Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  I glanced up to find him giving me what I can only describe as a pitying look. “What? No, don’t be ridiculous.”

  He threw me another worried glance and I saw red. “Look, I told you I’m fine now can you please just drop it!”

  Danny held up his hands in surrender. “Wow! Okay fine, I’ll see you later then.”

  I felt remorse as soon as I watched him walk away. I didn’t know what was wrong with me – I just didn’t feel like myself for some reason. My nightmare had rattled me more than usual and I didn’t know why but then it hit me. Today’s date was the 16th of January … it had been one year.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I stopped in my tracks as that thought sank in … a year? It didn’t feel like a year had passed. Heck, it didn’t even feel like one day had passed from that horrible day.

  However, there it was – plain as day – the cruel realisation that I had spent the last twelve months of my life wishing that I could change everything about that day … 365 days wishing that it had never happened … 8,760 hours asking one question – why?

  I started to shake, feeling quite faint. Distantly, I heard the bell ring, signalling the start of first period but I knew I couldn’t go to class. No, today of all days, I needed to be alone. So instead, I found my feet carrying me right out the exit door, leaving school work and my silly, insignificant problems far behind.

  I didn’t know where I was going but I did know one thing – wherever I was headed – it was going to be somewhere where I wouldn’t be disturbed.

  In the end, I walked the whole way to the spring. I don’t know how long it took me to reach it but I did know that it was the only place I wanted to be at that very minute.

  I sighed and sat down on the grassy bank, staring at the rushing water. It was actually quite bizarre that I felt the need to be near the very thing that had ruined my life in the first place. I closed my eyes and suddenly I was transported back a year ago …

  The sun was shining, radiating a little warmth but not enough that I felt the need to take off my jumper – after all, it was still the middle of January. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop me from lying on my back and let the rare blink of sunshine warm my face as the boat gently rocked below me.

  “Darcie.” I heard him say faintly as I opened my eyes to look at him.

  I smiled at him and sat up. “What’s up?”

  He threw me a wide grin. “You’re day-dreaming again.”

  I shrugged at him with an innocent look on my face and he laughed.

  “Come on, there’s a storm heading this way any minute – we’ve gotta get back.”

  I sighed. “Just five more minutes … we never get to spend time together anymore.”

  He smiled and let out a chuckle. “Okay, but then we really have to head back.”

  I nodded and laughed. “Ha, I knew it! I always get my way in the end.” I then lay back down and closed my eyes again.

  Suddenly the atmosphere changed.

  I opened my eyes and looked up at the sky as dark clouds appeared and then I noticed that the wind had picked up. The boat started rocking violently and I was finding it difficult to hold on.

  Two seconds later and I was thrown from the boat. I screamed out for help but my lungs felt like they were on fire. I could taste the salty water as I searched for him in the murky water. The boat was now smashed to bits from the crushing force of the waves and I was starting to panic.

  I couldn’t see anything and I was choking while I screamed out for help. I don’t know how much time passed before I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Then suddenly, I could feel strong arms around me and hear someone comforting me.

  “Darcie, you’re going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise …”

  Then things got blurry – I couldn’t bear to recall what had happened after that. The only other thing I could hear was my own voice screaming ‘Help us!’ but I knew it was hopeless …

  I opened my eyes – I was back in the present day and I was crying uncontrollably.

  God I missed him.

  I was slumped forward and breathing raggedly as I tried to calm down. Eventually, I managed to stop crying and I wiped at my cheeks angrily. I took a few deep breaths and decided to stay at the spring for a while – I didn’t think I could face going back to normality just yet.

  I sighed and heard my phone buzz in the sleepy silence. After finally locating it at the bottom of my bag, I saw that I had a message from Danny:

  ‘Where ru?’

  I chose to ignore it and shoved my phone into my pocket. I wasn’t even aware what time it was but I didn’t want to know – I needed to be alone just a little longer. So, lying back on the grass, I closed my eyes and tried not to think about anything but the sound of the water and the feel of the breeze ruffling my hair.

  I must have been lying on the bank for a few hours when I felt my phone buzz from within my pocket. Sighing, I lifted it out – it was another message from Danny:

  ‘Where ru? I’m worried.’

  Heaving a sigh, I knew I had no choice but to reply:

  ‘I’m fine. Nd 2 b alone 4 a bit.’

  A few seconds passed and my phone buzzed again:

  ‘R u ok?’

  I paused, deciding if I should reply or not when my phone rang – it was Danny.

  Reluctantly, I sat up and hit ‘accept’.

  “What?” I asked in a shaky voice.

  I heard Danny sigh in relief. “Jeez Gilmore, if you needed to be alone, you could’ve told me before running off.”

  “What do you want Danny?” I asked rather impatiently.

  “I just want to know if you’re okay – you seemed pretty distracted this morning.” Danny told me patiently.

  “I know, but I’m fine … really.” I told him forcefully, even though my unsteady voice betrayed my statement.

  I heard a heavy sigh before Danny spoke again. “You’re not fine Gilmore!” he declared. “Where are you?”

  “Leave me alone Danny.” I told him defensively.

  He grunted in frustration. “Damn it Darcie! Please, talk to me.”

  “No!” I protested. “Just drop it. Goodbye Danny.”

  I hung up before he could reply.

  I sighed heavily, turned my phone off and threw it into my bag before resuming my earlier position of lying back down onto the grassy bank.

  Half an hour passed before I heard someone approaching. I opened my eyes to find Danny staring down at me with an annoyed expression on his face.

  I sighed. “So you found me.”

  He nodded and flopped down beside me. “Yeah, the background noise was a big clue. So, wanna explain why you decided to go AWOL?”

  I shrugged. “I decided that I wanted an extra day’s holiday – so sue me.”

  Danny scrutinised my face. “Yeah, sure and you’ve been crying why?”

  “I haven’t been crying.” I told him firmly before turning away to sit up.

  “Uh huh,” Danny replied sardonically. “Then why are your eyes all red?”

  I threw him a sideways glance, watching as he pulled himself up into a sitting position but I didn’t say anything.

  “Hmm, that’s what I thought.” Danny remarked when it was clear that I wasn’t going to answer him. “So, do you wanna talk about it?”

  Unwilling, I turned to face him and shook my head.

  He nodded. “Okay, well then do you wanna get something to eat? Because I don’t know about you but I’m starting to get hungry … and cold.”

  I offered him a small smile. “Yeah, thanks. That’d be great.”

  Danny grinned crookedly. “Good. Now let’s get outta here before we get soaked!”

  He pointed to the sky and I noticed the rather large dark clouds looming over us.

  He got to his feet and offered me his hand, pulling me up. It was then that the first raindrop fell and Danny grabbed my hand, dragging me back to his car.

  “So,”
I began, after taking a bite of my sandwich. “Aren’t you gonna get in trouble for skipping school?”

  Danny shook his head. “Nah, I told Ms Greenly that I had a family emergency – she was cool about it.”

  I shook my head, marvelling at how easy it was for him to charm anything with a pulse. “How do you do it?”

  He smirked. “Animal magnetism.”

  I rolled my eyes and he chuckled. “Oh, come on Gilmore, I know you secretly admire my powers of persuasion.”

  “Am I that transparent?” I fired back dryly.

  Danny laughed. “Okay, you win. So, are we still on for our lesson later?”

  I shook my head. “I just don’t feel up to it today.”

  “That’s okay. Sure, we can sort something out for later in the week.” Danny flashed me a grin and I nodded but didn’t say anything.

  “Hey,” Danny continued. “Are you gonna go to work then?”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I don’t feel like going home just yet.”

  Danny threw me a curious look but didn’t question my debatable remark.

  Instead, he finished the last dregs of his coffee and said, “Come on, we’d better get going or we’ll be late for work.”

  I nodded, downed the last of my cappuccino and followed him out the door.

  Work passed by quite quickly and I was shocked when I looked at my watch to find that it was indeed home time. I was still hesitant about going home so early since I was certain that my mother would be waiting to greet me with one of her ‘it’s bad to bottle up your feelings’ speeches. As much as I wished that I would be proven wrong on this assumption, I knew that today of all days, it wouldn’t happen.

  Sighing, I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to face the music sooner or later. So, when Danny offered me a lift home, I felt like I had no choice but to accept. We didn’t talk much on the journey over to my house and for that, I was grateful.

  About ten minutes later and I was waving Danny off as I slowly made my way up the garden path. Much to my horror, my mother’s car was already parked in the carport – it was time to accept my inevitable fate.

  I heaved a sigh and approached the kitchen with trepidation. I found my mother humming happily as she fiddled about with some saucepans on the cooker.

  “Something smells good.” I commented, making my way over to her.

  My mother turned and smiled. “Hey honey, how was school?”

  “Um, okay.” I told her, deciding it was best if she didn’t know that I had skipped today.

  She smiled and nodded. “That’s good. How was work?”

  I didn’t answer her right away, I was too busy frowning at her in puzzlement – did she not realise what date it was?

  “Oh, it was fine.” I eventually said, still looking at her in bewilderment. I had thought that she’d be revelling in the fact that she’d finally had a legitimate reason for instigating one of her touchy-feeling conversations – clearly, I was mistaken.

  My mother smiled at me again and then turned her attention back to cooking dinner. Since it looked like I had escaped one of her lectures, I decided to leave her to it and made my way upstairs to my room.

  I flopped onto my bed and mulled over my mother’s behaviour. I found it strange that she hadn’t mentioned anything about today being the first anniversary. Then again, during the last few weeks, my mother hadn’t really bothered me with questions about how I was feeling.

  Was it possible that she was beginning to think I had accepted everything? If this was this case, then I was glad – even though it wasn’t true. However, if my mother believed that I was moving on, I wasn’t going to be the one to correct her.

  Later on, I managed to make my way through dinner without my mother mentioning what date it was. I did find it strange but I didn’t feel the need to question it as I was happy that I wasn’t going to be interrogated about my feelings.

  That said, later on when I got ready for bed, I knew that my subconscious wouldn’t let me forget about what had happened last year. And sure enough, when I eventually managed to drift off … the nightmare attacked.

  My lungs felt like they were on fire. I could taste the salty water but there was nothing I could do to stop it from rushing into my lungs. I was choking while I screamed out for help and I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. Suddenly, I could feel strong arms around me and hear someone comforting me.

  “Darcie, you’re going to be okay. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise …”

  When I woke up sweating profusely later that night, that’s when it hit me. My subconscious would never forgive me for what had happened that day. No matter how much I tried to move on or ignore the images in my head, it wouldn’t change a thing. It was a constant reminder of what I had lost and how it was – and always would be – my fault …

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The rest of January passed in a blur. In an effort to keep myself from dwelling on the past, I had thrown myself into my swimming lessons and school work. It seemed to have worked well since it was soon the end of February. Well, they did say that the first year was the hardest but after that it got easier. Although, that said, the events of that day were never far from my thoughts – the memories were still there, lurking in the back of my mind … and little did I know that I was soon going to relive each horrifying moment.

  Danny smiled lopsidedly at me as we walked out of the leisure centre after a two-hour training session. “You’re doing really well Gilmore, a few more lessons like that and you’ll be ready for the competition in no time.”

  “Yeah right!” I scoffed. “I’ve still a lot to learn – it’s a good thing we’ve got a few months left to train.”

  Danny shook his head in disbelief. “You don’t give yourself enough credit – I mean look at how much you’ve achieved in five months – you should be proud of yourself.”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. It just seems quite daunting – that’s all.”

  Danny nodded. “That’s understandable, considering what you’ve had to overcome.”

  He threw me a sympathetic look and I instantly grew defensive.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  He looked at me, stunned, but I could also see a trace of something else in his expression – it almost looked like guilt. However, when he finally spoke, his face was impassive.

  “I just mean the flashbacks and stuff.”

  I threw him a suspicious look but didn’t question his answer – I was probably just being paranoid. I sighed heavily. “Oh, right. Well, I guess I’d better get home.”

  Danny smiled. “Yeah. Do you need a lift?”

  I shook my head. “No, my mother lent me her car today. Thanks anyway.”

  Danny nodded and started to make his way over to his car but quickly stopped and bounded over to me.

  “Hey, I forgot to tell you that I’ve got the entry forms for the competition. I meant to bring yours with me but forgot to lift it. Do you wanna follow me to my house and pick it up now?”

  I nodded. “Sure, lead the way.”

  I got into my mother’s car and followed Danny out onto the road until we reached his house. Once we had both parked our cars, Danny motioned for me to go inside. I locked the car and followed him through the front door.

  “Hey, are you in a hurry to get home?” Danny asked me suddenly.

  I shook my head. “No, why?”

  “I was thinking that we could fill in the forms together.” Danny suggested with a grin.

  I nodded. “Sure, just as long as you make some coffee.” I added with a cheeky smirk.

  Danny laughed. “Fine. You put the kettle on and I’ll run and grab the forms.”

  I raised my eyebrows at him. “Is this how you treat all of your guests?”

  He smirked. “No, you’re just extra lucky!”

  I laughed as he bolted upstairs while I made my way into the kitchen. I flicked the kettle on and sat down at the table as Danny entered the ro
om. He feigned a look of disgust when he saw me sitting down.

  “You’re not gonna make the coffee too?”

  I threw him a challenging look. “That would be pushing your luck Danny-boy.”

  He chuckled and threw his hands up in defeat. “Fine! Oh here, there’s some stuff I printed off about different swimming strokes too – you should take a look.”

  He handed me a pile of papers and then proceeded to bang about the kitchen, gathering up mugs and spoons.

  I quickly leafed through the pile of articles and information sheets about perfecting swimming techniques until I came across an article that made my blood run cold.

  Dumfounded, I stared at the newspaper article. It depicted the worst moment in my entire existence in just two small paragraphs:

  LOCAL MAN, 39, TRAGICALLY DROWNS DURING STORM

  Daughter, 16, Miraculously Survives

  Last night, the MCA was called out during one of the worst storms to hit Langley Falls in ten years. The Search and Rescue team were called in to save a father and daughter whose fishing trip took a nasty turn. The pair – Jack Gilmore, 39, and Darcie Gilmore, 16, – were left fighting for survival when their boat was severely damaged by the storm. The pair had gone out earlier that day but failed to make it ashore before the storm hit.

  The SAR was not alerted until Mr Gilmore’s ex-wife, Miss Stephanie Chester, 37, phoned in after the pair failed to return home. Rescue workers found them nearly two hours later, with Darcie Gilmore clinging onto debris from the boat. Sadly, Mr Gilmore had already passed away due to severe water inhalation. Paramedics on the scene attempted to revive Mr Gilmore but tragically, it was too late. Darcie Gilmore, 16, was admitted to hospital with a mild case of hypothermia and is said to be in a stable condition.

  I sat in silence for a few seconds – I was in shock. I stared at the harsh black letters and tried to form some sort of rational thought but all I could think was that Danny had lied to me.