by Liz Durano
“Yeah, one more semester,” she says, chuckling. “I can’t wait.”
“Who knows? You could find Mr. Perfect over there and get married,” Mrs. Rowe says. “Guess what, I know this young man at church who would be the perfect match–”
“Ma!” Addison groans. “No matchmaking tonight, okay?”
“You’re pretty quiet, Campbell,” Mr. O’Halloran says. “The boss doesn’t have you working during Christmas Eve, I hope?”
“No work, Mr. O. I’m actually on vacation for the first time in years.”
Mrs. O’Halloran looks surprised. “Really? That’s a first. But I bet you’re still working from home.”
“I don’t know if I’d call it work but it’s the usual. Read, study the market, analyze companies and all that but it’s not exactly work-work, like doing modeling and compiling reports,” I reply.
“That’s work!” Mrs. Rowe says, laughing. “I’ve got someone in mind for you Campbell. My niece, Emily, who just moved–”
“Ma, no matchmaking, please,” Addison says again.
“No, I’m really just kinda hanging out, Mrs. O,” I say. “I even put up a tree.”
The silence that follows me surprises me and as I look around the table, all I see is everyone’s stunned expressions staring right back at me… except for Caitlin who’s staring at the food on her plate.
I wipe my mouth, setting the napkin back on my lap. “Did… I say something wrong?”
Jordan: Dude, you got a tree? Are you serious? I thought you didn’t like pine needles all over your apartment.
Addison: It depends on the type of tree. Some have needles falling everywhere and some don’t.
Mr. O’Halloran: Wow. That’s a first. You’ve never had a tree at your apartment before, have you?
Mrs. O’Halloran: I thought you told us once that your apartment was too small for a tree.
Addison: You can have a tree in a small apartment. A small tree.
Mrs. Rowe: True, but it’s not the same as a big tree. The one you have here is huge. It looks like it’s been stolen from a Bergdorf Goodman’s window.
Mr. Rowe: Amelia…
Mrs. O’Halloran: Did you know about this, Cait? That Campbell got a tree? Do you have anything to do with it because you two can be thick as thieves–
“Guys, it’s just a tree,” I say, shrugging. “Figured it’s never too late to get into the holiday spirit. Besides, I’m on vacation and it’s fun to do something different for a change.”
“Is that why you didn’t want me to come up yesterday? Because you got yourself a tree?” Jordan asks, his eyes narrowing. “Then it’s got to be because of a girl then. Who is it, man? Anyone I know?”
“I think it’s a great idea to do something different during the holidays,” Addison says. “Kinda like surprising yourself.”
“What about you, Caitlin? Mary told me you went out on a blind date a few days ago,” Mrs. Rowe says. “How’d it go?”
“That didn’t work out,” Caitlin replies matter-of-factly.
“Why? Was he being a jerk to you?” The question comes from me and she looks at me in surprise.
“No… not exactly,” Caitlin stammers.
“Not exactly?” Jordan doesn’t sound amused. “Either he was or he wasn’t being a jerk to you, Cait. Is this the same guy that Roxy paired you with? She might need to give up on the matchmaking. It’s not her strong suit.”
“No, he wasn’t a jerk. Well, not exactly,” Caitlin replies, her brother’s second question unanswered.
“If he wasn’t, why end it?” I ask, ignoring the dagger look I’m getting. “You didn’t like him?”
“Because holiday romances don’t last,” she replies, not looking at me. “They just don’t.”
“Says who?” Addison asks.
“Says me,” Caitlin replies. “I mean, Christmas romances are like vacation romances. There’s this spike of dopamine and adrenaline from knowing someone for such a short amount of time but then the vacation is over and that’s it. Reality sets in and you realize that other than that initial burst further enhanced by the Christmas spirit, it’s not something that can last long-term.”
“What’s dopamine?” Mrs. Rowe asks. “Is it like doping?”
“No, Ma,” Addison replies. “Doping is another word for drugs.”
“So maybe with this guy, it is short term but that doesn’t apply to every guy,” Mrs. Rowe says. “I can find you someone at the church social.”
“No, Amelia,” Mr. Rowe says. “No matchmaking.”
“That’s a very strange way of looking at it, Cait,” Mr. O’Halloran says before asking Jordan to pass him the cranberry sauce. “But did you like him, at least? Did you guys get along until this… this reality set in?”
“I did like him, but not enough to get all torn up about it ending so soon, you know?” Caitlin replies as I do my best not to glare at her, the words she just uttered like a knife twisting in my chest.
“Knowing when to move on is really important and I’m glad you recognized it wasn’t working, Cait,” Mrs. O’Halloran says. “You’re beautiful, smart, and one day, you’ll find Mr. Right, not Mr. Right Now.”
Everyone around the table nods their head in agreement except for Piper who’s happily smearing mashed peas all over her face until Addison puts a stop to it, and for the rest of the dinner, all attention is on the baby.
I move my food around my plate, my appetite gone even though I came to the party hungry.
“It’s better this way, Cam. You know it is and this is what we agreed on.” Caitlin’s not looking at me as she speaks. She’s watching everyone fuss over Piper.
“People change their minds, Cait.”
“I’m heading back to LA in a week and you’ve got work so it’s not like it was ever going to work between us anyway. There’s also Jory and my family.” She pauses, sighing. “I don’t want to lose you and all this because of a fling, Cam. You’re family.”
“If I’m family, then why can’t you even look at me as you say that?”
She turns to look at me, her green eyes flashing. “Is that better?”
I look away, the urge to get up from the table growing with each passing second. Caitlin and I have had our disagreements before but we hadn’t slept together then. This one is different; it’s personal and it stings.
And she’s right. The O’Hallorans are the only family I have and I don’t want to lose them either. Already, Caitlin and I aren’t working out anyway. She couldn’t even look me in the eye until a few seconds ago, as if all the years where we sat next to each other every Christmas laughing and joking are now a distant memory. I can’t even touch her without remembering the two nights we spent together and the way her body responded to mine, how perfectly she fit against me like she always belonged in my arms from the beginning.
But if this is what she wants, then I’m fine with it. It’s not as if I’ve never had to set aside my emotions to do what’s right. I’ve survived worse things. And through it all, I’ve fought and clawed my way to where I am now without compromising my integrity.
I can do this. I can let go.
Eleven
Everyone but Jordan is in the living room when I come down the next morning, the presents all pulled from under the tree so Dad can start distributing them. Piper probably has over twenty presents alone and already she’s gotten into the whole spirit, a polka dot pink and white bow on top of her head. Mrs. Rowe is wearing one, too, which makes it pretty easy to figure out who started it. Holiday music is playing from the speakers and I can smell the scent of chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate wafting from the kitchen. Everyone is here but Campbell and Jordan.
I try my best to be casual about their absence, my heart beating a mile a minute as I join them in the living room in my pajamas. Did Jordan kick him out?
Do they know?
But no one says anything, not when everyone’s busy talking at the same time. Mr. Rowe is holding Piper on his lap w
hile his wife makes funny faces to make her laugh, Addison is on the floor arranging the presents by recipient while Dad hands them to her one by one. Mom sits behind Dad taking pictures of the whole thing, still using an old camera Jordan and I gave her five years ago.
“Where’s Campbell?” I finally ask and Dad looks up.
“He left last night. He told Jordan something came up. What it was is anyone’s guess,” he says.
“So you talked to him before he left?”
“Oh, no,” Mom says. “We were asleep by then. He and Jordan were playing their video games in the bonus room. You know how they are.”
“I just hope his boss doesn’t have him working on Christmas day,” Dad says as he hands the first present from beneath the tree to Piper who grasps it in her pudgy hands and shakes it around happily. Addison laughs, pulls out her phone and starts taking pictures.
“So he didn’t even sleep over? And Jordan, where is he?” I sit on the floor across from Piper, hoping no one can see the guilt written all over my face or tell that my voice is shaking.
Mom shakes her head. “Jordan says Cam left at around one in the morning. He’s in the kitchen getting the–”
“Oh, good, you’re finally up.” Jordan enters the living room carrying a tray filled with mugs of hot chocolate and a plate of chocolate chip cookies. He sets it on the coffee table before handing a mug to Mom and another to Dad. “Campbell had to leave last night. He said something had come up and he had to leave.”
“Did he say what it was?” I ask, noting that there’s one less mug on the tray and it’s all my fault.
Jordan shrugs. “All I know is that he got a phone call and that was that. I asked him what it was about, if it was work but he said it wasn’t. He said he’d tell me later but he had to leave.”
“He didn’t even get to take his presents with him,” Mom says.
“I don’t think he’d have been able to find it even if he tried,” Mr. Rowe says, chuckling. “Everything else is buried under Piper’s presents.”
Mom passes a mug of hot chocolate to Addison. “I just hope the poor boy’s not working on Christmas Day.”
“Isn’t he supposed to be on vacation?” Addison asks as Jordan joins them on the floor and she takes pictures of him, too.
“It’s definitely weird not having him here,” Dad says, “but Campbell’s an adult. He can do whatever he wants to do.”
“Do you think he’s seeing someone?” Addison asks Jordan and my heart skips a beat when Jordan looks straight at me.
“What?” My voice is barely a whisper. Crap, he knows.
“Could you hand me a cookie, Cait?” he asks as I hand him one, my hand shaking. Why am I acting so guilty?
Piper shrieks happily as she shakes another present wrapped in a pink paper and a sparkly white bow and I force myself to stop thinking of Campbell or how much I miss him. It feels so different not having him here. But then, maybe if I hadn’t slept with him, maybe he’d wouldn’t have left. Nothing would have changed.
“Guess Piper’s eager to open her presents. Everyone ready?” Dad asks and everyone nods in agreement, the signal that the O’Halloran Christmas Day tradition of opening presents would keep going—with or without Campbell.
Two hours later, with all presents opened and Piper testing everything by bringing it to her mouth to chew while Addison rushes with a wet wipe to make sure it’s clean, everyone gets ready to leave. Mr. and Mrs. Rowe are headed to church and Jordan and Addison are headed back to the city with Piper. There’s another party they need to go to later that afternoon, this time with the Rowes.
Since they can’t take all the presents Piper received, some will remain in the house for the weekends when Mom and Dad babysit. There’s also a group of new toys for the Rowes when they have Piper over at their house on the weekends they alternate. But they are taking the crocheted dolls Campbell bought which he’d labeled from both of us with a note, Caitlin picked the boy with the beanie, on the label.
My heart had skipped a beat when Addison read his card and label out loud in front of everyone, only to have my momentary high crushed when Jordan looked at me, surprised.
“You shopped together for this? When?” he had asked as everyone’s attention turned to me. It didn’t even matter if his question was innocent or not but I could feel my face turn a bright shade of red. Why did I feel like I’d just gotten caught doing something I shouldn’t have done?
“What does it matter, Jordan? Piper likes it,” Addison said before I could answer. “Maybe that’s because the doll’s a redhead like her and her daddy.” As she kissed Jordan on the lips, I could have sworn my brother blushed but what mattered more was that he got too distracted to pursue the question about Campbell and me shopping together.
After we opened the presents, I helped with the cleanup and quickly retired to my room, busying myself with phone calls to wish friends a Merry Christmas. It felt like any other Christmas morning but it wasn’t. For one thing, Campbell was absent.
An hour later, I watch Jordan arrange the toys in the back of the cab as Addison snaps Piper in her baby seat. Snow blankets the yard and up until last year, Campbell and I always ended up in a snowball fight.
The knock on the door snaps me back to the present and I turn to see Mom standing outside. “Hey, Cait, mind if I come in?”
“Of course not.” I grab the laptop from my bed and set it on the desk as she steps inside. As she sits on the edge of the bed, I pick up the clothes on the floor, the ones I tried to toss into the hamper last night and missed.
“You’ve been quiet for most of the morning. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. Just tired, that’s all.”
“It was really nice of you and Campbell to buy matching dolls for Piper,” she says. “Handmade is always my favorite.”
“It was his idea.”
“I loved the presents he gave you. What were they?”
“Oh, they were nothing. A Coriolanus hardcover book that he got the performers to sign and a DVD of the live play.”
Mom smiles. “That was really nice of him. But didn’t you see it with that other guy? Malcolm?”
I sigh. I’ve never really lied to them about who I’ve been seeing but I haven’t exactly been telling them the truth either. I deleted the message I’d left on the answering machine about staying at Campbell’s for the night and never once corrected them whenever Malcolm’s name came up.
“Mom, I’m not dating Malcolm,” I say slowly. “Our date was actually a disaster. He ended up with someone else that night at the party.”
Mom’s eyes widen. “Oh, dear. Did he at least take you home? How come you never said anything when we saw you the next day?”
“Because Campbell was at the party, too, and I spent the night at his place. He took the couch and I had the bed. It was also raining cats and dogs,” I reply.
“I remember. Your Dad and I were stuck in New Jersey, too. He didn’t want to drive so late at night, definitely not during the holidays.”
“The next day, we went to the holiday market and that’s where we found the dolls. After that, he dropped me off and invited me to see Coriolanus with him. His boss had given him tickets the night before.”
“How come you didn’t say anything about it? Your dad and I kept thinking you saw it with Malcolm.”
“Because I didn’t know how Jordan would take it, me and Campbell hanging out together like that. I mean, we were just friends then.”
Her eyebrow shoots up. “Then? What does that mean?”
“After Coriolanus, we kinda... hooked up.”
Mom frowns, perplexed. “You… what?”
“We had sex... like, real sex.” I bite my lip, feeling my cheeks turn warm. “And we were kinda together the other night, too, after having dinner with Jordan and Addy.”
Mom looks at me with a stricken expression on her face. “Oh, dear.”
“But I told him we were over,” I add quickly, “that whatever we had wouldn
’t work out because I didn’t want to risk his friendship with Jordan, or his relationship with our family. It was just a one-time thing and it’s not going to happen again.”
“What exactly is not going to happen again?”
I feel all color fade from my face. Jordan!
Getting up from the bed, I face an angry Jordan standing outside my door, a pair of felted owl slippers in his hands. From the look on his face, I don’t need to answer his question. He heard everything.
Mom stands up to face him. “Jordan…”
“Addison packed these by mistake and I came up here to give these to Caitlin,” he says angrily, tossing the slippers on the bed. “I can’t believe you slept with him. What the hell, Cait? What were you thinking? How could you jeopardize all the years–”
“And that’s why we ended it,” I counter. “We’re over, Jory. We’re over. It was just those two times.”
“Those two times? It shouldn’t have started in the first place, Cait!” Jordan pauses, muttering under his breath. “And Campbell should have known better.”
“Jordan, we’re both adults,” I say. “We’re not kids that you get to decide what we should do or don’t do.”
“How convenient. He’s been my friend for years, Cait. He’s been a part of our family for years. Years.” Jordan paces up and down the hallway. “No wonder he left the way he did, like a fucking thief in the night. He probably couldn’t face me knowing what happened. He could barely look me in the eye last night.”
Suddenly he stops his pacing and stares at Addison standing at the top of the stairs. Her expression soft, her energy calm. It’s one of the things I like about her. She can calm him with just a look.
“Cait and Campbell slept together,” he announces with a sigh. “I can’t believe it.”
Addison smiles faintly at me before turning her attention back to Jordan. “Piper’s waiting in the truck with your dad. Why don’t we talk about it on the way home?”
Jordan takes a deep breath, as if he’s about to say something but he stops. His shoulders sag and he shakes his head. Without saying another word, he and Addison make their way down the stairs and I can hear her talking, her voice soft and soothing, as if she didn’t just witness her fiancé losing it at the top of the stairs.