Learning to Breathe

by J. C. McClean

  Danny then lifted his head to look at me. “When they told us that you’d flat-lined during surgery, I was ready to explode. I – I felt sick to my stomach … the thought of …”

  He shook his head abruptly as if he was trying to erase the unspoken words from his mind.

  “Yeah,” he continued a few seconds later. “So when they said you were gonna be fine, I was so relieved. I know I didn’t visit but I was trying to come up with some way to apologise before I saw you again.”

  I nodded and placed my hand reassuringly on his arm. “Hey, I think we both said things we regret. Maybe we should just forget it ever happened, yeah? Oh, and I’d appreciate it if you would keep the whole thing about my father just between us.”

  Danny threw me a weak smile. “That’s fine and I’d like us to get back to normal but there’s something I want to tell you first.”

  I frowned in puzzlement. “Okay, what is it?”

  Danny took a deep breath. “The day of the fight, do you remember when you said that I didn’t know anything about what you went through?”

  I nodded. “Yeah and I’m really sorry about all that.”

  Danny shook his head and waved his hand impatiently to stop me. “Let me finish. Well, the thing is, there’s something about my past that I think you should know. Since I pried into your private life without your permission, I think it’s only fair if I tell you the truth about mine.”

  Danny sat in silence for a few minutes while I sat and patiently waited for him to speak. He took a few deep breaths and then looked directly at me.

  “You know when you asked me about my scars and I was a bit vague? Well, before I tell you what really happened, I need to start at the beginning. Before moving to Dover Springs, I lived in Spearhead. It was a big place but the part where I grew up, everyone knew everybody. In the end, that’s part of the reason why we ended up moving.”

  I threw him a puzzled look and he continued on.

  “Anyway, back to my point. It was 2008 and it was the start of the summer holidays. I remember looking forward to eight weeks of freedom and hanging out with my friends, making plans for my 15 birthday which was three weeks later on the 23 of July. Anyway, it was the 7 of July and we’d been off school for a week. We were driving Mum insane so she decided that we should go to the swimming pool.”

  I instantly picked up on his sudden use of ‘we’ but I didn’t question him. Instead, I watched him take another deep breath but I also noticed that he was now shaking slightly. He avoided my gaze when he spoke again.

  “We spent two hours mucking about and that’s when I first realised that I enjoyed swimming. Anyway, it was time for us to go home and it was pouring down quite heavily but Mum was anxious to get home since Dad would be home from work soon. But we were fighting about who had to sit in the back and Mum was in such a rush she told me to just let Josh sit in the front … and I stupidly let him.”

  He took a shuddering breath and glanced at me. “I’ve regretted that decision ever since. We were driving along and the rain was getting worse but Mum didn’t want to pull over and wait for it to ease off. So, we kept going but the rain made it hard to see and that’s why we didn’t see the lorry until it was too late.”

  My heart went out to Danny as his voice cracked on the last word. There were tears in his eyes but he was determined to finish his story.

  “The lorry driver was drunk and had thought that the road was clear and pulled out but it ended up smashing into the passenger side of our car. I remember the glass showering over me and a rather large shard was stuck in my lip. After that, everything’s a little fuzzy but I’ll never forget the paramedics pulling out my little brother’s lifeless body. Josh was only eleven and I remember them saying that because he had been so young, he hadn’t stood a chance at surviving.”

  Danny paused and I gave his arm an affectionate squeeze, willing him to carry on.

  “When I heard that – every day since then I’ve wished that it had been me sitting in the front. I had better odds of surviving the crash but because I didn’t argue about sitting in the back, my little brother died. I survived with minimal cuts from the glass and Josh died – it just didn’t seem fair. I mean I just ended up with a few scars and dead nerves in part of my lower lip but he lost his life. Josh was such a funny little kid … he was always cracking jokes and being sarcastic – in a way, you remind me of him.”

  He threw me a small smile which I returned.

  “Anyway,” he continued. “The rest of that summer, I threw myself into swimming. It was my way of dealing with everything but when I went back to school – everyone starting treating me differently and I didn’t like it. I didn’t want their pity. Then there was the whole thing with Kimmy and Lance – it was kind of the last nail in the coffin. So, six months later, we moved here and I started working at the pool and gradually, I began to accept what had happened and how it wasn’t my fault.”

  I gave him a sympathetic look. “I’m so sorry Danny. I had no idea.”

  He shrugged. “I guess your accident brought back some of the memories from that day. I thought I’d dealt with it all back then but I guess you never really get over something like that.”

  I nodded. “I know what you mean. Have you ever told anyone else about it?”

  Danny shook his head. “No, I couldn’t stand the pitying looks I was sure I’d get. So, I decided to start over – I’d been given a second chance and didn’t want to waste it. It was then that I vowed to myself that I would never drink – that’s why I don’t party with everyone else – and overcome my fear of cars.”

  I threw him a questioning look and he gave me a half-smile.

  “Yeah, I suffered from flashbacks too. I was terrified of going anywhere near a car until I made myself learn to drive. I couldn’t stand to live in fear forever so with some help from a psychologist friend of my father’s, I learned to overcome my phobia.”

  “So that’s why you knew so much about that ‘Flooding’ technique.” I suddenly realised and Danny nodded.

  “Yeah, that’s why I felt compelled to look into your past. I know it was wrong but I thought it might help me to figure you out a bit better – that’s all.”

  I sighed. “I guess that makes sense. I appreciate you telling me all this.”

  Danny nodded. “Yeah but I also hope you’ve learned something as well.”

  “What?” I frowned.

  “That you can’t blame yourself for what happened to your father. It wasn’t your fault.” Danny said softly.

  I instantly stiffened and became defensive. “You of all people should know that it’s not always that simple.” I told him harshly.

  If only he knew the truth.

  Danny heaved a sigh. “I know but if you ever want to talk – I’m here.”

  “Right.” I said rather coldly; I was starting to feel uneasy with all this talk about my father so I decided to change the subject.

  “So, I guess I’m gonna have to pull out of the competition now.”

  “What?” Danny stared at me as if I was crazy. “You’re not giving up now – I’m not letting all of your hard work go to waste!”

  “Danny, in case you haven’t noticed but I’m not exactly in the best shape to train!” I retorted back sharply.

  Danny threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. “The competition’s not until the middle of June! I know we’ll be pushed for time but we can still do it.”

  I shook my head stubbornly. “No way! I have broken bones Danny! I’m not gonna be fit to enter.”

  “That’s crap and you know it!” Danny shot back angrily. “You’ll be out of commission for six weeks at the most so that gives us about two months to train … we can do it Darcie!”

  I grunted in frustration. “No Danny, I’m not doing it and that’s that!”

  “Well it’s too late!” Danny told me ominously. “I’ve already filled out our forms and posted them off.”

  “WHAT?” I yelled ferociously as Dann
y quickly stood up and started backing towards the door.

  “I’m doing this for your own good!” he insisted haughtily. “You can thank me later.”

  I let out a howl of rage and lobbed a cushion at him. He ducked and then flashed me that killer lopsided smile. “Okay, that’s it settled then … see you in six weeks!” And with a cheeky wink, he vanished out the door.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  The next few weeks passed by quite quickly and I was recovering really well – too well actually. It had been over a month from the accident and Dr. Kennedy was incredibly pleased with my progress and actually encouraged me to go through with Danny’s plan. I had thought that the good doctor would’ve been against Danny’s insane idea but no, he said as long as I didn’t overdo it, it would actually help my recovery!

  So, I had to resign myself to the fact that I would have to go through with the competition after all. My mother had even gotten in on the act and tried to convince me that it would be a good experience for me – I wasn’t so sure.

  The last few weeks had been far from restful. As if stressing about the competition wasn’t enough, I had never-ending homework and the nightmares to contend with. The homework wasn’t too bad since Harriet was kind enough to help me out but the nightmares – well they were a different story.

  They had progressively gotten worse over the course of the last few weeks. I knew I was foolish to believe that my sleep would ever be undisturbed but I didn’t expect the nightmare to now include images from the car crash. Most nights I woke up sweating profusely and feeling on the edge of a total meltdown. I hadn’t felt this low since the early days of my time spent with Dr. Kendrick.

  Then there was the fact that I refused to speak to Danny. He was the one who had landed me in this situation and right now, I resented him for that. Every time I caught sight of him, I avoided him like the plague. Yes, it was childish but I couldn’t face him – not when I was still so mad for what he did.

  However, it was now approaching the end of my six-week deadline and I knew that I would have to start training again but I planned to make this a little difficult for Danny. After all, I figured he deserved to be punished for his sneaky behaviour. He was about to learn that I wasn’t ready to give in – not without a fight first.

  So, over a week later, on a Thursday afternoon, my cast was finally off. However, as happy as I was to be rid of the horrible thing, it also meant that Danny would be looking me to start training again and I wasn’t looking forward to it at all.

  The very next day, I managed to successfully hide from Danny until it was time for P.E. I had planned on skipping and going home early but I soon found out that this would not be possible. I was at my locker, packing my bag with books I needed over the weekend, when I heard him.

  “You wouldn’t be trying to sneak off home now, would you Gilmore?” came Danny’s voice teasingly. I whirled around to find him smirking at me in amusement.

  “No!” I protested. “I forgot my swimsuit … I was just coming back to get it!” I lied feebly, knowing that Danny would never believe my pathetic attempt at an excuse.

  He raised his eyebrows. “Really? Is that so? That’s funny because Val just called me into the office, gave me your kit – your mother dropped it off earlier since you left it at home – and told me to pass it on to you.”

  He produced my swimming bag from behind his back and I scowled at him.

  “Fine!” I snapped, as I yanked the bag from him. “I lied. But if you and my mother think that working together is gonna force me to do this, you’re sadly mistaken – I’m going home!”

  Danny held his hands up in surrender. “Okay but you’re the one who’s gonna have to tell Ms Greenly first.”

  He then threw me a cunning look and walked off.

  Sighing to myself, I backtracked to Ms Greenly’s office and cited that I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go home. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t believe me (my mother had forewarned her that I would attempt to bail) and demanded that I go to P.E. at once or she would have to give me detention.

  After seriously considering accepting the detention, I reluctantly changed my mind (I knew my mother would go nuts if I received a detention) and begrudgingly made my way to the Sports Wing, resigned to the fact that I would have to endure an hour and a half of Danny’s smug face.

  After I changed into my suit, I walked into the pool to find Danny smirking at me. He was already in the water; apparently he had been waiting for me. Throwing him a dirty look, I sighed heavily and gingerly stepped into the pool. I was still a little tender from the accident and I didn’t fail to notice the flicker of horror on Danny’s face when he clocked the bruises on my leg and shoulder.

  “Jeez Gilmore, are you sure you’re okay to do this?” he asked, concern in his voice.

  I glared at him. “Well apparently you and my mother think so. It obviously doesn’t matter what I think because Dr. Fletcher knows best …”

  Danny looked quite sheepish at my remark. “Yeah, I guess I don’t know how you feel.”

  “You think?” I shot back with a slight smirk.

  “Sorry.” Danny muttered, looking at me ruefully.

  “So you should be.” I retorted with a small smile.

  Danny then flashed me a crooked grin, knowing that he was forgiven, and said, “We’ll take it really easy today, okay?”

  I nodded. “I suppose so.”

  He then instructed me to swim a few laps of the pool just to see how I felt. Sighing heavily, I pushed myself through the water and stopped abruptly when the flashbacks threatened to take over.

  Danny immediately swam over to me.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, the concern clear in his voice.

  I could feel the corners of my eyes burning but I willed myself not to cry.

  “I can’t do it.” I told him simply.

  He shook his head. “Yes you can.”

  “How do you know?” I sniffed miserably.

  “Because I know you can. Together, we can do it.” Danny flashed me a grin and I found myself laughing.

  “Are you always this confident?”

  He smiled. “Do I really need to answer that?”

  I grinned and shook my head. He then motioned for me to wait there and then abruptly lifted himself out of the pool, walked over to Ms Mahon and whispered something in her ear. I watched as she shook her head, looking horrified but a second later, Danny had thrown her a pleading look and a charming smile and she was now rolling her eyes and nodding reluctantly.

  Danny beamed at her and then bounded over to the iPod dock with a wicked smile on his face. I wondered what he was up to since Ms Mahon didn’t like us playing music when she was trying to teach the others in the pool.

  The next minute, The Black Keys’ ‘Gold on the Ceiling’ blared to life and I threw Danny a questioning look as he jumped into the pool and swam over to me.

  He flashed me that uneven grin. “I got Ms Mahon to bend her ‘no music’ rule since I thought this would be very motivating for your first lesson back.”

  I shook my head in amazement. “I will never understand your powers of persuasion but I can’t knock your taste in music … let’s get started!”

  Two hours later, and Danny and I left school feeling very tired. True to his word, Danny had let me take it easy but since I was so out of practice, I found myself getting tired after half an hour – I couldn’t even manage to swim one length of the pool. In the end, we just went over a few different techniques and then messed about for the remainder of time left.

  “So,” Danny began, as soon as he pulled up outside my house. “There’s a party down at the spring tonight – you wanna go?”

  I shrugged. “Sure, I could do with having some fun.”

  Danny grinned. “Great, I’ll pick you up at seven-thirty.”

  I smiled, got out of the car and waved him off. It was then that I noticed that my mother’s car was there and I wondered what she was doing home so early.
r />   I opened the door and found my mother sitting on the couch looking oddly calm.

  “Mum?” I asked hesitantly. “Are you okay?”

  She turned to face me and motioned for me to sit down beside her.

  “Sit down honey … I have some news.”

  I slowly made my way over to the couch and flopped down, my heart beating wildly.

  “Is something wrong?” I enquired tentatively.

  My mother shook her head. “Not exactly. It’s just there’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a few weeks now. But, with your accident and everything, I decided to wait.”

  I nodded. “Okay … what is it?”

  I was really starting to freak out now.

  My mother sighed deeply. “I’ve met someone.”

  I stared at her, waiting for the information to sink in until I eventually found the will to speak.

  “You’ve met someone?” I echoed.

  She nodded. “Yes, his name’s William and he’s really nice. I really like him Darcie.”

  Anger was boiling up inside of me now.

  “William?” I repeated loudly, my temper flaring.

  My mother didn’t say anything but placed a consoling hand on my arm.

  I flinched away. “What about Dad?” I yelled angrily. “It’s only been a year!”

  “Honey, your father and I were divorced a year before he died. Part of me will always love and miss him but it’s time for me to move on. We divorced for a reason Darcie – you know that.”

  I shook my head impatiently. “But it’s an insult to his memory!”

  I was on a roll now and the thing that had been bugging me for weeks was now spilling out.

  “I mean you didn’t even acknowledge the anniversary of his death!”

  A flicker of pain flashed over my mother’s face. “Darcie, I didn’t want to upset you since you seemed to be doing so well. I spoke about it on the phone to Dr. Kendrick and she told me to wait and see if you brought it up first. She said not to pressure you to talk about it if you didn’t want to as you’d probably bring it up when you were ready.”