Against the Wall

by Alexa Land

  “You’ve got the hang of it now,” Leo said. “Why not continue while Shea sleeps it off?”

  “I can’t, actually,” I admitted. “Shea was acting as my hands. The ships are too small for me to move around the board and I don’t have the dexterity to turn those cards over.”

  Leo asked, “Do you like playing?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So I’ll flip your cards and move your piece for you. No biggie.”

  “Alright. Thanks,” I said.

  We proceeded like this for the next hour, until Ridley and Cas decided they really needed to run to the corner convenience store for some Doritos. After they left, Leo got up and stretched, but I stayed where I was so I wouldn’t disturb Shea. He was snoring softly, his full lips slightly parted, and I was lightly caressing the silky hair at the back of his neck, beneath the edge of the cap.

  Leo watched me for a moment as he perched on the arm of his chair, then said, his voice quieter and lower than usual, “Let me ask you something. When Shea got so sick before Christmas and you looked after him in your apartment, did that feel like a burden?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I love Shea. It wasn’t a burden at all.”

  “From what I hear, he was pretty sick, though. He said he was so weak he couldn’t even get to the bathroom by himself. He also said he was puking his guts out. That must have been disgusting. Why didn’t you call his brother to come get him?”

  I knit my brows at him. “Why would I? Like I said, I love him and didn’t want to hand off the responsibility of caring for him.”

  “Why not?”

  “As long as he was with me, I knew he was getting cared for properly. I wanted to be able to keep an eye on him and make sure he had everything he needed. No one would have taken better care of him than I did.”

  “And yet you expect Shea to just step back and let you go off to some nursing home.”

  I grinned a little and said, “Ah. I was wondering why we were talking about this, but now I see. You were setting me up.”

  “No, not setting you up. I’m just trying to get you to look at this from a different perspective. Shea's really upset at the thought of you putting yourself in the hands of strangers. He knows that absolutely no one will care for you as well as he will, because no one loves you the way he does. That guy right there would do absolutely anything for you.”

  “I know, but—”

  “But nothing. Think about who you’re dealing with for a minute. Shea’s always been the kind of guy that would take a bullet for the people he cares about, no questions asked. And now that he’s in love, can you even imagine how loyal and devoted he is to you? That’s who he is, right down to his core. He was born to help others and you’re trying to deny him that.”

  “I’m not. I just don’t want—”

  “I know what you’re going to say. You don’t want to be a burden to him and also, you don’t want him to see you when you’re all Stephen Hawking-ed out. Right?”

  A little bark of laughter escaped me. “That’s incredibly politically incorrect.”

  “Whatever. I know that has to be a part of it. You think Shea’s shallow enough to think any differently of you when you’re no longer this pretty boy?”

  “I’ll care. If it was you, wouldn’t you want your boyfriend to remember you while you were still relatively healthy and not a shell of your former self? The way I am now is what I want him to remember.”

  Leo rolled his eyes at that. “That’s more than a little shallow.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Well, it’s true. You’d rather leave him with the memory of your choosing rather than have all those extra months with him.”

  “But think about what those months would be like for him! He’d get to watch me break down, slowly, painfully. He’d watch as my personality eroded and as everything I once was fell away. That’s what I’m trying to spare him, Leo.”

  “That’s what you’re trying to spare both of you.”

  “Okay, yes. That would be as hard on me as it was on him. I’d much rather disintegrate in front of total strangers than the man I love. Call it being shallow if you want. But all of that is going to be hard enough to live through without also seeing the agony in my sweet boyfriend’s eyes as he watches me die.”

  Leo scratched his chin and mulled that over for a few moments. Finally he said, “I can see your perspective. But put yourself in his shoes. Imagine, really imagine, what it would feel like if the situation were reversed. What if Shea was the one that insisted on going off to die alone? Is there any part of you that would be okay with that?”

  I looked away, staring at the cluttered fireplace mantel without really seeing it. “No,” I admitted.

  “Exactly.”

  I muttered, “Shit,” just as Cas and Ridley returned. They burst in the front door laughing loudly, their arms full of paper grocery sacks. Shea woke with a little snort and sat up, blinking at his surroundings. He turned and looked at me, and the moment his eyes focused on me, the most beautiful smile lit up his face. “I love you so much,” I said quietly.

  “I love you, too.” He squeezed in with me on the chair again and kissed my cheek. “You’re so cute in those mouse ears that I can barely stand it.”

  I reached up and straightened the hat as I offered him a little grin. “I forgot I was wearing them.”

  That just made him smile even more. His friends passed around beers and snacks, and we resumed the game, Shea once again working in tandem with me. I tried to concentrate, but I was distracted. For the first time, I was actually considering the possibility of not checking myself in to that nursing home. Leo was right, I would never let Shea go off alone to some impersonal facility. Given that, how could I expect him to let me go?

  Eventually, I tried to get my head back in the game. “I forgot to ask,” I said. “Why are we wearing silly hats?”

  Ridley flashed me a big smile. “Because we can.”

  That made me smile, too. I loved the fact that all of these guys, my boyfriend included, had managed to stay in touch with their inner child. In fact, when I tried to imagine them as kids, I decided they wouldn’t really be much different than they were now. I could just see them all ten or fifteen years ago, sitting around a different board game, wearing a different set of silly hats, just having fun. Ten or fifteen years from now, they’d probably be doing the same thing.

  “Hey,” I said to Shea as Leo took his turn, “I know this is random, but do you have any pictures of yourself as a kid?”

  He looked embarrassed and said with a shy smile, “My brother actually found some old photos of us the other day and snapped pictures of them for me.” He pulled his phone from his pocket and flipped through a few screens. “Promise not to laugh.” He turned the screen toward me to reveal a posed school portrait of an adorable little blond kid with braces.

  “Oh man, look how cute you were,” I said sincerely as I took the phone from him.

  “I was a dork.”

  “No you weren’t, you were so sweet! And blond! I just assumed you’d always been a brunet.”

  “Nope. I was a blond, chubby, brace face.”

  I beamed at him and handed the phone back. “You were cute then and you’re absolutely stunning now.”

  “And this makes you very happy for some reason,” he said with a smile as he returned the phone to his pocket.

  “I just figured out what I’m going to paint on the front of that huge building, so yes, I’m ecstatic. Having that hanging over me was really stressing me out.”

  “You’re going to paint a bunch of dorky kids with braces?” he joked.

  I smiled and told him, “Absolutely.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  What I actually ended up painting on the front of the building over the next couple weeks was all of us, larger than life, Shea and Skye and Chance and Zandra and Nana and all the rest of our friends, every single person that came to
help out with the art center. Only, I painted us the way we looked when we were children and put us all together on a big, colorful playground. Some of us were running or playing, the rest drawing with chalk on the blacktop. The playground was backed by a wall with a big mural, a painting within a painting. On that wall I’d painted my father playing the piano, his hair hanging down so you couldn’t see his face clearly, and I’d surrounded him with lines of swirling music against a deep blue starry sky, the stars representing the crowds of people he’d once performed for. Behind that wall were trees and a bright, sunny sky. The mural covered the entire face of the building from roofline to sidewalk. It was not only the biggest thing I’d ever done, it was also the best. I felt really satisfied when I looked at it.

  Even though my fine motor skills were giving me a lot of problems, I was still able to paint, and that felt like such a tremendous gift. My doctor explained it by telling me I was using a different part of my brain when I painted. Whatever the reason, I was incredibly grateful for it.

  A deep voice close by startled me. “That’s supposed to be your dad, right?” I turned to look at Finn Nolan. He was dressed in his police uniform, his big arms crossed over his chest. “In the painting, I mean, the one playing the piano.” When I didn’t respond, he said, “I did some digging, found out who you are. Found out who your dad is, too.”

  A cold feeling settled in the pit of my stomach. “So, what are you going to do with that information?”

  “Nothing. I did tell Shea, but he knew all about it. He told me he’d even met the man, and that Tillane had made him sit through all the Harry Potter movies back-to-back, three times.” Finn grinned a little, but I just stared at him. He fidgeted and said, “I was on patrol and saw you standing out here.” He tilted his head toward a police car double-parked in front of the building. “So I just...I don’t know.”

  “Thought you’d pull over and threaten to reveal my identity?”

  “No! That’s not it at all. I did consider going public with this information when I first uncovered it, because I figured it’d fuck you over pretty good. But it’d fuck my brother over too, and your dad, who according to Shea is a really nice guy.”

  “It would.”

  “Look...I don’t like you and I don’t know if I’ll ever trust you.”

  “Awesome.”

  “The thing is,” Finn said, “I don’t think I’d like or trust any guy that my baby brother got involved with. He’s a really great guy, and I just want the best for him, you know?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Anyway, he told me what’s happening to you and, shit man,” he fidgeted again, looking at the ground. “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Sorry you’re going through that.”

  “Thanks.”

  Apparently he had more to say to me, but it took him a few moments to work it out. Finally he blurted, “My friend Sammy. The one I thought you screwed over? He’s been through four more guys since you and he were involved, and I watched him get way too attached to every single one of them, then act like it was the end of the world when they moved on. He also made each of those guys out to be total ogres after the fact and played it like he was this innocent victim when they broke up with him. But, see, I met some of these guys and that’s not really what happened. I never realized Sammy was like that until recently. So, you know. Maybe what happened between you two last summer wasn’t totally your fault.”

  I grinned at him. “Is that an apology?”

  He shrugged his broad shoulders. “I guess it is. I was a real dick to you. Maybe you deserved it, maybe you didn’t. Either way, I shouldn’t have acted like that.”

  “Water under the bridge.”

  “Alright, well, I’m gonna get back to work. You did a nice job on this painting. That’s exactly what Shea looked like when he was a little kid, only I don’t recall him ever being that happy. He is now though, so you got that right.” I watched as he returned to his patrol car and drove off. Sometimes people could be surprising in the best possible way.

  “Who was that?” Skye asked as he came out the door of the art center, a coffee in each hand, then used two fingertips to tug on the door handle and make sure it had locked behind him.

  “Shea’s brother.”

  “Oh! The douche?”

  “Maybe not so much of a douche after all.”

  We both turned to look at the mural. I’d put the finishing touches on it just that morning. He said with a smile, “You completely nailed it. I like how you gave eight-year-old me blue hair. A sign of things to come.”

  “I’m glad you like it.” I glanced up at my favorite part, Shea and me at about age ten, over in the upper right-hand corner. Shea was smiling and pushing me on a swing, and I was clutching a little bouquet of daisies in my hand as I looked over my shoulder at him and laughed.

  “I love it, especially all the little details. Is that Nana?” he pointed to a tiny little girl near the center of the scene and I nodded. “It’s great that you made her the youngest one in the group.”

  “Nana’s the youngest person I know, in spirit.”

  “And you made her drawing two little male stick figures getting married. Classic.”

  “She does love her gay homosexual weddings,” I said with a grin.

  “That reminds me, you ready for that surprise I promised you?” Skye turned to me with a sparkle in his blue eyes.

  My grin got wider. “Does it involve gay homosexuals?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Then bring it on.”

  “I’m bringing it on as we speak. In fact, the surprise should be along any—oh, here we go.” He was looking past me down the street, and I turned to watch Nana’s stretch limo approaching.

  When the car reached us, Jessie hopped out and opened the door for us with a flourish. “Gentlemen,” he said cheerfully, “welcome aboard the Portland express.”

  “The what now?” I asked as I climbed into the limo.

  Shea, Nana, River, Cole, Trevor, Vincent, Joshie and Dare were already inside. “Looks like a party,” I said as I squeezed in beside Shea and picked up his hand. He was smiling happily.

  “Oh it is,” Skye said as he climbed onto his fiancé’s lap. “A wedding party. Dare and I are eloping to Portland and you, my best man, are coming with us!”

  “Co-best man,” River chimed in. “Sorry dude, but you’re sharing the honors with yours truly. I earned that title after putting up with the blue menace all these years. It’s really appropriate that in the mural Skye’s bugging me, by the way.”

  I laughed at that. “He’s not bugging you, exactly.” I’d painted a little seven- or eight-year-old Skye running after his big brother while holding hands with the kid version of Dare. “So, wait. Are we about to take a road trip to Oregon so your mom can attend your wedding?”

  “Yup. She’s not allowed to travel, so we’re going to her. It’s all arranged, the wedding’s tomorrow. We’re just keeping it simple and getting married at her house.”

  “On Valentine’s Day,” I pointed out.

  “I know, it’s kind of corny, but so are we.” Skye flashed Dare a big smile before kissing him.

  “I need to swing by my apartment. I have to pack a bag,” I said as the limo made a left turn.

  “Don’t worry,” Shea said. “I packed one for you. I got everything you need.” I’d given him a key to my apartment a few weeks ago.

  I returned his smile and said, “Thanks, baby,” before kissing him.

  We made one more stop and picked up Chance. The limo was pretty crowded by now, so he sat on the floor right beside me and smiled up at us over his shoulder. “Hi everyone,” he said. “Thanks for including me. I’ll take pictures of the wedding if you guys want me to.”

  “You can if you want, but we really just wanted you to be our guest,” Skye said.

  “I want to. It’ll be my wedding present to you both.”

  “A wedding present, damn,” I murmured. “I didn’t get to buy you guys anyt
hing.”

  “We don’t need stuff,” Skye said. “We just need you by our side.” Suddenly, I got why they were eloping. They’d bumped their wedding up from summer so I could attend. I blinked a couple times to head off the tears prickling at the back of my eyes. When I turned to look at Shea, he read my emotions in an instant and smiled as he put his arm around me and rested his forehead against mine.

  “I’m the luckiest guy in the world,” I murmured. Shea looked a little surprised at that, and I added, “I am. I have the sweetest boyfriend and the greatest friends.” I turned to look at my best friend and his fiancé, who were seated right beside me. “Thank you for moving your wedding up. I’m honored to be a part of it.”

  “That’s it,” River said. “I’m busting out the booze. It’s a long drive to Portland and we’re already getting sappy!” Cole chuckled and popped open the mini fridge, then handed his boyfriend a bottle of champagne. He also pulled out a bottle of sparkling cider and poured some for Josh and Jessie. The eleven-year-old crawled through the open divider to sit beside the driver and the two of them clicked their plastic cups together. A black and white furry head popped up beside Joshie. Benny the dog panted and wagged all of himself excitedly as the kid scratched him behind the ears.

  Skye meanwhile started talking animatedly about some new piece of crap he’d just found in a junkyard. I watched the total adoration on Dare’s face as his fiancé was talking. I was so happy for Skye. He was marrying the man he loved, who in turn loved him with all his heart. It was exactly what I wanted for my best friend.

  I looked at the faces of everyone around me and my heart felt so full. I really was lucky. I may not have been dealt a lot of years in the great, random lottery of life, but I’d been given so much. All that love and friendship and these remarkable people were such an incredible gift.

  The feeling of peace that settled over me was surprising. I’d spent the last few weeks trying so hard to take Nana’s advice and cherish each day as the gift that it was, but fear and anger still crept in occasionally. I’d busied myself with that mural, working on it seven days a week while also taking care of the million details that went into getting the art center operational. But it was all under control. The mural was done and the art center was coming together. It would be ready for a big grand opening in April.