Never Knew Until You

by L E Royal

  Kristina’s slim arms were tight around her waist, so Parker let them stay, keeping her own around her, holding her close, running her fingers through her silky dark hair.

  The interaction replayed in her mind. She studied it from every angle. Most of it she could make some sense of, but the last part, Mal’s stiletto on the floor, Kristina’s reaction and the hand over her face… Did she hit her when they were together?

  “Sorry…I…” Kristina pulled back, and Parker let her go just enough so she could see her face, still holding her gently around the arms. “You shouldn’t have had to see that.”

  She dragged her thumbs under Kristina’s eyes, collecting the last of the tears, and Parker found herself struck by how young she looked, how small, in comparison to the force of nature she had become to her.

  “You have nothing to apologize for, honey, nothing.”

  Kristina nodded, blinking at her before her face clouded over.

  “I should… You should…”

  “Kristina, did she hit you?”

  She hadn’t meant to just come out with it, but watching the mask fall back into place, seeing Kristina preparing to run, she had.

  “Mal?” The word was sputtered out, and more tears welled in her dark eyes.

  Parker tipped her head.

  “No… Never. Mal… She’s just… God.”

  The tears spilled over, and Kristina’s face disappeared into her hands. Parker tugged her closer, and though she resisted at first, eventually, she collapsed against her chest again.

  “Is this why you were so upset the last time she was here?”

  Kristina nodded against her.

  “I wasn’t having work done at the house. I just wanted not to be here because I knew she was in town. She got here early,” she said darkly. Parker sensed her hackles rising.

  “Krissie… If she’s been hurting you….”

  Kristina pulled away from her. “No, Parker, no. Mal has never hurt me without my consent.”

  “Has she fucked you without it?”

  The silence that hung between them was loaded and heavy, and stretched out too long. As she opened her mouth to break it, Kristina spoke.

  “No… I don’t know. It’s over now, so what does it matter?”

  “Kristina…”

  “Parker, please.” She sounded just desperate, just broken enough that Parker let her protests die on her tongue, and they hovered there, both caught in heavy silence.

  Parker reached across the space that had sprung up between them and then she took Kristina’s cool fingers in her own, squeezing, tugging a little, until Kristina was looking up at her, a fresh wave of tears in her dark eyes though her mouth stayed set in a grim line.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just trying to understand this…you. I…care about you.”

  Kristina swallowed hard.

  “I know.”

  “How did this become your life, Krissie? You’re so…. Good, you have so much potential. What made you use the agency and go with Mal?”

  She scoffed.

  “You used the agency too.”

  Parker nodded her agreement. “And I’m a forty-year-old woman whose entire life flipped when my wife left me and I was desperate to get out of that…place, to find myself again, that I figured I had nothing to lose, but you…”

  “Don’t.” Kristina’s voice was sharp as broken glass. “Don’t put me up on a pedestal.” Tears tracked down her cheeks.

  “Krissie…”

  Parker leaned in, not knowing what to do. Sex was always easy between them, and physically, they communicated on a level she didn’t know how to replicate with words in that moment. Hovering a hairsbreadth away from her, she waited, Kristina exhaling against her lips. When she leaned forward to press their mouths together, it was soft, slow. Parker reached up to cup her face, tears collecting on her thumbs.

  When the kiss ended, they stayed close, foreheads resting together as she brushed the tears from Kristina’s tan cheeks.

  I love you.

  The words rang in her head, screamed. She did. Somehow, somewhere in all this she had fallen for Kristina, and all she wanted was to protect her, to understand her, to help her heal. The way she’d flinched back haunted Parker as much as the words, but she gave in to the silence, closing her eyes to enjoy Kristina’s proximity, the fact that for now, she was hers.

  “I got into a bad relationship coming out of high school. It messed me up more than I can tell you. He, um…”

  Parker watched her as she pulled away, trying not to feel the slight shock that ran through her at the pronoun.

  “He hit me, and was controlling, and…I was young.”

  A sob rattled up her throat, but when Parker reached for her, Kristina held up her hands.

  “If you touch me, I won’t be able to finish. I’ve not told anyone this in years.”

  Parker nodded her understanding, trying desperately to keep her emotions off her face as she folded her hands back in her lap and listened.

  “Afterwards I just… I was so out of control. I called the agency when I was twenty and met Mal shortly after. I hated her at first, but over time she showed me intimacy I understood. Like a business transaction, the terms are set. I understood the stakes for both parties, and what she got, and what I got, and there was a get-out clause from the start.”

  Parker swallowed, tears welling as Kristina reached up to wipe hers away.

  “Mal was good to me. I found it hard to say no to her even when our arrangement ended, and after I met you I…asked her to stop coming around; then I started trying to avoid her. She fixed me, or I thought she had, and now I just…”

  Her face crumpled. Parker caught her without hesitation when she leaned forward to sob, held her until she’d taken a deep breath, and met her eyes again.

  “I had it all figured out.” The words were soft in the quiet, still a little unsteady. Kristina’s dark eyes met her own, and something constricted in her chest. “I never knew until you that nothing was figured out at all.”

  It shattered. Kristina leaned up as she leaned down, and they were kissing, soft but firm. Kristina ran her fingers over Parker’s shirt, up her chest to touch her neck, her cheeks, her hair.

  Those three words she really didn’t want to say were right on the tip of her tongue, so she put it to better use by running it soft across Kristina’s bottom lip and letting it flit inside. Parker had never tasted her like this, laid open, the last of her defenses blown out with the admission neither of them had expected.

  The pads of Kristina’s fingers trailed down her spine, settled on her hip. Parker tugged her closer, closer, and there was no trace of dominant Kristina as lips moved to kiss the hollow of her throat.

  Clothes fell like rain, and when they tumbled back onto the sofa, the softness stayed. Kristina looked up at her, and Parker saw her eyes question and then let go, give in when she touched her gently.

  I love you.

  It was right there, so she dipped her head instead. She kissed Kristina and let the word fall out silently into her mouth.

  Her name sounded like a benediction, falling from kiss-plumped lips as she moved down her body. Though she had seen her countless times, everything looked different today in the face of this new exposition between them. It was with one hand on Kristina’s cheek, and her lips around a taut nipple that Parker realized what was happening.

  “Parker…”

  Her name had never sounded as good, as right, as it did in that moment when Kristina breathed it out and let her head fall back on the cushion.

  It had never sounded as good as when Parker slid back up to slip a thigh between her legs and kiss her slowly. Fingers threaded through her hair, holding her impossibly closer. They didn’t twist or tug. There was no play for the upper hand; there were no games at all now. Kristina was relaxed against her as Parker slid a hand between them, relaxed when Kristina bucked her hips and pushed her half off so she could slide her own hand down too. They touched each oth
er slowly, unhurried, soft moans and breathy gasps and Kristina’s body shuddering in a way that made her ache.

  “Krissie…”

  Kristina’s fingers moved slick over her, and Parker tried for focus on moving her own against Kristina, on her half-lidded eyes and barely parted lips, on anything except the words bubbling so close to the surface, threatening to spill out and ruin whatever tentative thing was forming between them now.

  Parker had seen her naked, been undone by her dozens of times, yet somehow, this felt like the first time Kristina was truly bare before her.

  “Krissie…”

  The words rose higher, closer, and it would be so easy to let them fall out on a breath, spill them out into the day where so many other admissions had been made anyway.

  There was a warning in Kristina’s eyes, and Parker slid her fingers lower, pushing into her slowly, almost apologetic; then her jaw was clenched and the words were tumbling away. If she couldn’t tell, she would show her.

  Parker didn’t ask permission this time, letting the tips of her fingers dip low, feeling Kristina tense beneath her, feeling the hitch in her kiss before she relaxed, her hips rising ever so slightly, inviting. Parker pushed into her.

  Parker didn’t stop. She didn’t even falter when somewhere between the slide of their bodies, the throbbing pleasure that was winding higher from having Kristina inside her, against her, on her, she realized they weren’t fucking. She had never dared to touch her like this, with such reverence, so lazily. Kristina had always been something to be enjoyed quickly and thoroughly, taking as much as she dared before she pulled away. Today, there was no rush, no games, or roles, or yes, Mistress. They were making love.

  Parker dipped her head and kissed a trail, messy up Kristina’s throat, dark hair spilling over her shoulders, sticking to her lips. Head back, eyes closed, short breaths whistling between her lips, Kristina let her.

  “Sweetheart…”

  Parker was close, her body as tight, as desperate as she had ever been for her, even without all Kristina’s usual clever demands. Looking down at her, somewhere through the haze, through the orgasm building hot and hard to contain in her stomach, Parker told herself to save this moment. Kristina watched her, tan cheeks flushed, full lips wrapped around her name.

  Fingers curled inside her, and she twisted her own in response, feeling herself cresting but determined to take Kristina with her. Collapsing forward to kiss her, she pushed her thumb against her harder, elated and relieved when Kristina clenched and then fluttered around her fingers and they were falling apart together.

  Parker was in love with her.

  Soft fingers held her close, while defter ones curled inside her, drawing out her orgasm.

  Somewhere in all this, she had fallen for Kristina. Beyond wanting more, she just wanted her.

  Parker sucked in a breath, her head on Kristina’s shoulder as she moved her own hand slightly, tugging the last bits of pleasure from the woman beneath her, enjoying feeling her like this.

  Kristina jumped when Parker slipped out of her, and Parker heard her own soft noise when she did the same. Then they were silent, whatever had settled over them still unbroken even with their orgasms done. She traced careful patterns over Kristina’s collarbone with her nail, felt the play of fingers lazy in her hair. Part of her was holding her breath, waiting for it all to crash, for Kristina to tense, to slip out of her embrace, to run as she always had in the past when they had danced too close to this line. Now they had danced right across it.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  The words surprised her, and she shook her head, too afraid to shatter this moment.

  “Parker…” It was half a request, half more, soft and reassuring, and she sighed.

  “I used to think I had everything so figured out and I knew myself so well and knew what I wanted. Like I set my life on this path, and closed my eyes to everything but following it and clinging to it. I was a passenger, and that was fine with me. I never knew there was another option, until you.”

  Kristina surprised her with a kiss.

  “I did tell you you would have all the control, all the power.”

  This time it was Parker who leaned up to kiss her.

  “In that case, will you accompany me to bed?”

  Something fluttered in her stomach at her own boldness, her brazenness, sweat still drying on the back of her neck from their last round of lovemaking, yet she was unashamed now she wanted more.

  “Look at you.”

  Kristina leaned up and kissed her, and Parker tasted pride on her lips. Together they were better, so much more, and suddenly the future felt tangible, and close, and like something they could maybe achieve together.

  Kristina pulled back, breathless, and licked her lips.

  “Lead the way.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  KRISTINA WAS AWAKE, already above the covers. Parker felt her eyes on her as she blinked through the first light of the sun breaking the horizon.

  “Morning?”

  Kristina nodded, and when Parker reached for her, she stiffened. The warm glow Parker had fallen asleep to, the replay of last night that had woken her, shattered.

  “Everything okay?”

  Kristina collected herself enough to smile through the dim light, to squeeze the fingers that had caught her knee, but Parker knew.

  “Of course. I just couldn’t sleep.”

  Cold settled into her bones.

  “I have an early meeting, some execs from out of town, they fly out tonight so…”

  And like that, she was being dismissed again, but not just for the day. Parker felt Kristina pulling back, untangling the pieces of them that had become so irreversibly knotted together over the past six months. She knew without hearing the words. She had tried to fly, and they had fallen. All that was left to do was meet the ground.

  “Kristina.”

  She didn’t want to pretend, to wait, to feel it coming. God, she wasn’t ready to lose her.

  “I have to go get dressed.”

  When lips pressed against hers they were quick, barely there before they were gone. She tried too hard to understand why Kristina had kissed her at all, when kisses were something that had never been expected, as much as they’d been a nice surprise, before.

  Stumbling through getting dressed, choking on all the tears she was holding in her throat, Parker heard Marion’s words over and over.

  She was always meant to be temporary.

  Foolishly she had thought maybe together they could find something permanent. Stupid. Another bad decision, another huge bout of misplaced faith. She’d thought maybe for her, Kristina would change her mind, maybe she could be the exception.

  “I made you coffee.”

  They knew. It hung between them and Parker just wanted to scream it, and she wanted to bury it, to knock the coffee out of her hand and let it splash all over the smooth floor of the foyer and kiss her until they could forget. She was frozen.

  “Sweetheart?”

  Hope glittered in her chest, dangerous, but the regret, the remorse in Kristina’s eyes following the endearment, crushed it.

  “Right. I can eat at home, if you need to go?”

  Kristina nodded gratefully, and Parker followed her to the garage. Horribly, achingly aware this was the last time she would see the house, the last time she would be in her space. This was the last time she would get into this car.

  “Parker.”

  Kristina was holding the door for her as she always did, eyes hidden. Parker wondered if she would survive this car ride, and not because of Kristina’s driving.

  It passed too quickly, a blur of quiet Saturday morning streets. Somehow this hurt, burrowed inside her more than her divorce ever had. Being served the papers was embarrassing; it set her drifting, loosed her from the life she thought she had somehow earned by staying and staying and staying. Losing Amanda, losing the life she’d always planned for herself never quite derailed her, never q
uite broke her like the distance between them as Kristina’s hands sat white-knuckled on the steering wheel just feet away. Why couldn’t Parker just have been her…submissive? Why did she have to fall in love? Why couldn’t Kristina just fucking love her back?

  “Need help with your bag?”

  It was barely an overnight bag, not heavy at all, and the question seemed strange. Parker looked up at her house, trying to blink the tears out of her eyes, trying not to imagine all the nights she would spend inside replaying what she knew was going to come next, missing her.

  “Just say it, Kristina.”

  She couldn’t even look at her.

  “What—”

  “Don’t. Don’t lie to me.”

  She heard her swallow, heard the click of her seat belt releasing, but Parker didn’t move. Seconds ticked fast and slow, and all the hurt in her chest twisted, and she was angry, bleeding, and oh so tired. She turned to Kristina, because fuck it all, the end was going to come with or without her and she was done being a spectator in her own life.

  “Isn’t this the part where you end it respectfully? Time to move on, right? Find a new sub. Someone who won’t cross your lines like I did?”

  Face ashen, Kristina blinked at her, before she looked away, letting out a long breath through her nose.

  “Parker… I…” She swallowed hard, and stupid, traitorous hope burst in Parker’s chest again. This had never been her. She’d never been the woman who thought she could beat all the odds, who believed in fairy tales, who ran off and entered into some BDSM relationship with a woman half her age. She was the woman who worked hard for what she had, who stuck to the path, who kept her eyes closed and walked on. Yet she wanted it. She wanted Kristina to cry and give in and embrace what they had. She wanted to be the one she changed for; she wanted to be her exception.

  “I can’t do relationships.”

  The end.

  Part of her was calm, and part of her raged. She was the eye of the storm, one foot in the twister, one foot outside, and nothing had ever hurt like this.

  “You can, because you did. We did it all, Kristina, relationships, feelings and…love, and it was wonderful. So you can; you are capable.” Everything inside her told her to give up, to walk away.