Desolation

by Bella Jewel

  “Will you ever tell us what happened?” Ash dares to ask.

  I look to her. “Do you want to know what happened?”

  They all nod.

  And so I tell them. For the next hour and a half, I tell them everything.

  By the end, they’re all crying.

  For the first time in forever . . . I’m not.

  ~*~*~*~

  NOW - Pippa

  Rainer stands at my front door, shifting uncomfortably as all the girls stare at him. He tries to smile, but they’re making it difficult for him, considering they’re looking at him like he’s a statue of Hercules and they want to lick him. It’s Santana who steps forward, less stunned because she’s already met him before.

  “Good to see you again, Rainer. One of these days I’ll get to know you, but tonight we have husbands to be with and my sister is excited about your company.”

  Rainer smiles at Santana. “Yeah, we’ll do that.”

  “Ah,” Ash says stepping forward. “I’m Ash. It’s nice to meet you.”

  She stretches her hand out and Rainer takes it, shaking it.

  “And I’m Jaylah.”

  Rainer flashes an award-winning smile at them and then turns to me. He’s wearing a pair of black jeans, a black tee and dark, unlaced boots. He looks as if he could fit right in with the guys from the club. He’s got that dangerous, dark edge.

  “Well,” Santana says, “let’s go give our men some loving before their ride tomorrow. Later, Pippi.”

  They all hug me, and I squeeze each and every one of them tight. For the past two and a half hours, we’ve talked without restriction. They didn’t treat me like a doll—instead, they openly asked questions and discussed things with me. We even laughed. We promise to organize a girls’ day out in the next few months. I can’t wait. A weight has been lifted off my chest.

  The moment the front door has closed, I turn to Rainer and smile. “I’m glad you came.”

  He grins at me. “Me too. You look like you have some good friends there.”

  “I do,” I agree. “Do you want a drink?”

  He asks for a beer and I get one, then we both kick back on the couch. It doesn’t feel strange to be here with Rainer; he’s always been familiar to me. He crosses his booted feet and looks over to me. “You look like you’ve had a hard night, Pip.”

  I nod. “I have.”

  He reaches across, touching my cheek. “I still can’t believe you’re here in front of me. It’ll never feel real.”

  I smile and reach up, covering his hand with mine. “No, it won’t.”

  “So tell me,” he says, moving his hand but taking hold of mine and bringing both to his leg to rest. It’s nice having his fingers around mine. “What made your day so hard?”

  I hesitate. I don’t know if I should tell Rainer about Tyke; I don’t know how he might feel about it. He catches my hesitation and says in a low voice, “It’s a man, isn’t it?”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  He nods.

  I sigh.

  “You don’t need to be afraid to talk to me, Pip. No judgment here.”

  I look over to him. “It doesn’t bother you?”

  He frowns. “No. Why would it?”

  I can’t really answer that, so I don’t.

  “He’s a brother from the club. He’s been my friend since I first got here, and he’s been amazing, Rainer. It’s just . . . he seems never to want to take it over the friend line. He said he thinks I deserve better, because of the life I’ve lived.”

  “Do you think he’s just trying to do the right thing?” Rainer asks.

  “Yes, part of me understands why he’s doing it, but another part just wishes he would see me the way I see him.”

  “Have you told him how you feel?”

  I turn away and flush. “Not . . . exactly.”

  “Pip, you and I both know how important it is to express feelings. You never know when you will have no time left. You need to tell him how you feel.”

  “I don’t know if I can now, Rainer. Tonight changed things for us; I’m so angry at him still.”

  “Let your anger simmer down, and then give it another go.”

  “You’re a whole lot smarter than me, it would appear.”

  He chuckles. “I’m not so sure about that. Now, tell me everything else that has happened.”

  For the next two hours, Rainer and I talk about what happened after I was saved. He tells me about his time in rehab, and how he ended up buying the bar because it keeps him grounded. He said he’s only had one relationship, but the girl struggled to be able to handle his strange habits and mood swings, so he decided being alone was easier.

  By the time we’re finished talking, we’re both exhausted. Rainer kisses me softly on the head before telling me we’ll catch up again soon, then he’s gone. I don’t even bother to move from the couch, my body too weak to bother. Instead I take my phone and hold it to my chest as I curl against the soft cushions. I think about Tyke, and wonder what he’s doing right now.

  I wonder if I should text him, but decide I don’t want to risk something happening to him if he’s in a dangerous situation. So I just tuck my phone to my side and close my eyes, drifting off into a fitful sleep, wondering what the hell the next week is going to bring to me. Will I forgive Tyke? Will he finally open up to me?

  Is there any hope left for us?

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  NOW – Pippa

  The next night at work seems to drag on. I don’t know if it’s the constant panic in my chest because I haven’t heard from Tyke again, or if it’s just anxiety because things are finally moving forward in my life and I’m not quite sure I’ve processed all of them. Either way, it seems I can do no more than drag my legs as I clean each room.

  Sofie is starting a new girl tonight, and they should be in at any moment. I’m glad we’re getting a new girl, because things have been hectic around here lately. I grab a broom from the cupboard in the two-bedroom suite I’m cleaning and start dragging it over the floor in a back and forth motion. A knock sounds, and I spin around to see Sofie standing with a gorgeous young woman.

  “Hey Pippa,” Sofie says coming into the room. “This is Anabelle—she’s the girl starting tonight. I was going to take her under my wing, but George has given me a heap to do. Can she work with you?”

  I nod, smiling. “Hi Anabelle.”

  “Call me Belle.” She smiles, stepping forward.

  Belle is gorgeous. Seriously stunning. She’s got an odd shade of blond hair. It’s not orange, it’s not blond—it’s somewhat of a strawberry-blond color, which, matched with her cornflower blue eyes and porcelain skin, makes her quite the beauty. She’s not much taller than me, and is built very similarly, too.

  “It’s great to meet you, Belle.”

  Sofie waves us off, and Belle steps inside the room. She stares around and then her eyes settle on me. “This place is impressive.”

  “It is. Are you new to town?”

  “Kind of,” she says, her eyes flashing with a darkness I’ve not seen in a long time. “I used to live here. I never planned on coming back . . . but . . . my momma is sick and my daddy passed a year ago. She has no one.”

  “I’m so sorry to hear that,” I say softly.

  She shrugs. “Can’t control life, I suppose.”

  “Did you live here when you were younger then?” I ask her.

  She nods. “Yeah, I only moved away five years ago. I was, well, I am married, but things went bad. I haven’t seen my husband in five years, and I really don’t want to see him again. Only I don’t know how I’m going to escape that when we’re in the same town now.”

  “Your husband and you aren’t close then?”

  More pain and darkness fill her eyes, but she wipes it away with a smile. “No. He’s not a good man. Well, he used to be a good man. Then something happened. I don’t even know what. He changed and started fighting underground. Then he started an illegal fighting ring. I
don’t know if he still does it. I don’t want to know. I’m just here to help my mom.”

  Poor girl. It sounds as if whatever happened to her husband and her was more than painful.

  “I’m sorry. Hopefully you can find a way to avoid him.”

  She sighs. “I need a place to live, too. Mom lives in a tiny one-bedroom place. My sister is married and her house is tiny, too. Neither are big enough for my daughter and I.”

  “You have a daughter?” I gasp.

  She smiles fondly. “Yeah, I do. Imogen. She’s four.”

  “That’s wonderful.” I beam.

  “You don’t know any places going, do you?” she asks hopefully.

  Yes. Mine.

  I have a two-bedroom place, and I could offer Belle and her daughter a room without any hesitation. I consider it. It would be good for me, considering I’m trying to get out there and live a little more. It might be nice to have someone around to talk to, and she seems like a nice girl. And I love kids.

  “I have a room, if you’d like,” I say. “It’s only one room, but it’s big enough for you and your daughter.”

  Her pretty blue eyes widen. “But you don’t know me.”

  I giggle softly. “Neither would I know any other person I ask to rent a room at my house.”

  She chuckles. “That’s true. Is there anything you want to ask me?”

  “You don’t do drugs, do you?”

  She scoffs. “No.”

  “Not an alcoholic?”

  She grins at me, showing me two perfect dimples on her cheeks. She really does look like a doll. “No. I am a bit weak when it comes to cosmos, but I usually only indulge on special occasions—especially now I have Immy.”

  “That’s okay.” I smile. “That’s not a problem for me. I know you have a husband, that you don’t want to see, but otherwise there’s nothing else that will cause big problems?”

  She shakes her head. “Nope. I have no boyfriends, no crazy friends, I don’t really know anyone back here anymore. And the ones I do, well, they’re not fans of mine.”

  “How come?” I ask, using my mop to clean up a spill.

  “Well, let’s just say all my friends and my husband’s family supported him during our break. Probably something to do with me disappearing in the middle of the night without notice.”

  I gasp and my heart aches. “I’m so sorry you have to endure something like that.”

  She smiles weakly. “They didn’t look for me—at least, I don’t think they did because they never found me. Mom knew about Imogen, but she also knew what Max did to me and so she kept it secret, claiming she had no idea where I was.”

  “Max is your husband?”

  So much pain flashes behind her eyes. “Yeah, he is.”

  “Are you getting divorced?”

  She shrugs. “Getting divorced means I have to see him again, and tell him about Immy. I don’t know that I can do that.”

  “Is he really so bad?”

  She looks away. “He wasn’t always . . . like I said, something happened and he changed. He became so cold. He fell out of love with me, I guess. I don’t know. Whatever it was, I no longer became all he breathed for and our marriage was bad. I couldn’t take it, so I ran. I’m not saying I never want Immy to know her dad, but right now I’m not sure I trust the world he lives in.”

  “Fair enough,” I say, meeting her eyes.

  “Yeah,” she whispers, then forces a smile and claps her hands. “Well, we better stop talking or I won’t hold my job longer than half an hour.”

  I laugh, and we both get back to work. I think we’ll get along just fine.

  ~*~*~*~

  Belle and Immy move into my apartment the next morning. She had all her things stored at her mom’s place, and she lives just around the corner so the move is fairly easy. We unpack her and Immy’s things together, setting up their beds and organizing their room. I show her where everything is and we agree on a weekly rent amount. Then, just when we’re nearly done, her sister comes around with her daughter. She was watching her while we moved.

  Imogen is stunning. Nothing like her momma in looks, though. Her hair is dark as the night and flows around her shoulders in little curls. Her eyes, blue as the sky, are sparkling and sweet. She’s got creamy skin like her mom, and the same happy smile. She’s a gorgeous child, and she’ll grow up to be a gorgeous woman.

  “Mommy!” she cries, rushing in and throwing herself into Belle’s arms.

  “Have you been a good girl for Aunty Tina?”

  I look over to Tina, who looks a lot like Belle, except her hair is blond. She smiles at me, and waves her hand. “You must be Pippa. I’m Tina.”

  “Nice to meet you, Tina.” I smile.

  “Immy,” Belle says, kneeling down. “This is Pippa. She’s going to be living here, too.”

  Imogen turns to me and I kneel down. “Hi Immy. I’m glad you’re living here. Do you love baking?”

  Her pretty face lights up. “Yeah! Mom and I bake cookies. Can you bake cookies, Pippa?”

  “I can give it a try.”

  She flashes a cute smile and turns to her mom. “Where’s my room, Mommy?”

  The next hour is spent showing Imogen and Tina the apartment. I make coffee and serve biscuits, and Immy snuggles on the couch to watch some television while we talk. I’ve not felt so at ease since my parents were alive. Slowly, little by little, I’m starting to feel like a normal person again.

  I couldn’t be happier.

  ~*~*~*~

  THEN –Pippa

  Rainer and I are lying in my bed, huddled close because of the cold creeping in from the outside. It’s starting to cool down and the nights are becoming harder and harder to deal with. We don’t have blankets and we don’t have coats, so we are relying on body heat to keep us warm. We figured this out years ago and now we automatically climb in bed together when the nights become cool.

  We are face to face, and Rainer’s cool breath is tickling my cheek as he breathes deeply in and out. His arm is thrown over my waist and our legs are tangled together. We have a sort of peace between us now, a level of comfortable that works for the both of us. We’ve grown close, so close I’ve started to wonder if Rainer cares for me more than he’s letting on.

  I love Rainer, but I’m not in love with him. He’s my comfort. My friend. The only person I trust.

  “Pip?” he murmurs and I can feel his hot breath tickle my cheek.

  “Yeah?” I squeak.

  “Have you ever been kissed?”

  My face flushes in the darkness and I squirm, unable to answer without croaking.

  He chuckles. “Is that a no, then?”

  “No,” I croak. “I haven’t. I guess I haven’t really had time.”

  “Do you want to be kissed?” he asks, his voice dipping low.

  “Well, sure, I mean—”

  “Pippa,” he whispers, cutting me off. “If I kiss you, will it make everything change between us?”

  My voice gets stranded in my throat and I blink back the moisture building in my eyes. Rainer wants to kiss me. I’ve not been kissed, and I’ve often wondered how it would feel. I guess I always thought it would be with a man I wanted to be with for a long time, maybe my husband, but the chances of that ever happening for me are slim.

  Rainer might just be the only man I’m ever able to kiss.

  So, in a quiet voice, I whisper, “No, it won’t change.”

  He sucks in a breath and then he’s moving closer. He doesn’t go straight for my lips. Instead, his mouth finds the corner of mine and gently touches there. I shiver and he rubs his hands up and down my arms as he moves his mouth to my cheek, then to my nose. I’m holding my breath by the time he moves to my lips.

  The first touch is soft, like feathers against my skin. I gasp, and Rainer makes a similar sound, before gently tangling his hand in my hair and pulling me closer. His lips crush against mine now and the kiss becomes deeper, but still equally as soft. He doesn’t touch his t
ongue to mine, but having his lips against my flesh is enough. It feels wonderful.

  “You taste as beautiful as you are,” he whispers, pulling away.

  “Thank you,” I croak in the darkness.

  “For what?”

  “For giving me the only kiss I’ll probably ever have.”

  He presses his forehead to mine and kisses my nose. “I’ll kiss you a thousand times, Pippa. I’ll never let that be the only thing you ever have.”

  Maybe I’m wrong.

  Maybe I am in love with Rainer.

  God knows I should be.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  NOW – Pippa

  My phone rings, stirring me from my sleep. I crashed out onto the couch after Belle went to work and dropped Imogen off to her sister for the night. I’m exhausted; the last few days having taken out every ounce of energy left in my body. I’ve been thinking about Tyke for almost every second of every day, wondering if he’s okay.

  Santana told me Maddox called her last night and said they are all good, and that Tyke is moody and angry, so whatever I did before he left must have been good. She also said they were coming home in the next few days, depending on how things went down. I’m nervous at the thought of seeing Tyke again after our last encounter.

  I reach over to the coffee table, resembling the phone that is still ringing. I glance down at the screen and see it’s Santana. Why would she be calling me so late? I lift it and press the answer putting, pressing it to my ear. “Hello?”

  “Pip, oh thank God you’re home.”

  She sounds frantic.

  “Tana, what’s wrong? What is it?”

  “The boys arrived home about an hour ago. Maddox is beside himself, he said something went down with Tyke. He said . . .” She chokes out a sob and my heart freezes.

  “Tana, what?”

  “He said they ran into a problem with a group of criminals they didn’t want to see. He said these guys ambushed them on their way out of town, and a lot of blood was shed. Three of the J.W. members were shot. No one was killed on our side. But . . . he said Tyke disappeared and they couldn’t find him.” She takes a shaky breath and I want to scream at her to keep going.