3 Sides to a Circle

by Janna Watts

  I can’t believe I’ve actually said that out loud. It’s probably fake drug-induced bravado, but I stop myself from taking it back. Instead I leave it in the long stretch of space between us.

  Libby blinks at me, then leans over and kisses my cheek. “Not tonight, it isn’t,” she whispers.

  My hands want to pull her into me. To feel something real. To experience an emotion beyond fear and paranoia. But before I can do anything, say anything, or talk her into anything, she’s bounced back and grabbed Othello from the pile of games.

  “It’s impossible to cheat with this one,” she announces. “Unless you forget if you’re black or white.”

  “Okay then. Set it up.”

  She grins and her gaze dances around my still-swollen face. “You’re going to be okay. You had us worried. You had me worried. I shouldn’t have made you leave me that night. But I’m pretty sure you’re going to be okay.”

  This is the only way she knows how to acknowledge guilt. I can see it in her face. She’s telling me I’m going to be okay because she needs that from me. And as she opens up the box and begins to set up the board, I close my eyes for a minute and say a silent prayer that I can give it to her.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Honor

  I shut the door to the bathroom in Sawyer’s family’s house and pull in a deep breath of air. I like Sawyer, no doubt. Really like him. But his family… It just seems like a little much for a guy I haven’t known all that long.

  Instead of actually using the bathroom, I lean against the wall and wish we were back in the car. He’s easy to talk to and seems ridiculously without flaws—except for begging me to come inside. Everything before his driveway was great.

  “Honey, you really shouldn’t have dragged her in here,” his mom whispers, and I strain to hear.

  “I…” But I don’t know if he fades out or gets too quiet for me to hear.

  “You’re going to scare the poor girl away.” She laughs a little at the end, kind of a soft, melodic sound that’s so motherly.

  “I just thought it would be nice for you to meet someone I met, Mom. That’s it.” Sawyer’s quiet, but defensive.

  “You can just be intense without meaning to,” she whispers back.

  I decide to ignore them by turning on the faucet and splashing my face with water.

  When I step out of the bathroom, a painting at the bedroom end of the hallway catches my attention. It’s definitely Sawyer’s work, but it’s of himself. I walk toward it, wanting a closer look.

  “Oh, no.” Sawyer chuckles behind me. “Not that one.”

  “You’re the one who asked me in, now you have to pay the consequences.” I glance over my shoulder, and my breath hitches a little at his smile.

  “Fair enough.” He stops behind me so close that the warmth of him spreads goose bumps across my skin.

  “When did you do this?” I ask as I purposefully don’t look at him. The painting is simple and not his usual modern style. It reminds me a bit of Van Gogh’s self-portrait.

  “Senior year of high school. Mom loves it.” And I can tell by his voice that he does not.

  “I need to get going.” I turn around and let myself bump into him. My shoulder against his shoulder.

  “I’ll walk you out.” He leans close enough that he could kiss me on the cheek but doesn’t. My whole body goes a little weak at how close we are.

  I give his mom a friendly wave, and I think she says something about me being welcome anytime, but the energy between Sawyer and me has sort of taken over.

  When we get to my car, instead of jumping in the driver’s seat like I probably would have done at the beginning of this year, I lean against the door to face him.

  “I should go.” I grab the handle.

  “No. Wait.” He takes my hand off the handle and stares at the way our fingers come together. “I’m sorry. I suddenly feel like I forced you here.”

  My heart’s hammering hard again and the energy from the hallway has carried outside. “No.”

  “I hope I didn’t overwhelm you with this.” He glances back toward his house. “I can apparently be a little too intense.”

  “It’s fine. Really.” And now that we’re back outside, it is fine. I like his intensity when it’s just the two of us. Or, at least I’m getting used to it.

  “I really want to kiss you.” His breath hits my face.

  I start to answer, but his lips are on mine, soft and smooth.

  Just as his body presses into me and I think he might deepen our kiss, he pulls away and a truck screeches to a halt in the driveway.

  “My dad.” He cringes. “If you don’t want to be teased, jump in and run.”

  “Won’t that be rude?” I really want to. Really, really want to.

  “Sawyer! Who’s the poor girl you have fooled this time?” A man who is like an older version of Sawyer, only broader and rougher around the edges, steps our way. A hardhat rests under his arm and his plaid shirtsleeves are rolled up, even though it’s cold.

  “My dad, Sawyer the first.” Sawyer nods toward his father. “He runs a construction company. The houses, remember?”

  I nod to show I do, but I never know what to say to new people.

  “Honor.” I hold out my hand.

  “It’s an honor to meet you too.” His dad winks.

  I’m not sure if he’s teasing or not, so I go for safe. “No, I’m…um…”

  “I guessed who you were the minute I saw you.” Sawyer Sr. winks again as he chomps on his gum. “I think ‘unearthly beautiful’ were the words my son used.”

  My cheeks flame despite it being the absolute last thing I want to happen. It’s sort of an overwhelming compliment, though part of me wishes he would have said something about the girl he met who’s really into math or design or gets his paintings. “I really need to get back on the road.”

  “Pleased to meet you, Honor.” He turns and heads for the house.

  My Sawyer is cringing. “Sorry this was so…”

  “It’s fine.” I shake my head and pull open my door. “I’m going now.”

  “See you Sunday?” he asks. “For my ride back to campus?”

  “Sunday.”

  “Hey, Honor?” My heart stops a little at the rawness of emotion on his face.

  “Yeah.”

  “I like you. A lot… And now I’m sure I’ve just gone way past intense.” His hand rests on my cheek as he steps closer.

  He did go way past intense, and I’m freaking out a little, but I do like him. And Libby checked him out. I give him a quick kiss on the corner of his mouth before stepping away. “I like you too. See you Sunday.”

  I jump in the car before anything else can happen between us, because I love being around him, but whatever we’re starting also still scares me a little for its realness.

  As I start the drive to home, I miss having someone in the car with me. Maybe I should have invited Libby along, but me, Libby, and Sawyer would never be like me, Toby, and Libby, so it probably would have just felt awkward, and I can’t imagine making the trip with all four—though right now, I’m really missing Libby and Toby, and sort of wonder how many of the games they’ll get through without me.

  After several more hours of driving, I pull onto the military base and to the house we’ve lived in for the past year. Mom bursts out the front door, and I’m immediately glad I came. There’s more relief than I thought possible knowing all that Mom will want to talk about is Dad and modeling. No Toby’s beat-up face as an awful reminder, or Libby’s schemes, or Sawyer’s family. Just Mom and me and hopefully simple.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Toby

  I didn’t think it would be weird to be here with Libby and without Honor, but with the whole bed-sharing thing, it is weird. I don’t want to sleep farther away from Libby, but feel like I have to without Honor as a buffer, even though I sleep between them normally.

  Our game night was good, but Libby disappeared for hours today, and I don’t
think she would have done that if Honor were here. Maybe I shouldn’t have made that stupid remark about the pity sex being an option. Maybe none of that matters.

  I trudge through the snow to the library to get some help in my Business 101 class. I haven’t been to the library since the accident, beating, whatever, but I can’t keep putting it off. Each step in my boots hurts more than I figured it would, and maybe I should have taken the advice of the school and withdrawn this semester. It’s just too much money in student loans and housing to give up without completing credits. I have a D in my business class, which seems pathetic since it’s an entry-level class that’s supposed to be for my major.

  “Toby,” Elise or Elsbeth or Elsie or something calls to me. Her eyes go wide, and so do the eyes of everyone else in the study room. She’s tried to talk with me a few times. Her and another girl in class, but it seems like after my business class is when I meet Honor and Libby for coffee, so I don’t know any of these people as well as I should.

  I wave my hand between us. “It all looks worse now than it really is. Let’s get started. I really need to catch up.”

  Backpacks are opened and notebooks set on the table, and when I sit down I gasp as the pain slices into my side and everyone freezes again. Just over a week and it hurts like it was yesterday.

  “I heard they thought you were gay,” one of the guys says.

  “Well, I’m not,” I snap. “Can we please not talk about this?” Part of me wonders if I’d have had the guts to stop this conversation before meeting Libby.

  “And you’re friends with Libby, right?” The guy next to me wags his brows, Dylan, I think, and anger flashes so fast that I can feel my arm tensing up wanting to… What? What exactly do I think I’d actually do?

  “Yes. I’m friends with Libby. Does someone have notes from last week? I missed the whole week.”

  Finally someone slides a set of photocopied notes over to me.

  “Thank you.”

  Dylan shifts in his seat like he’s going to ask me about her again, but I don’t have answers for him. I do know that I wouldn’t know how to deal if Libby took up with a guy the way it looks like Honor’s taking up with Sawyer.

  My gut turns over at the thought of it, and the study session begins, only I’m staring at the photocopied notes, wondering how different and perfectly awful my freshman year would be without the two girls. And suddenly my safe haven of the library feels a bit stifling and uncomfortable.

  “Toby!” A man calls from behind me on the newly shoveled sidewalk, and instead of slowing, my immediate instinct is to run.

  I’m so completely messed in the head. He calls my name again before I slow down.

  “Dr. Simms.” I’m baffled as to what he might want from me, but I stand still and wait for him to catch up.

  He adjusts his wire-framed glasses a few times and pats down his thinning gray hair. “I just finished your report on Chaucer.”

  “Oh?” Would he stop me if he hated it? Thought I stole it?

  “I was most impressed.”

  “Oh.” I’m stunned he’d take the time to say anything.

  “Have you thought about writing for the paper?”

  “At the school?” I’m an idiot. Of course he means the school paper.

  “I’m the faculty advisor on staff at the paper, and I’d love to have you come aboard in any capacity. You’re a freshman, so I can’t promise you anything glamorous, but it’s always nice to have a few extra things to pad the resume for when you graduate.”

  I stare at him for a moment longer, a bit unsure as to what I should say.

  “Well, think on it. You don’t have to let me know right this minute, but you have a real talent. It would be a waste if you didn’t do something with it—even if you are headed into business instead of literature or journalism.”

  “Thank you.” I’m searching for something better to say. More eloquent, but nothing comes.

  Dr. Simms gives me one last half-nod before continuing on his way.

  Write for the paper? It seems like kind of a trivial thing for someone after a business degree, but could I?

  I go directly back to the room and Honor’s there. A strange relief washes over me when I see Libby weaving braids into her hair, chatting with a natural ease. We’re good. They’re good. And now I can slide between them at night and feel okay, and not spend more time than I should wondering what it would be like to kiss Libby. Wondering if Honor is going to leave us. Wondering if I’m going to lose them both.

  “You went out?” Libby asks when I drop my book bag on the floor.

  “Yeah. Library. Study group for business class.”

  She shakes her head. “I’m not sure why you don’t drop that class. Or at least take it pass-fail.”

  “It’s my major. I can’t take pass-fail for a core class in my major.”

  Libby rolls her eyes. “Don’t be stupid. You’re not a business guy. Come on.”

  “Libby…” I start and gear myself up for this conversation. It’s one we’ve had before. “If I get a business degree…”

  But her hand is up and flapping. “No. No. No. Honor just got back. I’m not getting into this. It’s not my problem if you’re pissing away the best time of your life with classes you hate instead of anything you care about. I should butt out. I get it. Now come here and let’s pick out a movie.”

  Honor shakes her head and smiles at me. “Don’t listen to her. It’s your life and your choice.”

  Her barb is slightly pointed, but Libby doesn’t even seem to notice. She’s up and pulling out her laptop to offer movie options. “How about Threesome? It’s this 90’s movie about two guys and a girl in college who all get it on.”

  “No,” Honor and I say at the same time.

  Libby laughs. “Oh my God, don’t even…two guys and a girl. It’s nothing like us. I’m pretty sure there’s even dude sex in it.”

  “Yeah, so I’m not into that…” I start. “I mean, it’s fine and I don’t care, but that’s not really a big selling point for me.”

  Libby shakes her head. “All guys are the same. Give them the girl-girl option and they’re all ‘fuck yeah, par-tay’ but throw in dude-on-dude sex, and they get all ‘I’m not interested in seeing that.’ What even is that? Dude sex is hot. At least as hot as girl-on-girl.”

  I’m blushing. I don’t want to be, but Libby in a girl-girl option with Honor keeps flashing in my brain. “Girl-girl stuff is hotter. Because girls are…softer.”

  I just said that. And my face has gone from slightly flushed to burning red. Libby’s lack of editing has now overtaken me. Honor won’t even look at me. She’s playing with her phone and the blotchy thing is happening on her neck again. My humiliation is complete. I might as well give them my masturbation schedule and fantasy list.

  Libby giggles. “Girls are softer. But that doesn’t make dude sex less hot. You’re just freaked out because you don’t want people getting near your ass. It’s sort of too bad though. You do have a really good ass. I bet a bunch of dudes have checked it out.”

  Honor coughs. “Okay. Enough. Libby. We’re not seeing Threesome. How about Animal House or Pitch Perfect or something else if you want to do a college movie?”

  “Ooh, Animal House…I haven’t seen that in forever. There’s that cougar scene in it where the guy seduces the chancellor’s wife. I’m totally going to be a cougar one day, collecting eighteen-year-old boys and inviting them over to mow my lawn without a shirt on.”

  I bark out a laugh. “Yeah. I actually see that.”

  Honor grins. “Me too. Poor boys.”

  Libby huffs and flops in between us. “Lucky boys.”

  And this time I stop myself from saying, “Yeah. Lucky.”

  Watching a movie with Libby is as interesting as everything else with her. She can’t shut up. Even if she’s seen the movie. Even if she knows what’s going to happen. She chats nonstop about what she thinks might happen or what just happened or about nothing of releva
nce at all. Halfway through her rant on fat comedians dying too early, Honor’s phone buzzes in a text and her smile is as wide as the room when she checks it. Sawyer. Already that guy is squirming in, and I don’t like it, but I have no idea what to do about it. And I wouldn’t want to take him away from Honor, but it doesn’t mean I can’t wish that she wasn’t pulling him in.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Honor

  “Hmmm.” Libby scratches her head while flipping through the clothes hung on the makeshift bunk beds. “You keep saying you’re supposed to be simple, right?”

  “Yep.” I sit cross-legged on the bed, and Toby’s very pointedly staring at his book. Probably girl-talk on what to wear to my audition isn’t high on his list of stuff he’d like to be doing. No matter what, being home and with them again makes it feel like the world’s been righted. That, and feeling like Sawyer and I are actually moving forward after another few hours in my car together.

  “I really am fine to be in my own room again.” Toby shifts carefully as he leans against the pillows shoved against the wall.

  “No way.” Libby shakes her head. “You’re stuck until you can move right, and you’re not moving anything like normal.”

  Libby’s eyes flash back to my clothes. “I still say a dress instead of jeans.” She pulls off a simple black dress and hands it to me.

  “Fine.” I grab the dress from her and move toward the bathroom, only its locked. I knock. “Hello?”

  “I’m gonna be a few!” One of the girls from next door calls back.

  “Whatever.” I hang the dress back up. “I’ll try it on for you to see later. It’s not for a few more days.”

  “Just change here. Toby doesn’t mind. And it’ll be good for you. Practice, you know?” She smirks.

  Toby’s knees come up, bringing his book over his face. “Go ahead. I won’t watch.”

  “Well. That’s part of the point, Toby.” Libby sighs, exasperated. “She needs to know what it’ll feel like to have eyes on her.”