by Megan Keith
I wanted to argue with him, but I stayed silent, I needed to hear what he had to say.
“We kept crossing paths, over and over… and then when you came outside, and started eating those damn Tim Tams, just like I was doing, I felt an even stronger connection to you. You let out this sexy moan at your first bite, god, it made me want you so bad.
“After our first date, I knew I was in over my head. I almost turned away, let you go, I knew I didn’t deserve a chance with someone like you. I thought if you found out about my time in jail, you wouldn’t give me the time of day. I spoke to Adam about it, he convinced me to call you anyway. So I did and we just clicked. That was probably the best phone conversation I’ve ever had. That’s when I decided I didn’t care. I didn’t care that you would dump me the moment you found out what I was hiding. I was just so happy being with you. I chose to ignore the fact that the longer I left it, the more it was going to hurt you.” His eyes were wet with tears.
“That’s what I’m sorry about the most. I never, ever wanted to hurt you, Liv. That’s the last thing I wanted. I’m so sorry I lied. I’m sorry I kept it from you. I tried to tell you. I almost did, so many times… and I promise that it was the only lie I have ever, will ever, tell you. Everything else is real, you’ve gotta believe me. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. I understand, you deserve better, but I need you to believe that everything else is real.” His eyes burned into me with intensity and panic.
“I do. I believe you.” I allowed him to pull me into his arms and this time I squeezed him back just as hard.
The light was dimming around us but when I pulled from his embrace, I could still see the light and the love in his eyes. I could also see the fear, fear that he had lost me, fear that he could lose me still. I stood, mesmerised by him. It began to rain. Droplets ran down his face and dripped off the end of his nose. I couldn’t decipher which were tears and which were raindrops, but by the timbre in his voice and the shaking of his shoulders I’d guess it was about even.
“Liv, please tell me that we can work past this. Please. I feel like I can’t breathe without you.”
“Can you promise me that you won’t keep anything from me again?”
“I promise. I absolutely promise.”
He pulled me back into his chest. We held each other tight for a moment before he pushed me away, lifting my chin up with his hand so we were once again staring at each other. He opened his mouth to speak.
“I love you, Joel,” I whispered over the top of him, as a tear escaped my eye. He wiped it away with his thumb.
“I love you so much, Liv.” He sealed his words with a passionate kiss. His tongue invaded my mouth and I let it. His hands held my face to his. “I love you,” he murmured against my lips and then I kissed him back just as fiercely.
We got lost in each other and it took us both a while to realise the rain had gotten heavier, we were getting absolutely drenched. Eventually we pulled apart and, holding hands, we made a run for it. Instead of running to my car I climbed into Joel’s.
“Will you please tell me about it?” I asked him in the dark confines of his ute.
He let out a big sigh before he began.
“My step-dad liked to use me and Mum as a punching bag.”
I sucked in a breath and Joel’s eyes met mine.
“Mum loved him and kept him around anyway. She never once stood up for herself, or for me. As I got older I started fighting back and he stopped. I think he was scared of me – I was strong, even at fourteen. Life was better, but I still hated him, so when I was eighteen I moved out. Adam and his mate were looking for a border so I went. I left Mum and the arsehole behind. I thought she was safe. He hadn’t been physical with either of us at that stage for about three years. I was young and naïve. I was also wrong.
“I began to notice little things, a bruise here, a scratch there, but Mum was happy. She was adamant there was nothing going on. A few years had passed by this stage and then one night I got a call from the hospital. He almost killed her, almost beat her to death. She was in a coma.”
I reached over and grabbed Joel’s hand. He took a shaky breath, staring out the windscreen.
“The doctor said there was evidence that it had been happening for years, old injuries that she hadn’t sought medical attention for. Her chances for survival were slim.
“I lost it! I thought she was going to die and I went after him. I beat him to within an inch of his life, Liv. It was really bad.”
He turned back to me and his eyes searched mine for some sort of understanding. I gave his hand a squeeze.
“I served four years for assault. I’m ashamed that, for a short time, I was just like him. Please don’t hate me.”
“I could never hate you. Never. You are nothing like him Joel! He was beating a defenceless woman and child!” I swiped angrily at the tears that were streaming down my face before leaning across the centre console of the car to hug him. “I can’t imagine what you went through, but I understand why you did it.”
Joel’s arms encircled me and we held each other tightly. The sound of our breathing and the rain beating heavily against the roof was getting loud in my ears.
“What happened to your Mum?” I asked, pulling away.
“She survived and refused to press charges against him.” His voice took on a bitter edge. “Instead, he pressed charges against me and she testified.”
“She what?”
“She testified against me. She refused to admit what he had been doing to her for years. She went back to the prick and I went to jail for beating him. I spent four years locked up for what I did and he got away with everything he’d ever done.”
“That is so unbelievably unfair!” I screamed out in anger. “How can she even call herself a mother?”
“Yeah, well, as far as I’m concerned, she’s not my mother. Not anymore.”
“Have you spoken to her about it?”
“I haven’t spoken to her since I went to jail. She could be dead for all I care.” His voice held a sadness unlike anything I had ever heard before. He may no longer think of her as his mother but that didn’t stop the hurt, or the fact that he no longer had one.
“ARGH! I’m so pissed that you went through all of that!” I thumped the roof of the car. “Joel it’s wrong, so fucking wrong. How can she live with herself?”
“Look at you getting all feisty.” Joel chuckled.
I looked at him in surprise. He was smiling. God it was good to see a smile on his face again. I stared at him for a moment, probably with a bewildered expression on my face. After everything he’d been through, he was smiling. He was an amazing man. My amazing man. I leaned forward to steal a kiss.
“What was that for?”
“Have I ever told you how much I love your smile? I really missed it this past week. Thank you for telling me everything.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. Can we come back from this, Liv? Will you be able to trust me again?”
“For some reason I already do. I trust that was the only thing you’ve kept from me.”
“It was. It is.”
“Promise you’ll never lie to me Joel. No secrets?”
“I promise. God Liv, I swear to you… I wanted to tell you, I tried-” I hushed him with a finger to his lips.
“I know you did.” I removed my finger and replaced it with my lips for a kiss. “I’m gonna go back to my car. We need to get home and out of these wet clothes.”
Joel gave me a sad look with hopeful puppy dog eyes.
“Follow me?”
“You mean…?”
“I want you with me Joel. These past few days, without you…”
“Have been hell,” he finished off my sentence.
“Exactly.”
We stared at each other for a moment, both of us through watery eyes.
“I love you,” we said at the same time.
“I don’t ever want to let you go,” Joel said, cupping the back
of my neck. He pulled himself to me, until our foreheads were touching.
“So don’t.”
Three months of bliss. Joel and I were happy and in love. We were practically living together, flitting back and forth between two houses. My life had become everything I thought it would never be. I had the perfect man. He was kind, caring and passionate. And damn sexy as hell.
My sister was happy in her new place, I was happy to actually spend some time with her, without any drama. Adam, Raelene and Chelsea were regular fixtures in our lives. They were my new family. My old family, my mum and dad, got along extremely well with Joel, too. Everything was perfect.
Until the phone call I overheard Joel taking.
I was coming down the hallway, headed for the bathroom at Joel’s house, he was seated in the lounge. I’d heard the phone ring from the bedroom. I didn’t think anything of it. I had no intention of eavesdropping, until I realised that his voice was hushed and it got me curious.
“I know and I will tell her as soon as I can… hopefully… probably not for a couple of days… Aha… yes… okay… bye, Kate.”
I quickly continued onto the bathroom, where I was headed, before Joel saw me.
“Who was on the phone earlier?” I asked him later that night, when we were getting into bed.
“Hmm? Oh, just Adam.”
“Yeah? And want did he want?”
“Nothing. Just a chat.” That was his response right before he turned off the bedside light and curled up behind me in bed. His hands began to wander.
“I’m really tired. I just want to go to sleep,” I said, for the first time ever. Up until that point I had been in a constant state of arousal around him.
“Okay.” He kissed me on the back of my head and moved away. He didn’t even balk at the fact I had turned him down for sex.
That was two days ago.
Since he’d told me everything about his past that rainy night by the creek months before, I’d never once doubted him. Never once felt that I couldn’t trust him. Until that phone call.
I tried to keep it out of my mind, we’d even had sex since, but there was a niggly feeling that something was going on. And then again, about an hour ago, he got another mysterious phone call. I heard him whispering on the phone in the bedroom. When I asked him who it was he said it was Adam, just like last time. I knew it wasn’t Adam. If it was Adam he wouldn’t have been whispering and hiding in the bedroom.
It was Saturday afternoon. We were on our way to another ‘no reason’ party at Raelene and Adam’s, when I realised he had taken a wrong turn.
“Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise.”
He smiled, looking at me briefly before returning his eyes to the road. The smile didn’t seem genuine. I could see he was clenching his jaw. He was tense. He was nervous. He was keeping something from me and it wasn’t just some little romantic surprise. It was much more than that. I was positive it had something to do with the mysterious phone calls.
“Who was on the phone?” I asked again, finally becoming one of those nagging, interfering girlfriends that I never wanted to become.
“I told you, it was Adam.” It didn’t believe it for a second.
“And Wednesday night?”
“Wednesday night?”
Now he was just making me angry. He knew what I meant and was being purposefully evasive, I could tell when his eyes looked my way.
“No one.”
“Joel!”
He stayed silent and I felt hurt that he wouldn’t answer me.
“Please tell me.” I begged. “You said no secrets… you promised.” I could feel the tears coming, I didn’t want to cry, but I was convinced that he was going to drop a bomb on me.
“Can you please just give me a little more time?” he asked.
“More time? What does that even mean?”
“It means exactly what I said Liv, I just need a little more time.” He reached over and gave my hand a squeeze.
I guess he meant it to be reassuring, but I found it patronizing and I jerked my hand away.
“Please don’t be mad.”
His tone only served to make me angrier at him. Why won’t he just tell me what’s going on? I turned away from him and crossed my arms haughtily. I stared out the passenger window not really seeing anything that we were passing. Joel let out a loud sigh. Good, he was getting aggravated, too!
“Okay… I didn’t want to tell you like this, but… The phone call was from a woman I’ve been seeing-”
“You’re cheating on me?” I cut him off.
Joel abruptly swerved the car to the side of the road. He slammed his foot on the brakes, hard. The sudden force jolted me in my seat, setting my heart racing. I frantically looked around to see what he had swerved to avoid. I couldn’t see anything. We were in a quiet street - actually I had no idea where we were. He took off his seatbelt and reached for me, grabbing both of my shoulders.
“NO! Look at me, Liv!” I did. I could see anger in his features but I could also see fear in his eyes. “No. Liv, no!”
“I’ve been blindsided again,” I murmured before Joel’s words even registered.
“NO! I would never cheat on you. Never. You are everything to me!” He shook me slightly. “Why would you even think that? Liv listen to me. Sue is a real estate agent. That’s who called before, she’s been showing me through some properties.”
“A real estate agent?”
“Yes.”
Why would he be seeing a real estate agent and not tell me? I could finally get some air into my lungs, I took a deep breath before I felt myself crumbling again.
“Wait. Did you say Sue? Then who the fuck is Kate?” My anger rose again.
“Kate is a mortgage broker.”
“Oh.”
“Yes, oh.” Joel crushed me to him. He hugged me so tight, it hurt.
“Why couldn’t you have just told me that?” I murmured into his chest with a shaky breath. He’s looking at houses? Why would he keep that from me? It doesn’t make any sense.
“I had this stupid idea, I thought it would be romantic… I’m sorry, I know what you’ve been through, I should have thought about that before… I should never have allowed even the smallest doubt to creep into your mind. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. I should never have doubted you.” I pulled out of his embrace to wipe away my tears.
“I love you, Liv.” Joel gripped the sides of my face. “I love you so much.” Then he kissed me hard. “I’m sorry.”
I kissed him back harder, my hands coming up to clutch his face. Our lips moved against each other, frantically, desperately.
Eventually he pulled back, put his belt back on and started the car. He looked at me and smiled, giving my hand a reassuring squeeze, this time I squeezed back.
“I do trust you Joel. I’m sorry.”
“Good.”
He let go of my hand to steer the car back onto the road.
“So, where are we going?” I asked, still not having any idea where we were.
“I thought you just said you trusted me,” he said with a slight chuckle but then answered anyway. “We’re meeting Sue at a house I’m interested in… and here we are.”
He pulled into a long, tree-lined, gravel driveway. The trees gave way to a large circular garden in front of a weatherboard house. There was a lady standing beside a flash looking car. She was dressed in a business suit and was wearing a wide smile. Joel parked the car and we got out. As we approached she called out.
“I was beginning to think you were standing me up.”
“Sorry-”
“It was my fault, sorry,” I interrupted Joel and stepped forward.
“Not a problem dear. You must be Liv. I’m Sue. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
She extended her hand to give mine a friendly shake. She was probably in her mid-fifties, she had short grey hair and bright red lipstick that matched her perfectly manicured red nails. I almost
laughed at the sight of her next to Joel, no I’d say she wasn’t his type at all.
“Nice to meet you, Sue.”
“The owners aren’t home so feel free to take your time browsing. The house is already open, if you have any questions, please come find me.”
“Thank you,” Joel and I spoke at the same time. He took my hand, giving it a squeeze before pulling me up the front steps onto a decked verandah.
We went through a squeaky fly wire door into a warm and inviting entrance way. The first thing I noticed were the beautifully polished floor boards. Off to the right was a spacious lounge room, the décor was neutral with beige walls and carpet. Through the lounge was the master bedroom. It was large and bright, the window facing the front garden where we came in.
“This is a sliding door,” Joel said as he walked to what I had mistaken as being a simple window. “It opens onto a separate verandah.” I looked out to see what he meant. The owners had placed a small round table and two chairs on the private decking.
“Your own private balcony, how swish.” I smiled at him.
“Wait ‘til you see the ensuite.”
Joel hurriedly pulled me past a huge walk in wardrobe to another door that opened up into a spacious ensuite bathroom. It had a double shower, double vanity and a full sized spa bath. The walls were the same beige but the floor tiles were a pale lilac, the wall tiles white and the cupboards a soft grey. It was lovely and romantic.
“Wow. Talk about decadent.”
“Nice, huh?” Joel caught my reflection in the huge mirror. His smile was wide. “C’mon, there’s more to see.”
He pulled me back out the bedroom, through the lounge and back to the start. From the entrance we then headed straight ahead into a wide open room. The walls there were also beige, with the same floorboards as the entrance. The kitchen was neatly tucked around to the right, a dining room table to the side of it and off to the left was another lounge, or a family room, I suppose. I let go of Joel’s hand and wandered through the kitchen. There was a wide island bench with a sink in the middle, a dishwasher and microwave underneath. The cupboards were an understated beige with the wall tiles over the state of the art oven and hotplates the feature. There were drawers everywhere and a huge walk in pantry at the end. It really was a dream kitchen.