Allergic to the Great Wall, the Forbidden Palace, and Other Tourist Attractions

by Lenore Look

  I was very impressed.

  And so was Calvin.

  “I’m going to be a Chinese driver when I grow up,” Calvin said.

  I nodded. I couldn’t think of a better job either, except for driving a monster truck into a mud hole, which is not something you get to do every day.

  The wheels on our minivan went round and round.

  The sun came out.

  Snow sparkled on the ground.

  It was warm and cozy in the car.

  I breathed in.

  I breathed out.

  For the first time since we left home, I felt okay.

  “Are we there yet?” I asked.

  “Your voice is back!” Anibelly cried. “Hooray!”

  “AlvinAlvin!” Bean Sprout sang. “It’ll be lunchtime by the time we get there!”

  That was good news to me.

  But when we finally got there, the sign said “The Schoolhouse.”

  Huh?

  “No one said anything about going to school!!!” I cried.

  “It’s a restaurant and art studio,” my dad said. “It only used to be a school.”

  He didn’t fool me. Outside, there was a flag on a flagpole, which, as everyone knows, is a sign that school is in session.

  So I clung to the tree outside like a panda to a bamboo stalk. My dad couldn’t pry me free until he promised that he would take the stairs with me at our relatives’ house, every day, no matter what. Up and down.

  “Fine,” my dad said.

  “And candy money too,” I said. “Every day. Five extra bucks.” That was the deal.

  Inside the building, I was right—class was in session. People were learning glassblowing. Ovens roared. Tongues of fire hissed and licked at hot molten glass. It was more dangerous and scarier than my own school!

  The good news was that lunch was lunch.

  It was not breakfast. And it was not dinner. I had my favorite—a grilled cheese sandwich. And hot chocolate. Yum!

  After that, it was time to climb the Great Wall.

  “Ready, son?” my dad asked.

  I nodded. A grilled cheese sandwich and hot chocolate are magical. I felt ready to climb Mount Everest!

  So I hurried after my dad.

  Up, up, up the hill we went.

  “AlvinAlvin,” I heard a little voice behind me.

  “Lalalalalalalala.”

  “AlvinAlvinAlvin.”

  Ooh. Girls are so annoying. Just when I was about to tell them to cut it out, my dad’s hands lifted me into something and sat me down.

  Bang! The door shut.

  We swung just a little; then whoooooooooo-oshhhhhh, the wind swept us up into the air.

  And I heard the girls no more.

  Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrr. The wind filled my ears.

  I blinked.

  I was sitting across from my dad, who had the flounder on his chest, in a teeny cable car with plastic windows.

  And the cable car was a hundred feet in the air, swinging from a rope by the crook of a tiny steel finger!!!

  GASP!!!

  How I ever got into this death trap, I have no idea! All I know is that my dad has a history of stepping into traps when he’s in the great outdoors.

  Higher and higher we went.

  Worse, there were many cars like ours dangling from the same rope! Calvin, Katie, Aiyi and Uncle Jonathan were in the one ahead of us. My mom and Anibelly and Bean Sprout were in the one behind us.

  And we were all swinging wildly in the wind, high above the pointy treetops. I could see Calvin reading his book and chatting away with Katie as though this were their last day on earth, and I was sure it was!!!

  “What a breathtaking view,” my dad said. “And look—there’s the Great Wall.”

  I didn’t dare move.

  Riding a cable car, as everyone knows, is like being in a canoe. Any sudden move or standing up would be the end of us.

  So I shifted my eyes without moving my body.

  I gasped.

  “You know, son,” my dad continued, “visiting the Great Wall with my family was near the top of my bucket list.”

  His bucket list???!!!

  I knew all about making a bucket list from my gunggung. It’s a list of daring things to do before you die that can kill you before you’re dead.

  And this was a killer, for sure! I had no idea where the wall was, or what was so great about it. All I saw was a DRAGON!!! Its tail was so thick and long, it whipped and snaked along the mountain’s ridge, dipping out of sight here and there, then reappearing, for as far as the eye could see. It was HUMONGOUS!!! Worse, it was so long that I couldn’t see its head, which gave me a bad, sinking feeling that it was not the wind rocking our cable car—it was the dragon breathing down our necks!

  “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!” I screamed.

  But my scream was as silent as the grave. All you could hear was the dragon’s breath.

  It was a miracle we made it to the top. Was I ever glad when—surprise, surprise—I set my feet on the ground again.

  Or was it the ground?

  It was not like any ground I’d ever seen before. It was uneven and steep. It was covered with strange scales. Two rows of granite teeth and crenels stuck up like—gasp!—a double-vertebrae spine!

  Yikes!

  We had landed on top of the dragon’s tail!!! And so had many other people, all of them walking around and taking pictures as though it were their last day on earth, and I was sure it was!

  The dragon had managed to blow much of the snow off his back, and now he was trying to blow us off too! Brrrrrrr! It was cold!

  The good news was that the sun was out.

  The sky was vibrant blue.

  The hills were covered with snow.

  I blinked.

  I never thought I would be so happy to see the sun and the sky. But I was.

  The other good news was that Bean Sprout forgot about being a tour guide. She and Anibelly were poking at the dragon’s scales and climbing all over the place and talking nonstop in that way that girls do.

  The bad news was that Katie was now waving the little flag.

  “Welcome to the Great Wall, everyone!” she cried, jumping up and down. “This is my favorite place to visit.” Then she bounced up and down some more.

  Oooh. I wished she wouldn’t do that. The dragon might think she’s a mosquito and try to flick her off with a switch of his tail. Then it would be the end of all of us!

  “ ‘Construction of the Great Wall started in 221 BC by the emperor Qin Shihuang, who had also built the terra-cotta army to guard his tomb,’ ” Calvin read from his book. “ ‘The wall was built to keep invaders out.’ ”

  “The average width of the wall is enough for five horsemen or ten soldiers to walk side by side,” Katie added.

  “And the total length of all its sections is 13,170 miles,” Calvin said.

  My dad whistled. “That’s more than four times the width of the United States,” he said.

  “ ‘Soldiers defended the wall with crossbows, spears, swords and stones until they invented gunpowder,’ ” Calvin read. “ ‘From the watch-towers they burned wolf dung and sent smoke signals by day and fire signals by night to warn troops along the wall of an approaching enemy.’ ”

  Scary.

  And smelly.

  Worse, the enemy came through anyway. The wall is not continuous, Katie said, but built in segments, and invaders were able to go around the different parts of the wall.

  “The final sections were completed in the 1500s during the Ming dynasty,” Calvin added.

  “Wow, that’s a 1,700-year construction project,” my mom said.

  “More than one million people died building this tourist attraction,” Katie said.

  “AlvinAlvin,” Bean Sprout sang. “You’re standing on the world’s longest cemetery.”

  I froze.

  I didn’t need to know that.

  I have coimetrophobia. I’m allergic to cemeteries. I needed to
get out of there fast!

  Lucky for me, I had seen a sign for a quick exit.

  I ran in that direction and found:

  An Open Letter to Visitors

  Toboggan-run is an adventure sport.

  Please observe the following rules:

  1. People with heart disease, hypertension, lumbar, mental disease, drunk and pregnant is not allowed.

  2. Sick and elderly and children who is less than 1.3 metre in height or under 10 years old must be accompanied by an adult.

  3. When sliding, please keep a safe distance. In case of collision, the rear passenger will be held legally full responsibility.

  4. To avoid the sliding toboggan turn over in the corners, please the body lean to the center to overcome the centrifugal force and not allowed to stop to take pictures when sliding.

  5. For your own safety, please observe the above rules, or you can take the cable car down!

  Sincerely,

  Beijing Mutianyu Great Wall Speed Chute Amusement Co., Ltd.

  “We’re not leaving yet, are we?” Katie asked. “Usually we climb to the top of the watchtower. We can’t leave without doing that.”

  “Wait, we can’t go yet!” my mom cried. “I haven’t taken any pictures.”

  But it was too late.

  I climbed in, and my dad had to jump in right after me on account of Rule No. 2. And once my dad and I were on our way down, everyone else hopped onto the ride too. We all had to stay together and not get separated.

  And when you take the speed chute, it’s over, just like that.

  No swinging from a dangerous cable.

  No life flashing before your eyes.

  Nothing but extreme g-forces in tight turns at face-peeling speeds.

  If you’re lucky.

  But if you were behind me and my dad, you got even luckier. You got the scenic ride. That meant you had time to enjoy the view. You could see the mountains in the distance. You could see the grass poking through the snow.

  You could watch the sun setting, very slowly, over the trees.

  I had my hand on the brake all the way down.

  “C’mon, Alvin, let’s go!” Calvin cried.

  “Don’t be such a slowpoke!” Katie shouted.

  “AlvinAlvinyougottaletgoofthebrake!” Bean Sprout screamed.

  “ALVINHOTHISISN’TAKIDDIERIDE!” Anibelly shrieked.

  “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” cried the trout, who was strapped to my dad, who couldn’t nurse her.

  “Kuaide! Kuaide!” shouted the Chinese tourists.

  It was very loud and noisy on the chute. Like a party!

  The only one not making any noise was my mom. I think she was pretty steamed about not getting any pictures.

  And my dad didn’t get to make a speech about his bucket list. But he sure was swearing up a Shakespearean storm. “What manner of travel is this when thou hath thy paws on thy brakes???!!!” he screamed.

  Nobody got any souvenirs. (You can’t shop when all the stands at the bottom are closed by the time you get there.)

  But TGFOCAD. Thank God For Our Car And Driver, who was ready and waiting for us to make a quick getaway, just like in the movies.

  the next day I was looking forward to seeing the Forbidden City on account of I never did see much of the Great Wall. When you’re traveling it’s important to see some historical stuff and to buy some souvenir candy; otherwise what’s the point of leaving home for so long and wearing all your clothes all at once and pulling around an empty suitcase?

  The Forbidden City was the palace and home of Chinese emperors for almost six hundred years. It’s surrounded by a high wall and moats and bridges to keep out aliens and ordinary people, which gave me an idea for all the holes that I dig in my yard. I could connect all the holes to make a moat to keep out girls.

  But the Air Quality Index was still too high to go out without breathing to death. So today was an indoor vacation day, just like indoor recess at school when the weather is scary.

  Hooray!!! I love the great indoors.

  First, Bean Sprout said we needed to take a closer look at the Christmas tree in the lobby. It was a great idea! I love Christmas trees!

  But my dad said the Christmas tree in their living room was enough for him. He wasn’t about to go up and down thirty-two flights just to see a tree.

  Bah! Humbug!

  “It’s actually only twenty-eight flights,” Katie said. “Floors four, thirteen, fourteen and twenty-four are missing due to the fact that four is a bad-luck number in China, and thirteen is gone too, just in case.”

  Wow! Four fewer floors! It was good news to me!

  Calvin raced me down the stairs while the girls took the elevator, and the grown-ups stayed in the living room on the thirty-second/twenty-eighth floor, drinking tea.

  Downstairs, the tree was really beautiful.

  Other kids were standing around it too.

  “We helped decorate it,” Bean Sprout said proudly.

  “We put up the angels,” Katie said. “Each of the angels holds a Christmas wish from an orphan. You can take an angel, get the gift and put it in the donation box. When Christmas comes, we’ll deliver them to the children.”

  “Like Santa Claus!” Anibelly cried.

  “Like elves!” Katie said.

  “Like Buddhist monks!” Bean Sprout squealed.

  I took an angel down. It looked Chinese. It was holding Chinese characters. I flipped it over. On the back was the word “friend.”

  “This child wants a friend for Christmas,” Katie said.

  “What does this one say?” Anibelly asked, grabbing an angel.

  Calvin turned it over.

  “ ‘Shoes, size thirty-two,’ ” Calvin read.

  “And this one wants a book,” Katie said, pointing to another. She didn’t have to flip it over. Katie could read Chinese!

  “I’m glad you have Christmas in China,” Calvin said. “I thought I was going to miss it.”

  “It’s not everywhere in China,” Katie said. “It’s only where foreign people live. To the Chinese, it’s a strange holiday about skinny guys wearing red suits that are too big, and putting up trees and lights in strange places, and using extra electricity.”

  I blinked. I stared at the angel in my hand. “Friend”? How do you give a friend for Christmas? Do you wrap someone up? Would they fit in the donation box? Why didn’t this person just write “candy”? Or “dump truck”? Or “electric train set”?

  “Do we get whatever it says on the angel and put it in the box?” Anibelly asked. “Then we surprise them on Christmas Day?”

  “Yup,” Katie said. “That’s the idea.”

  “What if someone doesn’t get their wish?” I asked.

  “It’s okay,” Katie said. “You don’t always get your wish. But hopefully, there’ll be enough presents to go around.”

  “What if we don’t want to get the thing it says?” I asked.

  “Then put it back on the tree,” Bean Sprout said. “And pick another.”

  So I put it back on the tree.

  As soon as I did, the angel spun and turned itself around so that “friend” was staring at me again.

  It was not a good sign.

  It was creepy!

  I didn’t pick another.

  I turned and sprinted up the stairs, all thirty-two or twenty-eight flights, whatever it was.

  “Look!” Anibelly said as soon as we all got back to the apartment. She ran to show her angel to my mom. “I’m going to buy shoes for an orphan!”

  “And I’m buying a book!” Calvin said, waving his angel.

  “Katie couldn’t wait to show you her community service project,” Uncle Jonathan said. “She’s put a lot of work into it.”

  “She contacted an orphanage and helped the children make the ornaments,” Aiyi said. “Then both girls passed out flyers in our building to let everyone know.”

  “What a great idea,” my mom said. “It’s very thoughtful.”

 
“Yup,” said Bean Sprout. “Katie is very thoughtful.”

  Katie beamed.

  Then my dad turned to me. “What does your angel say?”

  Silence.

  “He put his angel back on the tree!” Anibelly said.

  “And he didn’t take another one,” Bean Sprout added.

  Silence.

  My dad was not impressed.

  He looked shocked.

  Maybe I had broken one of the rules of being a gentleman. I wasn’t sure. I couldn’t remember. But once you’ve seen what my dad looks like when I forget the rules, you never forget. And he looked like that.

  i turned and ran into our bedroom, and I stood next to the air-purifying machine. No more scary orphan ornaments. No scary dad face. It was the safest place to be.

  But not for long.

  The gang hurried in after me.

  “AlvinAlvin,” Bean Sprout said. “Let’s play travel. You guys are tourists and I’m your tour guide.”

  “We already played that yesterday,” Katie said. “Besides, that’s only fun when you’re at the actual sites.”

  “It’s fun at home too,” Bean Sprout said, waving her little flag. “It’s fun everywhere.”

  “We can play a different version of travel,” Katie said. “You guys are the tourists, and Calvin and I will be passport control.”

  “What’s that?” Anibelly asked.

  “Those are the people who stamp your passports when you come into a country and when you leave,” Katie said.

  “The rules of the game are right here in my book,” Calvin said, flipping quickly to a page.

  “ ‘A valid passport and visa are needed to enter China,’ ” Calvin read. “ ‘Passports must be presented when checking into hotels and when purchasing air, train or bus tickets for travel within the country. Travelers are advised to keep their passports in a safe place. In the case of a lost or stolen passport, travelers must immediately contact their own embassy or consulate to report the loss and to obtain a replacement. Getting a replacement can be a major hassle. Expect delays.’ ”