by Megan Keith
“WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” Joel yelled. I ignored him and kept walking. “LIV!”
“Joel, don’t.” I heard Raelene speak. I turned to see that Joel was now standing with Raelene holding his bicep, stopping him from following me. “Let me,” she said when I turned back toward the street. Then she was running after me. When she caught up I stopped.
“I don’t want to talk about it. Can you please drive me home?”
“Sure.” Her face looked pale. She took a couple of backward steps. “I’ll go get my keys.”
I continued walking up the street until Raelene pulled her car alongside me. I wordlessly got in.
“Sorry it took so long, I had to get a few cars moved so I could get out. I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to find you.”
I could feel her eyes on me and hear the concern in her voice, but I couldn’t look at her. She took off from the curb. She didn’t have the radio on and the silence was unbearable. Even so, I couldn’t find the ability to speak.
When Raelene pulled up in my driveway I opened the door and mumbled a thanks.
“Here,” she said, reaching behind the back of my seat, “I have your handbag.”
I grabbed it from her and nodded. I hadn’t even thought about how I was going to enter my house without my keys. I guess I’ll get the rest of my stuff another time, my overnight bag, my dress and toiletries and… why do I even care about that stuff now?
“Thanks for thinking of that.” I wiped some fresh tears from my eyes. “And thanks for the lift home.” I turned to get out of the car but Raelene stopped me with a gentle hand on my forearm.
“Please don’t walk away from him.” Her eyes were watery when I lifted my head in her direction.
“I don’t even know who he is!” I yelled. She flinched but I wasn’t done. “He lied and you did, too! I thought we were friends Raelene! I finally let people in again and this is what happens. I always get everything wrong! I can’t trust anyone!” I bowed my head, sobs racking me again.
“No Liv, you’re not wrong. I am your friend. Joel should have told you. Please don’t give up. He’s in love with you. You’re it for him. If you just up and walk away… it’ll kill him.”
I squeezed my eyes shut, not knowing how to respond and not wanting to look at her upset. I loved that she cared for him so much and I knew she was only looking out for him.
“He wanted to tell you, he did.” She blanched when I opened my eyes and gave her a hard look. “I’m not making excuses for him… but please, don’t throw everything away because of this.”
We sat in silence for a bit. As mad as I was, the thought of giving him up, of never seeing him again, it hurt like hell. I didn’t want to throw everything away either.
“I just need some time to process. Can you tell him to give me that?”
She nodded and gave me a small smile and I exited the car.
Heartbroken. Devastated. Betrayed. Those words didn’t even come close to how I felt at the thought of never seeing Joel again. Since I’d left Raelene’s car hours before, I’d done nothing but lie on my couch as my world crumbled around me.
He lied to me. How am I supposed to know who he really is if he can’t be truthful? He promised no secrets yet kept a huge one from me. His promises were worthless. Time and time again I had given him an opening, a point where he could have come clean. Yet he didn’t. Instead he always blamed me for pushing him away, for reading too much into things, for not trusting him.
He’d won. It didn’t take me long to trust him wholeheartedly and as it turns out, I shouldn’t have.
I’d accepted that I wouldn’t get the ‘happily ever after’ and then he came along and showed me what I was missing. Joel made me feel whole and then tore my heart out. It had all been a fantasy.
He broke my trust.
My phone rang and I wiped at my eyes to read the screen, disappointed when I saw Ally’s name instead of Joel’s. Even though I’d told Raelene to tell him to give me space, it disappointed me that he hadn’t called. I didn’t want to speak to him but at the same time I needed comforting and Joel was still the one I wanted to turn to for that comfort. How fucked up is that? What a mess!
“Hello,” I croaked out with a gravelly voice.
“Libby? What’s wrong? Are you sick or something?” I couldn’t answer her. I started crying again. “Hey, what’s the matter?”
“Joel, he- oh god,” I continued to cry unable to speak clearly.
“Is he okay? Has there been an accident? Libby?”
“No.”
“Did you have a fight?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll be there soon.”
When Ally stormed into the house and found me a crumpled mess on the couch, she nudged my legs onto the floor taking a seat beside me and pulling me into her arms. Eventually I’d cried out all of my tears and between uneven breaths I managed to tell her the whole story. Well, what I knew at least.
“I don’t believe it! Assault? He just doesn’t seem the type.”
“I didn’t think so either. I guess I didn’t know him like I thought I did.”
“Do you love him Libby?” I nodded. “Did you think he was ‘the one’?”
I did, or I had, but I didn’t want to confirm that so I just stared past her.
“Fight for him,” she said resolutely and I blinked at her. “You need to find out exactly what happened. You need to talk to him about it. He’s probably ashamed of whatever it was. Joel is a good guy, Lib.”
The more I thought about it over the next few days, the more I realised that he had tried to tell me. I knew there was something he was keeping from me. Hindsight made me realise there were many times he had tried to say something and so many times I’d let it go, brushed it off as nothing – the night when I cooked spaghetti for him, tight-arse Tuesday when he acted weird, even in the field that night…
There were other clues too - his half-empty house, being an apprentice so late in life, the fact that he hadn’t had a serious girlfriend – clues that should have made me more suspicious.
There had been a gap in his life because he’d been in jail. Maybe I subconsciously knew what he was hiding was important and it might hurt me. Maybe it was somehow my fault that he didn’t get the words out. Maybe I should have pushed harder.
But he lied! As much as I loved Joel I couldn’t think of a way back from that. As much as I wanted to forgive him and find out the story about how and why he went to jail, I had a hard time looking past the fact that he lied to me. After everything I told him about Craig and Kylie and the way my sister had betrayed me. He promised no secrets.
I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone. I desperately wanted to forgive him but I just needed time. I also couldn’t help wonder if he was keeping more secrets from me.
I’d been to work, but was more like a zombie than a living, breathing person. Karen, who had come bouncing into work on Monday because she had slept with that guy from the party, was sorely disappointed when I couldn’t even get excited for her. Trevor, her first ever one night stand, and the only other person she has spent the night with besides Matt, had taken her home and given her ‘one wild night’ (her words) and all I could do was give her half smiles and nods. I felt terrible that I was being such a bad friend but I didn’t have the energy to force myself to do better.
By Friday, I was relieved that I had a whole weekend to myself, to wallow in self-pity. Though I’d almost not made it home, driving through the rain and not paying attention almost had me running a red light. When I’d made it into my house I’d sighed with relief that I’d made it home alive, and then burst into tears when the thought hit me that I didn’t have anything to live for anyway.
After calming myself down, I stood on my front doorstep and lit a cigarette. I’d lost count on how many I’d had that week. So much for giving up.
I stared off into the darkness. It should have been light still but the heavy, dark clouds had blocked the late afterno
on sun. It was drab, grey - just like my life. Like my life had been before I met Joel. Monochrome. Joel had come into my life like a burst of colour and now that he wasn’t around it had changed back to bleak.
He hadn’t called me. I’d weakened, just needing to hear his voice – I’d called him a handful of times but he’d never answered. I was reaching breaking point. I missed him so much.
The way I felt about Joel was unlike anything I had ever felt before. He made me feel alive, loved, cherished, needed, happy… I couldn’t just let that go. I couldn’t walk away and forget it. I’d known from very early on that I wouldn’t walk away from him in one piece. I was no longer whole. I needed him. I didn’t know how to get him back, but I knew I had to try.
“I didn’t know you smoked,” a familiar voice interrupted my blank staring at the rain. I was so out of it, it hadn’t even registered that Raelene’s car had pulled into the drive. I blinked at her, wondering if maybe I was hallucinating. “You must be one of those people that only smokes when they’re unhappy, yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said with a wry smile before butting the cigarette out on the ground.
“Can we talk?” she asked, stepping out of the rain and up the last step onto my tiny porch.
“Okay.” I turned and walked back inside my open doorway. It may be raining but it was still a hot summer night so I left the door open after Raelene entered.
We both sat on the couch and stared at each other for a moment. I had no idea what to say so I was relieved when she started speaking.
“When I first met Joel he’d not long been out of prison. He was withdrawn and shy, but seeing as Adam and I were joined at the hip he had no choice but to befriend me.” She gave me a half-hearted smile. “Since he’s been out, he’s not dated. He’d never had a woman sleep over at his house. He didn’t think he was worthy of happiness, of love. Even though Adam and I tried to convince him he was, he just wouldn’t attempt a relationship with anyone. Until you. You have no idea how much of a big deal it was for him to ask you out.”
The old Libby would have questioned that. I would have wondered if maybe Joel was settling. That maybe he didn’t think he deserved better than me. But the new me, his Liv, knew that wasn’t true. “I wasn’t living until I met you. I was just going through the motions…”
Raelene’s phone chimed, she read a text and grimaced. I opened my mouth to ask her about it but she continued to talk, so I quickly shut it.
“The day after your first date, he came to our house to get advice from Adam. He was worried you were out of his league, and scared that you wouldn’t want to know him if you knew about his time in jail. Adam convinced him not to tell you straight away, to give it some time. If you want to blame anyone, blame Adam. He thought he was doing the right thing. He convinced Joel to give it a go with you, mind you it took a few days for Joel to agree.”
That’s why he took so long to call after our first date.
“He thought if you gave him a chance he could tell you later. Then it got, too hard. We kept telling him he needed to come clean and he knew that he did. He said he tried to tell you.”
“I think he did.”
“He got locked up for assault Liv, but he’s not a violent man. It was a one off.”
“What happened?”
“I don’t think it’s my place to say. He should be the one to tell you.”
“I wish he would.”
“Just know that what happened is in his past, it’s not who he is now. You lit him up inside like I’d never seen before. You’re it for him. That’s why I’m worried; if he can’t have you…”
“I feel the same way about him. He’s the one for me Raelene. I love him.” I started crying and Raelene moved towards me, draping an arm around my shoulders. I savoured the contact. “I miss him. I’m going crazy here.”
“Then you need to tell him that,” she said softly.
“He won’t return my calls.”
“He’s not returned any of mine either,” she said, resigned.
Joel and I had a deep connection. We were meant to be. He wasn’t perfect, and neither was I, but we were soul mates. And you fought for your soul mates.
“I need to see him,” I said, jumping up from the couch and running to grab my keys.
“He’s not home. Adam just texted. He said he waited as long as he could out the front of Joel’s place but Chels was getting tired and restless so they headed home.”
Raelene flung her arm over the back of the couch to peer at me.
“I think I know where he is.”
I ran out of there, leaving my front door wide open and Raelene sitting on my couch. She was right. Who you were in your past does not define who you are today. Whatever happened in Joel’s past had shaped him into the man he is, it played a part sure, but it wasn’t who he was anymore. The Joel I knew now was all that mattered. That Joel was the one I loved. I just hoped that he was at his spot by the creek as it was the only place I could think of.
Joel had only driven me to that spot twice. In the daylight. I hadn’t paid close attention and now it was fairly dark. I felt like I was driving in circles, luckily it had stopped raining at least.
“Ugh!” I thumped the steering wheel in frustration when I realised I had no idea where I was. I reached the dead end of a court. I quickly turned the car around and went back the way I came.
I was almost ready to give up when I caught a flash of silver as I was passing a turn off. I slammed on my brakes and the car skidded to a stop. I quickly flew into reverse, turning the wheel so that I was headed in that direction. Parking behind his ute, I spotted him through the trees as soon as I got out of my car. His fluoro orange work shirt stood out brightly in the dim light. He was seated on a large log with his back to me. I rounded it to face him.
“What are you doing here?” he asked darkly, looking up at me in shock. I could tell he was tired by the redness in his eyes. His hair was dishevelled and it looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He had been ignoring my calls, he knew I was trying to speak to him, so he shouldn’t be surprised to see me.
“Looking for you, of course.” I sat down beside him.
“Well, you found me,” he snapped loudly.
I didn’t like his tone of voice, it sounded nastier than he had ever spoken to me before. It made me jump. Before I had a chance to say a word he spoke again.
“So just get it over and done with.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry I lied, okay? I understand why you don’t want to be with me anymore. So please, just make it quick.”
His resigned tone really annoyed me, no it angered me greatly. I stood up and paced in front of him. He watched me with a stony, emotionless face.
“What the fuck? Whatever happened to ‘never giving up on us’, huh?” I yelled at him.
“Well that was before you knew the truth. Now you know the real me… I’m not good enough for you. I’ve always known that. I guess that’s why I never told you about my history.” He shrugged, still no emotion in his voice. He was staring right past me. “I expected that you would want nothing more to do with me as soon as you found out. I guess I was just enjoying the ride while it lasted.” That last sentence was spoken bitterly with a nasty bite of humour to it.
“BULLSHIT!” I yelled, whirling to a stop in front of him. He flinched and his eyes finally made their way to mine. “I won’t give up that easily! What we have is much deeper than that!”
He looked at me with surprise but I could also see that he didn’t quite trust my words either. I knelt down in front of him, feeling my jeans instantly soak from the damp earth. He refused to look at me, instead he stared at the ground by his feet.
“Raelene came to see me.” His head lifted at that, surprise registering in his features. “She told me that Adam convinced you not to say anything in the beginning. I can understand why you don’t talk about it, why it’s not something that you lead with when you first meet someone. I get it, I do. I also kn
ow that it is in your past, it’s not who you are now. I know you, the real here and now you.” I swallowed back the lump in my throat and wiped at the tears that were forming in my eyes. “I know you,” I repeated as I saw the tears forming in his. Saying the words aloud confirmed them for me as well.
“I’m so sorry, Liv,” he whispered and swallowed loudly.
“I know.”
My hand reached up to catch the first tear that ran down his cheek. My other hand came up to cup his face, forcing him to look me in the eye. “I understand why, Joel. What I don’t understand is how you could lie to me about it. In the beginning yes, but after I bared my soul to you? After I told you my darkest secrets… my fears… you still didn’t open up to me… that I don’t understand.” My voice cracked on those last words. “You know I have issues trusting people and you promised no secrets. You lied. You broke my trust.” I started blubbering. My whole body shook as sobs wracked me. I pulled my hands away from Joel’s face to swipe at my eyes.
Joel leant forward, his arms came around my back, squeezing me tightly, like he thought I might vanish if he let go. I was back where I belonged, in his arms. I wanted to kiss him and tell him everything was alright. I wanted to wrap my arms around him.
He repeated “sorry” over and over. The heat from his breath as he buried his mouth against my neck, made me uncomfortable and I pushed him away. I couldn’t let him just hold me until I caved. I couldn’t let the proximity of his body overshadow what needed to be said between us. I couldn’t let the feeling of wanting him so badly it hurt, of needing him to touch me in some physical way, of burning with desire for him take over now. Not now.
I stood up and sat back on the log beside him, careful not to allow our bodies to touch in any way. We needed to talk, just talk. We needed this talk if there was going to be a future for us. We sat in silence for what seemed like forever. It was getting darker and cooler by the minute.
“You know, that day I first saw you in the supermarket, I tried so many times to talk to you,” Joel began. “I pushed my trolley faster just to see you again and I even purposely blocked the aisle with my shopping trolley as a way to get you to stop. Then, when you did, I couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t find the words to say to you, because I knew I wasn’t worthy.”