“Foom’s the one who’s stubborn.” Wufflebuffle peered at Sam with her glimmering eyes. “Come and have some pudding.”
She gripped Sam’s hand with her sparkling fingers and walked him along to the kitchen. “I’m sure you must be starving. Hurrfoofurrhurr cooking is terrible. You don’t like being tickled, do you?” She sighed. “I do miss tickling the Hurrfoofurrhurrs. And I liked playing games with them. We all did. And I quite liked looking at King Foom’s silly big misty face…” She sighed again.
“I quite like being tickled,” said Sam, and then he added cleverly, “I’d be happy to let you tickle me, but I’m only one very small boy. I bet it would be much better to get everyone on the moon together in one place: the Hurrfoofurrhurrs – who like being tickled – and all your people – who like tickling. And maybe you could swap some hats…”
The queen looked at him sharply, as if she suspected he might be trying to make her part of a great big gigantunormous plan to save the moon. But then she wriggled her sparkly fingers and giggled like bicycle bells. “First I shall practise tickling on you, young Earth person, and then I shall think… I suppose it wouldn’t be too horrible to have to see that stupid, stubborn king again. Maybe…” She smiled a far-away kind of smile.
SECTION THIRTY-THREE
In which there is a not very frightening monster and lots of extremely useful safety equipment.
Back on the farm, as you may have guessed, Brian and Bill were hugging and congratulating each other on having done so well at pretending to be a giant spider.
After Brian had been freed from the spiderweb that was holding him on the ceiling, he and Bill had made a spider suit out of sticky web. They constructed a pair of wobbly spider arms out of more web and borrowed a pair of Guinevere’s knitting needles to use as fangs. They had worn two of Brian’s gas masks to give themselves strange eyes, and worn knee pads to make their knees knobbly. Then they had hissed and shouted and waved their false arms and trotted about on llama legs and badger legs. (That’s why the spider had two more legs than it ought to.)
Both our friends were really sticky and hot inside the spider costume, but they were sure they had defeated Pearlyclaws.
And Brian knew he had been very, very brave, because Bill told him so. “You were so fierce and wonderful.” Bill hugged Brian again. “This was much more fun than being in love and letting Miranda biff my ears.” He took off his gas mask because it was so hot.
“I hope Guinevere does not mind that I made her knitting come undone,” worried Brian, removing his mask. “Where is she? And where are Carlos and Ginalolobrigida? Oooh … I have a worried feeling in my tummy and it is spreading to my ears.”
“Oh, but I wonder where Miranda is,” Bill said. “She’s such a terrible badger. And where is everything from the farmhouse? And where are my hats?! She stole it all, you know! And what if she is being nasty to the llamas?! If anyone could manage to be nasty to a wonderful animal like a llama it would be her.”
“Do not worry, Bill.” Brian rubbed Bill’s shoulder with his big llama nose that no one had snipped. He had decided to keep on being brave until everyone was safe. “We will go and be a spider at her and she will run away, too. And we will find Carlos and Ginalolobrigida and Guinevere and then we will have lemonade and hugs.”
Brian smiled. Bravely.
SECTION THIRTY-FOUR
In which we find Uncle Shawn and a moon full of hats. And Uncle Shawn’s Save The Moon Plan! I hope it works!
All of the Hurrfoofurrhurrs and Paafoofurrhurrs were milling about at the border on the moon.
Astronomers in Australia (where it was night) were looking through their telescopes and noticed the moon behaving very strangely. The bright parts and the shadowy parts were jiggling about. Some parts were really too dark, some parts were really too bright, and some were just dusty and a bit boring in ways that weren’t quite right.
We know what was really happening, but the astronomers had to shake their heads and puzzle over their big books about the moon. Then they went and had a cup of tea and hoped it would all have gone back to normal when they looked again.
Uncle Shawn held Sam’s hand and smiled a secret smile and felt Sky’s invisible hand hold his and knew that soon he would be able to make all kinds of wishes. And so would everyone on Earth.
The Paafoofurrhurrs and Hurrfoofurrhurrs were keeping a little bit apart because they were at war. But some of them were also waving and shouting to friends and hugging a little bit, because they had missed seeing them. Foom and Wufflebuffle were facing each other and trying not to be happy.
Uncle Shawn walked towards them with his arms held wide, scuffling his feet a lot in the dust so that no one would notice any footprints from invisible feet. “And now,” yelled Uncle Shawn, sounding very official, “the exchanging of the hats.”
All the moonfolk had brought their hats with them and some of them giggled and clapped, because the only thing better than making a wonderful hat is giving it to someone. The tassels on the Hurrfoofurrhurrs’ hats waved as they waggled them and the sequins glittered. The ribbons and bows on the Paafoofurrhurrs’ hats also waved and the tinsel on their brims looked very fine.
Then Uncle Shawn announced in a great, loud voice that could almost be heard on Earth, “King Foom and Queen Wufflebuffle will exchange hats first. Then you will all exchange hats. And we shall see what we shall see!”
The king and queen stared at each other, Foom’s shadow eyebrows looking very stern and the glittering of Wufflebuffle’s hair showering everyone in sparks. They held out their extraordinary hats, which were highly impressive and covered in bells and jewels and sweets in pretty wrappers. But then they did nothing except stare some more.
“What’s wrong?” asked Uncle Shawn.
Wufflebuffle hissed, “We didn’t start this, so they should hand over the first hat.”
Foom growled, “Well, we didn’t start this either, so they should hand over the first hat.”
Uncle Shawn’s eyes sparkled and he said quietly, “Well, if you’re going to be annoyed, you should just put your hats on the ground and turn your backs on each other.” He chuckled and waved his hands in a way that seemed a little bit like waving to an invisible girl.
Once the hats were resting on the ground and their owners had their backs turned, Wufflebuffle’s hat floated away from her and then Foom’s hat quietly floated away from him.
Then, while every single moon person watched, even the babies, Foom’s hat landed on Wufflebuffle’s head and Wufflebuffle’s hat landed on Foom’s head – just as if an invisible girl had helped them to be more sensible.
As soon as the hats settled on their heads, Foom and Wufflebuffle turned round and looked at each other. Then they both said, “Thank you.”
And then they both laughed.
After that they hugged each other and both shouted, “I knew you’d see sense!” Then they both laughed again and said, “No, I knew you’d see sense!” And then they were quieter and said together, “And I knew I’d see sense, too.” And then they hugged some more.
The Paafoofurrhurrs and Hurrfoofurrhurrs had been watching everything, holding their breath. Now they all cheered and hugged everyone they could reach and gave hats and swapped hats and even threw hats in the air.
Down on Earth the astronomers, who had just come back from their cups of tea, looked through their telescopes and saw the strange lights and shadows caused by this and had to lie down and have even more tea and some biscuits. Some of them gave up being astronomers and started to grow carrots instead.
But what about the wishes? Can we make wishes yet?! We really need them now!
SECTION THIRTY-FIVE
In which I really wish we could wish, because things aren’t going to turn out quite as well as we were hoping. There are lovely animals with beautiful noses in danger and some of them have been hypnotised! Oh no!
Pearlyclaws had run on his precious feet like an evil egg away from Bill and Brian and –
MASH – crashed into Miranda, who was looking for Bill.
“Ooff…” said Miranda as she was knocked onto her big bottom.
Pearlyclaws glared at Miranda. With his gummy mouth he told her, “Ooo look werry ugly in oweralls.”
“Why weren’t you looking where you were going?” said Miranda. “And where are your teeth? And your moustache? Without your hat you look like an angry egg.”
“Oo oook uglier!” yelled Pearlyclaws. And also, “SPIDDDDEER!” He mimed being chased by a giant spider while Miranda laughed.
“What nonsense. You’ve been drinking one of your own potions.” She thumped him with one of her meaty paws. “I don’t think there’s any treasure here and I can’t find Bill. Let’s just snip off as many noses as we can and then leave. When Uncle Shawn is back from the moon and you’ve got some teeth, you can think of a better plan.”
“Mut whad about da spider?”
“I don’t believe there ever was a spider. I bet you’ve snipped off all the noses and you’re trying to cheat me.”
“No. We gan snip dem now,” said Pearlyclaws.
Miranda wiggled her tail with joy. “Yes. Let’s snip them now. Where are your big scissors? I suppose you have lost them. Well, we can use the saw in my tool belt.” Miranda chuckled a terrible chuckle.
Then – oh, goodness and dearie, dearie me – both those horrible creatures walked back towards the llamas who were sleeping peacefully in the meadow!
Oh, NO!
Still deep under the spell of Pearlyclaws’ hypnotism, Ginalolobrigida was snoozing and Carlos was snoring and Guinevere was dozing. They looked so peaceful and happy and calm.
And they didn’t have any idea that Pearlyclaws and Miranda were RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEM!
Pearlyclaws was smiling as much as anyone can with no teeth and staring at the llamas’ wonderful noses as if they were ripe apples he was going to pick.
Miranda was sharpening her saw on a stone to make it even nastier…
Oh, no!
Can we bear to look?
Goodness me!
Miranda Badger was now waving her saw in the air and enjoying the way it glittered. She was sure it was exactly sharp enough to slice poor, defenceless noses easily and smoothly so that her arm wouldn’t get tired. “You hold up their silly heads and I will get sawing,” she growled.
But, exactly at that moment, that terrible huge spider battered through the hedge.
“Leave those llamas alone!” it shrieked.
Pearlyclaws quickly hid behind Miranda and shrieked back, “Noooo!”
Miranda jumped back too and both the nasty badger and the international criminal called Pearlyclaws started to run away.
Phew!
But then…
Miranda stopped. “Hang on a minute. I recognise that stupid, fat voice,” she sneered.
She turned round and examined the spider costume, which wasn’t quite as good and convincing as it had been. One of its wibbly arms had been pulled off by the hedge, and the knitting needles had dropped out of Bill’s paws because he was hot and all of him was sweating a lot. Some of the knee pads had come loose and were looking a bit sad.
Miranda grabbed Pearlyclaws by his collar and dragged him back towards the spider, and even though it shouted, “Beware of the huge spider! ¡Si! ¡Ten cuidado con la enorme araña!” Miranda kicked its front legs (which belonged to Bill) and snorted down her nose in a very unladylike way.
“It’s that idiot badger and that cowardly llama. We can take care of them.”
And while Bill’s fur and Brian’s fur went all shivery with fright and they wished they hadn’t taken off their gas masks (because they covered their noses), Miranda closed in on them, and Pearlyclaws kicked Carlos’ leg because no one could stop him.
Pearlyclaws chuckled. “More noses to snip. We can deal with every single one of Uncle Shawn’s animal friends here at once. Perfect. Then we’ll just wait for him and the twins. And while we are waiting we can think up new terrible things we can do to them.”
And he and Miranda held hands and did the ugliest dance the universe has ever seen.
SECTION THIRTY-SIX
In which perhaps Uncle Shawn and Sam and invisible Sky will run out of air before they manage to mend everybody’s wishes on Earth and get home! Maybe we should all wish that everything turns out happily for everyone – and hope our wishes can work now.
Up on the moon, Uncle Shawn was having to shout above all the sounds of happiness and jingling bells and tickling and enjoyment. His Save The Moon Plan had worked and he had stopped the moon going to war. But he still had to get all the way home with the twins. He could tell they were both worried about not being able to breathe for much longer. “I am afraid we have to go now and we need our magnet back so that we can make our dish fly, dear moon people,” he said to the big crowd around him. “It has been nice to see you, but I think we need to hurry.”
As soon as they remembered Uncle Shawn and Sam were there, Queen Wufflebuffle and King Foom rushed in and tickled them and picked them up and held them in the air. They both shouted, “Uncle Shawn, you are a very clever and wonderful man! And well done Sam!” Of course, they couldn’t see Sky.
“This is very nice, but please let us go,” called Uncle Shawn, as his long arms and lanky legs jiggled in the air and he looked across at Sam. “And we really will need our big magnet and our big metal dish and – oh – lots of wishes and quite a few hats.”
Foom laughed. “Of course. The moon will be able to catch and grant wishes again now we are all happy. And you can have your magnet back!” He started to tickle Wufflebuffle and she tickled Pinginging and she tickled Noof and he started to tickle Pappaboo.
“Oh dear,” thought Sky. “Tickling is nice sometimes, but not right now. We’re going to run out of air!”
Soon everyone was tickling everyone else and so many moon people were tickling Nif that he hiccupped and hiccoughed and then – up came the magnet in a blaze of blue sparks. Nif didn’t need it any more to make himself feel tickly. Everybody cheered.
Some Paafoofurrhurrs and Hurrfoofurrhurrs brought over the big metal dish, running on their sparkly and shadowy feet, and it wasn’t long before Sam and Uncle Shawn and – secretly – Sky were standing ready on the thrumming metal surface, waiting to fly.
The Hurrfoofurrhurrs waved and the Paafoofurrhurrs waved and Foom and Wufflebuffle shook Uncle Shawn’s hand and bowed to Sam, who was thinking, “I don’t know if I can hold my breath all the way back to Earth – it took us so long to get here. We don’t have enough powdered air left…”
“How did you get us to be friends again?” Wufflebuffle asked Uncle Shawn, just when he thought they could get away.
“Yes, I think you’re a little bit magic,” Foom chuckled.
“Oh, I had the help of my friends. Having friends always makes everyone a little bit magic.” Uncle Shawn smiled, and everyone heard the giggle of an invisible little girl. They watched as Uncle Shawn reached out and held Sam’s hand to his right, and then reached out and seemed to take hold of an invisible hand to his left. Uncle Shawn winked and his hair wiggled happily.
“I see…” Foom laughed. “Or rather, I don’t see at all.”
“Thank you so much for helping us,” sparkled Wufflebuffle.
“I don’t know why we were being so silly,” rumbled Foom and he reached out his cloudy hand to Wufflebuffle’s light-filled hand. “We love each other really.” When he realised he had said that out loud, his cloudy head and hands and body all turned a strange sort of pink – as if the sun was setting behind rainclouds.
And Wufflebuffle’s lights also became all shades of red, pinks and purples.
“I think we should leave you two to be happily in love,” said Uncle Shawn, feeling a bit short of breath.
Both the royal moonfolk blushed even more colourfully.
Moonfolk rushed in again from all directions and gave Uncle Shawn the moon’s finest hats and tickled his elbows gently as a thank
you, because they had never wanted to be at war and were so happy now that they could run and play tag and make more hats and have all the fun they could imagine with each other. They really wanted Uncle Shawn to stay with them, because he was always fun.
“I’m afraid that we have to get home to our other friends,” said Uncle Shawn firmly. There was now a good-sized hill of hats around his feet. The moonfolk were being very generous. “Bill is down on Earth having to be in love in a really unhappy way, and goodness knows what might have happened to the llamas, and Brian does worry … and … air.” He coughed and nodded and waved and with that he threw the big magnet up towards the earth. The iron dish spun upwards after it, just the way that a cat would chase a ball of wool and, once again, the moon rang with cheers and bells and jingling.
As the dish jumped higher and higher, the twins cheered too, and hugged. They tried to take only tiny breaths and then gasped when they saw the fresh swirling rainbow haze of new wishes and happiness and extra happiness beginning to form around the moon like the shine on a pearl.
“Well, that’s all right, then.” Uncle Shawn smiled. “Oh, but we still have a terribly long way to go until we’re home and I have no more powdered air in my pockets. Do you, Sam? Do you, Sky?” He tried to make his voice sound worried, even though his eyes were twinkling and sparkling.
Sam scrabbled in his pockets and Sky – who had climbed back into the warm space clothes she had left in the dish – had no air either. She had held all her powder in her hand while she was being invisible, but her hand was quite empty now. There wasn’t a speck of powder anywhere.
“Oh, no!” said Sam.
Sky was about to say exactly the same, but then she caught sight of Uncle Shawn’s happy eyes and noticed the way that his smile was growing and growing. “Oh, but I know! We can wish for some more!”
Uncle Shawn and Bill and the Not One Tiny Bit Lovey-Dovey Moon Adventure Page 8