Dear Tabitha

by Trudy Stiles

  She raises her eyebrows and cocks her head to the side. “What do you need that for?”

  “Just give me this one thing, please.” I beg. Do I have a right to know? Of course not, but something is telling me that I need to go after her.

  She glances at the clock on the wall. “Her flight leaves in less than an hour, so you won’t be able to catch up to her even if you leave right now. As far as I know, she’s returning on Sunday.”

  Three days? What could she be doing out there for three days? I look at Kirsten and can tell she already regrets giving me any information about Tabby’s flights.

  “Thanks, Kirsten.” I turn and jog out onto the street.

  She yells after me, “Alex, wait! You don’t understand!” Her voice fades as I pick up my pace and run toward my apartment.

  Whatever she is going to do out there, she won’t be alone. I don’t care what Kirsten says about this trip being different. I sense something bad, and I can’t let Tony get his hands on her ever again. We may not be together, but God, I can’t leave her alone. She may not know it, but she needs me. At least I hope she does.

  I’m going to Portland.

  Past

  Age 20

  ALEX HELD onto me last night like he couldn’t let go. God, I didn’t want him to, and holy crap, that kiss! I have never been kissed like that. Ever. I felt it in my belly and never wanted it to end. He’s been so patient with me, and he somehow knew that I was ready for something more. I could see it in his eyes all night. When he led me to the back of the bookstore, and we stood under the mistletoe skull, I knew that it was going to be perfect. It was the perfect birthday kiss.

  A grin spreads across my face as I stretch in my bed. My phone starts buzzing under my pillow and I smile as I reach for it, expecting Alex on the other line. “Hey,” I say in my softest, sexiest voice possible.

  “Wow, don’t you sound sexy this morning,” Seth says on the other line. I sit up and pull the covers to my neck as if he can see me through the phone.

  “Hi, Seth, good morning.” I clear my throat and try to speak in my normal tone. Shit! I feel like an idiot. I should have looked at caller ID before I answered sounding like a sex kitten. God, I’m so embarrassed.

  “Did I wake you up? You know we have plans to go to Penn’s Landing today for lunch, remember? It’s ten-thirty. Get a move on!” He laughs into the phone.

  “I’m up, I’m up! I’ll be ready in forty-five minutes. I’ll meet you at Starbucks at Third and Arch.” I hang up the phone and dash into the bathroom to shower. After I turn on the water, I look at my reflection in the mirror. The scar on my cheek is fading but my memories of Tony are not. It still terrifies me that he may find me, and I’m constantly afraid of his demonic retribution. He’ll make me pay for what I did to him, if or when he gets his hands on me.

  I touch the scar and slide my hands down to remove my tank top. I think about Alex and the way he held me last night to try to calm myself down. I’m wearing the same tank that I wore underneath my ugly sweater and it still smells like Alex. Crisp, clean with a hint of his musk. After I remove it, I pull it to my face and inhale. Amazing.

  I step into the shower and reluctantly wash Alex’s scent from me.

  ~

  I arrive at Starbucks about ten minutes late and see Seth sitting in the window with two Venti iced coffees. He lifts his head and smiles as I walk through the door.

  “Hey sleepyhead,” he says through his grin.

  “Hey, yourself. Thanks for waking me up this morning, I can’t believe I totally overslept!” I slide onto the stool next to him. We sit side by side at the counter that faces the city street. It’s a hobby of mine to watch people as they go about their daily routines. What are these people thinking? Feeling? What happened to them this morning or yesterday? Are they married? In love? Wealthy? Or just getting by? I enjoy imagining who they are and writing their stories in my head about their day to day lives.

  “Great party last night,” Seth says. “Don’t you think?” He leans toward me and nudges my shoulder.

  “Yeah, I was totally surprised. Thanks so much for being there and celebrating with me.”

  “Of course. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world. You’re my best friend, Tabby, and I couldn’t think of a better place to be. I had a great time.”

  I sigh and take my straw between my teeth. I see a couple across the street holding hands and laughing. They look so in love. My chest clenches as I picture me and Alex in their place. If last night was real, I think we may be heading in that direction, and I’m happy and nervous at the same time.

  “Earth to Tabby…,” Seth says as he playfully pinches my arm. “Where did you just go?”

  “Oh, just daydreaming about that couple over there.” I point across the street. “They seem really happy, don’t they?”

  “Yeah, they do,” he answers. “You and Alex looked just as happy last night.” He pauses for a moment. “Are you happy?”

  I turn to look at him. “Yes, I think so. I’m starting to feel really good being with him. He’s been so patient with me, and God knows I’ve given him enough reasons to run in the other direction. I mean, look at me! I scream crazy, don’t I?” I ask and wonder how he’s going to answer me.

  He chuckles. “Seriously, Tabby. You may not know this, but you are far from crazy. You’re beautiful and fun, and Alex is a lucky man to have you all to himself. If I weren’t your friend, I’d be super jealous.” He winks at me as he takes a sip of his iced coffee.

  “Ha! Jealous. You’re a lunatic, Seth. You have no idea about all of the crazy thoughts that go through my head every day. Trust me, there is nothing to be jealous of. I’m a handful.” I laugh nervously.

  He gives me a funny look, jumps onto his feet, and reaches for my hand. “Let’s go, it’s time to go check out Penn’s Landing.” He pulls me from my stool, picks up our drinks, and carries them outside as I follow. The cool air hits my face, and I’m happy it’s November and my birthday is over. Seth and I have been sight-seeing together since we first met almost a nine months ago. He was new to Philadelphia, and once he broke through my cold exterior, we’ve been friends ever since. I really enjoy these fun times with him, and I’m glad that he’s become one of my best friends.

  We spend most of the afternoon taking in the sites and enjoying people watching. I’m always so relaxed around Seth, and we’ve become close over these past few months. Alex thinks that Seth has ulterior motives, but I don’t see it at all. Seth has never made a move on me and respects our ‘friends-only’ boundaries. He’s also been fully supportive of my growing relationship with Alex.

  Every trip around the city ends with us buying the corniest or ugliest shot glasses as a souvenir and today is no different. We tuck our glasses into our pockets and make our way back to my apartment.

  As we approach the building, we see Alex leaning against the outside wall. My heart leaps in my chest as a huge smile paints across my face. “Alex! Hey,” I say and he looks uneasy as he sees me walking toward him with Seth.

  “Tabby, Seth,” he addresses us and looks upset.

  “Hey, Alex. Your girl and I have been taking in the sites of the city today. Thanks for letting me have her for a few hours.” Seth seems nervous, and I can’t believe that he just called me ‘Alex’s girl’. My cheeks flush as I make eye contact with Alex.

  He smiles at me as he reaches out for my hand. “Well, thanks for bringing her back to me in one piece,” he says as he dismisses Seth.

  “Bye, Tabby. I’ll see you at the diner on Thursday? I’m thinking I’m going to need to fill my fix for those incredible French fries. You’re working, right?” he asks.

  “Yes, I’m working on Thursday. See you then.” I smile and wave goodbye to him.

  Alex and I silently walk up to my apartment. Once we’re inside, he pulls me against his chest and kisses my forehead. “God, I thought about you all day today. I missed you.” He takes a deep breath, looks down at me, and puts his f
inger under my chin.

  My face is now tilted up toward his and I smile. “I missed you, too, Alex.”

  He pulls me closer to him and slowly kisses me, caressing my face with his fingertips. I close my eyes, breathing him in. I kiss him back and allow him to part my lips with his tongue. He sweeps it into my mouth, gently entwining it with my own. His hands travel down my arms and his fingers lace with mine. Our kiss slowly ends as he pulls away.

  “So, yeah. I really missed you,” he says as he leans his forehead against mine.

  I pull away from him so I can take my jacket off because it’s suddenly hot in here. I’m warm and tingly all over. I toss it onto the chair and walk toward the kitchen.

  “Are you thirsty? Would you like something to drink?” I ask over my shoulder.

  “Ice water, please, very cold,” he answers with a grin on his face.

  I get two large glasses of ice water and make my way back into the living room. As I walk toward him, my feet tangle in something on the floor, causing me to trip. What happens next seems to occur in slow motion. My hands release the glasses filled with water, and as I fall forward, they fly into the air. Alex dives to catch me, and while he’s successful at stopping my plunge to the floor, the two glasses tip and pour over both of us. We fall to the floor, soaking wet. The glasses bounce off us and drop onto the carpet, thankfully without shattering. I look over and see that it was my jacket that caused all of this commotion. It must have slipped off of the chair that I tossed it on.

  “Oh my God! I’m so sorry!” I shriek.

  He’s laughing as he pulls his wet hoodie over his head, exposing a tee shirt underneath. As he lifts his arms, I see his perfect abs and that horrific tattoo that covers the scars on his ribs.

  He tosses the hoodie onto the floor and pulls me against his wet body. His laugh causes me to shake.

  “Wait, I’m getting you soaked!” I shout and he doesn’t seem to care.

  His arms wrap tight around me and he nuzzles into my neck. “So what? If I’m wet, you’re warming me up,” he says into my ear. I shiver in his arms as he pulls me tighter against him. “But you’re obviously freezing.” He chuckles and pulls me to my feet. He looks around the room, grabs my fleece blanket from the back of the couch, and wraps it around me. He rubs my arms up and down and says, “Let’s warm you up, okay?”

  “I need to get out of these wet clothes,” I say and he grins.

  “Sure, be my guest.” His grin widens as he lets me go. “Want me to help?”

  Umm, yeah, I want him to help, but of course, I don’t say what I’m thinking. “No, I’ll be fine.” I walk into my room, close my door, and lean against it. Am I ready to be more intimate with him? Can I even handle it? I’ve never been with man willingly, and I’m not sure I am able, even though my body aches for him and I want him more than he knows.

  I reach into my drawer, take out a dry tee, and pull the wet shirt over my head. When my door slowly opens, I’m startled seeing Alex standing in the doorway. Covering myself quickly, I say, “Hey! I’m not changed yet.” I’m mortified that he’s looking at me. I pull the clean, dry tee over my head and tuck it around my hips.

  “I’m sorry, I just –” He stops mid-thought. My cheeks flush with embarrassment as he walks toward me. “You’re beautiful. You know that, right?” he says quietly as the tips of our toes touch.

  “Alex, I don’t know what to say,” I answer quietly. I’m not beautiful. I’m anything but. A scar mars the side of my face. That’s the first thing that I see everyday when I wake up. It’s marked me in a way that doesn’t allow me ever to forget what I allowed that sick monster of a man did to me. I’m weak and pathetic and that’s not beautiful. “I don’t believe you.”

  He reaches for my hands, and I flinch. “Tabs, stop. The more you say things like that, the harder it’s going to be for you to believe the truth. You’re beautiful and perfect. I need you to believe that. Please.” He lets go of my right hand and places his palm against my cheek. “I love you.”

  I gasp at his admission of love. How can he love me? The only person who has ever loved me is Trina. “How? How can you love me Alex?” I ask, choking back a sob.

  “I could go on and on, Tabs. You can’t see it for yourself yet, but you are just perfect. I know that you’ve had some difficult times in the past. Actually, some really horrific experiences. But all of these make you the person that you are right now. You make me want to change. To be a better, stronger person. I want to do this for you. I need to be there for you. To love you.” He strokes my cheek with his fingertips. “Will you let me? Will you let me love you?”

  His fingers catch my tears as they spill down my cheeks. I’ve never felt like this before and I’m terrified to let him in.

  “I’ll try,” I whisper as he bends down and tenderly kisses me.

  “Please, be patient with me,” I say against his lips. He needs to know that, even though physically and emotionally I am drawn to him, I can’t rush into anything intimate. I want to throw caution to the wind, but I just can’t.

  “Forever,” he whispers back to me. “I’ll always be patient. I’ll wait forever.”

  I close my eyes and settle against him.

  Will I ever learn how to love?

  Past

  Age 20

  IT’S BEEN almost two months since Tabby’s birthday, and I’ve noticed her demeanor shifting slightly for the better. Understandably, Halloween is a difficult time of year for her because of all that she has lost. She’s starting to come out of her funk now that it’s Christmas, and I’m thrilled to be one of the reasons for that.

  For the past few nights, I’ve helped decorate her apartment for the holidays. I want to bring life into it and make it a peaceful, joyous place for her to be. We’ve hung lights and decorated her tree. She admitted that she hasn’t had her own Christmas tree since she was with Trina so many years ago, and I find that incredibly sad.

  I had one every year despite the fact that my Pops wouldn’t have anything to do with it. My sister and I kept our holiday traditions alive as best as we could. It helped keep Mom’s memory close and alive in our hearts. There were several times that the tree was knocked over when Pops would beat the shit out of me, but Reagan and I always made sure we fixed it up after those incidents. When I moved in with Dax’s family, Christmas became even more of a tradition. The Andersons would decorate their home on Thanksgiving night after we devoured the turkey and finished watching football. They helped keep this holiday warm and special for me, and now I want to do that for Tabs.

  I stop at the store to get everything I need to wrap Tabby’s presents. It’s already three o’clock, and I need to hurry because I’m spending Christmas Eve with her. We’re both nervous and we’ve talked about it extensively. I know that she’s not ready to be physically intimate with me, but we are taking small steps to get her there. Tonight is step one, my first sleepover.

  ~

  I knock on her door and the soft Christmas music playing in her apartment reminds me of the Merry-Un-Halloween Birthday party and how much fun we had that night. She opens the door, a shy smile on her face.

  “Hey,” she says softly as her eyes widen at the sight of my bags.

  I hope she doesn’t change her mind because I really want to sleep holding her tonight and wake up with her in my arms on Christmas morning.

  “Hi, Tabs.” I smile, looking into her eyes.

  “You’re early.” She grins. “I haven’t had time to change yet.” She looks down at herself and blushes. The bottom hem of her long sleeved, grey tee shirt just meets the top of her black yoga pants and her ponytail is messy.

  She’s beautiful.

  “The time must have gotten away from me. I’ve been reading.” She moves aside so I can walk past her. I drop my bags near the door and scoop her into my arms.

  “Don’t change. You look perfect.” I drop a light kiss on her lips and rub my nose against hers. I will not let her take off those hot yoga pants. No
pe, not unless I’m taking them off of her.

  She giggles and pulls away from me. “I haven’t even started cooking dinner yet. I can’t believe I’ve wasted so much time today. I’ve been reading some of my favorite books and just lost track of time.” I see a couple of books scattered on her couch, but the one that jumps out at me is a coffee table book.

  “What’s this?” I ask, holding it up. “Planning a vacation?”

  I look at the cover –a picture of Mount Hood with Portland, Oregon written in large letters– and realize I’ve said the wrong thing.

  “Not exactly,” her voice trails off.

  I hate that her mood has just changed and that I’m the cause of it. Her memories of Portland are the reason for so much of her anxiety and panic. I place the book on the table and ask, “Why do you have this if you can’t stand thinking about Portland? Why do this to yourself?”

  She shifts back and forth and grasps her hands together. “I’m trying to replace my memories with beauty. To see what I wasn’t able to see when I lived there. When I was a prisoner.” Her voice trails off, and she steps toward me. “It helps looking at the beautiful pictures. I don’t know why, it just does. I escape into an alternate reality when I look at the sites around the city and try to replace my real memories with these.”

  Doesn’t seem the most healthy thing to do, but I don’t press her any further.

  “Chinese,” I say, abruptly changing the subject.

  “What?” she asks curiously.

  “Forget cooking. Let’s order Chinese food for dinner. That was our holiday tradition at the Andersons.” I smile and she seems relieved.

  “Sounds great! Besides, I’m a terrible cook and I wouldn’t want to run you out the door.”

  “I would eat cardboard if it meant I could spend the night with you.” I reach out and lightly brush her cheek with my knuckles. I would do anything for her.

  She chuckles. “Ha! Sounds about right. You would have been eating cardboard if you tasted my chicken.”