The Widow and the Rock Star

by J. Thomas-Like

  And now I was in the arms of a man seven years younger than me, sexier than hell, and he was kissing me! And it was exciting!

  His one arm snaked around me, and a feeling of warmth and safety mingled with my racing hormones. His tongue touched my lips and I steeled myself not to freak out. A little voice popped into my head screaming, What the hell are you doing? But I managed to ignore it. I couldn’t believe I was doing what I was doing, but some baser instinct took over.

  Somehow we got up from the couch while still kissing. Some way, we made it up the stairs to a door. My arms were curled around Will’s neck and my hands were buried in his hair as he reached behind us to open it. My neck was stretched to the limit so I could keep my mouth on his and yet we glided smoothly inside. He used his foot to nudge it closed, never once breaking the contact between us.

  He pressed up against me, pinning my hands above my head, lacing his fingers with mine, against the door. We stayed like that for a long time, just kissing.

  “I must be drunk,” I half giggled, half murmured, trying to catch my breath.

  “No, you aren’t.”

  “Then you’re drunk.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  I wanted more and I untangled my fingers from his to get my hands free. When he let go and I reached for his shirt, he said “no” against my lips. Pulling away from me, he whispered into my ear, “Let me. This is all about you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes.” He kissed me again, slowly. “Stop thinking. Just feel.”

  “But—”

  “No buts, shh.”

  After that, the way he kissed me, the way he undressed me, the way he led me to his bed, the things we did when we got there, it was all just one long stream of consciousness because I listened. I let go. I was utterly overwhelmed by the feel and smell and taste of his mouth and hands and skin on mine.

  It became clear that all the desire inside me had never disappeared. I never got rid of it or expunged it, no matter how much I thought I had. It lay dormant in me like a virus waiting for the right moment to come alive.

  It was as though one small vein of lava was still inside my heart somewhere and his kisses were a warm breeze blowing on it, making it glow bright orange. With each new touch and stroke, the lava spread farther through my veins and my body was heated through until it rose to the surface, pouring out of my skin. I stopped thinking and analyzing and trying to give a response that I thought he expected. The things he did to my body and the way his hands and tongue moved over every inch of it made me feel as though he was playing me like one of his guitars. All of my reactions to every kiss, every stroke, were as spontaneous and unplanned as breathing.

  He was skillful at anticipating what would feel good and what I would like, but my last experience was so far in the past, it couldn’t have been too difficult. Everything seemed to make me groan, sometimes in surprise and other times with simple pleasure. When I didn’t respond the way he expected, Will made me tell him what I was feeling and what I needed. When words failed me, he used my own hands against me to show him the way.

  He memorized everything that made me breathe faster and forgot anything that didn’t.

  Will found a path and followed it without hesitation to the center of my sexual core, allowing me to selfishly accept everything happening without worrying about giving in return. Again and again, he took me to places inside myself I hadn’t been in decades and to new places I never knew were there.

  *****

  I don’t remember falling asleep. I don’t remember Will curling up next to me or pulling the covers up over us. But I do recall the sun beating through the windows and burning behind my eyes. I do remember his hand cupped around my breast and his body pressing against mine.

  My eyes popped open and I groaned as the light pierced my eyeballs. I snapped them shut again and lay perfectly still. My mind tried to rev up like a car engine and race through the night before, but I took a deep breath and remembered the sound of Will’s voice saying, “Let go.” I listened to the husky message play over and over in my head until I fell asleep again.

  When I woke up for the second time, I was alone in the bed. I opened my eyes and the light wasn’t as harsh, but still plentiful. I sat up to look around, not finding Will. For the first time, I took note of the large room. No wonder the sun had brought me out of sleep. One whole side was nothing but windows overlooking the woods and mountains behind the house. The walls were painted in a warm, cream color and the ceiling was done in gorgeous terracotta. The floor was dark hardwood and the furniture was dark oak to match. It was a masculine room, but not overdone.

  Images of the night before began to flash in my head. Will’s hands on me, his mouth on me. I groaned, dropping my face into my hands. I couldn’t believe it. Conflict roared through my body and brain; one reveling in the beauty of it, the other reviling it. As though I could still feel his touch, my body tingled all over. The smile spreading over my face couldn’t be helped. But then I could hear that little voice in my head, that devil, shaming me for my promiscuity. From that, my mind conjured an image of Bruce. This was a conditioned response any time I let myself feel happy or excited about something. Most times, thinking of him brought a mixture of sadness and yearning for him to be with me, to enjoy whatever was happening. But this morning, his face inspired only horror. From as far back as I could remember, my mom had taught me that anyone who died was “always with us and watching over.” I hoped to God he hadn’t been spying last night.

  “Yikes,” I whispered, ashamed and aroused at the same time. Just then, Will leaned out of a doorway from across the room. He was completely naked. I yelped in surprise, pulling the sheet up over my bare chest.

  “Hey, you’re awake,” he said companionably. “How are you doing?”

  “Uh, okay.” I couldn’t meet his eyes, trying desperately to avoid looking at his naked body. The speed with which desire spread through me took my breath away. I knew what basic attraction felt like, but one slight glance at him sent me from zero to sixty in a heartbeat. Thoughts of Bruce vanished, but only for a split second, replaced with guilt.

  “I’m going to hit the shower.” He was trying to get me to look at him, leaning forward, moving his hands around. “You want to join me?”

  “Uh, no thank you,” I squeaked, then cleared my throat, running one hand through my mussed hair. “You go ahead.”

  “Okay.” Will chuckled and disappeared, but he didn’t shut the door.

  I heard the water start running and waited until I was sure he had to be under the spray. My eyes darted around and I spotted a cell phone on the bedside table. I had no idea where my own phone was. Somewhere inside my purse, somewhere inside the house, so I yanked the sheet as hard as I could to free it from the bed. I jumped up, wrapped it around me and then grabbed what I supposed was Will’s phone, quickly clicking it on. Thank God there was no password protection on it. It was an iPhone and I struggled to use it in my anxious state. I frantically dialed Pepper’s number, hoping she would answer. When she didn’t, I thought I would hyperventilate. Forcing myself to take slow, deep breaths through my nose and exhale out of my mouth, I redialed and almost wept when a groggy voice finally came back to me.

  “Mmm, hullo?”

  “Pepper! Where are you?” I whispered hysterically, wild eyes whizzing back toward the open bathroom door.

  “Whosdis?” She was nowhere near awake.

  “It’s Vivienne, you twit! Where are you?” I demanded, trying to keep my voice quiet.

  “Viv?” I could hear some muffled noises. “I don’t know. Oh wait, I’m still at Will’s. In the guest room. Where are you?”

  I hesitated before answering.

  “Wait a minute.” She sounded more alert. “Whose number is this? Vivienne, where the hell are you?” Her voice was filled with concern.

  “Um, I’m here.”

  “Where is here?” Pepper demanded.

  “Uh, Will’s room,” I whispered.
>
  Pepper’s trill of laughter was so loud, I had to pull the phone away from my ear. Then I clapped it back against my head so she wouldn’t be heard by the whole of Los Angeles.

  “You did it! You did it!” she cawed. “I just knew you still had it in you!”

  “Pepper, it’s not funny,” I moaned.

  “Oh yes it is! You said you wouldn’t hook up and look at you now!” She hooted with laughter and I could feel my frustration building. “Wait… where’s Will?”

  “He’s in the shower.”

  “Well get in there with him!” she shouted.

  “Pepper, I can’t!” My body was screaming, Oh yes you can!

  “Don’t go all Victorian on me now! If you spent the night with him, spend the morning, too. Or afternoon. I have no clue what time it is.”

  “No, I think it’s best if I just get dressed and we get out of here.”

  “Vivienne,” Pepper’s voice warned. “You cannot just leave without saying goodbye. Make your manners, young lady.” I was in no mood to be teased.

  “We have to go,” I insisted.

  “Go where?” Will asked.

  Shit!

  Chapter 14

  I climbed out of the shower and started to towel off when I caught my reflection in the mirror. I had this stupid, shit-eating grin on my face and I didn’t even realize it. Scenes from the night before flicked in my brain like a slide show, and my smile got wider. But then I heard Pepper’s voice in my head and the grin vanished. Shit. She was going to give me all kinds of hell when I saw her next. All that bullshit I spewed about not hooking up with Vivienne and look at what happened. Ah, well. It was so worth it.

  I would never have hooked up with Vivienne if I hadn’t spent most of the night talking to her. Yeah, I thought she was gorgeous, but it was her personality that really got me. She asked questions about my life like she was really interested, not like she was interviewing me. She made me feel like a real person, not a celebrity. All the time we talked, I felt like we could have been having the same conversation in a dive diner or a crappy studio apartment, and it wouldn’t have made a difference to her. The money, the fame, the celebrity, it all fell away and we were just two people hanging out. That still might not have been enough to make me jump on her like I did, but the stuff about the book and her situation made me forget myself.

  Sex with random girls because of my rock star status was pretty cut and dried. I knew how those women operated and I could handle the morning after with a fair degree of calm. But Vivienne wasn’t a random one-night stand. She was a real person and I had started to like her. I needed to tread carefully.

  I thought I heard her talking and I walked into the bedroom, still wiping water off my arms. I almost laughed out loud when she jumped like I’d pinched her. She threw my phone behind her back, and then just deflated onto the bed, slumping on the edge.

  I wrapped the towel around my waist and padded across the room to sit beside her. She looked really upset and that worried me. Here I was grinning like an asshole, thinking about what a great night I’d just had, and Vivienne was clearly bothered. It confused me because I thought she had enjoyed herself.

  “Hey.” I pushed my shoulder against hers.

  “Hey.”

  “What’s wrong?” I bumped her a little harder to make her look at me.

  “Oh, Will. I’m sorry, I just feel so stupid,” she finally said, clasping her hands in her lap, but still refusing to meet my eyes.

  “Why?” A guilty woman after a night in the sack was something I definitely didn’t understand. Maybe that was just my arrogance talking.

  “I’m not like this.” Vivienne shook her head. “I don’t sleep with someone I just met.”

  Oh that’s all. I smirked. “Well, for the record, I don’t usually do that, either.” That got her attention. She raised her eyebrows at me in disbelief, and I caught myself laughing.

  “Okay, maybe I did when I was in my twenties.” I watched her left brow raise and the right one lower. She was giving me the “I call bullshit” look. “All right, I did it a lot. What can you expect? I was twenty-five and in a band and women threw themselves at me!”

  Vivienne shrugged and rolled her eyes.

  “The thing is, though, I stopped all that right around the time I turned thirty. Put someone in the public eye for a few years and their perspective changes. Sure, it was fun to sleep with hot chicks, but then they started talking to the tabloids. Or the ones who were actually cool started getting stalked by the tabloids. It wasn’t really fair to them and it made me look like a douchebag. So I learned discretion and gained a little maturity.”

  “Then why did you sleep with me last night?” There was an edge of accusation in her tone.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I sure as hell wasn’t planning on it.”

  “Thanks a lot,” she muttered.

  “That’s not how I meant it,” I said quickly. Turning to face her a little bit, I put my hands on her shoulders to make her face me. “Usually, if I meet someone new, I make up my mind pretty quickly whether or not I’m ever going to get physical with them. Still, it’s not until we’ve been out a few times. When we met,” my finger pointed back and forth between us, “I thought you were cute and funny, but I didn’t even think about something more.”

  Vivienne waved her hand, but she looked offended.

  “I get it. No worries.” She smiled, and it was the first time I noticed she had dimple in her right cheek.

  “What’s really bothering you?” I frowned. “Are you worried I think you’re easy or something?”

  “Eh,” she answered, shrugging. “There is that.”

  I didn’t think that was totally it, but I couldn’t make her say anything she didn’t want to.

  “Don’t be silly.” I rolled my eyes and squeezed her biceps. Only then I realized I’d never taken my hands off her. “If that’s what I thought, I’d have gone back to your hotel room with you so I could sneak out. You’re at my place, in my world. I can’t just walk out of my own house and abandon you here.” I was glad to see she could laugh at the thought.

  “It’s not you, Will, really. It’s me. This is just so out of character, I think I’m still in shock.” She looked absolutely miserable, like she was about to say something more.

  “Maybe that’s what you needed. A shock to your system.” I patted her leg beneath the sheet. “Believe me, I’m pretty surprised myself. I didn’t know I could be so spontaneous, either.” I realized I was lying to her in a way. I could have just as easily told her that I liked her. I could have admitted that I enjoyed the way she treated me like a real person. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. The wall went up instinctively.

  She was just so different than most of the women I spent time with. Vivienne told the truth and didn’t sugarcoat shit. She didn’t fawn over me. She turned me on in a way I hadn’t been prepared for. It dawned on me she was turning me on again. I shouldn’t have been shocked, after all I’m a horndog and she was naked beneath the sheet.

  She leaned into me and put her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed her on the head. It was all so innocent and friendly when it could have been awkward. All I wanted to do was comfort her and make sure she knew I had enjoyed myself and I didn’t think less of her in any way.

  But then I was kissing her again.

  Chapter 15

  Will was kissing me again. The sexual monster in my gut wanted nothing more than to give in to his warm mouth and strong arms. The idiot in me said I couldn’t, it wouldn’t be right. Last night was a mistake I shouldn’t repeat. I let myself enjoy the feel of his lips for another half second before I forced myself to put a stop to it. It was the hardest thing I’d done in a long time, especially because I didn’t want him to stop. Ever. And that was probably the most difficult thing I’d had to admit to myself in a very long time.

  “Oh, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I was breathless as I pressed my palms into his naked, st
ill damp chest. I was momentarily mesmerized by the droplets of water that clung to the fuzzy hair covering his chest. The look on his face said he clearly disagreed with me. I tried harder to catch my breath because, even though he stopped the kissing, he didn’t pull away and he didn’t stop staring.

  “Please don’t look at me like that.” I swear I could feel the lust shooting out of his eyes and into mine.

  “I’m sorry.” He couldn’t have meant it, though, because he kept it up. The longer his green eyes pierced mine, the more lost I felt. My resistance was about to be futile. Assimilate me into the Borg.

  “I thought we agreed this was a mistake.” I pressed my lips together in a tight smile, trying to affect an air of propriety. That was convincing, sure.

  “I don’t know who you’ve been talking to, but I never said last night was a mistake.” I thought I felt his arms tighten around me, but I could have imagined it.

  “How do you feel?” My voice cracked the tiniest bit.

  “I thought it was great.” Once again, that sexy lilt filled my ears, making my heart race and warmth spread through me.

  “Awesome, actually. Stupendous!” This time his arms did tighten around me and I couldn’t deny it. They were so strong and hot against the bare skin of my arms. “I’m ready to do it all again, just say the word.” He waggled his eyebrows at me and grinned.

  I thought about pushing him away again to force an end to the close contact we shared. I considered telling him it would be best to leave things where they were. I wondered if the shock of my foundation going broke had pitched me full bore into insanity and, right this minute, I was sitting in a padded room waiting for more medication. But I didn’t say a word. For at least ten seconds, I sat where I was trying to figure out what to do.

  In the end, I followed my gut.

  As corny as it sounds, it’s like a switch flipped inside me. One minute, I was ashamed and embarrassed about my wanton behavior, worrying whether or not my dead husband knew what I had done, unable to justify that I was an adult woman with long-denied needs. Logically, I… oh, fuck logic, no pun intended. I was on him like a cat on a mouse.