Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  Fucking hell. She fucked him a few days after I made love to her. I can’t get the picture out of my head. Seth on top of her. Owning her. Tabs looking into his eyes and letting him. The rage starts to spill into my guts. I clench my fists again and close my eyes. I see them naked, bodies entwined. I see her crying out in pleasure as he drives into her. Fuck! I open my eyes, and she’s staring at me.

  “Alex, talk to me. Yell at me. Do what you need to do to get the rage and anger out. Get it all out now. Today. And be done with it. We can’t prolong this so just let me have it.”

  Is she crazy? She doesn’t want me to unleash on her. She hasn’t even seen the levels to which I can let loose. She’s ridiculous. “What do you want, Tabitha? You can’t be serious that you think I’m just going to scream and yell and get over it? You kept a child from me. A child that could very well be mine. Do you think I’m going to walk out that door after I throw a tantrum and forget about it? You’re fucking insane!”

  “No, I don’t expect you to forget anything. As a matter of fact, we have a lot to talk about. But I need you to get past this rage so that we can talk rationally. You need to understand what I went through while I was pregnant. And you can’t possibly understand or even listen to me when you look like you want to pummel me or strangle me, I can’t tell which.”

  She’s right. I need to calm down. I rub my hands on my legs, take a few deep breaths, and close my eyes. “Okay, tell me what led you to this. Why you felt that you couldn’t track me down to tell me. What about these people?” I point to the photo album of the Finnegans. “Tell me everything.” I glance down at the picture of Emily and my chest tightens. Could this little girl be mine?

  “I found out that I was pregnant about two months after you left. I was devastated and scared. I knew that I couldn’t raise a baby in my condition. I was fighting severe depression. Clinical depression. Seth and I got together shortly after you left. He was there for me during my loneliest times.”

  She pauses to let me digest what she just said. The fucker just wanted to get in her pants the whole time. I remain calm so she can continue. “Go on. But please stop painting a picture of you and Seth and your alone time. I can’t take it anymore.”

  “When I found out that I was pregnant, I told him. His immediate reaction told me everything that I needed to know. He wasn’t ready to be a father any more than I was ready to be a mother. He told me he would support me as best as he could, but he couldn’t be a father. I didn’t understand his reasons, but I had to respect them because I had similar doubts myself. My doubts revolved around my poor self perception and my inability to cope. After I tried calling you and you never returned my call, I made the hardest decision of my life.” She stops and grasps the locket around her neck. “The second hardest decision. I’ve given up two children, Alex. I’ve given them up because I couldn’t be a mother, not at that time. Granted, Sara was basically ripped out of my arms, and I was forced to consent to her adoption. But I don’t kid myself when I say that she’s in a better place without me. I’m sure she’s having a wonderful life. And I know that, wherever she is, she’s better off because nobody deserves to live through what I went through with Tony.”

  What she is saying makes sense to me. Tabitha was an insecure and frightened mess a few years ago. She had a right to be. She had been terrorized by a monster back then. She had to overcome fear and dependence, and I see that she has achieved that. My heart softens a little, but I don’t show it to her. “Go on,” I urge.

  “I made the decision to give up Emily. Seth and I talked about it endlessly. It was really our only and best option for her. I contacted an adoption agency, and a caseworker walked me through the process. She started sending me profiles of families looking to adopt a child. When I came across Carly and Kyle Finnegan’s profile, I immediately connected with them. They are a beautiful couple who are unable to conceive a child on their own. They went through countless cycles of infertility treatments, yet they remained strong together. I admired their strength and wanted to give them what they couldn’t create themselves. After the first time that I spoke with them on the phone, I felt that it was meant to be. That Carly was always meant to be Emily’s mother. I didn’t deserve that right. Not for all I have done in my life. Not for all of the pain that I’ve caused others. Emily didn’t deserve to be brought into my disaster of a life. They deserved her. They deserved happiness. I fell in love with them, Alex. They were perfect.” Her voice softens, and she looks at me again.

  “Why wasn’t I part of this decision? You keep saying Seth helped you make it. But, Tabby, I can’t get over the fact that I wasn’t involved in it. Why?” I’m suddenly sad that I wasn’t involved at all. I need to understand more about why she would do this. “At the least, aren’t there legal processes that have to be followed? I have rights, don’t I? Nobody asked me to sign them away.”

  “The agency and the lawyers involved had your rights revoked.”

  “Seriously? What the fuck, Tabby? My rights were revoked without my knowledge? How is this fucking possible?” I’m completely baffled and furious right now.

  “I don’t understand all of the legalities of it. Maybe you could Google it. Basically, notices were posted in the state of Pennsylvania stating that if you thought you might be a birth father with Tabitha Fletcher, then you should step forward. It was a sixty day notice, and when you didn’t respond to it, your rights were automatically revoked.”

  Her explanation has so many fucking holes in it that I can’t even process.

  “I wasn’t some random, nameless dude who fucked you! We were together! I have a name! What did you tell the judge? The lawyers? That I was unknown? I’m not stupid, Tabby. If you had given them my actual name, they would have tried to track me down. And that’s not a hard thing to do. I’m in a band. They could have gotten in touch with my management, tour company, you name it. But you didn’t give them my name, did you?” Yes, I’m accusing her. I’m fucking livid. I would have known about Emily. I wouldn’t be finding this out after the fact.

  She nods her head in agreement. “Yes Alex, you’re right. I could have given them your name. I should have. But I didn’t. I was scared, and you had already rejected me once. I can’t go back and change what I did and I wouldn’t. I may not know who Emily’s birth father is, but I know who her real father is and that’s Kyle Finnegan.”

  “But you took that choice away from me!” I yell at her, and this time, she doesn’t flinch. I pick up the picture of Emily and toss it across the room in anger.

  She just nods her head again. “Yes I did. And I’m sorry.” She closes her eyes and clasps her hands in front of her, and I can tell she’s nervous. “I’m so sorry, Alex.” She looks back up at me, and her eyes are glistening with tears. “I pictured us as a family. Me, you, and Emily. I pictured it for almost nine months. I also pictured you hating me for tying you down to a life that you never asked for. I felt the years of pain in a loveless relationship or marriage. You feeling trapped by your unwanted wife and daughter, unable to pursue your dreams of living and breathing your music. I pictured you resenting me and that beautiful little girl for holding you back. So yes, I took that decision away from you, and now you know why. It was for you. For you to be free of me forever. That’s what you wanted when you left me. That’s what you told me. I ruined us. A child was never going to fix us. And a child certainly wasn’t going to allow you to live the life that you always dreamed.”

  I stare at her in disbelief. The old Tabby was so fucking damaged. The fact that she even thought this way breaks my heart. She doesn’t know what I would have done. She can’t possibly know. But part of me understands where she’s coming from. A scared, damaged, broken shell of a girl made that decision. Not the Tabby that’s sitting in front of me.

  “I don’t know what to say to you right now.” It’s the truth. I sit back on the couch with the photo album of Emily with her family. I trace her face with my calloused fingertip and picture her gigglin
g and calling me Daddy. I realize I’m smiling when I make eye contact with Tabitha again.

  “Alex.” She chokes back her tears. “I also pictured you as a father. A wonderful father. Dancing with her. Playing with her. Giving her away at her wedding. I imagined all of this and what life would be like as a happy family. I really did and I need you to believe that. But that visualization wasn’t enough for me to believe that it would ever come true. Emily deserves so much more than the ‘what ifs’. She deserves the life that she has with Carly and Kyle. What they have is unconditional and pure. We couldn’t give that to her, Alex. We just couldn’t.”

  “What makes you think that?” I whisper. But I already know the answer because I am starting to believe her.

  “Because I don’t know who her father is. And I’m not sure that it matters, does it? If Emily is yours, then the dream that I had would have come true, right? But it really would be a lie. You’d constantly see me with Seth, knowing that we were intimate and together during a time that you weren’t here. Your insecurities would take control and so would mine. You wouldn’t be able to look at me with love and trust.”

  She pauses to calm herself down. I watch her and don’t say a word.

  “And what if Seth is her father? How could you stay with me knowing this? You’d look at Emily every day and resent her. Knowing that she is a product of someone else’s love for me. It would be ugly, and I’m not saying that you wouldn’t ever get over it. But Emily doesn’t deserve that. Ever.”

  I nod and look down at a smiling Emily. I flip through the photo album, pausing on another family picture. They are at the beach and her father is holding her feet in the water. She looks like she’s mid-giggle, and he looks so happy. Why can’t this be me? I begin to realize that I, too, don’t deserve to be a father. I shouldn’t breed. My bloodlines are tainted and fucked up. My father was a monster, and I may have inherited that gene.

  Even though I realize this, I can’t let her off the hook. “Tabs, you should have told me. What you did was wrong.” I look into her eyes. “You know that, right? Please tell me that you know how wrong this was in every way.”

  “Oh, Alex, yes. I know it was very wrong to keep this from you. I should have tracked you down. I should have told you. But you have to know that I would have made the same decision, regardless of your knowledge of my pregnancy or not. I still would have given Emily up for adoption. I would have fought you for what I believed was right, if it was necessary. I would never go back and change that decision. Ever. She belongs with them and I am going to prove that to you.”

  I’m curious about her lack of regret in giving up Emily. “You would never change your decision? Look at you now. You’re more than fit to be her mother and to give her the life she deserves.”

  “You know, I think about that every single day. How I would be a good mother now. But in hindsight only. Yes, I’m more successful now and have a stable job and life. Yes, I have my depression under control and I don’t hate myself like I used to. I could give her a good life, hell, a great life if I were to start today. But the past few years have been very difficult, and I know that I would never want Emily to be forced to live through the pain of my healing.” She pauses then says, “Are you okay?”

  “Tabby, I don’t know what to feel right now.” My heart aches, grabbing and pulling in my chest. But my heart is breaking and longing for a child that may or may not be mine. It’s hard not to think about what could have been. I don’t say this out loud, but it’s also breaking for Tabby and what she went through. I stand up and place the album back down on the table. “I need to go.”

  “Alex?”

  “I can’t be here any longer, Tabby. I need to leave and process all of this. It isn’t every day that you get punched in the gut a dozen times. That’s what this feels like.” But it actually feels worse. I feel eviscerated.

  I walk to the door and open it. It feels like I’ve done this way too many times with her. Walked away after she completely destroyed me. How many more times can I do this?

  “Goodbye, Tabs,” I say maybe for the last time. She gasps but I don’t turn around.

  I.

  Just.

  Leave.

  Past

  Age 18

  MY FIRST couple of months in Portland have been interesting to say the least. I haven’t even seen Tony, the owner of the club. Dante swears that he exists. But I guess that remains to be seen. Hollie showed me the ropes and I’ve been doing great. Tips have been incredible. My outfit is skimpy, but I’ve gotten over that. My birthday has come and gone. I’m eighteen and I’m officially an adult.

  I’ve settled into my apartment, but I’m still trying to make it feel like ‘home’. Since I came here with practically nothing, I’ve had to add a few things here and there. I finally framed the picture of Trina and me that was taken about a month before she died. I’m holding her hand, looking up at her, and she’s smiling down at me. My heart clenches when I think of her. I miss her so much and wish more than anything that I was back in Philly with her. It’s been ten years, but it seems like just yesterday that she died. I close my eyes and picture her beautiful face, hoping that when I open them, she’ll be standing in front of me. I squint and see that I’m still in my apartment.

  I take a deep breath, place the picture back on my nightstand, and walk into the kitchen. At the same time, I hear someone fumbling with the lock. I stop and stare at the doorknob. No one has been up here since Dante moved me in.

  A man’s deep voice comes from the other side of the door. “Madre, this fucking key doesn’t work!”

  “Mi figlio, let me try mine,” says a woman.

  I’m standing in the kitchen as the door opens. A man and a much older woman come through the doorway. My presence clearly startles her while the man smirks.

  “Who are you?” she asks.

  “Mama, this must be the waitress that Dante told us about.” He turns to me. “Are you?” His stare seems to go right through me. This man is huge, and his eyes look dangerous. His grin turns into a scowl.

  “Y-yes. I’m Tabitha,” I stammer.

  “See, Mama, I told you it was her.” His eyes travel up and down my body as if he’s trying to undress me. His sinister stare makes my skin crawl. This man is dangerous. I look around for an escape route, but there isn’t one. In order for me to get through the second set of locked doors, I need to call Dante or one of the bouncers. I won’t get past this hulking man even if I tried.

  “Tony, leave her be,” the woman says with a scolding tone. She turns toward me with the same scowl on her face. She must be this man’s mother. The resemblance is striking, but she stands at about five feet tall where he is easily over six feet.

  “Mama, leave, please. I’d like to spend some time with Tabitha. I’d like to see what all the fuss is about.” He turns toward me. “I hear you’ve done very well so far. Pulling in more tips than some of my best dancers. And you’re just a waitress. I’m curious about you. Yes.”

  The woman turns to leave, and I almost beg her to stay.

  “Tony, I’ll be waiting in the club. I ordered your favorite from the chef. Please, don’t be long.” She looks over her shoulder with wide eyes. She looks worried.

  The door shuts behind her and Tony turns back toward me. “Why do you look so pale, Tabitha? What’s wrong?” He sneers at me.

  My heart races and fear takes over. My breathing speeds up. Oh my God, what is this man going to do to me? He makes Richie Lohman look like a cuddly teddy bear.

  His menacing eyes follow me as I back up toward the bedroom. “Oh, you aren’t quite ready for me in there. Yet,” he says.

  What? Holy fuck. “Mister, I’m not looking for any trouble. I just don’t understand what you want,” I sputter. I need to get out of here, but where can I go? There aren’t locks on any of the interior doors, so I can’t put a barrier between us. Not that it would matter, since he looks like he can bust through any door.

  “There are so many
things that I want, Princess.” He licks his lips as his black eyes lock onto mine.

  I shiver, and my knees almost buckle underneath me. My breathing becomes shallow. The burning in my chest begins, signaling the start of a panic attack. This can’t happen now! This man wants to hurt me. How can I protect myself?

  He stalks toward me as I cower in the corner of the room. He closes the gap, reaching me in just two or three strides. His hand immediately goes behind my head and grabs onto my hair. He pulls so hard that pain shoots down my spine. I gasp for air, letting out a silent yelp. He brings his face close to mine. The smell of cigarettes is overpowering.

  “This is going to be fun,” he growls into my mouth. I try to pull away, but his grasp on my hair is firm. Any small movement sends more excruciating pain down my back. The stubble from his beard digs into the skin on my cheek. He’s rubbing his face along mine, and suddenly, his lips are on my ear. His hot breath on my neck makes me want to vomit. The more I tremble, the faster and harder his lips travel on my neck. One of his giant hands pulls my tank top down, exposing my breasts. He backs up slightly, still firmly clutching my hair, and takes in the sight of my naked torso. Licking his lips again, the snarl is back on his face, and he lowers his mouth to my right breast.

  What’s happening? What does he want from me? I whimper when his tongue harshly licks my nipple. My whole body is trembling now, and I’m able to cry out. “No. Please. No!” I try to push him away from me, but he’s like a brick wall. He slows his attack on my breasts so he can chuckle. Pain shoots from my skull when he pulls harder on my hair. He positions my head so that I’m staring into those black, soulless eyes again.