She fingered it gently, running her thumb over the screen. She needed to make contact with her parents. Catch them up on things.
But she wasn’t in the mood to call her mom and dad. She wasn’t in the mood to hear the fear in their voices as she told them how much she liked it there. Or how much it meant to her to know her birth mother. She could play it down, she supposed. But that didn’t seem right, either.
It was Seth she wanted to talk to. It was Seth’s voice she wanted to hear, and she was glad. The last time they’d talked, she had felt strange speaking to him. But now, she wanted to talk to him, so maybe things could be normal again. At least with him.
She pushed his number and lay back on her pillow, staring up at the blank white ceiling.
“Faith? Is that you?”
“It’s me.”
“I’m so glad you called. Did you see the mountain of texts I’ve sent you?”
“No, I haven’t. I didn’t check, and my phone’s been off.”
“How are you?”
Faith closed her eyes. “I’m good, Seth. Really good.”
A fraction of a hesitation, then, “Glad to hear it. What’s been going on?”
“They made a special dinner for me today. And I met my grandma.”
“Your grandma?”
Faith opened her eyes again and chuckled quietly. “She’s something else.”
“What do you mean?”
“Harsh. Rigid. Scary.”
“No kidding? For some reason, I can’t imagine anyone Amish being scary.”
“Well, my grandma is. Meeting her helped me realize what Nancy faced nineteen years ago.”
Seth cleared his throat. “Yeah. Well, good, I guess.”
“It’s good.” Faith smiled into the phone. “Seth? I’m so happy to be here.”
“I know you are. How are you getting along with your new brothers and sisters?”
“I’ve spent the most time with my sisters and the baby. They’re so cute. I really like them. You wouldn’t believe how much work they do. If an Englisch kid was asked to do so much, we’d have a revolution on our hands.”
Seth laughed. “I bet you’re right at that.”
Faith grew silent and listened to Seth breathe. She missed him, which pleasantly surprised her. She hadn’t realized how much until she heard his voice.
“I miss you,” she whispered.
“Ah, Faith. I miss you, too.”
“Seth?”
“Yeah?”
“You won’t forget about me, will you?”
“Hardly. More likely that you’ll forget about me.”
She closed her eyes again and envisioned him holding her. Kissing her. She imagined his strong arms around her, his breath on her neck.
“Faith, when are you coming back?”
Her shoulders tensed. “I don’t know.”
“Next week maybe? And Faith, I think you can get back into your classes. You haven’t officially withdrawn, right?”
“I’m not going back to school. I already told you that.”
Silence.
Then he sighed. “Yes, you told me. What about your job?”
“I can get more time off. There are two receptionists, so it won’t be a problem.”
Another silence.
“Faith?”
“Yeah?”
“It sounds like you’re closing out your life here.”
Faith’s grip on the phone tightened. “It does, doesn’t it?”
“So, are you?”
“I don’t know.”
Faith held her breath, waiting for his response. It was true—she didn’t know. She only knew that she wasn’t ready to leave her birth mother yet. Or her brothers and sisters. Or the Amish.
She wasn’t close to being ready.
“Fair enough,” he responded. “Thanks for being honest, anyway.”
“I love you,” she said, feeling relieved that it was still true. At least, she wasn’t confused about that.
“Don’t wait too long to call me again,” he said.
“Okay,” she responded and hung up.
She looked at the screen and scrolled through all the text messages he had sent. Seventeen. They were short. Some of them funny. But the last ones grew a bit frantic as he kept asking her to respond. But she didn’t want to leave her phone on. And not just because the battery would run down. She just didn’t want it near her.
Instead of calling her folks, she wrote them a short email, telling them about her day. She tried not to sound too happy or too content. But when she reread her letter, she could hear her own excitement. Well, that was the way it was. She pushed send, and it whooshed through space.
Seven percent battery left. The icon was flapping at her, warning her of its imminent death. She supposed she could go out to her car and plug it in and leave her motor running for a bit. She grimaced. Now, wouldn’t that look fine to her family? Her sitting in a running car beneath their willow tree. No. She would think of an excuse to leave tomorrow and find the library or something. She could plug in there and recharge.
“Mamm came by,” Nancy told her husband. They were sitting on the edge of the bed. Abel was watching her brush out and braid her long hair.
“Did she?” He gave her a sympathetic look. “How did that go?”
“I’ve never seen Mamm so off. She was right upset. Tried to hide it, though. She was really giving Faith a good look over. But Faith was wonderful. She stood there, so straight and calm.” Nancy paused in her brushing. “She’s an amazing girl, Abel.”
Abel touched her shoulder. “Jah. She is.”
“Do you think she’ll want to stay with us?”
“Huh?” he asked. “What do you mean? She is staying with us.”
Nancy grew silent. Didn’t he understand what she meant? Nothing would make Nancy happier than Faith staying with them forever and ever.
Abel jumped off the bed and stared at her. “You mean live with us? Become Amish?”
“Why not?” Nancy said, reacting to his shock. “She’s half Amish, isn’t she? What would be so strange about it?”
Abel sat down again. He took the brush from her hand and laid it on the bed. “Nancy Hershberger. You ain’t thinking straight.”
Nancy recoiled. “Jah, I am. Faith loves it here. I can tell. She wants to stay.”
“The girl has grown up Englisch. She won’t be giving up all her modern ways. You’re being unreasonable to even think it.”
Hearing the words come from her husband’s lips was like being submerged in a bucket of ice. Nancy snatched her brush back up and raked it through the end of her braid with quick, strong strokes.
Abel caught her hand and held it still. “I ain’t trying to upset you. I just don’t want you dreaming about something that can never happen.”
Nancy’s eyes filled with tears. “But it can happen. It can. Look at the miracle we’ve already had. She found me. She’s here.”
“You can’t keep her,” Abel cautioned. “It wouldn’t be fair.”
Nancy bit back a sob. “It’s got nothing to do with being fair,” she choked out. “She wants to stay. I can see it in her.”
Abel shook his head. He put his hand over hers. Her breath caught in her throat.
“Can’t you just be happy with her being here now? Don’t spoil it by wishing for more in the future. Be grateful now.” His eyes were rimmed with moisture.
Nancy blinked back her own tears and looked at him in the dancing lamplight. She slowly nodded.
“Jah,” she muttered. “Jah. You’re right. Of course, you’re right. And I am grateful, Abel. I am.”
He put his arms around her, and she lay her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and breathed in his earthy smell. He tightened his hold on her, and she nestled more snugly against him.
“Abel?” she whispered.
“Jah?”
“Thank you.”
He leaned back, and she looked up into his eyes. They were filled with deep
longing. He kissed the pulsing hollow at the base of her throat and then his lips pressed against hers, gently covering her mouth.
It was church Sunday. Faith learned that the Amish held services every other Sunday. That morning, the service was to be held in the Gruber’s barn. Faith was excited to attend. She would be able to meet the rest of the community, and she would get to experience an Amish church service firsthand.
Faith had no idea how Nancy was going to introduce her. Perhaps as a family friend? But where would the explanation go beyond that? Folks would wonder how they had become friends. And Nancy’s mother would be there—her grandmother. Considering the strange encounter they’d already had, Faith couldn’t help but wonder what her welcome would be at the service.
Faith had brought a skirt with her. She was quite sure that jeans wouldn’t be appropriate. So, she donned the skirt, wishing it was a few inches longer. But still, it covered her knees, so she considered it conservative enough. She put on a light, yellow blouse, and opted for her slip-on shoes instead of flip-flops.
She joined the rest of the family in the wagon. The Hershbergers had a buggy, but with her along, it would have been too crowded.
“Sit here by me,” Debbie said from the back of the wagon, patting the wooden bench.
“Nee! By me!” Gracie said.
“How about I sit between you two?” Faith asked, hoisting herself into the bed of the wagon. Both Jeremy and Jimmy looked at her but said nothing.
Nancy was fidgeting. Faith could feel her nervousness, and it made her nerves jingle right along with Nancy’s. Faith realized that the children knew she was their sister. So, she supposed that being introduced as a family friend would never work anyway.
Abel kept his attention on the horse and the road. His face looked grim.
This wasn’t going to be the pleasant experience Faith had hoped for. Her very presence was going to be a big issue.
It didn’t take long to arrive at the Gruber’s farm. There was already a long line of buggies parked in the yard. A few wagons and carts were there, too. Abel pulled their wagon up to the back of the row.
“Tend the horse, Jeremy,” Abel said.
Everyone climbed down. Faith noticed that Abel stayed close to Nancy and didn’t leave her side until they approached the barn where long benches had been set up, dividing the men from the women. The children mostly sat next to their mothers. A group of girl teens sat together, looking quite subdued.
Faith spotted Nancy’s mother immediately. Her beady eyes widened in alarm when she entered the wide doorway. She stood and came over to Nancy before they got far inside.
“Daughter, are you crazy?” she hissed under her breath.
“Good morning, Mamm,” Nancy said, squaring her shoulders.
Esther’s eyes darted to Faith. Faith smiled at her, steeling herself for an attack. But it didn’t come. Esther blinked rapidly for a good five seconds and then drew a long breath.
“Hello, Faith,” she said.
Something between them shifted, and Faith relaxed. Her smile became genuine. “Good morning.”
Abel had gone to the male side of the barn, but he kept looking back at Nancy, his expression betraying his worry. Nancy moved forward, seating herself beside her children. She indicated the empty spot on her left side, motioning with her eyes for Faith to join her.
Faith could feel every eye in the place on her. She didn’t know when in her entire life a whole roomful of people had stared at her with such intensity. She worked to maintain a pleasant expression. Esther had gone back to her spot. She sat in front of them, her back erect, her every muscle appeared to have hardened into cement.
Faith pulled her skirt further down over her knees. It was going to be a long service.
Nancy felt the eyes. She nodded and smiled to a few friends who caught her attention, and then she focused carefully on the front of the barn. She was beyond grateful that Abel had already gone to the bishop and the preachers so that they knew who Faith was. She didn’t know if she could face their questioning faces throughout the service.
She put her hand on Faith’s arm and pressed it gently before clasping her own hands again in her lap. She thought she’d detected a trembling in Faith, but who could blame the girl? She was on total display. Nancy would have to introduce her and explain her presence. She knew that. But it wouldn’t have to happen for another three or so hours.
But would she be any more ready then?
She glanced to the men’s side of the room. This didn’t just affect her and Faith. This affected Abel. And her children. She realized that her eagerness to have Faith with them was about to change everything. Everything. It didn’t bear thinking about.
She prayed that her friends and neighbors would be generous and merciful.
The service began.
Chapter Five
Faith’s back was killing her. How in the world did these people sit for so long with so little movement and no backs to their chairs? The bench had become a concrete block beneath her. She hadn’t realized that there would be two sermons. When the first one wound down, she was so relieved that she nearly jumped from the bench in joy. But when the second sermon started, she felt that she was in a torture chamber. She couldn’t understand a word that was said. She couldn’t even sing the songs, slow and dirge-like as they were. She tried, stumbling along with the German words, until she gave up.
Even Gracie sat with better attention and dignity than she did. It took her full concentration and discipline not to slouch or fidget or sigh out loud.
When the last prayer was given and people started to move, Faith’s muscles were so stiff she thought she might fall directly to the floor.
“You made it,” Nancy whispered in her ear.
Faith shook her head and looked at her mother. “How do you do it?” she whispered back.
“I’m used to it. And I understand what’s being said.” Nancy gave her a tender look. “You did well.”
Faith rolled her eyes. “Not really,” she admitted.
“Now, we get the noon meal ready,” Nancy said. “The men will bring in the tables and move the benches around. The women get the food. Come.”
Faith followed her out of the barn and into the Gruber’s house. She heard the commotion from the kitchen even before they entered. Women were bustling around like banty hens, slicing, arranging, pouring, directing. When Nancy and Faith stepped over the threshold, they stopped. Faith’s face went hot.
“Hello,” she said, her voice tremulous.
Esther came forward and stood by her. Faith gave her a grateful glance.
“I want to introduce Faith,” Esther said, her tone steady and strong.
Nancy reached out and touched her mother’s arm. “Nee, Mamm. Let me.”
Esther closed her mouth, although she looked annoyed.
“This is my daughter, Faith,” Nancy said.
Everyone went bug-eyed.
“She’s staying with us for a while.”
Silence. Complete and total silence. A shiver went up Faith’s spine. They stood as if in a frozen portrait. Faith imagined showing the photo to her friends. And this is when my birth mother introduced me. This is when everyone went as silent as marbles in a jar.
Nancy shuddered beside her. Faith didn’t move.
And then a woman scurried across the kitchen taking Faith’s hand. “Welcome, child. I’m Harmony Gruber. We’re right glad to have you today.”
And then, as if everyone breathed at once, the welcomes came her way. Faith smiled and nodded at each woman. Then Esther cleared her throat. “We better get this food on, or the men and the kinner are going to be mighty fussy.”
There were a few nervous chuckles as all the women turned back to the task at hand. A stranger looking on might have thought all was well. But Faith felt the undercurrent. The hundreds of questions. The judging looks, directed mainly at her, not at Nancy. Faith forced herself to walk further into the kitchen. She took a loaf of bread sitting i
n its plastic bag on the table. With shaking fingers, she undid the knot and laid out the bread on a waiting tray.
Tears filled her throat as she marveled at her own stupidity. What had she thought was going to happen? That everyone would rush up to greet her and fawn over her and welcome her into the fold?
She was an illegitimate child in their eyes. A product of sin. Her mother’s shame.
And that was how she felt right then. She looked over to see Nancy coming to stand with her. Nancy didn’t meet her eye. Instead, she just quietly went to work, helping Faith ready the bread. When that was finished, Nancy opened a jar of pickles, and they set about placing them in shallow bowls.
There was not enough room at the tables for everyone to eat at once, so they ate in shifts. Faith didn’t feel very hungry, but when her turn came, she slipped onto the bench and attempted to eat her cold-cut sandwich. She got half of it down. She bit into a crunchy pickle, noting that it was the best pickle she’d ever eaten, even though she wasn’t that fond of them.
But she couldn’t stomach any more food. Her insides felt as if they’d twisted in on themselves, making another bite impossible. She stood and began clearing the plates.
On her way to the kitchen with an armload of dishes, she passed a group of young men, maybe in their late teens or early twenties, standing near a rose arbor. One of the young men caught her eye, and her heart jolted. She recognized him, but she couldn’t place from where. All she knew was that her heart had reacted to him in that same way once before.
She nearly stumbled, dropping the dishes, but she caught herself in time. His eyes were the deepest blue she’d ever seen, and they looked right into her. He was tall, taller than the rest of the guys. His plain Amish shirt stretched over his strong shoulders and slender torso.
Where had she seen him before? Where?
She continued on to the house, climbing the front steps, and going inside to the kitchen. Harmony Gruber was there, along with two other women.
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