Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  “Dammit, Alex! Why? You left two and a half years ago! Why are you here now?”

  Suddenly I remember why I’m here. I need to know, have to know, if and how she’s been able to move on. Because I’ve been stuck and miserable for two and a half years. “Tabby, you know why I left you. Where is he?” My anger surfaces as I glance around for any indication that Seth lives here with her.

  “Alex, oh my God. Are you fucking kidding me? You came back here to remind me what I did to you?” She yells and stalks toward me, waving the paper in my face. “That’s not fair, and you know it. Just - just get the fuck out. You can’t do this to me. I don’t deserve this anymore. You left. You destroyed me. But now, I’m over it. I’ve moved on.”

  I’ve never seen her like this. She’s angry and so sure of herself. So capable of this type of control. She looks like she’s about to pummel me and I’m strangely happy to see this.

  “Tabs…” I start to say.

  “No! You don’t have the right, Alex. No right! I’m not your ‘Tabs’ anymore, and I haven’t been for a long time. You’re not allowed to call me that. To call me anything! Get. The. Fuck. Out!”

  Holy shit. Holy shit. What have I done? She’s right, I don’t have the right. She isn’t mine anymore. She’s his and I should have never come here. I feel exactly like I did a few years ago when I said goodbye to her. Lost and alone. Again.

  Her eyes blaze with fury. I need to leave, like right now. I stand and walk toward the door. But something causes me to stop, nags at me. I need to know this one thing.

  I turn around, and she stops in her tracks. She was following me to the door, probably to lock it after I left.

  “Tabby.” The soft toned word coming from my mouth surprises her but I continue. “Are you with him? Are you married?” I really don’t want to know the answer, but I need to.

  The fire leaves her eyes and she looks confused.

  “What?” She leans her head to the side.

  “Seth. Are you and him together? Married?” I brace myself against the wall, preparing for her response. Ready to have the wind knocked out of me.

  She looks at me and she laughs. A bitter laugh. “Married? Are you fucking kidding me? No, Alex, I’m not married.” She shakes her head in disbelief.

  Okay, I guess that’s good, and I’m suddenly hopeful. I want to smile, but I’m afraid to set her off. She’s glaring at me and I realize that I need to know more.

  “Where is he? Are you still with him?”

  Please don’t let them be together.

  “No, Alex! Is that what you want to hear? To make sure that I’m fucking miserable without either one of you in my life? No. I’m not with him. I’m not with anyone. I have my shit together now, and for once in my miserable existence, I’m happy.” She huffs and throws herself onto the couch. “I’m happy. I’m alone but I’m happy. But I bet you didn’t want to hear that.”

  Relief floods my chest. I’m selfishly thankful that Seth is out of the picture.

  “Oh,” I say. Well, shit. She has me figured out, and I feel like a royal douche.

  “No, that’s not what –,” I stammer, and she interrupts me.

  “Alex.” She raises the paper with her address, balls it up, and throws it at me. “You. Have. No. Right.”

  She’s right. But instead of walking out the door, I turn and sit down in the chair across from her.

  “Tabby, I’m sorry. You’re right. I don’t belong here,” I say. But I want to say so much more. I want to tell her that I was wrong. That I never should have left. That I should have stayed and tried to understand what happened. I should have given her the benefit of the doubt. I should have fought for her like she deserved. She had my heart and I never should have ripped hers to shreds.

  She sits up straight with a determined look on her face. “And, by the way, you owe me an explanation.”

  Wait. What? An explanation? Now I’m confused.

  “What are you talking about?” I ask her.

  “You owe me an explanation. Why didn’t you ever return my phone call?” She glares into my eyes.

  What is she talking about? Phone call? I never heard from her after I left. I didn’t want to hear from her, but I certainly never got a phone call or a message from her.

  “Tab-“ I stop myself from using my pet name for her. “I never received a phone call. You never called me. I honestly don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  She laughs and shakes her head. “Whatever, Alex. I called you about two months after you left. I needed to talk to you. Some girl answered your phone and told me that you were ‘incapacitated’.” She huffs and looks disgusted.

  Who could she be talking about? What girl would have answered my phone? My confusion grows and I shake my head.

  Feeling the need to defend myself, I say, “Listen, I don’t remember much about the last few years, much less the few months right after I left. If someone else answered my phone, I never got the message.” I try to think who it could have been. I’m upset that I missed the opportunity to talk to her. Maybe she called to apologize and make things right. “What did you need to talk to me about?”

  Panic rises in her face again and she starts to stammer. “Nothing. I – I don’t remember. It was a long time ago. I just don’t know.” Her eyes flit all over the room, and she starts to wring her hands again.

  I should drop this now before she freaks out again. I have the urge again to grab hold of her and never let go. I think I will always want to take away her pain and anxiety.

  “Okay. No big deal. But you should know that I never got a message that you called," I say as sincerely as I can.

  She takes a deep breath and looks back into my eyes. She’s uncomfortable, I can tell. “Well, that explains it then, doesn’t it?” she says coldly. “Someone answered your phone and didn’t tell you. End of story.”

  She’s so quick to end this discussion topic and I need to know why. But I don’t want to push her since we are actually getting somewhere right now. At least I am.

  “Right. End of story,” I say.

  She relaxes into the couch and her eyes soften.

  “Why are you really here, Alex? Why?” She shakes her head in disbelief.

  I need to tell her that I originally sought her out to prolong her misery, hoping that she was as fucked up as I am. But I can’t do that to her. She really seems different. Better. I can’t ruin her, as much as I wanted to this morning.

  “I just wanted to see you. To see for myself if you had truly moved on … from me.”

  Her eyes glisten and a single tear slides down her cheek. “Alex. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what you want to hear. I’m better. I’ve moved on with my life. I’m … happy. Or at least I was.” She blinks and looks away.

  I feel terrible about this entire scene and wish that it could have started and ended differently.

  “I’m sorry that I came here today. I clearly disrupted your happiness. I didn’t mean to.” I start to stand up. I need to get out of here before I press her against the wall and make her mine all over again.

  I want to pull her to me and inhale her scent. Jesus, I just need her.

  “Wait. Um. What’s next, Alex?” she asks softly.

  I freeze as I hover over the chair and slowly sit back down. “I don’t know. I just – I just wanted to see you, and well, that’s it.” My emotions are all over the place, and I can’t get my thoughts out. I’m confused that she seems to be okay. Better than me. I’ve thought about her constantly, about her and Seth, and pictured them with a house, SUV, dog, and two kids. Jealous that she was able to move on when I couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Shit.

  “I don’t know.” I lean forward and place my face into my hands.

  “We don’t need to know what’s next, I guess,” she says. “We can just continue on our separate paths.” She looks sad as she says this, causing my chest to tighten. “There isn’t anything really to discuss, is there?”

  There isn’
t? I think there is a lot to discuss. Over two years worth of things to catch up on. But I respond, “No I guess not.” Is this the right answer?

  I start to fill the silence with a lame explanation as to why I’m even here right now. “Epic Fail is on a creative break. We’re all exhausted and trying to take some time to regroup. I’ll be in Philly for the next few months, so maybe I’ll see you around?” I stand up and walk toward the door, determined to leave this time.

  “Oh. Okay. So maybe I’ll see you around,” she says.

  “Yeah.” I open the door, walk out, and turn to face her. God, this is awkward now.

  “Tabby, you look really good. I’m so sorry that I scared you today. That wasn’t my intention at all. Shit, I’m just so sorry. I’m glad you’ve found yourself. It really shows.” I smile weakly and fight my need to possess her.

  My statement seems to stun her and her eyes soften even more.

  Just walk out the door, Alex. Walk away.

  “Thank you, Alex.”

  God, her smile.

  I reach out to touch her face, but change my mind.

  “Bye, Tabby.” I pull the door shut so I can’t see her eyes anymore, and rest my head against the door.

  Oh my God, what has she done to me? What am I doing?

  My heart pounds in my chest and I head down the stairs. Her door opens, but I don’t look back. If I do, I don’t know if I can control myself. I know that I need to be with her, but I also know that coming here was a mistake.

  I can’t have her.

  It would destroy the both of us.

  Present

  Age 24

  Dear Tabitha,

  I don’t even know if you are going to read this. I hope that I sent this letter to the right address. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please forgive the intrusion into your life, but I need to tell you that I had a private detective looking for you for the past seven years. I sent this to the address that he finally found. He tracked down one of your employers, Kirsten Holden, and found out that you are still employed at her bookstore. So I’m sending this letter there in the hopes that it finds you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t find you sooner.

  But he wouldn’t let me.

  Oh my God, I hope I’m doing the right thing.

  I’m sure you remember me, Marta, Tony’s mother.

  I stop reading, crumble the letter, and clutch my chest. What the fuck? Marta Constantino? Tony’s mother? What could she possibly want with me? I feel sick to my stomach as I realize the potential implications of this woman contacting me. Oh my God.

  I jump as I hear a loud banging on my door and Kirsten’s chipper voice outside.

  “Tabby? Are you in there?”

  I toss the letter toward the garbage. It bounces off of the wall and lands on the floor. I roll my shoulders to release the tension, and hurry toward the door.

  “Coming!”

  My hands shake as I open the door, and the first thing I see is Kirsten’s huge grin.

  Just like always, she pulls me into a tight embrace then kisses my forehead. She knows I love when she does that because it makes me feel like she’s my sister. It’s exactly what I’ve pictured an older sister doing each and every time she greets me. It gives me the warm fuzzies, and I don’t do warm fuzzies. Warm fuzzies ended a long time ago when Trina died. Momma. I shiver a little as I picture what I remember of her beautiful face.

  “Hey, Kirsten,” I say faintly.

  I turn toward the living room, hoping she doesn’t see the panic on my face. I glance toward the crumpled letter and swipe a tear from my cheek.

  “Tabby, what’s wrong?” she asks in her motherly voice.

  I plaster on a smile and turn to face her. “Nothing. Nothing is wrong. Everything is great!” I feign another smile and my lie feels genuine as it passes my lips.

  “Well, you look like you just saw a ghost. Or worse, a zombie!” She laughs and pushes playfully on my shoulder.

  “Seriously, what’s up?” she asks. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you like this.”

  She’s right. It’s taken a lot of time, but I have been better. Happier. She had to counsel and console me so much more when I was younger and insecure. I haven’t been like this, felt like this in a long time. I decide to keep the letter a secret for now until I can finish reading it and know why Marta sent it.

  “Nothing, Kirsten. It’s all good. I was just thinking about Alex. I’m not sure what’s next. I don’t know what to think. His visit the other day still has me a bit rattled. That’s all.” That is an understatement. His showing up here completely rocked me to the core. And the way he acted like he wanted me all over again, his intense eyes capturing my own? If he had said the word, I don’t know what I would have done.

  “Well, that makes sense, considering he just showed up after radio silence for the past FEW years!” She smirks. “I mean really, what does he expect? He never returned your call. Shoot, Tabby, now I’m sorry that I gave him your address so he could come to your apartment.”

  I am still a little annoyed that she would just give him my address without giving me a heads up, but I know she meant well.

  But shit. She doesn’t know the truth. What would she think of me if I told her? Kirsten has no idea that Alex never found out about my pregnancy. I feel sick to my stomach and clench my fists. I’m the jerk.

  “Kirsten, I never told him.” I gasp and throw myself back onto the couch.

  “What? What do you mean you never told him? What didn’t you tell him?” She sits down in the chair across from me.

  “He didn’t know. He doesn’t know.”

  I put my head into my hands and the sobs come. I can’t believe that I was finally on track to a better me, a better life. Then he shows up at my front door and brings back these feelings that I’ve all but forgotten.

  “Honey, it’s okay.” Kirsten sits next to me, wraps her arms around my waist, and wipes the tears from my cheeks.

  We sit in silence for a while, and then she says, “Why don’t you tell me. Tell me what you didn’t tell him.”

  “Oh my God, Kirsten! What could I possibly say? That ‘I kissed Seth behind your back, and then slept with him after you left me?’” I muse. “Yeah, that would go over great. It would only get better if I said ‘Hey, Alex, I also found out that I was pregnant and then gave the baby away. I don’t even know if you or Seth is her father!’”

  I pause, not sure if I’m going to laugh or cry.

  “Kirsten, let’s get real here. He’s not sure what he’s looking for right now, and this all coming out would just send him away again. And I don’t know if I want him to go away. Ugh.” I wince as I realize the truth in my words. “I just can’t.”

  She pulls me tighter against her side and pushes my head onto her shoulder. I look at the floor, see the letter again, and flinch.

  That ball of paper on the floor seems to be moving toward me. Marta Constantino and her web of lies are rolling like fucking tumbleweed on my living room floor. I really can’t deal with all of this today. What could she want with me, and why would she be looking for me? If she found me, then he certainly can find me too. For all I know, she may have led Tony directly to me by sending that fucking letter. I feel imminent dread and my chest tightens. He’s going to find me. He’s going to kill me.

  My panic starts to set in and I push myself away from Kirsten and lean into the back of the couch. I take deep breaths to try to calm myself. I need to focus on something else before I come apart at the seams. She doesn’t even know about all of the awful things that Tony did to me. Only Alex knows. He knows everything. As close as I’ve grown to Kirsten over the past few years, there are still so many things that I can’t share with her. With anyone.

  Only Alex.

  “What am I going to do? How do I tell him? After all of these years? How can I tell him?” I continue my one-sided conversation. “No, Kirsten. I can’t. He wouldn’t understand.”

  “Tabby. Let’s think this through, okay
?” Kirsten says. “You don’t have to say anything to him today or next week or next month. But eventually, you will have to tell him. He has a right to know. My God, what if he comes back here and sees Emily? Look around you! Her pictures are everywhere.” She spreads her arms out, turning her palms up to the ceiling while looking around the room.

  She’s right. I look around the small living room and see my daughter’s smiling face everywhere.

  “Oh my God. Do you think he noticed them when he was here?” I glance over to the bookshelf that has the photo albums prominently displayed. Carly, Kyle, and Emily are all over the place. Emily’s face is truly everywhere. On end tables, book cases, walls. Two years worth of milestones and happy times. Her beautiful smiling face. I gasp. He was here for a while the other day. How could he not notice Emily?

  “Oh, no. I’m not ready to tell him.” I close my eyes and shake my head. I don’t know if I can ever tell him.

  We sit in silence for what seems like forever. I contemplate all of the scenarios of Alex learning the truth, and none of them end well.

  Kirsten speaks first.

  “Are you ready to go or do you need a minute?” she asks.

  Go? Where?

  Oh, shit. I completely forgot what brought her here in the first place. We’re celebrating her birthday tonight and she hopes to accidentally run into someone at the High Note. Now that Epic Fail is back in town, I know just who that someone might be. Tristan.

  Suddenly, I want to run and hide. I’m afraid to leave my apartment, afraid to see Alex again. What if he has more questions for me? I can’t answer them right now. My God, what if Marta told Tony where I was? What if he’s lurking around, just waiting to pounce? I get the chills as I think about the worst possible scenarios. Tony finding me and strangling me in a dark alley. Alex’s cold eyes as he finds out about Emily. My head spins, and the thought of stepping foot outside brings a panic attack closer to the surface. Breathe Tabby, breathe.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea if we go to the High Note tonight,” I say softly.

  “Oh, it’s okay,” Kirsten quickly replies. “I figured that we should try to avoid that place for a little while.” Her voice trails off and I feel terrible. It’s her birthday, and as terrible as I feel right now, I can’t make this all about me. I need to try to put my anxiety to rest for a little while. If I can.