Learn Me Good

by John Pearson

  Today’s lesson was rounding and estimation. This was always my least favorite part of math class when I was in school. However, a high-school buddy of mine who is also a third grade teacher taught me a neat way to explain the concept.

  Much like driving in England, the hard part about rounding is trying to remember which way to go. Do you round UP or round DOWN? This way makes it easy to remember. It’s truly a “hands-on” method, as it involves using your fingers. If you have enough fingers to make a fist, you “punch the number up.” If not, it goes down.

  The kids actually picked up on this quite quickly. And it was funny to see how excited some of them were when we practiced. Carlos was practically shouting, “Yeah, you gotta PUNCH it up!”

  Then, when we encountered a number that should be rounded down, the kids would say, “No, you can’t punch it up, so you have to punch it down!” Of course, you can’t punch it in any direction if you can’t make a fist — that’s kind of the point. I’ll have to think of a better way to get that across. Maybe if you can’t make a fist you have to just let go of it and let it drop down.

  It’s too bad I didn’t know about this technique for rounding while I was with Heat Pumps Unlimited, or I could have taught it to Bill Albany. He was an elderly engineer, before your time, who had a habit of overstaying his welcome in other people’s cubicles and talking their ear off. I tried to be polite, but despite subtle hints about needing to get back to work, overt glances at the clock, and even turning away from him, he never seemed to get the message. I tried making phone calls, putting on headphones, and even shooting up an emergency flare once, but when I turned around, he was always still there — “...think it might rain today... You know, it rained last Tuesday...”

  Anyway, on the few occasions that Bill joined our group for lunch, he would insist on putting the entire bill on his Discover Card (for the cash back rewards) and then demand that we each pay him back. Absolutely no rounding involved. He wanted payment down to the penny. This is where the “punch it up” method would have come in handy (no pun intended). Bill retired several years ago, but even on his last day, he came by and whined, “You still owe me a quarter!”

  Back to my class, the only problem I see now is that I’ve given the kids permission to make punching gestures in class. So far, no one has abused that, but I can just see Marvin or Ralph punching at each other during a test. That would of course make me round both of them DOWN.

  Later,

  Rawhide

  Date: Thursday, February 26, 2004

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: Science Unfair

  Hey Fred, Thanks a lot. You’ve painfully reminded me that rounding is not always applied in the real world. How could I forget my own experience with Heat Pumps Unlimited? I worked there for 3 years and 10 months, but when they laid me off, they rounded that down to 3 years for the severance pay. Oh believe me, I may not have been estimating, but I was making some fists that day.

  But hey, let’s get out of the past and into the future. No? OK, then let’s get into the much more recent past. Today was the school science fair, and there were a few entries from my class. Kari and Susan teamed up and did a project based on the phases of the moon. They had a shoebox with a flashlight taped to one end and a ping-pong ball hanging in the center. Holes were cut out of the side of the box that allowed a viewer to see the ping-pong ball waxing and waning.

  Anita also submitted a project. Hers had to do with being able to hear sounds of the ocean from a seashell. She had an assortment of shells, and one really big conch. Made me think of Lord of the Flies. Without Piggy.

  Last week, we started a simple experiment in the classroom; something that I hoped would demonstrate how to do a science fair project. I had the kids copy what I wrote from the overhead as we talked about Hypothesis, Procedure, Conclusion, and the other sections of a project. I brought in three slices of white bread and arranged them on the back shelf under the football field bulletin board. I left one completely dry. I put a little bit of water on another, and I saturated the last with water. I told the kids to choose one of those three pieces and fill in this hypothesis statement — “I predict the _________ piece will grow mold the fastest.” For the sake of the custodians, I slapped a sign nearby that says, “Do not disturb — science in progress.” You should make a similar sign and put it on the men’s restroom door in your office and see what happens.

  We have periodically observed our test subjects, and so far, it has been a pretty bogus project. It’s been over a week now, and no mold whatsoever has grown on any of the three pieces of bread. In fact, the only real difference among the pieces is that one has split in half. Mold grows on bread in my pantry no problem, but when I TRY to grow it, nothing happens...

  At the end of the day, I took a walk through the gym to look at a few of the projects. There were a few bright spots, but a whole lot of black holes that would have Stephen Hawking spinning in his chair. I wasn’t expecting a whole lot out of a grade school science fair, but some of these kids did not get the concept at all.

  One project, that purported to be about electricity, had this under Procedure: “Kyle got the markers and tape and I got the board. We taped the pictures and papers to the board and then added some colors.” Procedure of how they set up the display, not how they did the project! And these were sixth graders!

  As you know, the Conclusion section is where you decide whether your hypothesis was true or false. One project at our school science fair had this written statement prominently displayed: “CONCLUSION: I think this project was great!” A conclusion of sorts, I’ll grant you, but not along the lines of the scientific method.

  Oh, and Ralph told me that he thought Hypothesis was a place for people to keep their stuff way up in the air. Draw your own conclusions.

  On a sad note, I’m losing a little sweetheart tomorrow. Maria informed me that Friday would be her last day. Ariel, Ricky, Alex, and now Maria — Why can’t the good ones stay?? I know, I’m being selfish, I’ll admit it. I’m just afraid when a good kid leaves, because it just opens a hole for another Mark Peter to come in.

  Later,

  Khan Klusion

  Date: Wednesday, March 3, 2004

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: Reading is Fundamental

  Hey dude, Sorry it’s taken me a while to get back to you, but the last week has been pretty hectic, getting ready for today’s TAKS reading test. Now we’ll see if all the practice, all the tutoring, and the three Saturday schools paid off!

  Last night, a thought occurred to me. Everyone is always lamenting school financing and inadequate funds for classrooms, when it seems the ideal solution is staring them right in the face. Two words: Corporate Sponsorship, baybee! I can see it now — “The Visa TAKS Test, brought to you by McDonalds. McDonalds — you deserve a test today.” These kids would GLADLY wear company logos on their sleeves, shoes, foreheads, whatever. I’m just saying, it’s a goldmine that has yet to be tapped.

  Today was an especially long day as I was on my feet walking around, keeping a strict eye on everyone. There’s no filing of papers, grading, or Game-Boys allowed during a TAKS day. As my old boss Steve Potts always said, “We aren’t just sitting around, drinking coffee and reading magazines.” You have to stay alert and make sure no one is talking to or gesturing at each other. The consequences for cheating on the TAKS test go way beyond the old “you’ll have to clean my bathroom.” Though I do have to say, that threat has proven mighty effective all year long.

  In addition to monitor duty, I also had to act as sort of a snack vendor. The kids each got a bottle of water at the beginning of the day, and throughout the test, I would come around and put a handful of animal crackers and/or M&Ms on their desks. This was supposed to keep up their mental energy, but apparently animal crackers don’t always sit real well in the morning. Not long after eating his, Carlos motioned me over and told m
e he was going to throw up. Once more, it was fortuitous to have a bathroom right there in the classroom. After he came back out, I had one of the local monitors come and walk around with him outside for a few minutes to clear his head. Too bad I couldn’t have taken that stroll in his place — the monitor was one of our cutie student teachers!

  Any time we would stop for a restroom break and when we went to lunch, I had to collect up all the tests and lock them away in my storage closet. This is a really big deal, because I guess they don’t want the Hamburgler walking in and looking at Jorge’s answers. (Or Grimace — we all know HE never passed a reading test.)

  As I walked around the room, I would glance over people’s shoulders and look at the answers they were choosing or read a bit of a story. Most of the reading passages were the same for everyone, so I could move from child to child and still complete the whole story. Nearly all of the TAKS reading questions have answers that can be found in the passage, usually word for word. But some of these kids just don’t want to read, and they take guesses, often picking the most ridiculous answers. For instance, one of the stories told of a merchant selling his prize rug in order to have money to marry off his daughter. On one of the questions that asked why the merchant sold his prize rug, I saw a few kids choose the answer that read, “Because a magic platypus told him he would be rich if he sold the rug.” The word “platypus” was nowhere to be found in the entire story, but of course only someone who had actually READ the story would know that.

  Stupid answers notwithstanding, I think that the kids in my room did well overall. Mrs. Swanson said the same thing about the kids in her room. We did have a few kids in other rooms, either because we didn’t want them disrupting the others — i.e., Marvin and Ralph — or because we wanted someone to be able to keep an extra close eye on them and make sure they weren’t just going through, filling in bubbles at random. Sally and Esteban have been known to do this without actually reading the stories. In fact, I think Esteban DID do that today, so he probably won’t pass. I suppose we’ll find out in a few weeks.

  Oh, and today of all days, we got a new student. A little girl named Marlene. She seems nice enough, but she did have to take the test with us, and as far as I know, her results will count for or against us. Kelly was not too pleased about that. Here’s hoping she passed.

  Lest I forget, to answer your question about our classroom science project — the (un) moldy bread is all gone. We decided to alter our hypothesis statement from “I predict the ________ piece will grow mold the fastest” to “I predict the ________ piece will taste the best.” No, I’m only kidding. As soon as the Science Fair was over, I threw everything in the garbage. I have no doubt that now that it’s out of sight, that bread is just coated with mold. Enjoy your dinner!

  Talk to you later,

  Huk’d on Fon-ix

  Date: Friday, March 5, 2004

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: Encyclopedia Brown strikes again

  Hey dude, You may not have proxied any day-long exams, but it sounds like you had a few hellish days there yourself! Let me see if I have this straight. Your supplier didn’t meet spec on the plate stock you got, and now he’s giving you the runaround on replacing it quickly. I think I can probably guess who you’re dealing with here. Unfortunately, it doesn’t make it any easier to have to inform YOUR customer that his shipment is going to be late as a result. Sorry, man, that stinks. Sometimes dealing with those guys is like eating two-weekold moldy bread from a failed science experiment — it leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

  Hopefully I can cheer you up. Today was a fun day for us, and a good way to wrap up a long week. Since the kids took the TAKS reading test on Wednesday, and then we hit them with a math practice test yesterday, today was a reward day.

  Mrs. Swanson and I switched classes earlier than usual and had shortened classes, so that we had time between lunch and P.E. to have pizza and watch a movie. Everybody came into my room and sat on the floor, and we watched The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Kelly has been reading that book with the kids, so she wanted to see how the cartoon compared. Midway through the movie, a little red fawn named Mr. Tumnus shows up and befriends one of the children. At this point, Jorge leaned over to Sofia, and I heard him say, “That’s the wardrobe!” Yes, Jorge, and that innocuous looking lamppost is actually the lion!

  We had told the kids all week long that we would have this reward day for everybody who made their best effort on the reading test and the math practice test. We told them that anyone who fooled around, bubbled answers without reading the questions, or just generally did not try would not participate in our pizza party. So of course, we had three kids who got to sit in my entranceway and make corrections on their practice test during our reward time. I’ll let you guess who those three were.

  There was almost a fourth non-participant. Earlier in the day, we were at the outside restrooms taking our morning break. Nearly all of the kids were done and back in line; I was waiting just outside the restrooms for a couple of stragglers. Christy left the line, walked over to where I was standing, and whispered, “Mr. Woodson, Thomson pointed the middle finger at me.”

  Christy and I walked back towards the line, and as I walked up to the front, I said loudly, “Well, anyone who points their middle finger at someone just won’t be participating in our reward party today.”

  Immediately, Thomson retorted, “I didn’t point my middle finger at her!” I responded quickly, “Hmmm... well I never said WHO had pointed their middle finger, but thanks for coming out and admitting it, Thomson.” The look on his face was priceless. There was a flash of surprise, and then he hung his head in defeat. His expression seemed to say, “Alas, I realize I have tipped my hand, sir. Well-played. Well-played.”

  When we got back to the room, I told him that he could either miss out on the party or he could choose not to receive any blue tickets at all for the next week. Initially, he chose to miss the party. Later, after a tearful inner struggle, he changed his mind and opted for the no prize basket option.

  Now the reading test is down, but the math test looms. The one that falls squarely on my shoulders. Thirty more school days to go — but who’s counting?

  Oh, and were you serious about Paul’s questions? He asked if I was happy at the school, if I was under contract here, and if I wanted to come back to HPU? Um, gee, let me think. Yes, yes, and no. In that order. I may gripe about certain kids, but overall I find myself going home each day with a much greater sense of fulfillment than I ever did in cubicle land.

  Plus, it’s just easier to deal with kids being idiots every so often than adults being idiots, like your supplier. Good luck with your materials nightmare. Keep me posted.

  Hang in there,

  Stan Put

  Date: Monday, March 8, 2004

  To: Fred Bommerson

  From: Jack Woodson

  Subject: That’s gonna leave a mark

  Hey Fred, Wow! You got new plates today? Paul must really have lit a fire under those guys to get them to replace a bad order so fast! I think I know who your customer must be if they can apply this kind of pressure. No wonder your email this morning was so short. I imagine you’re still at the plant, working in overdrive to meet YOUR deadline now! I’ll give you something to read whenever you get to come up for air.

  Today when we were getting ready to go to music, one of my kids had a slight mishap. Usually, I have them line up at the doorway, and then when everyone is ready, we walk down the stairs and onto the sidewalk to go to the building. But sometimes the kids at the front of the line get a little anxious and spill out of the room a bit. And that’s when accidents happen, my friend.

  When I went to the front of the line, Marvin was in tears. We’re talking waterfalls here. The tears weren’t merely running down his cheeks, they were shooting out of his eyes like little liquid bullets. Which isn’t very unusual. This kid cries more than a Chicago Cubs fan during the pennan
t race.

  I asked him what had happened, and he screeched out something that I eventually translated into, “I was standing on the stairs and Krissy pushed me and I went off the stairs and I landed on the rail right on my PRIVATES!”

  While Marvin continued to fire tears out of his eyes in lament of his poor future children (or lack thereof), Krissy stoically explained that she didn’t push him on purpose. The kids in the back of the line had been jostling, and she had been bumped into Marvin.

  With this revelation, Marvin’s tears abruptly stopped, and his whole demeanor changed. He now wore a puzzled look instead of a pained one. “You mean, it was an accident?” he asked. “Yes,” she replied. “Oh, OK.” And just like that, he was fine. It was like flipping a switch.

  In other bizarre news, after I dropped the kids off, I went to use the boys’ bathroom by the office, which happens to be in the kindergarten hall. As I stood at one of the urinals, this little kid came in and stood at the urinal right next to mine. (He obviously hasn’t learned the rules of bathroom etiquette, such as ALWAYS leaving at least one buffer space.)

  “Where were you born?” he asked mid-stream, with no introduction. As I answered “Virginia,” I moved to the sink to wash my hands. “I was born in Texas!” he proudly informed me.

  Right at that moment, another little kindergartner walked in and loudly asked, “Who said SEX?”

  My mind went blank for about half a second, and then I recovered as best as I could. “HE was born in Texas!” I told our newcomer. “Where were YOU born?”

  My hunch that the kid would have a short attention span paid off, and the new boy launched into a spirited discussion of birthplaces and local points of interest with the other kid. But my question is, does “Texas” really sound that much like “sex?” And why is a boy whose head barely comes up to the sink even aware of the word??