The Widow and the Rock Star

by J. Thomas-Like

  “I’m so sorry.” I sniffled and then sat up, away from her. I stared into her bright blue eyes, which were still fearful. “I’m going to do better, I promise.”

  “Pffft. Don’t make promises you can’t keep right now. It’s okay.”

  Sighing, I pulled my legs up on the couch and hugged my knees to my chest.

  “I think it hurt this bad when Dad died, but I can’t remember. I can’t feel anything but Mom right now.”

  “Makes sense.” Pepper nodded. “I can’t say I know what it’s like, Viv. I probably won’t ever know how bad you feel. All I do know is that I won’t go anywhere.”

  I reached out to hold her hand.

  “Thank you.”

  We sat still, holding hands for a long time. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking, but there was an aura of strength flowing from her fingers into mine.

  “I feel awful that I can’t be stronger. I’m ashamed of myself for falling apart like this. I wish I had inherited my mom’s strength for situations like these.”

  Pepper shrugged.

  “There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone is different. Just because you aren’t a rock, doesn’t make you less of a person. You’ll get it together when you’re ready.”

  “Let’s hope it doesn’t take me another seventeen years,” I muttered.

  Pepper snorted and squeezed my fingers.

  “It won’t. You learned your lesson.”

  “Did I?” I wasn’t so sure. Look at me, I was a mess. I couldn’t just weep gentle tears and dab my eyes with a tissue, while wishing for my mom to be alive. No, I had to lose all my marbles and dive headfirst into the deep end of the crazy pool. “I don’t see anyone else turning into a basket case the way I do.”

  Pepper released my hands to shake both fists at me.

  “Stop or I’m going to clock you! You’ve always been so damn hard on yourself. Just give yourself permission to be a mess for a while, and then you’ll pull yourself out of it, when you’re ready.”

  “When am I going to be ready?” I wondered out loud.

  “For Christ’s sakes, Viv, it’s only been a couple of weeks. Give yourself time and don’t ask how much. Your heart will tell you when.” Pepper gave me an overly dramatic scowl and punched me in the arm for good measure. It made me laugh a little.

  Suddenly, words from my last conversation with mom rung in my ears. She’d told me she’d babied me and I had scoffed at the thought. It occurred to me then that maybe Mom should have taken the tough love stance with me all those years ago when Bruce died. If she’d just gotten tough with me and told me to stop being so critical of myself, maybe I would have gotten my act together sooner and not wasted seventeen years hiding away. It felt like a betrayal to even have those thoughts, but my logical brain was stirring. Pepper was giving me the space I needed to paddle around in the waters of grief, but she also had the life preserver at the ready to toss when I wanted it. She wasn’t worried I would drown.

  I knew then I would have my leaky moments, times when I wouldn’t be able to face the world. But that would be okay. I could stay in bed all day and use up a box of tissues if I wanted. I could eat a gallon of ice cream if I wanted. I could yell and scream and bitch all of my frustrations into my pillow if I wanted. And it would all be okay. In time, I would come back to reality and life and go on with it. I was responsible for myself now, and I could make whatever choices I needed to make when I was prepared to make them.

  Chapter 52

  Wishing she could stay under the hot spray for another week, Pepper reluctantly climbed out of the shower. She wrapped her hair up in a fluffy towel and then used another one to rub her body all over. She shivered in spite of the humidity in the bathroom. Standing on the bathmat, she shifted from side to side while droplets of water trickled down her legs, dreading the task she was preparing for. In just a little while, she and Vivienne would be going to pick up Olivia Forest’s ashes. After a moment, she tiptoed to the door and pulled it open. A cloud of steam puffed out into the hallway. Pepper yelped in surprise to be confronted with a large vase of flowers in her vision.

  “Who sent these?” Vivienne demanded. Her head was obscured behind the huge bouquet of blossoms.

  “Uh,” Pepper stammered. Shit, I forgot about those. “They came from Will.” She watched the vase lower slowly, as though Vivienne was losing the strength to hold it up. Pepper reached to help her, but Vivienne shook her head. The look on her face was one of stunned confusion.

  “Did you call him?”

  “No,” Pepper lied. “But I’ve texted him.” Okay, I only half lied.

  “Oh.” Vivienne turned away and carried the flowers down the hall. Not caring she was only in a towel, Pepper followed closely behind.

  “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

  “Yes,” Vivienne admitted. “It was the smell.”

  “What?”

  “It was the smell I noticed. At first, I thought it was your shampoo or something coming from the bathroom while you showered. But then I figured you wouldn’t use something that smelled like roses.”

  Pepper cocked her head to the side and watched her friend closely. She couldn’t tell if this was bothering Vivienne or if it was making her happy. She waited patiently to see what Viv’s next reaction would be.

  “I’ll have to write him a thank you note.”

  Wistful was not the emotion Pepper expected to see in Vivienne’s eyes.

  “Maybe you could call him.”

  Vivienne shook her head.

  “No, it’s too late for that. He probably had his assistant send these.”

  “I don’t think so,” Pepper argued. “The arrangement feels too personal.”

  “Still,” Vivienne argued back, “he’s probably forgotten all about me.”

  Pepper’s jaw dropped in surprise. Her first instinct was to face off with Vivienne about how absolutely ludicrous that notion was, but she controlled herself. She closed her mouth with a snap and looked away, so as not to be tempted into a squabble just yet. One thing at a time. There was still too much stuff to deal with about Viv’s mom before tackling the issue of Will.

  “I’m going to get dressed. Are you going to shower?”

  Vivienne was still staring at the flowers she’d placed on the table. After a long moment, she nodded. “Yes. We need to bring Mom home.”

  “All right. Then let’s get this done, okay?” Pepper waited for eye contact. Vivienne looked up and smiled.

  “Yes. I’ll be ready in a half hour.”

  “Cool.”

  While Pepper finished drying off and choosing an outfit to wear, Vivienne was in the shower. By the time Pepper had her clothes on and her hair and face ready, Vivienne was exiting the bathroom and twisting her hair into a wet, tangled-messy bun on her head. “What does one wear to collect one’s mother’s ashes from the funeral home?”

  Pepper laughed out loud, boosted by her friend’s wry humor.

  “Well, I don’t know. A ball gown is out of the question. Perhaps a simple cocktail dress?”

  Vivienne laughed too and went to her room. When she emerged, she wore a pair of simple white shorts and a red tee-shirt. She carried a pair of red, open-toed espadrilles. “Too casual?” she asked, winking at Pepper.

  “Nope, just perfect.” Pepper swept her hands down the length of her body. She wore red shorts and a black tee-shirt, with black, flat sandals on her feet. “I’d say we’re of a like mind.”

  As they collected their purses and the keys to the truck, Pepper made sure to tuck a travel packet of tissues into her pocket. She had no idea what might occur on the way to the funeral home or when they were there. She hopped into the passenger side and Vivienne slid into the driver’s seat. Never having been big on prayer, Pepper sent one or two out to the universe that Vivienne would be able to hold it together as they went to collect Olivia Forest’s ashes.

  *****

  I made the trip to Van Lerberghe on auto pilot. Pepper sat beside me, wisely
saying nothing. I thought she might chatter on about how much her hometown had changed since she left, but she didn’t, and I was grateful. While I drove, I repeated the same phrase over and over in my head: You can do this. You can do this.

  When we got there, the parking lot was filled with cars. I laughed out loud, startling Pepper.

  “What’s so funny?” she asked.

  “Mom used to say the funniest thing,” I whispered. “It’s really wicked. Extremely irreverent.”

  “What? Tell me!” Pepper poked me in the arm.

  “‘Obviously, Karen has been passing out bad mushrooms again. Business is booming.’”

  Pepper stared at me for a moment and then burst into gales of laughter, holding her stomach. My heart wanted me to cry because I’d never hear my mom’s voice again with one of her totally scandalous comments. But my brain took over instead, and I laughed with abandon beside Pepper. There were people crossing the parking lot to enter the funeral home, and they probably thought we were completely insane as we giggled and snorted, tears streaming down our faces.

  “Oh man,” Pepper gasped. “That is the best line I’ve ever heard! Your mom was a hoot!”

  “Yeah, I know.” I rubbed the moisture from beneath my eyes and tried to stop chuckling. “That was one of her better ones.” I had to admit, laughing that hard felt good.

  Once we calmed down enough, we got out of the vehicle to make the walk to the door. Pepper reached for my hand and I took it gladly. The hilarity from moments before gave me the strength to move steadily toward the entrance, but I wasn’t sure how long it would last. Pepper opened the door for me, and I stepped into the dim coolness.

  We were greeted immediately by one of the employees who was directing traffic to the three viewings taking place.

  “Good afternoon. Which family are you here to see today?”

  I opened my mouth to speak, but words wouldn’t come. My tongue felt swollen and thick inside my dried up mouth. Pepper stepped up immediately.

  “We aren’t here for a viewing. We’re here to pick up Olivia Forest’s ashes, please.”

  “Of course. Karen’s in her office. It’s right down the hall.” The thirty-something man in his crisp, unwrinkled suit pointed to the right and Pepper gently guided me down the hall. When we reached Karen’s office, she was inside, sitting behind her large oak desk.

  “Vivienne!” She stood up and glided from behind the desk as if on an invisible conveyor belt. I was in her arms and being squeezed before I could say a word. “How are you?”

  “Fine,” I croaked.

  “Do you have some water?” Pepper asked. “I think she needs a sip of something.”

  “Of course.” Karen turned to the water cooler behind her, and I stared at the bubbles gurgling up in the bottle as she got me a cup. I sipped it and reveled in the cold moisture revitalizing my mouth.

  “Thank you,” I said in a voice closer to my normal one. “Karen, this is my best friend, Pepper Taylor.”

  “Of course, we spoke on the phone earlier.” Karen extended a perfectly manicured hand and Pepper took it. “Why don’t you both have a seat?” She pointed to the expensive upholstered chairs in front of the desk.

  As we sat, Karen did, too. She was discreet as she pulled a plain, white box from a drawer in her desk and placed it in front of me.

  “I’m so sorry for your loss, Vivienne. Your mother was a lovely woman and I know you’ll miss her very much.”

  “Thank you,” I murmured as I reached for the box. I held it on my lap and caressed it, trying not to think of it as the remnants of my mom’s body, but instead as a piece of her spirit for me to keep. Looking up, I gave Karen the best smile I could muster. “Thank you for all you’ve done, Karen. I do appreciate it.”

  “You’re welcome.” She said it so kindly and simply. She really was good at her job, well-matched for dealing with people in their grief.

  Not wanting to prolong things, I stood up, cradling the box in my left arm and reaching to shake Karen’s hand with my right.

  “Hopefully, I’ll never see you again.” I winked at her and she grinned.

  “Let’s hope not.”

  Pepper guided me out of the office and back to the exit. As we walked back out into the bright sunshine, I squinted and took a huge shuddery breath.

  “I’m going to need you to drive.”

  “No problem, hun.” Pepper took the keys from me.

  All the way home, I hugged the box to my chest, talking to Mom inside my head.

  I know you can’t hear me, but I just want you to know I love you. Everything’s going to be okay. You just keep on flying around the universe with Dad. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.

  I wasn’t sure I believed what I was saying, but it sounded good in my mind.

  I was beginning to recognize the signs of a breakdown coming on. My body felt heavier and heavier as Pepper navigated the few miles to the house. My head started to pound and my chest was hurting. I blinked faster and faster, hoping I could stave off the tears, but it only squeezed them out and they wetted my cheeks. When we pulled into the driveway, I didn’t move right away. Pepper jumped out and came to my side, opening the door. She waited for me to undo my seatbelt, and then put an arm around my shoulder to ease me from the truck. We stumbled to the front door and she unlocked it to let me inside.

  I took the box with me, whimpering as I slugged down the hallway to my room. I went inside and closed the door on Pepper, not bothering to apologize. I knew she knew I wasn’t trying to be mean. I put Mom on the bedside table and crawled into bed to mourn.

  Chapter 53

  Pepper scribbled a note to Vivienne and then left the house as quietly as she could. Gabriel waited outside in the car to take her to dinner. As they drove to a quaint diner they had discovered, Pepper told him about the days’ events, culminating in bringing Olivia home.

  “She’s ensconced in her room once again, is she?”

  “Yeah, but it’ll be okay.” Pepper took a deep breath and nodded with confidence. “I’m sure that was the hardest thing she’s ever done in her life. Nothing compared to losing Bruce or her dad. If she wants to hide out again for a couple of days, more power to her.”

  “You certainly know her better than I do,” Gabriel said as he maneuvered into a parking spot. “But I will say Vivienne is about the luckiest woman on Earth to have a friend such as you.”

  Pepper grinned and leaned over to kiss him. They got out of the car and walked hand in hand into the restaurant. After being seated, and while they perused the menu, Pepper caught him looking at his watch a couple of times. Worry made her heart beat a little faster. It wasn’t like Gabe to do that. When he pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and started texting, Pepper frowned.

  “What’s up, babe?” She closed her menu and set it on the table. “Is everything okay?”

  “Oh yes, yes.” Gabriel set the phone face down. “Just a lot of business.”

  Pepper let the matter drop as the waitress arrived to take their orders, but knew she was going to have to drag it out of him when he fidgeted while they waited for their food.

  “Gabe, you’re as nervous as a cat. Tell me what’s going on,” Pepper demanded.

  “I’m sorry, darling.” Gabe sighed and ran his fingers through his thick, wavy hair. “I’ve just been putting out a few fires today.” Leaning back in his seat, he tried to smile. “Tell me the truth, love, are you certain Vivienne is on the mend?”

  Cocking her head to the side, Pepper’s frown grew deeper.

  “Well, as best as I can tell. I know she’s going to have her moments here and there, but I think she turned a corner today, for sure. Why?”

  Gabriel looked nervous, taking a deep breath before he spoke.

  “Well, I have two projects that are set to begin filming within the next several days. I also had three sets of contracts messengered to me that need to be gone over. And then there’s the starlet, who shall remain nameless, being squired off to
rehab as we speak.”

  Pepper chuckled. Reaching across the table, she put her hands on his, hoping to reassure him.

  “In other words, all hell is breaking loose and you need to get home.” Squeezing, she gave him a long, hard look. “I understand. In fact, I’m surprised you haven’t gone before now. I kept telling you to go.”

  “I did not think it right to leave you alone until Vivienne was a tad more stable.” Gabriel repeated what he’d been saying all along. “But if you think she’s doing well enough and I needn’t worry, then yes, I must return to LA tomorrow.”

  “Of course.” Pepper scooted out of her side of the booth to slide in beside him. “I understand, Gabe.” Laying her head on his shoulder, Pepper couldn’t deny the disappointment she felt squeezing her heart. But she knew better than to try and hold on to him when he had so many other things to worry about. If she wasn’t one of them, then that would be a good thing.

  “Thank you, darling.” Gabriel kissed the top of her blond head and slung his arm around her shoulders. “Let’s spend this evening together and then tomorrow you can send me off.”

  “You bet.” Pepper tilted her head to look up at him and gave him the most loving smile she could manage. “I’m going to miss the hell out of you, though.”

  “And I shall miss you. But I have no doubt you’ll return to California in due course. Perhaps with your dearest friend in tow?”

  Pepper’s bottom lip pooched out as she considered the possibility.

  “I can’t lie. It’s been in the back of my mind. I just haven’t wanted to really think about it until I got Viv stable again.”

  “I suggest you begin planting your seeds, love. In spite of all the things left to do, time will pass quickly. The time will come for Vivienne to make some choices, and I certainly hope she makes the right ones.”

  “Hmm,” Pepper murmured. “I hope she does, too.”

  *****

  The next morning, Gabriel dropped Pepper back off at Vivienne’s house. Pepper tried to keep from tearing up, but didn’t quite make it. Gabriel offered her a handkerchief from his pocket and assured her that he would call and text often.