Face the Music

by Melody Carlson

  “Any lasting relationship, especially marriage, is built on a good solid friendship,” she told me a couple of days ago. “If you’re not best friends with a guy, and if you don’t really know him and LIKE him—I mean like just hanging with him, talking with him, listening to him, having similar interests and goals as him—well, you shouldn’t even think about marriage.” Then she laughed. “Not that you should be thinking about marriage anyway.”

  To further drive home her point, she told me about Anna, an African-American girl I remember vaguely, but I knew she’d been good friends with Caitlin and Beanie and Jenny during their senior year.

  “Anna fell in love during her senior year in high school. I mean, we’re talking IN LOVE. She was absolutely nuts over this guy named Joel. And she and Joel continued dating into college. But it wasn’t long before Anna was obsessed with the idea of them getting married. She says now that it may have been due to the fact she never had a dad, and this could be true. Anyway, even though Joel loved her, he still really wanted them to finish college first. They were both really smart with bright futures ahead. But Anna kept pressuring him, even to the point of introducing sex into their relationship.”

  Caitlin paused. “The only reason I’m telling you this is because I think Anna would agree that there’s a powerful lesson here. Anyway, Joel finally gave in to getting married. Anna said it was mostly because he felt guilty that, as Christians, they were having sex outside of marriage. So they got married last year, and Anna had to quit school to help support them. She’s working at a Wal-Mart right now. And the last time I talked to her, she was so bummed. She said that she hardly ever sees Joel, and when they’re together they fight most of the time. She’s seriously worried their marriage might not survive.”

  “That’s sad.”

  Caitlin nodded. “That’s what I thought too. I encouraged Anna to get her life back on track—I mean with God—and I suggested they get some kind of counseling, but Anna said they don’t have time and can’t afford it. Anyway, I’m really praying for them. You can too, if you think about it.”

  “Yeah. I will. Maybe I can remember to pray for Anna and Joel the next time I get caught up in thinking about how wonderful it would be to marry Jeremy.”

  “That’s a good idea. Because I would strongly warn you about controlling your thoughts when it comes to Jeremy, Chloe. I think that’s how Anna got so obsessed about Joel. It’s like she thought about him night and day. She didn’t put her energy into school and friends and, well, look where it got her.”

  I hugged Caitlin then. “I am so glad you’re our chaperone, Caitlin. I’m so thankful that God sent you to tour with us right when He knew I would need you the most.”

  “God’s pretty amazing.”

  So today it was lunch with Jeremy. Okay, I must confess I dressed with more than my usual care, going through about eight outfits before I settled for a denim skirt and a peasant top (not my normal hanging-out uniform of cargo pants and T-shirt). I tried to do this so that no one else noticed, but just as I was going out of the hotel room, Allie glanced up from the book she was reading.

  “Looking good, Chloe.” Then she winked at me. “Now, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  I frowned at her. “Like what’s that supposed to mean?”

  She laughed. “I don’t know. I just thought it sounded good. But really, I’ll be praying for you.”

  “Thanks.” And I meant it.

  Jeremy was waiting for me in the lobby. “We can eat in the hotel restaurant, if you’d prefer, or there’s a little sushi bar down the street. Do you even like sushi?”

  “Actually I do. It took a couple times before I developed the taste for it, but now I like it.”

  He smiled. “Somehow I thought you would.”

  As we walked out of the hotel, I confessed to him how nervous I was.

  “I know it’s stupid,” I told him. “But this all just feels so, well, surreal to me.”

  He nodded. “Yeah. Me too.”

  But after we were seated and drinking some green tea, I began to relax. I told myself this was no different than all the other times I’d hung with Jeremy. Okay, it was a little different.

  “Sorry we haven’t been able to talk sooner.” He pointed to the wristband I was still wearing. “But when I saw you wearing that last Saturday, well, I figured we were basically okay. Basically.”

  I ran my finger over the letters on the band. “I’ve been wearing it ever since you gave it to me.” I looked up at him. “Do you want it back now?”

  “No. I want you to keep it.”

  “Thanks.” I allowed myself one brief look into his eyes, then almost regretted it. A girl could get lost in those dark pools.

  “I considered e-mailing you during the week,” he continued. “But I thought I’d rather talk to you in person, and I knew we’d be meeting up here in Cincinnati for the concert tonight.”

  “No problem. It was kind of nice having a week to process things. And Caitlin has been like my personal counselor. She’s so wise.”

  “Yeah, she’s a cool girl. She seems pretty levelheaded.”

  I glanced at him nervously, worried that perhaps he found Caitlin more attractive than me. Okay, so I’m pretty insecure.

  “In fact, Caitlin reminds me a lot of my old girlfriend.”

  I nodded and took a sip of tea. Now where was this going, and why was I suddenly feeling so jealous and territorial?

  “Do you mind if I tell you a little bit about Tracy, my old girlfriend?”

  “Not at all. I’m actually pretty curious.” Now this was mostly true, yet at the same time I felt like I was about twelve years old and shrinking steadily.

  “Good. I feel like I need to explain this to you, to sort of clean the slate. Or maybe I just want to for my own sake. Anyway, Tracy and I had gone together since high school. I was a serious Christian and not interested in dating anyone who wasn’t. Tracy fit the bill. She’d been raised by fairly conservative Christian parents, not too different from my own. She was committed to God and basically just a really nice girl. Not unlike Caitlin.”

  “A rock.”

  He smiled. “Yeah, you got it. Tracy is a rock. And that’s not a bad thing either. I really admire her. But when I met you …” He shook his head as if he still wasn’t too sure about this whole thing, but then he continued. “All I could think was, wow. I was so impressed by your energy and spunk. I was amazed by your creativity and felt challenged by your passion for God and life. I loved how you question so many things, how unconventional you are, your innate understanding of music …oh, so many things, Chloe. Am I gushing here or what?”

  I laughed. “Hey, it’s okay with me. I could listen to this for decades.”

  “Like I told you, the age difference really blew my mind. I knew it would never work—I mean, I didn’t even intend for it to work. I know how people, like Omega or reviewers or even some fans, would have a fit.” He looked down at his little cup of tea and shook his head. “Did you know that Eric Green had actually given me this speech before we met you girls? He told me to keep an eye on the younger guys in my band, in case they decided to put the move on any of you girls.”

  I laughed again.

  He smiled. “Little did Eric know that I would pose the greatest threat. Man, I didn’t even know it myself. So after I met you, I realized right away that I had to watch my step. So I decided to play big brother with you, to take you under my wing and enjoy your company and friendship, but to keep it all under great control.”

  I nodded. “That’s exactly what I kept telling myself too. I mean, that I was just your little sister. Problem was, my heart wouldn’t listen.”

  “Yeah. I know what you mean, Finally, I realized that even if I couldn’t do anything about pursuing you—and I knew that I couldn’t—I should at least be honest with myself and Tracy and break things off. I knew that I couldn’t possibly love her if I was feeling that attracted to someone else.”

  “How did
that go with Tracy?”

  He ran his hand over his already smooth hair. “I’d like to be able to say it went really well, that she understood perfectly and was ready to move on with her life.”

  “But she wasn’t.”

  “No way. She was actually pretty ticked at me. But consequently she said some things that reassured me that I wasn’t making a mistake in breaking up. I mean, she’s a cool girl and a strong Christian, but she’s not right for me. And I’m not right for her. I think she’ll realize that in time.”

  “I hope so.”

  “And now we’re here.” He sighed. “And I’m sorry because I really hadn’t meant to rush us into anything. I honestly thought we could continue being friends; I’d wait until you got a little older, like at least eighteen.” He peered at me. “When do you turn eighteen anyway?”

  I laughed. “Not until March 3.”

  “That’s not too bad. Besides that, we both have our music. That’s enough to keep us occupied and out of trouble, right?”

  “And we can still continue being friends?”

  “I hope so. I just know that I’m going to have to really watch myself.”

  “Me too.”

  His smile seemed laced with sadness now, or maybe it was regret. “I just don’t get why God did it this way though. Bringing us together when we both know there’s nothing we can do about it. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

  “Sometimes I almost think I get it. Then other times I’m not so sure …” I didn’t mention how I just about drowned in his eyes only moments ago and would’ve given anything to have my birth certificate read differently. Instead I continued, “But this is what I think it’s about. At least for me. I think God wants me to grow in Him. And He’s not going to insulate my life from troubles, because that’s usually what makes me grow the best, Not that I see you as trouble, Jeremy.” I shook my head. “But with you in my life, I realize I’ll have to practice a whole lot of self-control, I’ll have to become more mature and focus myself to keep my mind on God, I’ll have to be continually surrendering my will to His. It’s almost overwhelming.”

  “I’ve had some of those same thoughts. And I’ve got to admit that this whole thing has been kind of humbling. It’s a good reminder that I really don’t have things under control and that I need to fall hard on God.”

  “I know what you mean. It’s good for us, but it’s not very easy.”

  “I’ve heard that the best things in life never come easily.”

  “Or quickly.”

  He grinned. “You got that right.”

  It was all I could do at that very moment not to leap from the stool and throw my arms around him, kiss him, and tell him I loved him. But thank God, I didn’t. I am exercising a little self-control—or a lot, depending on where you’re standing.

  “So, do you think we’re up for this kind of challenge?” he asked.

  “I am if you are.” Then I thought of something. “Do you think we should make some sort of agreement?” Now I wondered if this was going to sound silly or juvenile, but I decided to just plunge in. “I mean, something that, will help us to do this thing God’s way without compromising or messing things up. Like in our band, we all signed this pact saying we would not let guys interfere with our music ministry. It’s a way to call each other to accountability, and so far it’s working.”

  “That’s a very cool idea.”

  “A very necessary idea. A year ago, I would’ve thought an agreement like that had more to do with Laura and Allie since they were both struggling through relationships. But now I think it was mostly for my sake. Like you said a minute ago, it’s all pretty humbling.”

  “But that pact is a great idea. Maybe I should work up something like that for the guys.”

  I felt one of my brows lift slightly. “The guys?”

  “Or maybe just for me.”

  I laughed.

  “But you’re onto something, Chloe. I think we should have some sort of agreement between the two of us.”

  So we sat there discussing it for a bit until we had the language down. Then Jeremy wrote it out in his neat printing on a paper napkin, then made another copy for me. This is what it says:

  We, Jeremy Baxter and Chloe Miller, do hereby agree to continue our friendship only as long as God remains in the center of our relationship and is glorified by our lives. If our relationship distracts us from God, we both hereby agree to terminate it at once.

  Then we both signed and dated the two copies and shook hands. It was hard letting go of his hand, but somehow I managed.

  “Agreed?” His eyes locked with mine.

  “Agreed.” God help me, I was thinking.

  I am now taping this napkin document into my diary. I consider it to be legal and binding, and I intend to honor it with every ounce of my strength. Thankfully, I fully believe that God will help me when my strength is not enough. Because the truth is, I don’t think I could possibly carry off something like this on my own. I know my weakness. I am well aware of my human frailty and limitations. I’m not a fool. So, I go into this with God at my side, holding His hand, and trusting that He will see me through—for His glory!

  PROMISE

  a vow to God

  is a vow to keep

  a promise made

  will not come cheap

  shake hands with God

  and give your word

  that you will do

  what He has heard

  to God alone

  you must be true

  don’t kid yourself

  He sees through you

  so hold on tight

  focus your eyes

  stick to your vow

  and win the prize!

  cm

  Twenty-One

  Saturday, August 27

  The past week has been a mixed blessing, We’ve been so busy traveling and performing that I’ve hardly spoken more than a couple of words to Jeremy. But at the same time I am completely exhausted. Laura and Allie are worn out too. I think even our Energizer Bunny (Caitlin) is feeling a little fatigued. And Beanie fell asleep in the limo tonight as we were chauffeured the short distance from the concert to the hotel.

  Today was a loooong day of performing with three other bands in Disneyland. We each took the stage twice, but in between playing we were expected to hang out and sign CDs and schmooze with fans. It was about a hundred degrees with high humidity, and I felt like a melted Popsicle by noon. We didn’t leave the park until closing. Exhausting doesn’t even begin to describe it.

  “Are we sure we really want to go down to Mexico tomorrow?” Allie said as we sat like zombies in the back of the limo.

  Laura groaned. “Is that tomorrow? I thought we had tomorrow off.”

  “According to the schedule, we did,” said Allie.

  “But you guys said it was okay,” Caitlin said in an apologetic voice. “I never would’ve promised we’d come otherwise.”

  “It’s okay,” I reassured her. “It’s for a good cause.”

  “Do you know how cool this is going to be for the orphanage kids?” she said.

  “Yeah,” said Allie. “What a thrill to see three half-dead girls crawling up on the stage.”

  “I’ll bet it’s hot down there,” said Laura.

  “At least we’re almost done with the summer tour,” I said, hoping to sound encouraging.

  “I feel like I’m done right now,” Allie said as she examined the fresh sunburn on her shoulders. “Well done, that is.”

  STRENGTHEN US

  Lord, give us strength

  and give us rest we need Your help

  to do our best

  please, shine through us

  when we feel dull

  when we feel empty

  please, fill us full

  when we’re weak

  You make us strong

  we need Your strength

  to get along

  we need Your power

  poured from above


  rain down a shower

  of grace and love

  amen

  Monday, August 29

  I really didn’t think I’d be saying this, but our concert last night at the orphanage was totally amazing. Not because we were so awesome. Frankly, I think we were only mediocre, if that. Although we were really giving it our best effort under our totally exhausted and overheated circumstances (it was 112 down there!). But the awesome part of the whole evening was the excitement and enthusiasm of everyone at the concert. There were people of all ages, babies and grown-ups and teens and grandmas, and even though I’m sure most of them didn’t understand most of what we were singing, their response was so genuine and appreciative. I think it actually refreshed us by the time it was over.

  Naturally, we didn’t sell any CDs—oh, maybe a couple. But we decided to donate some to the teen center and some to the children’s group homes when we took a tour of the complex this morning. We’d arrived just in time for the concert last night and hadn’t had time to look around. But what we saw today was pretty impressive. There are a lot of really good people here who’ve worked hard to make this place what it is today. Even though Caitlin had warned us, I felt stunned at the poverty we saw. I mean, I thought the homeless people in the U.S. were bad off, but they’ve got it easy compared to the people down here. However, we did manage to raise a little money for their cause with our concert last night, although the tickets were pretty cheap and a lot of people were admitted for free.

  But it was kind of fun doing a concert like this. It sort of reminded me of the old days. I mean, there was no fancy lighting or sound systems. No security guards or anything. For a minute I thought we were those three young girls just trying to make our way into the music world again, and it was kind of cool. Well, actually it was hotter than—well, you get the picture. I’ve never sweated so much in my life.