“I believe we both had orgasms.”
I did open my eyes at that. Was he purposely being obtuse, or just trying to get me going? “That’s not sex. Not the kind I’m talking about.”
Gareth sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. It was a sexy nose. I wished I had the energy to kiss it. “Liz, we’ve talked about this. I’m not ready for a relationship. Not yet.”
“I understand that. And it’s just sex.”
He looked at me for several long moments. “It’s not, though. I think you know that too.”
Now, I knew that I was still new to the whole Dom and sub thing. I knew that doing a scene wasn’t the same as having a romantic relationship. Connie and Stephen knew lots of people who were professional Doms who never once slept with their subs. But what we shared wasn’t that.
We’d done coffee. Gone to movies. Hell, I’d been known to chat with him on the phone just to shoot the shit or bitch about how one of my coworkers is an idiot. That was a bit more than a professional relationship. Wasn’t it?
I really wanted him to fuck me.
I wanted him to find the courage to take the next step with me.
I really didn’t want to be alone anymore.
I cleared my throat and tried to smile. “It could be, though. Sex. We don’t need to take things any further than that. It’s just . . .” Somehow I managed to stop myself. “It’s fine. I’m just sex addled.”
“Liz—”
“Seriously. I’m happy.” I just wish I could say the same about him. Gareth did so much for other people, but his own peace of mind seemed to elude him. I wanted to give back to him some of the joy he’d given to me.
I just didn’t have a clue how to do that.
So, I nodded and did my best to keep my disappointment off my face. “Are you still marking exams?”
For a man who prided himself on his control, his face was an open book when he wasn’t in Dom mode. His relief was apparent. “Only a few more essays to go, then I get to relax for a bit.”
“Maybe we can do a movie then. There are actually a few good ones I’ve been itching to see.”
He smiled at me then and I’m pretty damn certain if I’d been able to have a second orgasm I would have. “One of your action movies?”
“Of course!” I pulled the blanket up to my chin. “Kaboom!”
“Get some rest, crazy-head. I’ll talk to you in a few days.”
He kissed my forehead and moved to get his things. I would normally have gotten up and followed him around until he left, but I wasn’t able to move. My busy brain had kicked back in and I’d begun pondering. I neatly labeled the issue Gareth, opened a mental file, and began to compile a list of my concerns.
I didn’t remember hearing him leave.
CHAPTER 7
“You know, I think I might need to break things off with Gareth.”
The plate Connie had been drying dropped to the sink with a crash as she spun around to glare at me. “What the hell are you talking about? You can’t break up with him. You’re perfect for each other.”
Now, I always told Connie everything, it had been our thing since we became best friends. She’d heard all my frustrations, my fears, hell she knew when my period was going to start before I did. But I’d been a tiny bit terrified to say anything to her about this because I knew this was the reaction I would get.
I’d chosen to face this particular conversation sitting down. My coffee mug was hot enough to burn my hands, but I held on tight. A little bit of pain was always helpful when I was trying to focus. Something else Gareth had taught me.
Gareth.
I’d barely slept the night before as I mentally battled with myself over this. I knew I’d somehow let things get too emotional on my end. And he’d been clear from the start—at this stage he wasn’t ready to get into a relationship. He wasn’t saying never, just not right now.
I wanted now.
Why the hell was I so impatient?
“The thing is, he doesn’t seem to want to move beyond what we have going. I mean, I don’t really blame him. I can’t imaging losing a partner the way he did. And I’m not looking to take her place or anything. But . . . God.” I wasn’t sure if he’d ever be ready to move on. And while I wouldn’t expect a person would ever get over something like that, I hoped that after four years he might be ready to let someone else in.
Perhaps me.
God, I was so confused.
Connie flipped the dish towel over her shoulder, leaned back against the counter, and crossed her arms. “Okay, back up. What’s the problem right now between the two of you?”
Really, talking about my period was less embarrassing than trying to converse about this with her. It would also have been more straightforward. “He doesn’t want to have sex with me.”
“Umm, hello. I’ve been kicked out of the bloody condo on more than one occasion because the two of you have been doing the nasty.”
If only. “Well, he’s been doing things to me.”
“You say it as if it’s bad.”
“It isn’t.” God, was I really complaining about the fact that I’d been getting awesome orgasms? Apparently. “He’s been helping me explore my limits and learn what I enjoy with this stuff. And I love talking to him.”
“Then why the hell are you thinking about breaking up with him? That doesn’t make even a little bit of sense.”
“Because he won’t have sex with me. Actually take his wonderfully hung cock and put it into my very willing vagina. He’ll go without coming before he’d do that to me and I don’t know why.” Actually, that was a lie. I knew exactly why he wouldn’t fuck me—his deceased wife.
I’d never considered myself to be a jealous woman before now, but I couldn’t deny that I held a small measure of that emotion toward a woman who I’m sure was a wonderful lady. Gareth loved her, still did, and I was scared there wasn’t going to be any room for me inside his heart.
“This isn’t really about sex, is it?”
“No.” I took another big sip of coffee. “No matter what I do or say, I can’t seem to make him happy. Not really happy. I was hoping that if we made love that maybe I could show him how awesome I think he is. How much I care for him.”
Connie came over and fell into the chair across from me. “Stephen asked me the other day how I thought the two of you were making out. He’s been worried about Gareth for months.”
It had taken awhile for me to learn about Stephen and Gareth. They’d been friends for years, playing rugby together and coming into the scene around the same time. Where Gareth was quiet and thoughtful, Stephen was more showy and vocal. Connie loved that Stephen would let his Dom tendencies slip into their outside lives. She’d told me once that when he got possessive of her in front of other people, it made her feel special in a way she couldn’t describe. I got that now that I’ve been with Gareth for a while.
Connie reached out and patted my hand. “Liz?”
“He’s never talked about her or openly compared me to her. It’s not as if he’s being an asshole or anything. But I get the feeling he won’t fuck me because it would be too much like cheating on her.”
“She’s been dead for four years. He needs to move on at some point.”
I couldn’t lie—I honestly hadn’t been that deeply in love with anyone. It’s not as though I was shallow or incapable of it, but before Gareth there hadn’t been that spark of light that I’d felt with any of my previous boyfriends. The knowledge that with a few well-timed breaths, the spark would begin to blaze. It was something I wanted to experience.
Preferably with him.
“Do you really want to break up with him?” Connie reached across and took my hand. “If you do, know you have my support. Stephen knows him well enough to get it and won’t be pissed either. Hell, he’ll probably bitch Gareth out for upsetting you.”
“Thanks.”
Did I really want to do that? Walk away without another glance? It was the easy way out, a
path that I wouldn’t normally take.
When I was alone at night I would still imagine seeing Gareth for the first time, not when he was under the spotlight onstage at the charity auction, but when he was peeking out from behind the curtain. I thought he was the most beautiful man I’d ever laid eyes on. Now that I’d gotten to know him a bit better, my opinion had only strengthened.
I loved it when he’d smile. Not the ones he put on for show. No, it was when something would catch him off guard and he’d let out a surprised chuckle. That smile would reach his eyes, making them sparkle. More and more I started to see him that way, and every time I fell in love with him a bit more.
Did I really want to walk away? Or did I want to take a chance and see if I could light that spark inside him?
Screw that.
“No, I don’t want to break up with him. I just don’t know how to make this work.”
Connie nodded once, giving my hand a squeeze. “Remember me telling you about my dog Andy?”
“The Lab?”
“Yeah. He was a pain in the ass. I loved that stupid mutt despite all the shit he would get into. We got to a point, though, where my parents wanted me to give him up. I made them a deal. I’d take Andy to dog training and they had to give me the time to try to make things right. It took a while, but Andy and I figured things out.”
“You want me to take a Dom to obedience classes?” Wouldn’t that be one for the papers?
Connie chuckled. “Well, no. Though that would be kind of hot. But a good Dom needs to learn as much about himself as he does his sub. From what Stephen has told me, Gareth has changed a lot since Rachael died. Maybe he needs to relearn who he is as a man as well as a Dom? It’s easy to ignore what’s wrong with yourself when you’re focused on someone else.”
Shit, I hadn’t even considered that. “So, he’s been using me to forget?”
“He hasn’t been with anyone in four years. And from what Stephen said, Rache was his first serious relationship.” Connie shrugged. “What we need is a plan. A way to help him see that it’s okay for him to move forward in his life.”
A plan for training a Dom.
It was almost as absurd as her idea to buy a Dom for a night.
Of course, that had turned out fairly well. What was to say this wouldn’t either? I could show Gareth how much he meant to me, maybe encourage him to take our relationship to the next level and in the end bring us closer together. I just had to have big enough proverbial balls to do it.
I took another deep drink of coffee and waited for the pain to dissipate before I spoke again. “So, what do you have in mind?”
I don’t think I ever remember seeing Connie give me such a devilish grin before. I should have known enough to start worrying.
The phone had grown warm in my hands as I turned it over. I was supposed to have called Gareth twenty minutes earlier, but I still couldn’t figure out the right words to say to him. Sure, Connie and I had practiced the whole damn speech. I’d even gone over it again with Stephen when he got home from work. But that was a completely different thing from actually calling up Gareth and letting the words come out of my mouth.
Basically, I was a big chicken shit.
I hated being a chicken shit.
Close your eyes and just do it.
Yes, I actually closed my eyes when I pressed the speed dial for him. It was lame, but at this point I was willing to do anything to get through the call. I kept them closed, too, as the ringtone sounded three times before he picked up.
“Hey.” The sound of his deep voice always did strange things to my stomach. And my pussy. Not to mention the way my heartbeat doubled.
God, I had it bad.
“Hey.” I really wanted to giggle. I did that when I got nervous, but I knew I couldn’t. Not if I was going to make this believable. “So, I wanted to ask you something.”
“You’re late calling. Everything okay?”
Shit. “Yes and no.”
“That doesn’t sound good.” I could hear him shifting around, papers being rearranged. He was probably still at work. “Did you want to meet for a coffee? Talk?”
“No!” Oh, nice overreaction there, Lizzy. “I mean, you sound busy.”
“Just grading midterms. I can duck out for a while.”
“No, this isn’t a duck out conversation.” I closed my eyes again, enjoying the sudden lack of sight. “I was wondering if you’re free this weekend?”
He didn’t respond right away, and for a moment I thought I might have lost the call. But then I picked up his breathing—shallow—the sound of him swallowing, and I knew he realized how serious this request was.
“All weekend?” He was trying to gauge my emotions. He’d slipped into that slightly detached tone of his he used when we are doing a scene. Right now, the last thing I wanted was for him to slip into his Dom-space. I needed to talk to Gareth.
I realized my speech wasn’t going to work. If I didn’t change tactics quickly, I’d lose him.
“You make it sound like that would be a horrible idea.”
“Not at all—”
“Because really I just wanted to, you know, hang out. It’s like we haven’t had a chance to do that in a while.”
“Liz—”
“Well, we don’t have to if you’re busy.”
“Liz.”
“Yes?”
“I could use some time away from thinking about half-baked theories on The Importance of Being Earnest. Plus, I’m never too busy for you.”
Oh. God, he could be so sweet. “I was thinking that maybe we could do something a bit different than coffee or . . . other stuff.”
I smiled at the sound of his chuckle. “What do you have in mind?”
“IKEA.” It was that or the hardware store, and I didn’t want to give him any ideas for new play equipment.
“Is this about those bookshelves you mentioned?”
“Connie threatened to kick me out of the apartment if I didn’t get my collection under control. She and Stephen are going to Collingwood this weekend, so I thought it would be a good excuse to tidy up.”
“And you need help?” He knew I was deflecting, but thankfully he didn’t call me on it.
“I was looking more for company and the chance to hang, but if the idea of coming to my rescue will get you to tag along, then yes. Please, please, please, I need your help.”
“Cheeky.”
“I try.”
I don’t know why I thought this was going to be hard. Despite my tendencies to freak out for no reason, this was Gareth. Dom or not, we did connect on a level that had nothing to do with my enjoyment of him tying me up. Our friendship had taken me a bit by surprise at first, but we really did have a lot in common. It was the perfect foundation for a kick-ass relationship.
I simply had to make him aware of it too.
“What time are you thinking?”
I jumped to my feet and might have done a Snoopy dance. “How about six-thirty on Friday?”
“I’ll pick you up.”
“Awesome. Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me. You know I have a soft spot for you.”
We chatted a bit longer, but my mind was already on what I needed to do next. While I really did want to go to IKEA, I needed to make a few other purchases beforehand. I had every intention of making Friday night one he wouldn’t forget for a long time.
And if luck was on my side, maybe we’d be taking the next step in our relationship.
Or we’d be breaking up.
Only time would tell.
CHAPTER 8
“I think we might have destroyed my car’s shocks.” Gareth dropped the third of the large IKEA boxes onto the living room floor. “Was there anything else?”
His five o’clock shadow had come in, and I’d spent the better part of two hours trying to not stare. I knew he hated the scruffy look, but I thought it made him look amazing.
“Nope, I grabbed everything else.” I’d
actually gone nuts with the shopping, not at all what I’d intended. But I wasn’t about to pass up the opportunity either. I mean, come on . . . IKEA!
Gareth stood in the middle of the room, his hands on his hips, surveying the pile of boxes and scattering of bags. “I’m almost scared to ask if you want help with this.”
“Oh, would you?” I totally knew he would. “It would go a lot faster with two people and then I could spend tomorrow getting the books up and organized and Connie won’t hate me quite so much. I promise I won’t make you work the whole weekend either. I bought beer and we can watch a movie on Netflix later if you want.” Netflix? Well, it was as good a plan B as anything. Hopefully, there wouldn’t be a need for movies. Though any excuse to watch Secretary was good with me.
Gareth rolled up his sleeves and tore open the boxes. He’d worn jeans and a button-down shirt, my favorite combination on him. Damn, I had to leave if I was ever to get phase two of The Plan into action.
“I have to hit the bathroom.” I started edging my way from him. “Need anything before I disappear?”
“No, I’m good. I’m surprised you haven’t exploded yet.” He smirked at me before returning his attention back to the box. “How many coffees did you have?”
“Only two.” That he saw. “I’ll be out in a minute.”
I’d gotten everything I’d need ready before he’d picked me up. My bathroom had been converted from the place I primp and clean into a leather works. I’m not normally one for all the trimmings, but I had to admit it was a lot of fun shopping with Connie. The thigh-high leather boots were my favorite of the outfit. The way the leather clung to my skin as I laced them up damn near made me come. Yet another kink I’d have to explore.
The corset and skirt left nothing to the imagination. I had to practice putting everything on a few times to make sure I could do it quickly. Honestly, my first few attempts at dressing were funny as hell. At least now I knew how to do it without ending up in knots.
With the strings tightened, boots on and panties off, I quickly put on the cherry red lipstick and darkened my eye shadow. I really didn’t look myself, but that was the whole point. Pulling my hair into a tight bun changed the way my face looked. I was no longer sweet, funny, and slightly odd Liz. I’d morphed into Domme, Mistress Elizabeth.
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