Against the Wall

by Alexa Land

  I’d slip out of bed and sneak out as quietly as possible so I didn’t disturb my roommate. Shea was always awake when I’d let myself into his darkened cabin, maybe because the clicking of his door woke him. He’d pull me into his arms and we’d make love wildly, desperately, until both of us were spent.

  After that, we’d hold each other and talk quietly late into the night. He’d started carrying a sketchpad on his shore excursions, and would show me the drawings he’d made each day. Gradually, he was gaining confidence in his ability. I really hoped he’d take the little boost I’d given him and run with it.

  Eventually lust would distract us again, and we’d join hands and head out into the ship, which was very still at three or four a.m. That made it easier to find out-of-the-way little nooks and alcoves where I could fuck him hard and fast, both of us so incredibly turned on by the risk of getting caught. We had a couple close calls, but we got away with it.

  On the second-to-last night of the cruise, after I’d walked him back to his cabin and was kissing him goodnight, Shea asked, “Will you please be my date for my cousin’s wedding tomorrow?”

  “Sure.” I’d pressed him against the wall right beside his door, my fingers laced with his.

  “Really?” I kissed his neck before nodding. When I released his hands, he hugged me tightly and asked, “What’s going to happen when we get home, Christian?”

  “What do you mean?” I buried my face in the groove between his neck and shoulder, trying to muster the will to say goodnight and go to bed.

  “I know we said this was just going to be a casual thing and that we’d take it day by day, but this really doesn’t feel casual. It feels like we both want a lot more,” Shea said softly. I couldn’t even reply to that with the sudden lump in my throat.

  He hugged me and added, “I know you’ve been trying to stay away from me, but it never works. You come to me every night, and when we’re together, it feels like you can’t get enough of me. You know what? I can’t get enough of you, either. So what’s going to happen when the cruise ends and I’m not a next door booty call?”

  I pulled back to look at him. “That’s not what you are to me, Shea. You’re so much more.”

  “So what do we do when we get back to San Francisco? Do we date? This already feels like more than dating, even though I know you’re trying not to get attached.”

  “I’m trying so hard. I’m going away in June, you know that. I always knew it’d be difficult to walk away from you, but it’s actually going to be so much worse than I realized. You’re going to get hurt so bad.” I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes, adding silently, I am, too.

  “Bring it on.”

  “Damn it, Shea. This wasn’t supposed to happen.”

  “But it is happening.” His hands caressing my back were as gentle as his voice.

  *****

  Several hours later, after a final day of island adventures, I went upstairs to the cocktail party that was happening before Hunter and Brian’s wedding. I could always spot Shea the moment I entered a room, as if he put out a homing beacon. He sat at the bar with his cousin Jamie and Jamie’s husband Dmitri, who I’d seen very little of on this cruise.

  Shea was dressed in another pair of crisp khakis and a royal blue button-down shirt that hugged his body perfectly. He must understand what that color did for him, the way it brought out his eyes and complemented his flawless skin. Not that he needed any help to look stunning, but still.

  Once again, his face lit up when he saw me. He got up and gave me a hug, then remained standing with his arm around my shoulders since there was only one empty barstool. “Hey guys,” I said to Jamie and Dmitri. “Have you been enjoying your cruise?”

  “We totally have,” said Jamie, a cute surfer with sun-streaked hair and an engaging smile. “It’s the first time we’ve managed to take a vacation since we started running the bar and grill.”

  “We almost forgot what it’s like to have down-time,” Dmitri added. He was an interesting contrast to his laid-back husband, an elegant and sophisticated Russian-American with black hair and blue eyes. I always liked seeing these two together. Despite seeming so different, they actually were two halves of a whole.

  “Goes to show that we really could get away more often,” Jamie said. “Our staff has everything under control.”

  “You two should sneak off for a month, while you still can,” Shea told them. To me he said, “They’re expecting their first child. The baby is due at the end of summer, and after that, forget about romantic getaways.”

  “Wow, congratulations,” I said. They both looked so happy.

  We ordered drinks, and soon the couple was whisked away by another cousin. I sat down on one of the vacated barstools and picked up Shea’s hand. “Are they using a surrogate?” I asked, and Shea nodded. “Which one’s the father?”

  “They don’t know, it could be either one. They both, um, contributed to the sample.”

  “Ah.”

  “Do you ever think about having kids, Christian?”

  I was surprised at the sharp pang of regret that shot through me at that question. It was something I hadn’t really thought about, but my reaction told me a lot. I kept my expression neutral as I said, “That, um...that’s not in the cards for me.” I finished my drink and signaled to the bartender for another before deflecting the question back to Shea. “What about you? Do you want kids someday?”

  “I don’t know. I mean, I love kids, but I can’t quite imagine having one of my own.”

  I nodded at that and focused my attention on my drink. Damn, I was kind of a mess tonight. All my emotions were right at the surface. It probably didn’t help that I’d been averaging three or four hours of sleep a night for the last few days.

  Soon Nana arrived on the scene, bursting into the lounge and exclaiming, “Look alive, people! We’re going to be heading out in groups of twenty-five or so. Hunter and Brian are already there, so let’s get a move on! This group over here, follow me.” She gestured to some people near the door, then spun around, her sparkly pink party dress rustling as she departed.

  “I thought the wedding was going to take place on the ship,” Shea said.

  “Me too.”

  Bit by bit, the entire wedding party was ushered downstairs. When our turn came, we went out onto the dock and boarded a big motorboat, which ferried us into the harbor. “Holy crap, is that our destination?” Shea asked, pointing at an enormous yacht up ahead.

  “I guess so. Wow. Nana really doesn’t know how to do anything halfway.”

  “No kidding.”

  The motorboat came up alongside the much larger vessel and a few crew members tied it off. Our group then climbed one by one up a wide ladder onto the deck. The yacht was dazzling, all burnished wood and shiny brass, opulent and elegant.

  I spotted Chance and the grooms near the front of the boat, taking photos with the island in the background. Their surroundings were breathtaking, but Hunter and Brian seemed oblivious to everything but each other. As they embraced, the thin blond reached up to gently caress his fiancé’s cheek and Brian bent to kiss him sweetly. They’d both had rough lives before they found each other, but they seemed so strong together, ready to face whatever the future held as a team. I thought there was really something special about those two.

  Their wedding ceremony was held on the top deck of the yacht at sunset. Skye and Dare were in the last group to board, and they sat with us. Brian’s brother Kieran and Hunter’s friend Christopher were the best men. Nana sat in the front row, beaming at the couple, and Chance circled at a distance, snapping photos. The grooms were dressed casually, Hunter all in black, his fiancé in a white button-down shirt and black pants. Brian was standing without a cane, so I assumed he’d finally become comfortable with his prostheses. From what I’d heard, he’d been working hard in physical therapy to get to that point.

  The couple pledged their love and their commitment to one another, their vows simple
and heartfelt. Toward the end of the ceremony, the wedding official, an elegant woman of about fifty with short grey hair, had everyone stand. I was already holding Shea’s hand to my right, and I picked up Skye’s hand to my left. The official said, “Hunter and Brian consider all of you family, regardless of whether you’re related by blood. Offer them your support and encouragement. Stand by them. Celebrate with them and always remind them of the love and friendship that surrounds them. Will you do this?”

  As one, the audience said, “We will.”

  “Hunter Jacobs and Brian Nolan, you are now married. You may kiss your husband.”

  Their kiss was so tender. Then they just stared at each other in absolute wonder as the crowd cheered and applauded. I saw Brian mouth the words, “Thank you,” to his husband, and Hunter grabbed him in a tight embrace. I’d already been emotional throughout the ceremony, and I really had to fight back tears at that one.

  Shea slipped his arms around my shoulders and drew me to him, my back against his chest. Even without seeing my face, he somehow just knew when I needed a hug. I kissed his hand, then held on to it as the couple joined hands and walked back down the aisle together and music filled the air.

  *****

  The ceremony was followed by a lavish sit-down dinner and cake, then a wild party. Wedding guests with young kids left around nine, the motorboat piloting them back to the cruise ship, but everyone else stayed and partied. Nana had hired a local rock band, and the interior of the yacht was transformed into a night club. We were supposed to return to the cruise ship by midnight, but that never happened. Instead, the yacht just sailed alongside the ship as it left the dock and headed for its final port. The party went on until morning.

  After celebrating most of the night with his family and the happy couple, Shea and I found a quiet little nook on the main deck and curled up together on a lounge chair. There was a wool blanket on the back of it, and Shea covered both of us as I nestled in his arms.

  “Will you come to dinner at my house tomorrow night?” he asked after a while.

  “I can’t. I have to go see my dad.”

  “Does he live in San Francisco?”

  “Marin. He’s a shut-in. I made sure he had everything he needed before I left, but I still want to check on him. I called him a few times over the past week and he kept insisting he was fine, but he sounded a bit down.”

  “I hope he’s okay.”

  “Me too.” I brushed his hair back from his forehead as I asked, “What are your parents like?”

  Shea sighed and told me, “They’re two extremely unhappy people. They make each other miserable but won’t get a divorce because they’re devout Catholics.”

  “Have you come out to them?”

  “I came out to the rest of my family last year, so my parents know. I didn’t discuss it with them directly though, because I knew exactly how it’d go. Three of my cousins have come out in the last couple years and my parents went ballistic. They shunned not only Jamie, Kieran and Brian, but also everyone in the family who didn’t immediately condemn them for being gay. For the most part, I’ve been pleasantly surprised by my extended family. A lot of people like my Uncle Ray, Jamie’s dad, really rose to the occasion. But my parents have made no effort to contact me since I came out, and that pretty much tells me all I need to know.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “I came to terms with it a long time ago. I always knew I wasn’t going to live my life in the closet, and I also knew for a fact they’d disown me when I came out.” There was both sadness and resignation in his eyes as he said that. Then he steered the subject away from himself by asking, “What about your mom, what’s she like?”

  I considered the question, then told him, “Beautiful. Sadly, that’s almost all I can say about her.”

  “How come?”

  “She seemed to think her looks would be enough to carry her through life, so she never tried for anything more. She was a model when she was younger and when that dried up, she latched on to guy after guy because she never learned how to make it on her own. Somehow she ended up with my stepdad, a recovering alcoholic who can’t hold a job. Between the two of them, they have fewer life skills than the average high school freshman.”

  “Ah.”

  “My stepdad’s not my favorite person,” I said. “Before he got sober a year ago, he was a mean drunk. And yet, my mom stayed with him. She let me grow up in that environment, until I finally got old enough to realize I had alternatives and went to live with my dad at fifteen.”

  “Wow, I’m so sorry.”

  I tried to shrug it off. “It’s okay, it was a long time ago. I don’t have a lot to do with them now, even though he’s on a mission to make amends and they keep trying to involve themselves in my life. I guess that’s part of his recovery program or something, but to me it’s just too little, too late. I needed him to sober up when I was five, not twenty-two.” I sighed and said, “Maybe I’m being a dick. I know that when someone holds out an olive branch, you’re not supposed to slap it away.”

  “I can see why you’d be upset with both of them, though.”

  “I really am trying to get past all this anger. It’s such a pointless emotion. But every time I see him, I just want to yell in his face.”

  “So, maybe you just need to give it some time.”

  “That’s the one thing I don’t have,” I murmured.

  “Where are you going, Christian?” I closed my eyes and held onto Shea a little tighter. He’d asked me before, more than once, but I never answered. I didn’t this time, either. He added, “Wherever it is, we can still see each other. Long distance relationships are difficult, but not impossible. I’ll do whatever it takes to make this work.”

  “That’s not an option.”

  “I don’t understand,” he said quietly. “I think you want this as much as I do, so it’s really confusing.”

  I did. I wanted this so much. For the first time in my life, I could imagine building a real relationship. After I was raped, that felt impossible because my trust had been shattered. I thought it would always be like that. But Shea was amazing. He was everything I could want and I trusted him completely. When this ended, it was going to break me. I said quietly, “I don’t have a choice, Shea.”

  He tilted my chin up and kissed me tenderly. “If you say you don’t have a choice, I believe you. And if all you can give me is the next six months, I’m not going to turn that down. I won’t lie, it’s going to break my heart when you walk away from me. But I’d also be heartbroken to miss out on that time with you.”

  “I’m so sorry, Shea.”

  “Don’t apologize. Let’s just make the most of the time we have, okay?”

  I nodded and held on tight. So did he. I wished we could freeze the moment and stay like that forever.

  Chapter Twelve

  Chance was quiet on the return flight, staring out the window. I put my hand on his arm and said, “Hey. You okay?”

  There was so much sadness in his eyes when he turned to me. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

  “No you’re not. What’s wrong?”

  He sighed quietly and said, “It’s just hard to get back to reality after the best week of my life. I got to be someone else for a change. I got paid to take pictures, which was a dream come true, and go to fascinating places and do so much fun stuff. I actually bungee jumped! And I went out with a cute guy who believed I was a college student. He didn’t ask for my phone number, by the way. I knew he wouldn’t. It was fun while it lasted, though. All of it was amazing, the whole week. So how the fuck am I supposed to go back to being Chance Matthews after all of that?”

  I chose my words carefully, “Maybe this could be a turning point. Maybe you don’t have to go back to your old life. I don’t know what Nana paid you to photograph the weddings, but maybe there’s a way to use that money to make some changes.”

  “Nana was incredibly generous. The cruise itself would have been payment enough. I’m not going t
o use that money for myself though, as much as I’d love to invest in a new camera and some equipment. My mom and kid brother are really struggling. I help them out as much as I can, but they’re barely keeping a roof over their heads. This money is going to make a real difference in their lives.”

  I wondered if his mother had any idea of the sacrifices he was making for her, or what he had to do to help her out. I raised the armrest between us and put my arm around Chance’s shoulders, and he hugged me around my waist. We stayed like that most of the way back to San Francisco.

  *****

  My father was in a dark place, both literally and figuratively, when I went to see him that evening. I found him sitting in the den with the lights off, staring out the windows at absolutely nothing. It looked like he hadn’t showered or changed his clothes in a few days.

  My heart sank. He’d been so upbeat the last couple times I’d seen him, but this was the nature of his bipolar disorder. Those euphoric highs would always eventually swing back to this state of apathy.

  It took a lot of coaxing, but eventually I convinced him to go take a shower. While he was in the bathroom, I confiscated his dirty clothes and laid out clean ones for him, because he was liable to put the old ones on again. Then I went in the kitchen and unpacked the books and groceries I’d brought for him.

  I’d left him plenty of food, more than enough for the week I was gone, but it looked like most of it had gone untouched. He hadn’t let himself starve, he’d just eaten his comfort foods, the crackers and other zero-prep items that filled his pantry. I swapped out the spoiled produce for the fresh things I’d brought, then set about making dinner.

  I went to find him when the meal was ready. Zan was back on his couch, dressed in the button-down shirt and jeans I’d left out for him, his tangled hair dripping down his back. He hadn’t bothered to shave, but that was okay. “Come have some dinner,” I said.