Nancy reached into her apron pocket and drew out the Faith’s last letter. She unfolded it and read it again. She smiled. How she treasured these letters. She pressed it to her heart.
“Someday,” she whispered. “Someday, we will meet. We have to…”
And then, not able to stop herself, she ran back upstairs and then on to the second floor to her bedroom. She hurried across the room to her dresser. She pulled open the top drawer and reached beneath her undergarments, pulling out all of Faith’s letters. She stepped to her bed and sat. Then she proceeded to read each one again. Without thinking, she took out a fresh piece of paper from her bedside table and began a new letter.
Dear Faith,
How are you today? I imagine you are at your college and attending your classes. I hope they go well. You told me that you weren’t sure what you wanted to study. I would be of no help there at all. Here, a girl only goes through eighth grade and then prepares herself for marriage and kinner. Fact is, I don’t rightly know what I would have wanted to do either if I had gone on to school. All I ever really wanted was a husband and a family.
Nancy paused, wondering if her words would hurt Faith. Would they make it all the worse that she had given Faith away? She wasn’t sure. She took a deep breath. There had been enough covering things up. Nineteen years of covering things up. If she couldn’t be frank with Faith now, what was the point?
Nancy let her words stand.
Today is laundry day. But as you can see, I’ve chosen to write you a letter first. Do you have certain days that you do laundry? Do the Englisch do laundry every Monday like most of us do?
Miriam is growing. She looks more like her father every day. Again, I want to say how happy I am that you sent me your photo. Truth is, you look like me. Slimmer, of course. But the resemblance is clear. I have no photo of myself to send to you. I’m sure you wish you could have one.
A crash came from downstairs. Nancy dropped her pen and paper and rushed to the stairway. “What is it? What’s happened?”
The baby began wailing, and Nancy tore down the steps. She burst into the kitchen and saw the baby chair on its side and Miriam bawling on the floor. Gracie gave her mother a heavy look of guilt and remorse.
“I’m sorry, Mamm!” she sputtered and began crying herself.
Nancy scooped up the baby and held her close. After a few more screams, the baby’s cries became hiccups and sniffles.
“I was just putting her in her chair,” sobbed Gracie. “She fell over.”
Nancy sat on the rocker and reached out for Gracie. Gracie flew into her arms, and Nancy held both of her youngest children.
“What happened?” asked Debbie, coming in from the wash room. “Why’s everyone crying?”
“Just a little accident,” Nancy said. “Everyone’s fine.”
“Do you need me yet? For the laundry?” Debbie asked.
Nancy stood up. “Gracie, run blow your nose. We’ll take the baby down to the basement, and you can help me watch her down there. How does that sound?”
Gracie nodded and ran off to the bathroom.
“Come on, Debbie. Bring Miriam’s quilt and some of her toys. She can play down there.”
“All right, Mamm.”
Nancy headed down the stairs with Miriam balanced on her hip. What was she thinking? Holing herself upstairs writing letters and shirking her duties. She needed to get ahold of herself. She kissed the top of Miriam’s head and waited for her other two daughters at the base of the steps.
Faith sat out on the front porch waiting for Seth to pick her up. She’d called him and asked him to take a walk with her. There was a fairly good-sized lake on the outskirts of town with a winding path surrounding it. A few years before, she’d been on a jogging kick and had gone there every day after school for a run. That was long since over, but she still liked to walk there. It was peaceful, and often there weren’t many people around.
Seth drove into her driveway, and she jumped up and ran down to the car.
“Hi, Seth,” she said as she got into the passenger seat.
“Hi yourself,” he said warmly, his brown eyes twinkling. He leaned over and gave her a kiss. “I was excited to get your call.” He squeezed her hand. “We don’t see each other much lately.”
“I know.” Faith smiled. “Ready for a walk?”
“Sure thing.”
It didn’t take long to arrive at the lake. Seth parked in a gravel parking lot, and they both got out and started down the path. Seth took her hand in his as they walked.
“How are you liking your classes?” he asked.
Faith groaned inwardly. Seth loved school, as in really loved it. She didn’t want to talk about her recent lack of interest.
“Okay,” she answered.
He looked at her. “Not so good, huh?”
“They’re okay.”
They walked in silence for a few minutes, and then Seth stopped. He looked her square in the eye. “What aren’t you saying?”
Faith blinked. “What do you mean?”
“I feel like there’s this mountain of rocks between us.” His eyes were intent on hers. “Something’s changed. Something’s different.”
Faith bit her bottom lip. He knew her too well. But wasn’t this why she’d asked him to walk with her? So they could reconnect? So she could tell him what was going on with her? It had seemed like a good idea at the time. But now, facing him, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to tell him anything. She had a sudden urge to run away and hide somewhere.
Which made no sense at all.
“Faith?”
Again, she blinked. “What?”
“What is it? Are you breaking up with me?”
Breaking up? That hadn’t entered her mind. She loved Seth. She loved his sense of humor, his good looks, the way he treated her. He was a nice person, a good person. They’d been together for months and months. They had history. But there she stood, rolling it over in her mind. A heaviness descended on her chest. She cringed ever so slightly.
“Faith?” There was a note of panic in his voice.
“No. No.” She shook her head. “That’s not why I wanted to walk.”
“Then what is it? Is it your birth mom?” He gripped her hand more tightly. “Is that what’s bothering you?”
“We’ve been writing to each other.”
He gaped at her. “You mean through that Mae person?”
“No. I mean directly.”
“Since when?”
“A couple weeks now.”
The color drained from his face, and he dropped her hand and stepped back. “A couple weeks?”
She nodded.
“And you’re just now telling me?”
Faith blanched. A shiver passed through her. “It was all so new. And I didn’t know if… Well, I didn’t know how it was all going to play out. And I, well, I…” Her words faded away as she heard how lame she sounded.
Why hadn’t she told Seth? He’d been so supportive through her search. He cared. Why hadn’t she told him?
“I’m sorry,” she uttered.
He didn’t move. He only stared at her.
“Who else knows?” he finally asked.
“Mom. Dad.” Faith took a deep breath. “Cassie.”
His jaw tensed, and he nodded slowly. “I see.”
“I’m sorry, Seth. But I’m telling you now. I wanted to walk with you and tell you everything.”
He looked off over her shoulder as if studying the formation of the trees. She knew that he was digesting the information. She waited, watching him.
“All right,” he said. He took her hand again, but his grip was looser, more casual. They began to walk. “Tell me now.”
Faith’s eyes filled with tears as she told him about the letters that were flying back and forth. Did he know that it only took one day for a letter to arrive from Landover Creek? Her mother wrote her immediately upon receiving her letters, just like Faith wrote back right away, too. Faith forgot Seth�
�s irritation with her as she recounted all that Nancy had shared with her. When she finished, she took in a huge breath and waited for his reaction.
“Wow,” he said, his voice low. “Wow.”
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Faith asked, unable to keep still. “Isn’t it a miracle?”
“Yeah. It is.”
Faith squeezed his hand, but he didn’t squeeze hers back. She stopped. “You’re mad,” she stated.
He looked down at his feet and scraped them over a few loose stones on the path. “No.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not.” He looked up at her then. “I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me all of this immediately.”
She had no answer. She sucked in her lower lip.
“I would have thought…” He paused. “If it were me, I would have told you.”
“Well, I’m not you!” she snapped and then covered her mouth with her hand. What was wrong with her?
“I’m sorry!” she cried. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”
Again, he dropped her hand. “Maybe we should go.”
She nodded mutely and turned back down the path. She walked ahead of him, and he made no effort to catch up. Considering how much longer his legs were than hers, it could only mean one thing. He didn’t want to walk beside her.
Her chest tightened. She’d hurt him. He wasn’t angry. He was hurt.
She stopped close to his car and turned around. “Seth?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry.” She reached out her hand to him. He looked at her outstretched fingers and after a moment’s hesitation, took her hand.
“I know.”
Tears filled her eyes once again. “I’ve been a mess lately,” she said, her voice nearly a whisper. “I thought that writing her would make me feel better. But it doesn’t. It makes me feel worse.”
He stepped closer and looked down into her eyes. “Why?”
“I don’t know.” She sucked in a big breath and fell against his shoulder. “I don’t know, Seth.”
She started crying then, barely holding herself back from the huge gripping sobs that threatened to overwhelm her. She was in public. She couldn’t cry like that. She stifled her drowning emotions and cried quietly into his chest. His arms wound around her.
“I’m sorry,” he said, pressing his cheek on the top of her head. “I’m sorry you feel so bad.”
She sniffled and gulped down her tears. She backed away and looked at him with blurry eyes. “Why don’t I feel better?” she asked. “Why?”
There was a desperation in her, a gnawing wave of hunger. She was shivering all over as if she were standing in a snow storm.
“Why?” she asked again, her voice trembling.
Seth shook his head. “I don’t know,” he murmured. He took her back in his arms and held her tightly. “I just don’t know.”
They stood like that, pressed together, neither speaking for a long time. The air grew chilly, and still they stood. Finally, Faith wriggled free of his hold.
“I am sorry. About not telling you.”
Seth shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. This isn’t about me.”
Faith blew out her breath. She did love him. She did.
“I love you,” he whispered, as if reading her thoughts.
“I love you, too.” She stood ever so still, looking at him.
“You want to meet her.” His words were quiet and held no doubt.
“Yes.”
“You feel like it’s not over until you do.”
“Yes.”
“Have you asked her again?”
Faith swallowed hard. She hadn’t dared. After she’d talked to Cassie, she’d been tempted. Oh, so tempted. But she couldn’t do it. Whatever her “rights” were, she couldn’t do it. She wouldn’t be cruel to her birth mother. She didn’t know the whole story. There was always more to every story…
“Have you?” Seth asked again.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“If she wanted to meet me, she would ask me to come.”
Seth sighed. “I suppose. But maybe not. Maybe, she’s waiting for you to make a move.”
“I did make a move!” Faith cried. “I went searching for her! I stuck my nose in where it didn’t belong! I wrote Old Mae!”
Seth studied her. “Yes. You did.” He fell silent.
Again, Faith was ashamed of her outburst. Would she never learn to control herself?
A cricket chirped to her right, and she heard the distinct call of a cardinal. She leaned against Seth’s car, feeling the cool metal through her thin T-shirt. “Do you really think I ought to ask again?”
Seth shrugged. “What can she say but no? I don’t think it would make her not write to you anymore. So what’s the harm?”
“But I’ll be bothering her.”
Seth put his hand on her shoulder. “Bothering her? You’re her daughter.”
“I am,” Faith said, hope again filling her. “I am, aren’t I?”
“You are.”
“All right.” Faith smiled, feeling lighter than she had in days. “I’ll write her tonight and ask again.”
Seth smiled. “You’ll let me know?” He paused. “This time?”
Faith frowned at his question. Hadn’t she already apologized? A feeling of pressure moved through her, threatening to squelch her tiny bit of hope. But why should she feel pressure just because Seth wanted to know what was happening? There was no reason. He was her boyfriend. Of course, she should tell him.
She put on a smile. “Yes. I’ll tell you.”
He nodded and went around the car to open the door for her. She got in, wishing she was already home. She wanted to be by herself. She wanted to write to her mother. Then she wanted to turn off the lights and curl up in a ball on her bed. She grimaced.
What an odd thing to want.
Chapter Seven
Nancy was doing better. She'd managed to get through the morning without distraction. She’d tended the baby, watched over the children, and done her housework. The only thing she hadn’t gotten to was baking an apple pie or two. The apples were ready and waiting on the counter to be peeled and cored. But she hadn’t gotten to it.
Perhaps, she and Debbie could tackle it that afternoon.
She squeezed the dust rag she held in her hand. She and Abel had come to a tremulous peace. They spoke to each other, albeit, no more than necessary. But at least they were speaking enough for the children to think all was well. Yet every night, in the darkness of their room, Abel lay carefully on his side of the bed with his back to her. When she tried to snuggle up next to him, he stiffened. After two attempts, she hadn’t tried again.
When she took a moment to think about it, it angered her. She’d been a child when all this had happened. Hadn’t he ever done anything wrong in his life? Had he been the perfect teenager? She wished she had known him during his rumspringa. Then she would know if he’d ever flouted the ordinance. She blanched. What was she thinking? Was she trying to get ammunition to use against her own husband?
She shuddered, realizing anew that she must not, could not think too deeply about any of this right then. Her mind went in directions she didn’t want it to go.
In directions that surely weren’t pleasing to the Lord.
“Mamm? I saw the mail truck go by. Can I go get the mail?” Debbie asked, running into the front room.
Nancy perked up. She’d been living for the mail every day. Usually, she went to fetch it herself, not wanting Abel to see Faith’s letters. They weren’t a secret, but Nancy saw no reason to remind him of their correspondence when it wasn’t necessary. But Debbie? She supposed it was all right for the girl to fetch the mail. Debbie wouldn’t be concerned about what letters they received.
“Jah, go on out to get it,” she said.
Debbie raced off, her bare feet flying over the wooden floor and out the door.
Miriam was asleep on Nancy’s shou
lder. She should get the baby to her crib. She’d be able to get a lot more work done. She gave a rueful smile. Her dusting would go much easier without having to balance the baby at the same time. Besides, it was nearly time for the noon meal, and the stew was smelling done. She should go give it a stir. She decided to put the baby down in the downstairs cradle. It would save her running up the stairs. She went to the cradle and eased the baby onto the mattress. Nancy held her breath, praying the little one would remain asleep.
“Mamm!”
Nancy whirled around to Debbie with her finger on her lips. “Shh!”
“You got one,” Debbie whispered with great exaggeration. “A letter.” She handed Nancy an envelope.
Nancy’s heart did an excited flip. It was from Faith. “Thank you. Now, go check on Gracie and Jimmy. Tell them it’s almost mealtime. I think Jeremy is out with your dat.”
“Okay,” Debbie said, still whispering loudly.
Nancy sank into the rocker next to the baby’s cradle. She slipped her finger beneath the envelope’s flap and opened it. Faith’s letter was short this time. Nancy’s eyes flew over the words, and her heart froze.
She dropped the letter as if it were on fire.
Please, will you reconsider? May I come and meet you? Please?
Nancy gulped, and her eyes stretched wide. She knew she shouldn’t be surprised. Faith had wanted to meet her for so long. How foolish Nancy had been to think that letters would satisfy her daughter. She winced. They didn’t even satisfy her, so why would they be enough for Faith?
Her breathing increased until she was almost panting. She grabbed up the letter and read the line over and over.
Why shouldn’t Faith meet her? Why?
Nancy’s eyes filled with tears. And why shouldn’t she meet Faith? She’d wanted this for nearly two decades. What was standing in her way?
Abel?
Her children?
The community?
God?
Nancy shook her head over and over. No, not God. Hadn’t God orchestrated all of this so that she and her daughter could connect? Didn’t God say that everything works for the good for those who love and obey him? And Nancy had obeyed. She had. She’d given her baby up because her parents had made her. And she’d lived in silence and obedience ever since.
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