“It’s from her…” Faith choked out the words. And then she couldn’t speak further for the sobs filling her throat.
“Oh, Faith!” Mrs. Baldwin crooned. She rocked Faith back and forth on the bed.
“What’s going on?” Mr. Baldwin said, coming into the room. “Faith, are you all right?”
Faith blinked up at her father and nodded as the tears kept falling.
“She’s heard,” Mrs. Baldwin said.
“What? Heard what?”
“From her birth mother.”
“What?” Mr. Baldwin exclaimed, moving closer to the bed. He sat down and pried the letter from Faith’s hands. “Can I read it?”
Faith nodded.
Mrs. Baldwin let go of her and together, she and her husband hunched over the letter and read. Faith drew her knees up to her chin and put her arms around her legs.
When they finished reading, they both looked at Faith, moisture in their eyes.
“She sounds like a lovely person,” Mrs. Baldwin said, her voice soft. She put her hand on one of Faith’s knees.
Mr. Baldwin sighed. “Yes. She does.” He handed the letter back to Faith.
“What now?” Mrs. Baldwin asked. “Now that you know who she is and where she is.” She wiped her eyes. “I don’t think you can meet her. She didn’t say so, did she?”
Mr. Baldwin cleared his throat. “I don’t think meeting her is possible. No one knows of you except her husband.”
Faith watched her parents. Why were they making such pointed remarks about her not meeting Nancy face-to-face? For that’s exactly what Faith wanted, to meet her face-to-face. The fact that her birth mother had written indicated her openness to it. Didn’t it?
“But she wrote me,” Faith said. “She wants to meet me.”
Mrs. Baldwin’s face turned ashen. “I’m sure she wants to meet you, Faith. But it doesn’t mean that she can. She didn’t say one word about meeting you. She only spoke of writing.”
“Writing is safe,” her father said. “Meeting her… Going there again? No. I agree with your mother. The woman hasn’t invited you.”
The woman? That’s what he was going to call her?
“Her name is Nancy,” Faith interjected, more harshly than she intended.
The room went silent. Faith’s nostrils flared. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She regretted her hard tone. Could she blame her parents for being upset? “You’re right,” she continued. “She never asked me to come. You’re right. Both of you.”
But would Nancy ask her to come? If they kept exchanging letters, would she eventually agree to meet her? Faith had so many more questions to ask. She wanted every detail of her birth. The circumstances surrounding it. Who her father was. How amazing it would be to watch her mother’s face while she recounted the story.
She knew that Abel Hershberger wasn’t her father. That much she did know. That was something. More than she’d known an hour ago.
And she had brothers and sisters. Five of them! How wonderful. And she’d liked the young boy Jeremy. Right from the first moment, she’d liked him.
“Faith?” her mother asked.
Faith flinched and brought herself back from her thoughts.
“What now?” her father asked her. “Will you continue to write?”
“Of course!” Faith squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, hardly believing it was happening. “I’m going to write her back right now.”
Mrs. Baldwin stood and looked down at Faith. “I’m happy for you. Truly, I am.”
Faith’s eyes again welled with tears. “Thank you, Mom.” She looked up at her father. “Thank you, Dad.”
They both bent down and kissed her cheek.
“Don’t stay up too late,” Mrs. Baldwin said. “School tomorrow, you know.”
Faith shook her head and smiled. “Aw, Mom.”
She didn’t want to remind her mother that her first class was late in the morning. She let it go, knowing her mother needed to parent her right then.
Her dad closed her bedroom door behind him with a gentle click. Faith let out her breath in a long sigh. She lay her head back and let her feelings wash over her. She hadn’t felt this content, this happy for months and months.
She glanced at her phone. She should tell Seth. He’d be delighted for her. She reached toward the phone and then paused. No. She’d tell him in the morning. There was plenty of time.
Nancy fixed a huge breakfast the next morning. She made sure she cooked everything that Abel liked best. She made pancakes, scrambled eggs, bacon, fried ham, biscuits, and fried shredded potatoes. She served it all with warm syrup and fresh blackberry jam.
When he came to the table, his eyes nearly popped from his head.
“Good morning, Abel,” she said. Love for him surged through her chest. She stepped around the table to grab his hand, but he moved to the side. She gave him a questioning look, but he ignored her, instead pulling out his chair and sitting down.
“Sure is a lot of food,” he muttered.
She stared at him. What was wrong? She had no more secrets. Hadn’t they come to an understanding the day before? Why was he acting so strange?
“I-I fixed everything you like,” she said.
“I can see that.”
Her insides went cold. She moved to the stairs and hollered for the children. Within minutes, they all came tumbling down to the table.
“Ach, Mamm!” Jeremy cried. “Is it someone’s birthday?”
“Oooo, yummy,” said Gracie. “Can I have two pancakes?”
“Are Maami and Daadi coming for breakfast?” asked Debbie.
“Sit down, children,” Nancy directed. She scooted the baby’s chair closer to the table.
Abel folded his hands. “Let’s bow for prayer.”
Everyone bowed and prayed silently. Nancy’s mind was whirling. She couldn’t understand what had happened. She thought Abel would be pleased with her efforts, but it seemed she was wrong. Dreadfully wrong.
Abel cleared his throat and grace was over. Food was quickly dished up, with the children chattering about how good everything looked and tasted. Nancy chewed her eggs as if they were pieces of rubber. The joy was gone. She glanced at Abel throughout the meal, watching him as he carefully studied each forkful of food before he brought it to his lips. What was the matter with him?
When everyone was finished eating, Debbie and Gracie began clearing the table. The boys raced out to the barn to start their chores. Only Nancy and Abel and the baby remained.
“Abel?” she said.
“I better get to the fields,” he said, his voice expressionless. He stood and headed to the side door. Nancy hurried after him.
“Abel,” she cried. “Wait.”
He stopped with his hand on the door knob.
“What’s wrong?”
He looked through the window of the door with his lips pressed in a tight line above his beard. He didn’t answer.
She put her hand on his arm. “Abel. Please talk to me.”
He focused on her then, and she saw the pain in his eyes. “Making me a fine breakfast don’t make up for everything.”
She dropped her hand. “What?”
“You think you can make all this all right with a good breakfast?”
Her jaw dropped, and she shook her head. “I was only trying… I thought that… I was only trying to show my gratitude.”
“Did you write her yet?”
“Jah.”
“I figured.”
“But you said I could.”
He pressed his straw hat down on his head. “I know I did.”
“Well, didn’t you mean it?”
“Jah. I meant it. No good could come from me saying no.”
“But I thought… Well, I thought you were truly all right with it. Don’t you want me to continue?”
He moaned. “And where’s this going to end, Nancy? Huh? Where’s this going to end?”
She bowed her head. “I don’t know.” Her voice was
soft.
“She wants to meet you.”
“I know.” Nancy looked up at him. “I told her that she couldn’t.”
“I know you did.” His eyes bore into hers. “But you want to. From what I can figure it’s what you’ve always wanted.”
She blinked back her tears and nodded.
“It can’t be, Nancy. It simply can’t be.” His voice was harsh.
“I know. That’s why I told her no.” But inside, Nancy was crumbling. More than anything, she wanted his answer to be yes. More than anything.
He clasped her forearm. “You understand, don’t you? Bringing her here is impossible. How would we explain it?”
She sucked in air. “We couldn’t.”
“That’s right. We couldn’t. And what would you tell our kinner?”
Anger burst through her then. She shook off his hand. “Nothing!” she cried. “We could tell them nothing. Just like I’ve told them nothing their whole lives.” Her eyes narrowed. “I know it’s not possible. You don’t have to keep telling me!”
She turned on her heel and stomped off, her bare feet slapping the wooden floor. She flew up the stairs and ran to her bedroom. Trembling, she sank to the bed. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to stop the shaking, but it was useless. She lay over on her side.
She had just acted worse than a spoiled child. Arguing with her husband like that. In truth, throwing a fit. She closed her eyes. Dear Lord Gott, please forgive me, she prayed.
The Lord must be mightily displeased with her right now. What had she been thinking to act in such an ugly manner?
All this because she wanted to meet her daughter. But what would Faith think of her if she’d seen how dreadfully she’d just acted? She probably wouldn’t want to meet her anymore. Nancy wiped her cheeks. This wouldn’t do. This wouldn’t do at all.
She stood and went back downstairs. Abel was no longer in the wash room. He’d probably gone directly out to the fields after her tirade.
“Girls, can you watch the baby?” she called into the kitchen. “I’m going out to talk to your dat for a minute.”
“Okay, Mamm,” came Debbie’s voice.
Nancy tucked a few loose strands of hair back under her kapp. She said another quick prayer and hurried out the door and into the fields. She carefully ran through the rows of corn, but even so, she felt the pricks of stubby weeds on her feet as she went. She should have taken a moment to put on her shoes. She spotted Abel to the west and made her way to him. His back was to her.
“Abel?” she said.
He must have heard her for he turned. His expression was clouded and cold.
“I’m sorry,” she said.
He nodded at her.
“I acted horribly. You’ve been more understanding than I deserve, and I’ve acted like a child.” She gave him a hopeful look. As she stood there, in the middle of the cornfield, she realized how much she loved this strong, willful man. She wanted things to be good between them again. She hated this division, this wall between them.
A breeze rippled through the field, brushing the corn tassels against her arms. Abel took off his hat and fiddled with the brim.
“Thank you for coming out here,” he said finally.
“Will you forgive me?” she asked.
He gazed at her, and she knew that he was giving her words double meaning. Would he forgive her…? For having relations with an Englisch boy? For giving birth to a child?
Or just for acting horribly a few minutes before?
“The Lord Gott commands us to forgive,” he said, his voice thin. “That’s what I live by.”
So then. Forgiveness just for acting horribly a few moments before.
It was a start anyway. Nancy nodded and then turned to walk back to the house. The stubby sprigs of corn and occasional weeds stabbed at her feet worse on the way back. They hurt something fierce.
Chapter Six
Faith wandered through the hallways of her community college, aimlessly heading for her next class. She wanted to be anywhere else at the moment. She mourned again the loss of her excitement and anticipation for her new classes. In truth, she couldn’t have cared less.
“Faith!” Cassie called down the hall with a wave.
Faith smiled as her dear friend approached.
“I still think it’s a bummer we didn’t get a single class together,” Cassie said, pushing aside her mop of blond hair. It was a constant amazement to Faith how the girl’s hair was forever a mess, yet it always looked completely appealing, a charming tousled look that seemed to magnetize every guy within a mile.
“How’s it going?” Faith asked, mustering up some energy.
Cassie stared at her. Then she grabbed her arm and pulled her into a small alcove with two stuffed armchairs sitting kitty-corner from one another. “What’s wrong?”
Faith gaped at her. Another constant amazement was how Cassie could always see right through her.
“Nothing,” she said.
Cassie yanked her down to one of the chairs and plopped into the other one. “Right. Nothing.” She stared at Faith, her eyebrows raised.
“Fine.” Faith blew out her breath. “I don’t want to be here.”
“Then why are you?”
Faith grimaced. “What do you mean? I have to be here. I have class in like five minutes.”
“So.”
“What do you mean so?”
“I mean no one’s forcing you to be here.”
“Cassie, it’s not like that.”
“Then what is it like? College isn’t mandatory.” Cassie gave her a frank look. “Although, weren’t you the one who couldn’t wait to get out of high school so you could start college?”
“Yeah, that was me.”
“Well?”
“I don’t want to be here. I want to go back to Indiana and meet my birth mother. I want to know more about the Amish. I want to know who my father was. Being here, doing this…” Faith gestured widely to the hallways, “seems absolutely pointless.”
Cassie’s brows raised even higher on her forehead. “Okay. So that’s what’s wrong,” she said matter-of-factly.
“She writes me,” Faith said, an urgency filling her voice. “And I write her, too. I know her address. I know who she is.”
Cassie’s face went white. “Then why in the world haven’t you told me! Are you freakin’ kidding me?”
Faith’s eyes lit up. “No! I’m not kidding! I haven’t known very long.”
“But you didn’t tell me?” Cassie reared back in her chair, dropping her backpack to the floor. “You didn’t tell me?”
Faith groaned. Why hadn’t she told Cassie right away? Within minutes? Cassie would have told her if the situation were reversed.
Faith reached over and touched Cassie’s knee. “I’m sorry, Cass. Really, I am. It’s just been so huge that I haven’t really talked to anyone about it.”
“Not even Seth?”
Faith blanched. She pressed her lips together.
Cassie’s eyes bugged. “You haven’t even told Seth?” Her voice was incredulous.
“Not everything. No.” Faith suddenly saw how awful that sounded. She should have told Seth all of this immediately. Why hadn’t she? He loved her. She loved him. Why had she kept this to herself?
“You are unbelievable,” Cassie said. “He’s gonna be major hurt.”
Faith rubbed her hand over her face, her hand sliding down to rest at the base of her neck. “You’re right,” she eked out.
“So, who is she? Is her name really Nancy? And how do you know? You didn’t know when you came back from Indiana. So, what’s changed?” The questions came at her like artillery fire.
Faith raised her hand. “Okay, okay. I’ll tell you everything.”
And she did. Cassie listened, her face open and astounded as Faith told her about Old Mae, her letters, Nancy’s response. When she finished, Cassie had tears in her eyes.
“It’s like a movie,” she said breathlessly
. “Really. I’m not just saying that.”
“If it was a movie,” Faith said, “there’d be no happy ending. Nancy still doesn’t want to meet me.”
“Maybe that’s not her choice,” Cassie stated.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Why does she get to call all the shots in this scenario? You’re her kid. Don’t you have some rights?”
Faith stared at her.
“It’s true!” Cassie continued. “Why should she get to decide everything? You know her address. Why not just drive right on up to her house and meet her. I’ll go with you.”
“I can’t do that!”
“Why not?”
“It would be rude. And thoughtless. She would never forgive me!”
Cassie shrugged. “She’d get over it. You have the right to meet her.”
Faith’s stomach twisted. “This isn’t about rights.”
“Then it should be,” Cassie stated firmly. She stood and picked up her backpack. “I, on the other hand, do want to be here. If I don’t leave, I’ll be late to class.” She glanced at her phone. “I’m already late. We’ll talk later…” And she was gone.
Faith watched her fly down the hall. She looked down at her own backpack. Never in her entire life had she skipped a class. Never. The fact was, she was somewhat of a goody-two-shoes—one of her mother’s favorite phrases—in high school. She was never tardy. Rarely sick. Her homework always done.
Responsible. Dependable. Hard-working. And predictable.
Faith picked up her backpack and walked out of the building.
Nancy couldn’t help it. It was Monday morning. Laundry day. But all she could think of was writing another letter to Faith. She stood in the basement and gazed at the empty wringer washer. Then her eyes rested on the mountain of laundry piled beside it. More than usual.
“Mamm!” Debbie yelled down the stairs. “You started yet?”
“Nee!” Nancy called back up, feeling ashamed at her daydreaming.
“Tell me when you’re ready. Gracie will watch the baby.”
“Thank you,” Nancy replied. Gracie, though only five, loved to watch the baby. Which basically meant she sat next to her on the floor and handed her one toy after another, while Miriam threw each one across the floor and giggled.
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