Wisdom

by Amanda Hocking

I expected instant relief and gratification from this, and while there was some, I mostly felt sick. I had just killed someone, and even if it was someone that really deserved it, I was still a murderer.

  I’m not even sure how I found my way outside. I moved in a daze, and I don’t remember anything until I was walking on the sidewalk, a block away from the clubs. People were veering around me and giving me weird looks.

  The cold felt wonderful, but I didn’t know where I was going, so I just stopped. I closed my eyes and let the wind blow over me. The blood on my hand thickened as it began to dry, moving more slowly as it slid down my fingertips and dripped on the concrete.

  “I found her!” Bobby shouted from somewhere nearby, and within seconds, Milo was at my side.

  “Oh my god, Alice. ” Milo put his hands on my face, and I opened my eyes.

  “I killed him. ”

  “Are you okay?” Milo asked, and I nodded. “Let’s get you home before you get picked up for being a crazy person. ”

  Milo took off his own jacket and wrapped it around me, hiding the blood that stained my clothes. Bobby jogged up to us and tried to tell me they’d been looking all over for me, but he stopped when he saw my face. Milo led me to the car.

  Before I got in the car, I put one hand on it, bracing myself. Then I bent over and threw up, my strange red vomit staining the snow all around us.

  24

  I took a long shower, but my skin still felt sticky from where Jonathan’s blood had been. The water turned cold, and I finally got out and dressed slowly. When I came out of the bathroom, I found Ezra sitting on my bed.

  “How are you feeling?” Ezra asked, studying me with his dark eyes.

  “Fine,” I lied and ran a towel through my damp hair.

  “You went against my advice,” he said.

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  “Yeah, sorry about that. ” I tossed the towel in the hamper and turned my back to him. I didn’t want to see the disapproving gaze he gave me after that.

  “I told you to call me,” he went on. “But from what I understand, you ran away from Milo and Olivia and Violet. You had plenty of back up with you, but you went it alone. ”

  “It was something that I had to do myself. ” I ran my fingers through my tangles of hair and looked back at him. “I had to take care of him. ”

  “And?”

  “And what?” I asked, surprised by the lack of judgment in his words.  

  “How did it go?” Ezra asked.

  “I killed him. ” The words tasted bitter in my mouth, and I gulped them down. I wanted to throw up or cry at the thought of being a murderer, but I couldn’t. I had done the right thing, and I wouldn’t let myself shed a tear of Jonathan.

  “I’m aware of that. ” Ezra looked away from me and smoothed out his pants. “Olivia called me after she cleaned up the mess. You owe her a debt of gratitude for that. ”

  “I’ll thank her tomorrow,” I nodded. I did owe her, and I felt bad for leaving her with my mess. But I didn’t have the strength to apologize for it now.

  “He had a body in the room with him?” Ezra asked, and I nodded, biting my lip.

  “If I’d stopped him when I saw him outside Jane’s…” I shook my head and trailed off.

  “You did the right thing in waiting. ” Ezra stood up and stepped over to me. He put his hand on my shoulder, and I looked up at him. “You didn’t listen to me, but you handled yourself well. You’ve shown great strength and maturity, more than many other vampire hunters I’ve run into. I’m proud of you, Alice. ”

  I wanted to thank him, but I knew if I did, I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears. I could only nod, and Ezra wrapped an arm around me, hugging me to him. I took a deep breath to keep from sobbing, and he held me until he was sure I’d be fine without it.

  After he left, I went to bed, and thankfully, sleep came quickly for me. The glowing warmth spread through me, and I buried myself deeper in the pillows. I didn’t want to wake up from the dream, back to the stark reality of the cold bed, but I couldn’t fight it anymore.

  I opened my eyes and blinked to be sure I wasn’t still dreaming. Jack sat on the bed next to me, his brow furrowed, but he wasn’t doing anything. Just thinking.

  “Good morning,” I said. I had no idea what he was doing, but it definitely made my heart beat faster.

  “Hi. Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you. I just…” He licked his lips and stared at me. “I don’t wanna be broken up anymore. ”

  “I don’t know what to tell you. ” I looked away from him and pushed myself so I was sitting up. “I don’t even understand why you broke up with me. ”

  “I thought that was the best thing for you. ” He leaned back, resting his head against the wall. “I felt like it was what you wanted. ”

  “How would I want that?” I asked incredulously. “You know how I feel about you, and what I’ve fought to be with you!”

  “And what you’ve given up. ” He sighed. “You gave up way too much. ”

  “I didn’t give up anything,” I said. Unless he meant Peter, but I hoped we weren’t going down that road again.

  “You gave up being human,” he said. “For me, it never seemed like that big of a deal. But for you, I think giving up death really messed with you. ”

  “I didn’t give it up. I can still die,” I said, but he did have a point.

  “And you’re so young. ” He chewed his lip. “Compared to me, you don’t seem that young, but you are. You didn’t know what you wanted to do with your life, and that was okay when you were seventeen and had college to figure it out. But when you got immorality, you had endless time in front of you, and it’s like you had no idea what to do. It’s too much. ”

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “But there’s nothing I can do about that. I can’t undo this, and it’s not like I want to die. I just… I’ve been trying to find something I’m passionate about, besides you. Something to fill my time with. ”

  “No, I understand that. I got afraid that I was holding you back. ” He looked over at me. “This whole thing with Jane, when you were tracking down her killer, that was the most excited I’ve seen you about anything in a long time. ”

  “It wasn’t exciting,” I shook my head. A knot in my stomach twisted when I remembered killing Jonathan. “Murder isn’t fun. ”

  “No, no, I know that. ” His brow furrowed. “Are you okay with all of that?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine,” I brushed him off. “I don’t want to talk about that, though. ”

  “Okay. ” He stared at me for a moment, then went on, “I know you’re not into death, and I know you were motivated by revenge. But something about that really appealed to you. ”

  “Yeah, I guess. ” I thought about it, trying to separate my feelings of grief over Jane to the actual act of searching for a killer. “I liked solving it and feeling like I did something that mattered. Jonathan was killing girls, and I stopped him. ”

  “You did. ” Jack reached over and squeezed my hand. “I’m very, very proud of you for that. Do you know that?”

  “Not really,” I shook my head.

  “You did something you believed in and helped people. ” He turned on the bed so he faced me and moved closer to me. “You don’t need to hide that from me, okay? I mean, if this is who you are, what you’re passionate about then… Good. I support you, one hundred percent. ”

  “I don’t think this is something I want to do,” I said. “It was a onetime fluke thing. But thank you for supporting me, I guess. ”

  “Anytime. ” He smiled and looked at me intently. “I love you, Alice. And if you can forgive me for reacting poorly the other night, do you still wanna spend forever with me?”

  I smiled back at him but I didn’t get a chance to answer. Peter knocked on the open bedroom door. Hanging onto the doorframe, he leaned into the bedroom.

  “Sorry to interrupt, but Mae is freaking out,” Peter said,
but the smirk at the edge of his mouth led me to believe he wasn’t sorry. “She says she can’t find some sheets her mother gave her or something, and since Alice has been taking care of the laundry, Mae really wants to see you. ”

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  “Alice!” Mae shouted from downstairs, emphasizing his point.

  “Tell her I’ll be down in a minute. ” I sighed and got out of bed.

  Peter lingered in the doorway for a moment as I grabbed a pair of jeans off the bedroom floor. I’d only worn a tank top and underwear to bed, but they were full-on panties that covered everything.

  “Peter, why don’t you go let Mae know?” Jack suggested, not unkindly, and Peter took the cue and disappeared downstairs.

  “Sorry,” I told him as I slid on my pants. “I mean, that we didn’t get to talk. ”

  “No, it’s no big deal. ” He waved it off. “We’ve got time, right?”

  “Yeah,” I smiled.

  By the time I made it downstairs, Mae had completely torn through the linen closet in the hall. She’d gone over to Olivia’s to get everything straightened out with Rebekah, and afterwards, she came over here with Daisy and Peter to start packing.

  They were leaving tomorrow for Greenland, but they’d left most of their belongings in Australia because they’d been forced to leave in such a hurry. Mae had gone on several shopping trips lately, but she still had things she wanted to get from the house before she left.

  “Alice!” Mae yelled again, tearing an old quilt from the closet.

  “I’m right here, Mae,” I said walking up to her.

  “Oh. Sorry, love. ” She pushed a curl back from her face and smiled at me. “I’ve just been so frazzled with all of this. ”

  “It’s alright. What did you need?”

  “This blanket my mother gave me. It had roses on it. ” She held up the quilt, which did not have roses on it. “Have you seen it?”

  “No, I don’t think so,” I shook my head. “Didn’t you take with you to Australia?”

  “No. ” She put her hands on her hips and sighed. “I don’t think I could find it then. ”

  “Are you sure it’s even here? I mean, maybe you left it the last time you moved,” I said.

  “I thought for sure it was here. ” She shrugged helplessly, staring into the closet.

  “Well, just make sure you pick up your mess when you’re done,” I teased, since she’d said that same thing to me a dozen times before. She shot me a look as I walked away, and it made me laugh.

  I left her to finish sorting through what few undisturbed linens we had in the house and went to the living room. Milo had set up a game of Candyland on the floor, and he sat cross-legged across from Daisy.

  “How’s it going?” I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “Great. ” Milo shrugged.

  “Where’s Bobby?” I asked.

  “I sent him away. ” Milo motioned to Daisy, who seemed more interested in making the colored pawns dance with each other than playing the game. “I think Ezra and Peter are working on getting money transferred for them to leave and all that. ”

  “How does Ezra feel about them leaving?” I lowered my voice, and Milo shrugged.

  “These dolls aren’t as much fun as my real dolls,” Daisy sighed. She spun around the blue pawn and stuck out her bottom lip. “I wish Mae would let me take them out. ”

  “You’re getting ready to move,” Milo said, doing his best to sound cheerful. “Remember, Daisy? Mae talked to you about all the work you had to do. ”

  “I’m sick of moving. ” Daisy spun the pawn harder, and it went flying under a nearby chair. Her face crumpled, like she might start sobbing over a missing pawn.

  “I’ll get it. Don’t worry,” Milo rushed to appease her. He crawled over to the chair and reached underneath it, feeling around for the pawn.

  “He’ll get it, Daisy,” I said and put my hand on her back, and her lip quivered. “It’s okay. You don’t need to get upset. ”

  “Is she getting cranky?” Mae asked from the hall. “It’s been a few hours since she ate. ”

  With his arm still stuffed under the chair, Milo arched his eyebrow at the words a few hours. Daisy was crabby because it’d been hours since she’d eaten. Even when I was brand new, I’d been able to go a day or two without any problems.

  “Ouch!” Milo winced and yanked his hand back from under the chair.

  Before I saw it, I could smell it.   A shard of glass left over from the broken picture frame had been under the chair. In feeling around, Milo had managed to impale it in his forearm. Some blood seeped around the edges, already smelling sweet and strong, but when he pulled the glass out, it bled faster and harder. The air filled with the scent.

  Daisy was on him before either of us could react. Her mouth clamped onto his arm, and Milo grabbed onto the back of her hair. He yanked her back, but she took a chunk of his flesh with her, which only made her more insane.

  I bolted up and wrapped my arms around her waist, but she wriggled free. She was so small, she slid out, and launched herself at him. This time she went for his neck, and Milo couldn’t even push her off. If he did, he risked tearing out his throat.

  “Get her… off me. ” His words came out garbled, thanks to Daisy’s teeth in his neck.

  Mae ran in, yelling her name, but I wouldn’t let her near them. I didn’t trust her to do everything she needed to do save Milo.

  I used the same trick Jack had used on me when I wouldn’t stop drinking from Bobby. I wrapped my hand around Daisy’s throat, squeezing as tight as I could so she couldn’t swallow. Not that I could tell if she was even swallowing. Her bites seemed to be random attacks that had less to do with drinking blood than they did uncontrolled rage.

  Daisy did stop biting him long enough to turn around and clamped her mouth on my hand. I moved back, dragging her with me so I could get her away from Milo. The wound in his neck poured all over the floor, and he pressed his hands to it, trying to stop the flow.

  I wrapped my arms around Daisy, pinning her to me in hopes she would calm down, but she only seemed to get crazier with bloodlust. She clawed at my arms. Her little fingernails were like steel and raked through my skin, and she bit me anywhere her mouth could reach.

  “Daisy, honey, calm down!” Mae begged her with tears in her eyes.

  “Do something about that child now!” Ezra boomed, standing at the side of the room. “Or I will. ”

  “Alice, let me have her!” Mae held her hands out to me.

  Daisy bit my arm so hard, her teeth smashed into my bone. I winced, but I looked uncertainly at Ezra. I wasn’t doing a great job of holding her back, but at least when she was biting me, I knew she wasn’t hurting anyone else.

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  Then Daisy reached up and sliced the underside of my chin open with her fingernails. She tried to wiggle up, so she could get to the blood, and that’s when I let her go.

  “Daisy!” Mae yelled, but Daisy ran past her.

  Ezra and Peter blocked the doorway to the next room, and I stood on the other side of the room, so Daisy had nowhere to go.   She ran to the corner and turned to face us, her face contorted in her demon smile as she snarled.

  While I’d been trying to contain Daisy, Jack had come down, and he sat crouched over Milo, holding a blanket to his neck. The scratches and bites that covered my upper body stung and tingled as they tried to heal.

  “Daisy, love. ” Mae held her arms out to her and walked slowly towards her. “You need to calm down, sweetie. Everything will be alright. ”

  “No!” Daisy snarled, with blood dripping from her mouth. “No! It won’t! I’m hungry! I’m so hungry!”

  “I can feed you, love,” Mae told her softly.

  Mae reached out for her, and Daisy swiped at her. Daisy had begun to sob, but her bloodlust hadn’t relented. Mae grabbed her, wrapping her arms around her tightly to hold in h
er place, but Daisy fought her mercilessly, biting and kicking and clawing.

  “Daisy, love, please calm down. ” Mae tried stroking her hair, and Daisy nearly bit off one of Mae’s fingers. “Daisy!”

  “I’m hungry!” Daisy wailed as tears mixed with blood staining her cheeks. “It hurts! It hurts!”

  She threw her head back and began to scream. This wasn’t the scream of a child having a tantrum. This was a child in incredible, intense pain from being hungry, and she could do nothing to satiate it.

  “Mae. ” Ezra walked over to her, watching as Mae struggled to control Daisy, and he crouched down next to them.

  “She’s not usually like this,” Mae insisted, looking up at him with tears in her eyes. “This is the worst I’ve ever seen her, but…”

  “Mae,” Peter said gently. “That’s not true. She’s like this all the time now. ”

  “It hurts!” Daisy cried, but her fit seemed to be lessening. She had stopped biting Mae, but she kept kicking and wriggling.

  “Mae, she’s in pain,” Ezra told her quietly, his dark eyes rested on her.

  “If I feed her…” Mae trailed off.

  “When was the last time she ate?” Ezra asked.

  “Three hours ago. ” Mae swallowed hard and looked down at the sobbing child in her arms. She screamed and thrashed because of how much pain she was in, and even if Mae fed her now, it would only hurt again in a few hours.

  Nobody understood how it felt exactly for a child to be a vampire. By the way Daisy acted, I suspected she felt pain even worse than I did when I was starving. It had to be more than a lack of control that made her react like that. She was in agony.

  “Daisy. ” Mae held her close to her, hugging her more than restraining her, and stroked the damp curls on her head. “Daisy, love, please…” Mae squeezed her eyes tightly as tears slid out.

  Daisy’s fight picked back up, and she reached out for Ezra, trying to claw at him. She snarled and almost lunged from Mae’s arms, but Mae held fast to her. In response, Daisy sunk her teeth into Mae’s shoulders.

  “Daisy, I love you. ” Mae whispered.

  She kissed the top of her head, stroked her hair, and then as she held Daisy in her arms, Mae reached up and twisted her neck sharply. The cracking sound that her neck made as it snapped was barely audible, but I jumped when I heard it.

  For a moment – barely even long enough to take a breath – everything was so eerily silent, it didn’t seem real.

  Then Mae began to wail, and it was a sound unlike any I had ever heard before. Rocking the dead child in her arms, Mae wept with everything in her. Ezra tried to put his arm around her, and at first she pushed him off, screaming at him that she hated him, but finally she relented, letting him cradle her.

  Milo had lost enough blood where he was on the brink of blacking out, so Jack ran to get him blood. I sat next to him, holding the blanket on his neck, and watched Mae fall apart. Milo drank quickly, and then Jack carried him upstairs so he could rest.