had to do with the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about the cute rower who’d given me kissing lessons under the stars. If those were novice lessons, I definitely wanted to get to the super advanced level—I was all about practice making perfect with Cooper’s lips, even if our kiss had been so amazing I didn’t know how it could possibly get any more perfect.
Mick had been gentlemanly enough about the entire situation. I told him that I was sorry, but I moved slower than he was used to, and while he looked completely befuddled—probably because Cooper implied I just hooked up with guys all the freaking time, which still ate at me—he politely drove me home.
He didn’t talk to me at lunch, though.
Not that I talked to him, either.
I ran into Jaden as I’d been holding my lunch, unable to commit to either side of the cafeteria, and he’d asked, “Trouble in paradise?”
“With me and…Cooper, you mean?” If Cooper had mentioned the tension and weirdness between us to Jaden, then maybe I wasn’t all alone on Sappy Island, missing him while he didn’t think twice about me.
“Oh no,” Jaden said. “I know you guys are just friends. Cooper told me you had a thing for Mick Pecker. But just know that you’re welcome at our table any time.”
Anger had coursed through me, every ounce of confidence I’d gathered the past month melted, and I’d left the cafeteria without talking to anyone else. How dare Cooper tell people about my crush on Mick! What part of top-secret mission was so hard to understand? Who else knew? If Mick found out the level of my obsession he’d run screaming.
For all I knew, he already wanted to.
More and more, Operation Prom Date looked to be a total bust. Maybe I’d sit at home in my beautiful formal gown and re-watch Arrow episodes while mainlining soda and cookie dough. At least the dress would see some action, even if it were onscreen and involved way more fighting than kissing.
When the kissing did happen on that show, though… Tears blurred my eyes, the packing list in my hands swimming in two. If not even Olicity could cheer me up, then I was utterly and totally screwed.
The more I thought about it, the more tears pressed on my eyes. Before I made a fool of myself and made Paris’s day by giving her enough emotional ammo to scar me for life, I dropped the checklist on the pile of decorations and rushed out of the room.
And slammed right into Cooper.
His hands came up on my waist as he steadied me, and the intense desire that automatically flared to life was torture. Like the type of torture where shows flashed-forward and expected you to be cool with the canon couples suddenly not being together anymore.
I blinked away my tears as quickly as he wanted me to row, desperate to stop them. “Ugh, of course you’re here.”
Cooper’s expression hardened. “I see how it is. Once you’ve gotten what you want, you throw away the person who helped you.”
“Were you helping when you told Mick I was a hookup girl? Or when you told Jaden I had a thing for Mick? Was anything we did kept secret?” My voice cracked, so I put more force behind it, making sure it was as sharp as the pain in my chest. “Or did you tell everyone about how pathetic I am, that I needed help to land a prom date?”
Cooper grabbed my arm and pulled me away from the crowd of people who were starting to stare. “Look, I didn’t say anything to anyone, except for telling Jaden that you liked Mick, so not to bother wasting his time with you. But you’re about to tell everyone yourself. Jeez.”
Defeat weighed me down, along with a good dose of sorrow that Cooper and I couldn’t even be civil to each other anymore. That wasted time comment hurt like hell, too, sending the pain deeper, until even my bones ached with it. I clenched my jaw, renewing my chant of I will not cry, I will not cry. “What does it matter anymore, anyway? Might as well just let everyone know. Maybe if I tell them first I’ll at least sound a little less desperate.”
“I don’t understand why you get to be mad,” Cooper said. “You got what you wanted. You’re going to prom with Pecker. If anyone should be mad, it’s me. You bailed on our rowing sessions, leaving me in the lurch. And let’s not forget how you convinced me to talk to my dad. It went horrible, by the way, and then were you there, like you promised you’d be?”
My beat-up heart splatted in my chest. How could I be there when being around him only made me think about what I’d never have? Still, he was right. I’d sent the message about needing space, copping out when I should’ve been there for him. “I’m sorry. He freaked out? Are you okay?”
Cooper made a disgusted noise in the back of his throat. “Don’t act like you care now.”
“I do care!”
Mick came over and put his hand on my back. He narrowed his eyes at Cooper. “Is everything okay here?”
“Great. Of course it’s you.” Cooper shook his head. “This is just perfect.”
Mick tensed, and I put my hand on his arm. “It’s okay. We were just talking.”
“She’s right. We were. But now we’re done.” Cooper threw his hands up, like he wanted to wash them of me, and then he backed away.
And I had a feeling that when he’d said
we were done, he was talking about more than just our heated conversation.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Kate
I kept telling myself to stop obsessing over Cooper’s and my heated exchange, and to definitely stop caring that I hadn’t talked to him in days. After all, he’d broken my trust, one of the things I considered most important in a friendship.
Apparently we weren’t friends anymore, either, and that realization sent a sharp twinge through my chest.
There was only one way to turn this whole situation around, and I figured at this point, I had nothing to lose. At lunch on Friday, I walked over to Mick and his friends, and when he glanced at me, I shot him the best smile I could muster. “Can I talk to you? Alone?”
“Sure.” He told his friends he’d catch them later. As we walked out of the cafeteria, he put his arm around my waist and tucked his hand in my back pocket.
I hated that all I could think of was when Cooper had done the same thing—as a knee-jerk reaction—and then overwhelming longing rose up, and it was for the wrong guy, and why didn’t my brain get it?
“That’s not an option,” I muttered.
“What?” Mick asked.
“Um, nothing.” I swallowed and turned to face him, glad that it made it too difficult for him to keep his hand in my pocket. I’d thought when the time came, this would be easier. Clearly I’d thought a lot of things that’d turned out to be false.
My nerves frayed, and I convinced myself that was a good sign. It meant I cared enough to get anxiety over asking Mick the question I needed to. Unfortunately that thought didn’t calm me nearly enough, because heaven forbid this be easy.
It’s now or never. We’re at T-minus three weeks and one day till prom…
Think about Dad. How he’d be proud that I did whatever it took to complete my Operation, despite all the bumps along the way.